Tween house hangouts not reciprocated

[Katiecarrot]

My 13 year old daughter has friends over after school a few times a week - played is too young to describe it . They walk home together, hang about and have snacks (ie all the sweets, crisps, chocolate, drinks in the house) leave around 9pm, and for sleepovers every 2-3 weekends - often 24hours+ at ours. I love seeing her have fun with her friends and I enjoy seeing them, she has a few different friendship groups so mix of kids. The issue is there’s no return to her / us. I pay for take aways, hours cleaning up, very loud screaming (playing) and so on but my daughter never gets invited to anyone else’s houses - ever!

The parents don’t even communicate with me, no thank you, no checking on them. They have my number. Just wait at the end of the drive and phone them to come out at pick up time.

I’ve mentioned to the kids about taking turns at each others and get told they aren’t allowed people at their houses.

YABU - you choose to allow kids to play at yours and other parents don’t have to return this
YANBU parents should take their turn and have the kids come to theirs occasionally too

Play date is too young a word I mean

If they're working from home it's pretty impossible to have tweens hanging around after school in groups.

Pretty normal at that age.

Ours was always the 'hangout' when I was a teenager.

Of my whole friendship group of 8 - 10 teens, I think there was only mine and one other house.

A couple of times a week is a lot! Very generous! I think some families are more open than others. Even within families people have different views. I’d happily let mine have a play date each week, my husband would rather not have anyone ever. It works out somewhere in the middle about once a month or twice a half term. My son is only invited to one of these friends in return. I know some of the mums have anxiety around people in their homes so try not to let it bother me.

if you are happy to host, host. But don’t host in. The hope you would get something back.

Why would they want to hang out anywhere elsewhere things are so good at yours?!

Unfortunately there's always one house where kids prefer to congregate and it seems to be yours... maybe hold back on the snacks and takeaways and see if they venture elsewhere?

And TBH you'll probably never here from the parents, I never knew the parents of my son's friends once he went to High School.

I spent every weekend at my best friends house, 20 years later we are still best friends and I still love and appreciate her family for everything they did for me back then. Having a shitty home and then having a place to go have fun, feel wanted and get treats is wonderful and those kids won't forget it
I thank her now for sharing her home and her family.
I imagine it's annoying so you could set boundaries and limits on times, but don't underestimate what a wonderful thing you're doing for those kids

Same with us. My son brings back loads of teenagers for “band practise” - they eat me out of house and home. It’s never reciprocated. Same with my other child. We have a lot of room here and all the instruments set up so I guess it encourages them to make music rather than being on a computer. I get what you’re saying though. Your children will love that you have an open house. My mum’s catch phrase was “go and play at someone else’s house” I used to feel so embarrassed by her.

My initial thought was this is super rude, but then remembered I never had my friends over to my house because my house was absolutely tiny 😅 I had the box bedroom and there was only a small living room and kitchen downstairs, so nowhere for us to hang out that wasn't with my parents. Also, at 13 I wouldn't expect the parents to be overly involved with each other really. I know my parents and my friends parents never spoke to the parents of the friend whose house we were always at, although they never picked me up as I would walk home (all lived a few streets away from each other at most). This was 20 years ago though so maybe times have changed!

Not everyone has the time to host extra kids. I do t always want extra people in the house after a long day at work even if they do just go and sit in a bedroom.
I put YABU because no one is forcing anyone to have kids over

They don't need to reciprocate at the minute because you're doing it all, all the time. Make your house less available and see what happens.

I mix wfh and go out on visits etc so am often here when they all trundle in.

Positives are that the girls tell me everything, and I love the relationship I have with the friends. Also I can see they are all safe.

I feel sad my daughter doesn’t get to be the one they invite anywhere tho - some have a max 1 friend over rule - ours can be between 5-10 - however many really.

I tried the less snacks in option - but my older daughter complained 😂 - she hides food in her room now

Or room.

Tell your DD to make sure her friends bring snacks.

It's ok to be annoyed/frustrated that they only come to your house but personally if the parents don't care to get to know the adults their children are in the home of, that's a red flag and I'd gladly keep my child away from them.

There won’t be many parents willing to have 5-10 friends over a few times a week. They could invite her 1-1 but I wouldn’t want a bunch of teenage girls in my house so often either. I guess they think it’s on you to do it, and if you don’t want to, then you’d stop.

We both work FT and have two younger kids. We couldn’t reciprocate during the week for practical reasons (noise, logistics) but also couldn’t take responsibility for supervision at all, which would be irresponsible.

I might consider a weekend sleepover but not with more than three others, and not with boys. If I didn’t like the the behaviour/vibe of the other kids (apart from your DD) I wouldn’t do it as it would be too awkward and hard to explain why one and not others. No way would it be 24 hrs -4pm to 10am max. Again we have multiple activities at weekends at all kids have homework.

It’s rude (and mad, frankly) they don’t come to the door to get to know you and thank you, and they should be sending snacks etc. if it’s regular.

I think you’re very unusual to be able to entertain this with any regularity so I voted YABU!

Yeah it’s strange isn’t it m, I can’t imagine ever letting my girls sleep out and never thanking a parent or speaking to them at drop off

OP, you mention you spend hours cleaning up. If your DD is 13, she should be cleaning up, both before and after her friends come over.

You could also limit it to once a week.

I feel sad my daughter doesn’t get to be the one they invite anywhere tho - some have a max 1 friend over rule - ours can be between 5-10 - however many really.
Is you DD ever invited by these friends? That would piss me off but you couldn't leave that child in gatherings at your place.

I feel your pain, it’s shit isn’t it. I once posted about it and got FLAMED for it. But it’s still happening with my daughter and her best mate (7 years and counting). She comes here multiple times a week. My DD has been to her house TWICE!!! Still fuming about it. I think it’s really rude on the other parents part. All I get is “but we’re not allowed to her house!” 🤯

Mine are still primary but I want my house to be like yours! I’m dreading the expense of snacks etc but I’m planning on telling my kids that they can have anyone over after school but no one gets fed dinner unless I know about it before dinner!

The bringing their own snacks suggestion above is a good idea, most kids round here always seem to be stocking up at the corner shop after school.

I think it’s lovely to be the hangout house and have your kids feel at ease with their friends about. However only time will tell how I actually feel about this!

Yes, regarding the cleaning up.

Not once did my parents clean up after me and my 4 siblings had our friends over.

Well not once we were past the age of about 10 years old ish.

Yes the cleaning up after friends is definitely an issue I need to be tougher on with my kids - an half arsed attempt that I have to do properly is not good enough!

The older one went through the same thing and it has calmed down a lot now she’s older - so that’s why I’m reluctant to put a stop as it slows down anyway. Esp at gcse years

I think the parents are rude not to say anything. My son has his mates round a lot, but he also goes to theirs so it’s fine. The tidying up after 5 16 year old boys was getting too much, so now it’s expected they do it.

I think the problem is that you are still treating this like the sort of play date you would host when they were 7 or 8.

If they want snacks, they bring their own. Limit DD to a specific selection of house snacks. If they want a takeaway they can pay for it.
And if they leave the place in a mess, DD cleans up and/or ropes her friends in to do it. There really shouldn't be any impact on you, you just leave them to get on.

Is there not a park or similar they can hang out in? Mine got bored of people's houses by this age.

I think it's really rude if the parents have your number and don't thank you especially if you've bought a takeaway! But on the other hand it's lovely that your dd wants to hang with her friends at your house and you don't necessarily know all the other circumstances that prevent them going to others houses.

I'd just put whatever boundaries in you need to knowing it's not going to be reciprocated. I wouldn't be paying for takeaways for example or not very often. Maybe let your dd know what snacks are available for the group and what are needed for family.