To leave my boyfriend over his golfing?

[Thepanicyears]

Am I being unreasonable to complain about how much time my boyfriend spends playing sport?

we are both 27, when we met he played rugby only. Training 1-2 times a week on an evening and games on a Saturday. This wasn’t too much of a problem and it’s seasonal so not as time consuming over summer. Since then he started cricket which has filled in the summer months and he now taken up golf. The golf is my main bugbear as it’s so time consuming. For example last week he playing Friday evening then Saturday and Sunday morning. In my opinion it’s a piss take and it’s causing a massive impact on our relationship. He does less and less around the house and I work 12hour shifts so on my days at work nothing seems to get done. We have no children and our only ties are the house we share. Am I reasonable to leave him over this? Is this likely to get better? If we have children will all the work fall to me? I think I know the answer but hoping for some wiser input if anyone has any…

My Dh plays golf most weekends, usually on a Saturday or Sunday morning, it takes about 4 hours, they start early and he usually drops me off at the gym and then I either head home or have a wonder in town for a bit and he picks me up on his way home.

I think its fine, although if he played Fridays nights, Saturdays and Sundays that would be a bit much. He used to play for a football team and that would take up more time with training and games on a Saturday which often involved travel to play other teams. I'm personally pleased my DH is physically active and I think doing a sport where he gets to socialise with others is good for his mental and physical health.

I do get that there is a balance to be struck though as he should be making time for you and to do his fair share of the household duties. I would speak to him and let him know how you are feeling and that you need there to be more balance. His response will tell you what you need to know.

You know the answer. Yes it will only get worse. Do not have children with this selfish man. He prefers sport to spending time with you. Sorry but act now before you are tied to him even more....

You are not compatible.

You are not BU to want someone who is not focused on hobbies, but you re BU to want to change him. Why should he?

Be with someone that works for you. Don't expect someone to get a personality transplant or change completely. It's not fair, and why were you attracted to him in the first place?

Would you like to be expected to change completely? Of course not.

DH and I met doing sport, 7 or 8 sessions a week for him, slightly less for me. So I wouldn't criticise someone for being sporty, but they need to be with someone who has a similarly consuming hobby, or who likes their own company. I will say DH has never gone out with the squad and got sick-drunk though, and he was 100% behind us both carrying on with sport after we had our DC, so I'm not left at home while he's out doing his hobby; we share the weekend childcare so we both get out. It sounds like you just want different things out of life. That doesn't make either of you bad people, but perhaps not the right people for eachother.

Just out of interest, how does someone who focuses most of his/her free time on hobbies expect to be able to maintain a relationship. Would they need someone equally involved with their own hobby in which case you'd never see each other, ships in the night, lodgers who share a house?

Or should they accept that relationships aren't a good idea, that it's not reasonable to expect the other person to fit round them and live alone?

It always baffled me that my ex-husband thought it was okay to be so absent. He told me when he was drunk that he was deliriously happy and contented with his life ie no parenting, no grudge work 😏

DP plays golf. He’s very good, he plays tournaments etc. personally I encourage it as it’s brilliant for his mental health. However there are compromises such as starting and finishing early, especially in the summer, and only playing 9 holes.

It's just about being compatible.

I would find it suffocating and unbearable to be with someone who always come home every evening and weekends, has no interest, and who couldn't understand why I need to get out of the house . I can't for the life of me understand why posters need 2 adults to do bedtime for 2 or 3 kids.

I have no interest in coming home to watch tv after work. There are threads from posters raging because their partner was on their phone or not as interested as watching a movie with them. No one is right or wrong, just need to have the same mindset

We see each other plenty! We just find it more interesting to see each other around competitions or in various locations.

I need to eat, I need to sleep, I need to move. It's just basic needs. I can't be with someone who doesn't feel the same way. If he wants to spend a weekend golfing, happy for me as long as I am not being dragged there 😂

Hmmm I met my DH when I was forty. He was divorced with three kids. We now have young DC.

We were out one day when he bumped into an old golfing buddy. When the guy suggested he come back down to the course, my DH said something non committal. I queried it afterwards and he shook his head firmly "I'm not going to make that mistake again". Apparently, coupled with the fact he worked very long hours in the city it put enormous strain on his marriage that he was MIA every Saturday. On Sunday they always went to her family for a weekly Sunday lunch followed by hours of drinking with her relatives.

He said it was only when he reflected on how they were living their lives in a sort of parallel. They had plenty of money so had live-in nanny, cook, cleaner, gardener but they got more and more distant from each other.

I don't think your guy is a loser but I don't think you are going to have an easy time with him. You're very young and there are no major ties. I think you should reflect hard on how you want your life to be.

He's 27. Puking after a night out is hardly the end of life as we know it FFS

Not pulling his weight at home makes him lazy, unreasinabke, immature... but in my book a loser is far worse than. This. Someone frequently off their face on drugs, not working, not getting out of bed m..

if you consider this bloke a loser, what do you call those blokes??

Exactly!!

at least your DH learnt from it, many don't!!

I think you know the answer.
You are not a priority.

If he's not willing to compromise now, leave. Sounds like you'll always come second when it comes to his hobbies. Best to get out now while you're young and no kids. Once kids are here you'd be doing it all on your own!

To all the women who are bringing up their sons to be inadequate males like the one in the OP: yes, he's a loser.

some of us have time-consuming hobbies, do you mind?
Or do you have just a problem with men?

Not staying home pottering around doing nothing is the opposite of being inadequate, but you do you.

Just mothers? or fathers to? You know the first rule of misogyny- whenever a man does something wrong it's a woman's fault.

I think if he has no time for you, for whatever reason, then it's best to call it a day. This sort of issue rarely improves when marriage and children are involved.