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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave my boyfriend over his golfing?

141 replies

Thepanicyears · 21/06/2025 00:11

Am I being unreasonable to complain about how much time my boyfriend spends playing sport?

we are both 27, when we met he played rugby only. Training 1-2 times a week on an evening and games on a Saturday. This wasn’t too much of a problem and it’s seasonal so not as time consuming over summer. Since then he started cricket which has filled in the summer months and he now taken up golf. The golf is my main bugbear as it’s so time consuming. For example last week he playing Friday evening then Saturday and Sunday morning. In my opinion it’s a piss take and it’s causing a massive impact on our relationship. He does less and less around the house and I work 12hour shifts so on my days at work nothing seems to get done. We have no children and our only ties are the house we share. Am I reasonable to leave him over this? Is this likely to get better? If we have children will all the work fall to me? I think I know the answer but hoping for some wiser input if anyone has any…

OP posts:
Enrichetta · 21/06/2025 08:08

InterestedDad37 · 21/06/2025 00:46

He wants to be single, has someone to do all the donkey work, and is unwilling to compromise 👍 (That's the second thread on which I've written the exact same sentence 🤔)

And I was just about to say the same…

@Thepanicyears - if you want to save yourself a lifetime of disappointment and resentment, you know what to do!

IsawwhatIsaw · 21/06/2025 08:19

He behaves as a single man, and wants a single life but with you conveniently as back up. You’ve spoken to him, but it’s clear his friends are more important.
I’d end this now.

orangewasp · 21/06/2025 08:23

Nothing wrong with having a hobby but there needs to be a balance. It sounds like he enjoys playing golf more than he enjoys being with you. I'd dump...he won't change.

Fantailsflitting · 21/06/2025 08:23

Does seem as if you're there to share bills, and provide sex and household services between the rugby, the cricket. the golf and drinking with his mates. Plus he could take up cycling at any moment.

curious79 · 21/06/2025 08:28

You’re both very young. He’s clearly a sports fanatic and that’s how he wants to spend his time. What you don’t say is what you like doing with your time? Because clearly if it’s going for brunches and to the shops with your partner, it’s definitely not what he wants.

This won’t change and in some ways it should not as that would be the path to resentment. But you are a golf widow and need to decide if that’s the sort of man you want to be with.

What is problematic is if you’re picking up after him in the house - he must pull his weight there. And if you’re home alone waiting for him - you have to nurture your own life and interests.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 21/06/2025 08:38

Hi OP

There are loads of threads on here from women who had children with someone like this and regretted it. Their husband 'needs' this time for their mental health. They're left doing 100pc of the kids and house stuff. It never gets better as the kids then only want mum because they aren't used to their dad. And the mum never has any time to herself because a. The kids don't settle/ behave for their dad and b. If she did there would be no family time at all, given there is only a limited window when he is around. The resentment kills the relationship

MyCyanReader · 21/06/2025 08:44

Thepanicyears · 21/06/2025 00:22

I have talked to him about it until I’m blue in the face but nothing ever seems to change. He’ll agree with me at the time and talk the talk but never actually puts any more effort into the relationship. It’s so frustrating!!

Then you have your answer.

If he's like this now and you've already asked him to be more considerate and he can't, then don't ever think of having kids with him. You'll be a single parent while he does what he wants.

I bet money on him begging for forgiveness when you say it's over.

Do you own the house is it rented?

LlynTegid · 21/06/2025 08:46

I think the initial responses seem to have made up your mind to end the relationship and hope you meet a better man soon.

researchers3 · 21/06/2025 08:49

Thepanicyears · 21/06/2025 00:36

It seems so simple when it’s written in black and white for me! I’ve put off going any further as I was hoping things would get better.

No he’s never tried to get me involved in any of the sport. He’s currently asleep in the spare room after vomiting in the toilet after an after golf piss up 🙄🙄

Oh OP. Get rid. Sounds rubbish. You've got all your life ahead of you. Spend it with someone who wants to spend it with you.

CluelessAboutBiology · 21/06/2025 08:51

How many hours a week do you actually spend with him?
I think he just wants someone to pay half the mortgage/rent as he doesn’t want to spend any time with you.

you can leave a relationship at any time, you don’t need a “good” reason, you don’t need any reason at all. You don’t owe him a relationship. This housemates situation isn’t working for you, so end it.

gannett · 21/06/2025 08:51

This isn't about whether either of you is reasonable or unreasonable, it's about whether you're compatible - and you're not.

It's OK to be a fanatic about your hobby and to devote loads of time to it - whether that's golf or horses or painting or gardening or whatever.

And it's OK not to want to be in a relationship with someone who devotes that much time to their hobby.

OP is making the mistake of thinking he will change who he is just because she talks to him about it, instead of accepting that's who he is, that's not the sort of relationship she wants, and moving on to find someone who wants the same thing she does.

Spirallingdownwards · 21/06/2025 08:52

The Friday evening golf would be annoying but out of interest what else would you be doing weekend mornings? My ex used to play golf every weekend but with early tee times and it would give me the chance to potter around, have a leisurely coffee and read. Sometimes he was back before I had even dressed.

MascaraGirl · 21/06/2025 08:55

OP, what does he actually say when you discuss this?

BadSkiingMum · 21/06/2025 08:55

I don’t think golf is a bad sport. It’s outdoors, social, can generally be done locally and the risk of serious injury is low. But each round is a bit long. Golfers with young families tend to get up early and get out on the course by about 7.30am, so they can be back home to their families at a decent hour. Is he prepared to do that?

I was just relieved when my own DH gave up another time consuming and risky hobby. We never had a conversation about it but he gave up of his own accord when we had DC. He was without a hobby for quite a few years and, with a high-pressure job, definitely needs something to focus on at weekends. So golf is quite good all year round. And the chances of hospital visits or death are pretty low!

I suggest that it could be far, far worse, each for different reasons:

Hang gliding
Motorcycling
Rock climbing
Base jumping
Gaming
Sofa-surfing
Religion

There’s also just being a lazy so-and-so who doesn’t do anything and expects you to entertain him.

But it’s your life and at age twenty-seven (probably peak desirability for women in terms of when men want to settle down) you can definitely choose!

Motheranddaughter · 21/06/2025 09:03

My DH plays golf
Before kids he played 1 day at the weekend
I did my hobbies,went shopping, had lunch with the girls
When we had DC he played very early so was back by lunch
Now DC are late teens it’s all back to where it was pre DC
All absolutely fine by me, we are not joined at the hip and I enjoy a bit of time on my own
Bot if Op doesn’t fancy that then she should end the relationship

MightyGoldBear · 21/06/2025 09:04

Golf aside I think talking to him till you're blue in the face about anything and he gives you lip service then nothing changes is your reason. He doesn't value you or the relationship. I hate the phrase but he gives off strong vibes of just wanting a mummy I can fuck. You take care of the home and you're there for him when he chooses. The rest of the time he is as free as a bird. That's not a relationship for you.

It's great to have a hobby but men particularly can get tunnel vision. I'm very glad I chose my husband who couldn't give a shit about golf or football.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 21/06/2025 09:10

AbzMoz · 21/06/2025 04:59

YNBU but to a certain degree neither is he.

Id suggest you have a conversation about how much time is acceptable to you both for your respective hobbies and sports. And how much effort and active engagement you’ll both put into the relationship. Determine which events will make the hobbies cancellable - weddings, holidays, time-for-us days. If sports come with a pissup and a hangover, determine if the following day writeoff is acceptable too (a couple times a year probably is, every time is not for example)

Then evaluate how this works in practice. Keep a shared calendar about how much time was your hobbies, his hobbies, your chores, his chores, and your quality time together. Use different colours to show how you’re each consuming time and if this reflects your priorities.

If the actions don’t stack up that tells you what you need to know.

This is good idea... I've done similar with two prev boyfriends with a busy 'hobby life' ...

One I dumped (became evident I was the maid /bed partner) , the other lasted for ages once we'd recalibrated (lovely man! ... As he genuinely was blind to impact it had on me...).

Good luck... You're way too young to settle for something you're unhappy with...

Deffo do this, and if it is a runner, give it a good few months /year before you breed with him!

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 21/06/2025 09:12

Leave him. It won't improve (I know many golfers. It is literally their entire life).

If you want to stay and get your own back, get into horses. Not only consumes all your time but all your money too...

Sassybooklover · 21/06/2025 09:20

Your boyfriend's priorities are his sports. He's putting his sports before his relationship, and in time that will become putting his sports before his relationship and children. He's not really committed enough to your relationship, to make you a priority. The time that he could spend with you, he chooses to spend on his sports and/or with his mates who participate in the same sports. Bottom line is, it won't get any better. He clearly wants a different life to you, and even after numerous conversations, he makes all the right noises but implements zero changes in his behaviour - because he doesn't want too! You have two choices - put up with it, but knowing going forward it's likely to get worse especially if you have children or accept the relationship has run it's course and end it. You're young, please don't waste it away on someone who can't prioritise you.

Chazbots · 21/06/2025 09:21

The problem here isn't the golf, it's the lack of time devoted to the relationship and the fact it's ignored as an issue for the OP.

To make very long-term relationships work, you need to do things independently, whilst taking your partner's needs into account. And want to spend time together...

Bestfootforward11 · 21/06/2025 09:22

I’d just end it to be honest. If you’ve spoken to him and he hasn’t really changed, it’s the only logical next step. You deserve better.

Mumof2heroes · 21/06/2025 09:22

Thepanicyears · 21/06/2025 00:36

It seems so simple when it’s written in black and white for me! I’ve put off going any further as I was hoping things would get better.

No he’s never tried to get me involved in any of the sport. He’s currently asleep in the spare room after vomiting in the toilet after an after golf piss up 🙄🙄

I think you know what needs to happen OP 💐

Planesmistakenforstars · 21/06/2025 09:25

Thepanicyears · 21/06/2025 00:22

I have talked to him about it until I’m blue in the face but nothing ever seems to change. He’ll agree with me at the time and talk the talk but never actually puts any more effort into the relationship. It’s so frustrating!!

Of course he'll agree at the time. He gets you off his back and then still gets to live the life he wants playing golf, gets you to clean the house for him, regular sex, and the financial benefits of sharing a house. Actions speak louder than words, so listen to them. He knows it upsets you, he knows it casues you more work, he knows it isn't fair, and he still does it. That is what he thinks of you and your feelings. Do not threaten to leave, just do it. If you threaten it he will waste another year of your life improving until he thinks you've got over it, then reverting back to who he actually is. If he thinks you're serious about leaving he will suddenly want kids and for you to be pregnant. Do not fall for this shit. Do not under any circumstances have children with this selfish twat, or any selfish twat.

Naunet · 21/06/2025 09:32

gannett · 21/06/2025 08:51

This isn't about whether either of you is reasonable or unreasonable, it's about whether you're compatible - and you're not.

It's OK to be a fanatic about your hobby and to devote loads of time to it - whether that's golf or horses or painting or gardening or whatever.

And it's OK not to want to be in a relationship with someone who devotes that much time to their hobby.

OP is making the mistake of thinking he will change who he is just because she talks to him about it, instead of accepting that's who he is, that's not the sort of relationship she wants, and moving on to find someone who wants the same thing she does.

Yeah except its not actually OK to play so much golf that you use it as a way to get out of pulling your weight and instead increasingly leave it to your partner.

YourJoyousDenimExpert · 21/06/2025 09:32

I think it’s important to consider the future in terms of what you can control. You can’t control whether he continues with all this sport - but you can decide whether you mind. I am a ‘ golf widow’ of many years. Sometimes I mind - but most of the time I just use the time myself. It was hard at times when our children were young. To be fair to my DH, he has never stopped me following my interests ( anything but golf 😉) - so we have made it work.
I think if you want someone who wants to do things with you every weekend- you probably need to leave him to his sport and cast the net again - as I doubt very much that he will change.