Tween house hangouts not reciprocated

[Katiecarrot]

My 13 year old daughter has friends over after school a few times a week - played is too young to describe it . They walk home together, hang about and have snacks (ie all the sweets, crisps, chocolate, drinks in the house) leave around 9pm, and for sleepovers every 2-3 weekends - often 24hours+ at ours. I love seeing her have fun with her friends and I enjoy seeing them, she has a few different friendship groups so mix of kids. The issue is there’s no return to her / us. I pay for take aways, hours cleaning up, very loud screaming (playing) and so on but my daughter never gets invited to anyone else’s houses - ever!

The parents don’t even communicate with me, no thank you, no checking on them. They have my number. Just wait at the end of the drive and phone them to come out at pick up time.

I’ve mentioned to the kids about taking turns at each others and get told they aren’t allowed people at their houses.

YABU - you choose to allow kids to play at yours and other parents don’t have to return this
YANBU parents should take their turn and have the kids come to theirs occasionally too

Do none of the 13 year olds have homework? After school until 9pm a couple of times a week is not acceptable. Don't they have anything else to do: sport, homework, music, drama, etc, plus 90 mins of homework.

DS had small gatherings but on a Friday/Saturday - no more than 8 or 10. It was divi'd up between houses.

There was a thread, ooh about 15 years ago where we were bemoaning the gatherings and I mentioned I appeared to have been invaded by the x school girls. A MNetter and I realised her girls were at my house. We met up!

There is a very local park but due to recent safeguarding issues with asylum seekers in the local hotel approaching kids in the park the kids have got scared to go - as have many parents tbh

I do leave them to play in the house and garden , and they are all respectful good girls. I just think it’s courtesy to offer the same back between parents. And regards the food - I say have tea when you get home - but they do little sad faces and say they are starving!! What can I do!!

You are very nice to have the girls over. I think the parents are extremely rude! I would love to have children over but my eldest 15 y is autistic so his brother 12 knows that he can rarely have friends over (if DS1 is occupied elsewhere). This means that DS 12 often goes to other people's houses without me being able to reciprociate.
But:
I explain the situation to the parents.
I try to take his friends on outings.
My DS always brings snacks/drinks to share when invited over. I also give him money so he could pay if they go out for food. When it has been many playdates/sleep overs I usually by flowers/fancy chocolate/a gift for the mother to show my appreciation. I always talk to the parents and thank them and so does my DS.

I think it's extremely strange and rude behaviour of the parents towards you. They are def taking the piss. But I would be so happy if our home could be one where the children gathered so I still think you're lucky.

That means somethings odd and it's probably best your child dosent go there.

Once my kid was in secondary I didn't really have any contact with friend's parents - they organise their social lives themselves at that age.

Your issue seems to be a bit more that you are over-hosting and getting annoyed. Decide what your boundaries are and what you are happy with without the expectation of getting something back.

YANBU

but it's up to you to redirect your child towards kids from more civilised families.
If you stop everything, it's your child who will lose out. You are better off making her meet better people, friends kids, or through clubs, hobbies. It should be her choice to spend time with better friends.

Posters laugh at parents "managing" their kids friendships, but you can encourage things in a natural way, and it so pays off!

You’ve got two choices here - refuse to facilitate or accept many parents are more than happy to let you do all the work

In a few years, you will probably be pleased they are coming to yours. You will know where your DD is and what she is getting up to. Looking at teens around our area, the alternative is feral kids, wandering the neighbourhood, getting up to all sorts.

I think it’s nice they all feel comfortable at yours but I do feel you need to limit the snacks and takeaways. The teens probably think you’re loaded so don’t consider the expense.

im sure they’re all capable of walking together to the shops to buy snacks or calling their own takeaway

I realised long ago that you’re either someone that does or someone that doesn’t. If you do the hosting, you have to work out whether you’re happy with it or not and if not, stop. It sounds like your house will be the one they remember all their lives and your relationship with your children has benefitted from the situation. Unfortunately you probably have to suck it up because it seems other parents are people that don’t do this under any circumstances. Whilst it might feel sad for your daughter, I don’t think it’s because they don’t like her. It’s because
they haven’t been brought up with the same social norms. I was brought up in other peoples houses because my parents lived abroad and I depended on this kind of hospitality. I regularly think of all those parents that let me hang out at theirs and am eternally grateful. They made my childhood a much better place and they made me want to be the host and nowadays I do it regularly with no pay back just to pay back in kind all the kindness I was shown as a child.

kids are so different. For my son's social group -no one hangs out after school. They never go to each others houses and I have never met any of his friends - though he has plenty.
I think it boils down to space. We're in an inner city where most people live in flats so it's not really an option for that many people to come round.

People are moaning about lack of room or not wanting to deal with a load of kids after work. I hope these aren't the same type of parents allowing their children to hang out at other houses because it suits them

You have already pointed out the benefits though, you are seen as a safe place and they trust you. My house is often the same but we also have a huge garden and I put the tents up in the summer etc.

One summer I had to intervene as one (admittedly obese) child was starving himself as he was aware of his size, but only got beige/processed food at home. It was heartbreaking and I fell out with the parents (now dont talk at all) because they didnt want to make healthy food 😔

My house was this house when I was a teen. But we all had to clean up ourselves, together, and my mum would come and point out the kid sat not helping 😂

Now? I have to tell other parents no to playdates because I can't reciprocate them, our circumstances mean it's just not possible.

I would expect 13 year olds to be showing gratitude themselves, saying thank you for having me etc.

YANBU. I would thank you and alternate. My son’s friends all alternate fairly.

As a child, play dates were always reciprocated. I used to play at friend’s houses which were tiny, no-one cared.

My 6 year old has already noticed and asked why 1 friend didn’t invite him back, he was hurt and just didn’t understand, as be has been brought up to welcome his friends to his home for play, food, anything. So I had to explain his parent’s situation. He now asks more for the friends who do reciprocate, which is to be expected- nobody likes to be taken for granted and feel that someone doesn’t want to spend time with them.

Children are so proud to show their friends their rooms, their toys, where they live. Feel really sorry for those that can’t.

I think that you should be firm on the cleaning and use it as an incentive for her to tidy up. “You can’t invite your friends until the weekend because you didn’t tidy up” is a good incentive and dd can either rope in her friends or do it herself.

You’ve made things too comfortable. Send them home earlier (it’s summer so light even at 6) - can’t believe that you’re going as far as takeaways etc

My children are nursery age but I can't imagine letting them regularly bring up to 10 friends home. For special occasions, but not just to hang out. It's nice to have a couple of friends over but to me, home is for relaxing, I don't want mine to feel like a youth club.

I also have two children and wouldn't want to force either to put up with so much noise and disruption from groups of their brother's friends (my mum worked some evenings and my DSIS recently told me how uncomfortable she used to feel when I invited groups of friends to hang out).

If they had a friend who's parents allowed this (and I'd met them and thought they seemed trustworthy) I'd let them go. I'd see it as their business if they wanted to have lots of people around. I'd probably encourage my children to invite their friend over to ours 1:1 though, and I would insist on giving them money for takeaways etc, but I wouldn't feel obliged to have the same open door policy.

A little while ago now but between being 14-17 I'd spend a lot of time at my best friend's house, along with other friends, while it was very rare anyone spent time at my house. It was never the tidiest or cleanest place.

Some of it would have been that they lived closer to school than me, so it was more central for a lot of us, but also that their mum and dad made us feel welcome.

I would continue to welcome them assuming you have the space and can afford the snacks.

You have no idea what lives the others are leading but you DD knows you will always be there and in the future you know where she'll be.

I would want to be the house they gather at rather than my DC go elsewhere

Send them home to get dinner!

I have a family member who always stayed at friends but never returned the sleepovers as they were embarrassed by their house, eg no carpets, cluttered, dad is an alcoholic and the house was quite volatile.

staying over at friends house was their escape from normal life.

My son is younger but it always feels like we are the ones inviting people over for play dates. It annoys my husband, but I’m happy as I can keep an eye on him

As a kid we lived in social housing, quite small, mum a single parent and not much money - but my mum loved kids so everyone piled into our house, bodies sleeping all over the house. My friends still love my mum and invite her to all their big occasions, so I suppose I have it from her. Shes one of them - we have no money but we have memories.

I’d never stop my kids having mates over as that’s what I always wanted, it’s their home too.

Also we both work full time are aren’t by any means poor, we can buy snacks etc, it’s more the point that the other parents don’t like kids messing their house - some have bigger houses than ours so I know it’s not about space. And then that they will invite one Friend over but it’s never my daughter after theirs always being at ours!

You’re probably right. I have thought this and when mused about it with my own friends, they’ve said the same.

I do really feel your pain.
We have always been the ones where everyone likes to congregate but parenta' attitudes vwry wildly. I am more than happy to do it but over the years you do get to know who is a CF and who isn't.

A thank you, sending a box of chocolates or a small gift, a text or even offer to take yoir child out occasionally goes a massively long way. It's the acknowledgement that you are not a free babysitting service really but some form of appreciation is always welcome. For me it's just good manners.

One parent would for example offer to order and pay for takeaway now and then and they took dd away on holiday as a thank you too. Not bothering with any contact is shockingly rude. But sadly I have had/have that too.

I have the same with my son and his friends. Been like it for the past 2 years now. It’s hard when he’s not invited but also lovely as you said about having a relationship with his friends, I love seeing them at the school and they all have a pet name for me now which makes me smile. I’ve also found that they more relaxed you are the kids end up so much more respectful.

My house was also that house growing up, there’d always be my friends or a siblings friends, then when our dad died we got so many messages saying how he’d made them feel at home, what a legend he was, how our house was their safe space etc.