To leave my boyfriend over his golfing?

[Thepanicyears]

Am I being unreasonable to complain about how much time my boyfriend spends playing sport?

we are both 27, when we met he played rugby only. Training 1-2 times a week on an evening and games on a Saturday. This wasn’t too much of a problem and it’s seasonal so not as time consuming over summer. Since then he started cricket which has filled in the summer months and he now taken up golf. The golf is my main bugbear as it’s so time consuming. For example last week he playing Friday evening then Saturday and Sunday morning. In my opinion it’s a piss take and it’s causing a massive impact on our relationship. He does less and less around the house and I work 12hour shifts so on my days at work nothing seems to get done. We have no children and our only ties are the house we share. Am I reasonable to leave him over this? Is this likely to get better? If we have children will all the work fall to me? I think I know the answer but hoping for some wiser input if anyone has any…

There's a lot worse things he could do than play golf. Really paranoid to link it to some cover up for any straying with other woman.

For the meantime why don't you find yourself a hobby for your spare time?

Obviously if you are planning to have a family together in the future you will need some cast iron reassurances between eachother that caring for the children will take precedence over your hobbies. Have that conversation now, but it's a bit controlling to tell him what hobbies he is and isn't allowed to do in his free time.

The partner presumably has agency over whether they're happy to be in such a relationship.

It's OK to play however much golf you want. I'm a firm believer that you should spend as much time doing things that bring you joy in the one life you have. Obviously he should either do that while single or find someone who wants that kind of relationship, maybe someone who has her own time-consuming hobbies that she devotes her weekends to.

@Thepanicyears you are a switched on woman. Some women would have children with this man and then despair about it being worse, because they thought he would magically change when they had kids.

He’s showing you who he is. He thinks the housework is your job, not his. He thinks he deserves to spend his free time enjoying himself with his mates, and you should pick up the slack. When do you even spend time together? Is it just sex and meal times together these days?

He’s entitled to play golf and rugby, I say this as I’m a cyclist and runner. My DP is a gym goer and runner. But we equally split chores, and make sure neither of us is lumbered with more than our fair share of housework. We also make an effort to spend quality time together at weekends: if that means running at 6am so we can spend the rest of the day together or with family then that’s what happens.

Don’t fall foul of the sunk cost fallacy. If you want a present, contributing partner then you need to go out and find one.

Don’t have children with this man. It’s often hard enough for women to achieve equality in terms of the mother becoming the default parent, taking on the mental load and often doing the majority of housework, and that’s without the addition of hobbies. If you’ve spoken to your partner and he’s still not pulling his weight now then that tells you clearly where his priorities lie and where they would likely lie in the event of you having children.

If he's not responding to a normal adult discussion about this, it's time to give him an ultimatum, and make it very clear that you mean it. If he still doesn't sort this out, you know nothing will ever get better.

Cyclists tend not to be big drinkers in my experience and he sounds like he also wants sports team drinking buddies. He might buy a football season ticket though!

My ex rowed. Saturday, Sunday any Bank hols. The from the clock change in spring it was Tuesday and Thursday nights.
Then there were the club meetings, maintenance evenings and so on.
I am not even sure that he noticed when I went. I know it’s not golf but it took just as long.

I upped my standards and decided that I was not coming second place to a fibreglass boat that goes backwards. I can row, and did often. I get the allure, but he was consumed by it.

Your P probably still thinks that he’s single and can do what he pleases. Conversations need to be had. If he isn’t listening, cut your losses as you are worth more.

Well, obviously, hence why she's here, but that doesn't mean his behaviour is fine. It is not OK to leave all housework to your partner because you selfishly want to have more free time (leaving her with less).

My MIL was a golf widow. When we got engaged my now DW made it conditional on me never taking up golf.

Leave him. It will not get better.

This @Thepanicyears if he isn’t pulling his weight at home and you feel like an afterthought then probably time to call it quits

Nope, didn't miss that. As per my other post I said she'd be better off leaving him now.

hes not ideal partner material.

that doesn't make him a loser in my book. If he's a loser in yours where do you put the people who spend their lives out if it on drugs or whatever?

You aren't happy now.
He's clear he won't change.

So you're either leaving your boyfriend or waiting until it escalates into him being husband and father of your kids and then leaving or dragging it our for years.

20 something me would have hung on for change.

30 something me would rip the plaster off.

This man is not ready to settle down to family life. He may never be, not unless he meets someone who is happy to be little wifey who will be happy to do everything for him without him having to disrupt his life at all. Don't be that woman. End it now and definitely do not have children with him.

If you think you want a family he would be a deeply, deeply irritating father…..

He’s puking after drinking too much. He’s hardly a champion is he? Not doing pulling your weight domestically does make him a loser, sorry.

It's sad but he is putting the golf ahead of his relationship with you. I think you have just grown apart and now want different things out of life.

You have told him how you feel and nothing has changed, so if you don't want to live the rest of your life like this, then it is time for that serious conversation to end the relationship.

More & more females take part every year in v.time consuming sport e.g. golf, hiking, cycling, endurance events - its healthy, gets them out of the house (nb much less housework) and often rewarding with friendships & social events.

How fucking patronising.

How do you feel about him, regardless of the time he spends doing these things? Would you want to stay together if he was more available?

Have you told him you'll end the relationship if he doesn't make changes?

Also losers. I would expect a man to put as much value into taking care of his partner as he does on taking care of himself. The bar is so low for men that any man who isn’t an active drug user/alcoholic/cheater seems to get so much slack. It’s ridiculous.

@Thepanicyears I applaud you for being brave enough to look at this critically.

Too many women stumble along thinking that it will change after marriage/family. It doesn't.

You are not his priority and never will be.

Start over while you still have time on your side before you get to the point of no return.

He's not wrong to want to live like this but you're not wrong to say it's incompatible with the life you want for both yourself and any future children.

My DH plays golf
Before kids he played 1 day at the weekend
I did my hobbies,went shopping, had lunch with the girls

One day per week, if you’re happy with it, is fair enough but having lunch with the girls means having mates that are either single or fellow golf widows!

He’s actively choosing to not spend much time with you. You’ve tried speaking to him, he doesn’t care. Don’t become one of those posters in a similar situation with a young family, stuck with a partner who isn’t interested.
he also sounds like he has a drink problem.
you’re worth more than this , so leave him.

So what precisely are you getting out of this ‘relationship’?

easy to answer what golf boy is getting out of it, though: contribution to rent / mortgage/ living expenses, free housekeeper…oh and presumably other ‘benefits’. ( when he’s not sleeping off his drunk vomit fit) .

He's not making time for you because he doesn't want to.

It really is that simple

And also, never, ever (ever) talk someone into being more committed