Tween house hangouts not reciprocated

[Katiecarrot]

My 13 year old daughter has friends over after school a few times a week - played is too young to describe it . They walk home together, hang about and have snacks (ie all the sweets, crisps, chocolate, drinks in the house) leave around 9pm, and for sleepovers every 2-3 weekends - often 24hours+ at ours. I love seeing her have fun with her friends and I enjoy seeing them, she has a few different friendship groups so mix of kids. The issue is there’s no return to her / us. I pay for take aways, hours cleaning up, very loud screaming (playing) and so on but my daughter never gets invited to anyone else’s houses - ever!

The parents don’t even communicate with me, no thank you, no checking on them. They have my number. Just wait at the end of the drive and phone them to come out at pick up time.

I’ve mentioned to the kids about taking turns at each others and get told they aren’t allowed people at their houses.

YABU - you choose to allow kids to play at yours and other parents don’t have to return this
YANBU parents should take their turn and have the kids come to theirs occasionally too

I don't think many people would be keen to have up to ten teenagers eating all their food, messing up the house and doing very loud screaming.

gosh mine are! You'd think with all their clubs and after-school whathaveyou, they wouldn't get a chance, but it's non stop. It always start with someone popping in somewhere with friends to finish with a whatsapp "can I stay the night there/ can they stay the night here".

I am dreaming of a boarding school frankly 😂

But back to the point, I am not keeping score, but it's well balanced. I wouldn't consistently invite someone if there was no reciprocation from the parents.

I have been the main organiser of playdates at our house. It’s been normally on Saturdays and parents come in too (we’re talking Year 1 kids) and have a good chinwag, bring a lot of stuff and help slice pizzas/ tidy up. I’m told no one else really does group playdates. I don’t mind, it’s all for socialisation. We’re invited back for individual playdates. In your case, other parents’ behavior is weird. Not a single soul said thank you and offered to bring snacks? What sort of people are they - too rich and arrogant? (We have a group like that in our school). Or is everyone so unimaginably rude? I’d raise it politely on Whatsapp/text to say something like -I enjoy the kids’ get togethers, but I need to say that it would be fair if this is not always us providing snacks, but if it’s a joint effort.

I used to hang out a lot at my friend's houses when I was a teen. I had one friend who I used to revise with during gcses at her house nearly every weekend. My house was quite chaotic and not easy to study in. I don't think i would have done so well without that situation. I look back on her family now and think how kind they were to let me over do often and I'm so grateful that they did.**

I would love to be that house. My kids have friends over a lot and I hope their friends are comfortable here. I provide loads of snacks but I don’t feed them meals unless there’s a specific invite for that. And my children (9 and 12) are definitely expected to help clean up after. Mixed success with that with the younger one but my daughter knows the situation now.

it’s not reciprocated in the same way but we have a bigger house than most of the kids in her group of friends. Many of my son’s friends are in flats - one of his besties is in a 2 bed flat with no garden and 4 children so there’s literally no where to host. Another of his friend’s has a dad who works overnight and sleeps afternoons. My daughter’s friend has a complicated home life and I don’t love her going there anyway. So there’s lots of reasons people might not be up for hosting so I’d put the aside and work out how much hosting you like to do. No need for expensive takeaways constantly. Get in loads of snacks from Aldi or similar, maaaaybe some oven pizzas or sausage rolls or whatever and then send them on their way when you’re fed up.

I wouldn’t expect to meet my daughter’s friends parents. She’s autistic so doesn’t really make new friends so I happen to know most of them from primary school, but we don’t interact anymore. The children organise themselves now.

I don't want a house full of everybody else's kids either, at the end of a busy day 🙄 nobody does! But you do it for your child, I certainly do for mine. Some people will just take and take and never reciprocate and lets.just be honest - the crappy reasons of working from home/tiny house/anxiety are just bullshit excuses for the most part, so people can justify not doing their bit. 🤷

working from home, I get. If you are working in the kitchen, you can't have shouty kids in the background, fair enough.

The rest, I agree with you. I don't understand about the mess - what on earth are these kids doing that the house needs to be fully cleaned when they leave? They are 13, what do they do?

I was always happy for my DSs to bring friends home, at least I knew where they were and what they were doing.
i also worked full time teaching in a Secondary school, so it was just the extended day.😂

So u have a whole gaggle of girls over on a regular basis and think that the other parents should offer to do so. However not everyone is able to let alone anything else. My DDs shared a bedroom and I also had a toddler when they were teens. In a 2 bed flat. Where the hell was I going to fit in an extra 5 girls ( possibly x2) along with getting younger one from nursery sorting dinner and getting him settled for bed.All this in a small glat

Where would they be getting the parents phone numbers / Whatsapp from? I certainly didn't have other parents phone numbers when the kids were at secondary school

I really treasured the days when my DD brought her friends to ours OP. It started when they were small, and wanted play dates after school, but then I found that when DD went to other people's houses, aged only 5 or 6, that they would often turf the kids out in the cul-de-sac, and the parents weren't keeping an eye on them. So I decided that I'd rather have the whole neighbourhood round at mine, than risk something happening to my DD because another parent couldn't be bothered. From that point on, our house and garden was always full of kids, right through their teens, and I loved the fact that I always knew who her friends were, and heard all about the adolescent crises, who was going out with who, who'd just been dumped, etc. Even now, if I'm out in the village, I'll often see one or two of the youngsters who used to spend time at ours when they were teenagers, and they always stop and have a chat, although most of them have teens of their own these days.

I know it can get expensive with snacks, drinks, etc. OP, but just be firm but breezy with them, saying things like 'OK you lot, you're costing me an arm and a leg, next time you come, bring your own snacks/drinks' or whatever you want them to provide for themselves. Also, when it's time for them to go, just say something along the lines of, 'Alright you lot, time to clear up this mess before you go home'. If you do it in the right way, I always found the kids were happy to do it. Enjoy it while it lasts, as these precious moments are gone in a flash!

Whilst the cost / clean up is a little unfair when not reciprocated, I’d take it as a win. I’m 35, but my friends will still talk about how they loved being at my house. My mum was amazing, my friends would go to her if they needed anything or were worried about anything, she was just one of the girls as we grew up. We never spent time at others houses because their parents just weren’t the same. My Mum passed away last year and I still feel so lucky that I had a Mum like that, so yeah, I’d see it as a compliment that they want to be at yours and enjoy it, they’ll look back fondly I’m sure X

I’d love for my dd to be able to have all her friends over… but we have a small house, she can fit max 2 friends in her box room (sitting on her bed) and they’re not going to want to sit in the lounge with us. Some of her friends have big kitchen/diners, playrooms, garden rooms etc etc where there’s loads of space to hang out, so that’s where they tend to go. Dp works from home too (in the dining room) and is on calls most afternoons so that makes it hard to have people over too. Your DD’s friends may be in similar situations.

Our DC is an only, and I love the fact that ours is the hangout house - it’s been that way since the start of primary school, and now he’s almost finished high school and it’s still the hangout house. Over time, it’s cost less, because they tend to bring food, even though they’re allowed to have whatever they want. The other parents are happy to host, it’s just that they prefer to come here bc it’s a laidback house. Having grown up in a big family, I like a houseful, so it’s lovely for me.

I think you have to make peace with it or put boundaries in place of only visit on certain days, go home earlier. Don't feed them so much and fewer sleep overs. I enjoyed seeing the friends and hearing them chatter ,watching them grow up, but didn't host quite as generously as you.

You are probably right. I don’t know how secondary schools are organised these days. Would it be unusual to have any parent Whstsapp groups? Perhaps the OP could talk to parents when they pick up their children? The OP mentioned that other parents have her number, but not a single parent gave their number? What if something happens to their child? I hope there are at least some reasonable parents across these several friendship groups who can chip in with snacks from time to time.

We are in a small town so we all know each other in one way or other , I went to school with some of them, some through nights out etc. none of them are strangers to me, but still a cheers for having them round would be nice.

I get what some say re space, but most of them have bigger houses than me. I remember one of my older daughters mates mum’s saying how she would panic coming up to birthday sleepovers at hers. Would really get herself worked up about it but couldn’t really say why

What time do they go home are their parents even aware your feeding them everytime or are they also going home to eat. I doubt many teens are giving their parents a detailed rundown of what's happening

You are whinging @Katiecarrot but this really is your own doing.

And regards the food - I say have tea when you get home - but they do little sad faces and say they are starving!! What can I do!!

What you can do is send them on their way! Just tell your DD we are having tea now it’s time your friends went home for theirs. If you feel awkward perhaps say sorry we can’t tonight but we will invite you for tea another time.

Nobody is bonkers enough to want an additional 5-10 teenagers in their house or sleeping over other than for something like a birthday. Perhaps if your DD invited 1 friend round they might be more inclined to invite just her back.

If you want other parents to reciprocate, you needed to have clearly got them to agree to doing so BEFORE you had the children round. Setting up something you expect to be reciprocated without making that clear is unkind.

You are VERY generous to have these children back, but there are lots of reasons why other parents might not be able to:

• At 13, children may be going back to empty houses while parents are still at work, and so can't be responsible for a group of children.
• They may be being taxi service/carer to younger children so again not be in the house most of the time.
• They may be managing multiple children with multiple needs
• They may be caring for elderly parents, or disabled siblings
• They may be working at home, so again need to know that the children in their care will entertain themselves quietly.
• Money may be very tight - it's again very generous of you to feed and even buy takeaways for the kids, but some families will be strictly budgeting for the food for their kids, there won't be any money for take-aways, or even for making food stretch for more people.

What you do is lovely, but suggesting other people are somehow rude for not being able to do what you do is not on. Unless a parent has asked you to look after their kid, and then refuses to pay you or reciprocate, complaining about others not providing for you to do it, or doing the same is NOT ok.

@Katiecarrot You are an amazing mum! Sorry, no real advice, but I really admire your generosity and kind spirit.

I have always had numbers of parents who hosted my secondary school children. It was/is a prerequisite of them going I am afraid. I need to know who they are, where they live, phone number. The kids get the number from their friends.I did relax it a bit at sixth form but by then I typically had most of their numbers anyway!

I am very liberal but this is a prerequisite and I have never budged on this one.

But they are not even getting out of their cars or texting to thank you. That is just common courtesy and it doesn't cost anything.

We sort of have this...we can't reciprocate play dates very often, DH and I both work from home, and DS1 has a 5 year old brother who is often tantrummy and over tired in the evenings.

I try to even it out by offering play dates on my non working day or on Saturday afternoons.