Tween house hangouts not reciprocated

[Katiecarrot]

My 13 year old daughter has friends over after school a few times a week - played is too young to describe it . They walk home together, hang about and have snacks (ie all the sweets, crisps, chocolate, drinks in the house) leave around 9pm, and for sleepovers every 2-3 weekends - often 24hours+ at ours. I love seeing her have fun with her friends and I enjoy seeing them, she has a few different friendship groups so mix of kids. The issue is there’s no return to her / us. I pay for take aways, hours cleaning up, very loud screaming (playing) and so on but my daughter never gets invited to anyone else’s houses - ever!

The parents don’t even communicate with me, no thank you, no checking on them. They have my number. Just wait at the end of the drive and phone them to come out at pick up time.

I’ve mentioned to the kids about taking turns at each others and get told they aren’t allowed people at their houses.

YABU - you choose to allow kids to play at yours and other parents don’t have to return this
YANBU parents should take their turn and have the kids come to theirs occasionally too

I’m the opposite. My only DS spends a lot of time at his mates. I am in contact with the parents and I do let them know I appreciate them having him over. There was a problem for a while when they hadn’t been told by their DS he was coming over and it caused some problems but now that’s sorted and my DS doesn’t go unless he knows the parents are aware.

I do feel guilty they host all the time, for those that do host disproportionately is there anything I can do to show my appreciation? I’ve sent him with treats to share before now and money for takeaways for the pair of them.

Our house was exactly the same when my son was younger - always the hang-out place!

We seemed to go through a prolonged period of pre-teens constantly lolling about the house & garden, eating & drinking everything in sight, etc. Our son would tell us that their parents wouldn't allow them to go to theirs, instead, whenever I queried it.

It got to a point where it was really getting on my nerves, so I came up with a set of ground rules & decided to just embrace the situation! Things like no noise out in the garden after a certain time, shoes off in the house, which rooms/bathroom they could use, specific snacks & drinks (cheap stuff!) that were put aside just for them, no bad language on the garden (little kids next door), tidying up ALL their mess, everyone leave by a certain time, etc. There were obviously days when no-one was around & I insisted on breaks every now & then, which they always stuck to - I made it clear that if they couldn't follow the rules, our 'youth club' would be firmly & permanently closed!!

I had to get over the irritation about other parents not doing the same & just figured that if we stopped it too, our son would have a much less fun social life! 🤷‍♀️

Our son & all of his mates were actually really respectful & grateful and on many occasions we overheard the other lads saying how lucky our son was & how much they appreciated a place to hang-out. It was good to know they were safe at ours, rather than roaming the streets, bored.

Over the years, we've ended up being the 'safe place' that his mates know they can come to & we've opened the door many times to both boys & girls that have lost their phones, keys, lift home, fallen out with boyfriends/girlfriends/family, etc.

Our son is 18 now & about to go off to Uni & I can't tell you how much I miss those days. All of his friends still talk to us & I've had several bunches of 'thank you' flowers over the years. Our son only said the other day how much he really appreciated all of it - in fact, his mates are meeting round at ours one night next week before they go for a night out, so that they can say hello.

My house is where my son and his friends hang out and sometimes various kids sleep over but it doesn’t disturb me house wise because of where his bedroom is. It’s sort of an outhouse. Also, with food sometimes they just order pizzas or kfc so it’s not always on me ordering take aways. They are 16 now so older than yours
with your child I would just say I’m skint this weekend but there are a come of Asda pizzas if you and your friends want to cook them. Let them cook for themselves or as they get a bit older and have more money they might start ordering things.
So let them come over but don’t pay for take aways. No can’t afford it. Then they sort themselves out or go home.
The only thing I insist on handing out is (cheap) toothbrushes for anyone who has forgotten theirs as it makes me feel gross thinking of them not brushing their teeth!

You are being too soft. Tell your dd your friends bring their own snacks and money for takeaway and she cleans up any mess.

There's no way I'd be having a crowd over more than once in a blue moon.

Ds1 (14) has a couple of mates call by, they usually bring snacks but occasionally I'll have stuff in they can raid. I wouldn't put up with more than 3 max. He goes to theirs just as often. We often give lifts to friends and occasionally will feed them but it's more than reciprocated.

Some people just aren't interested in running a youth club!!

I like my peace at home, but I'd rather my house be the hangout house where I know they're all safe and well than my son out at multiple random houses. 🤷🏼‍♀️

You can't rely on reciprocation. You just need to have them around on your terms, as often as you are happy with. If that means she sees her friends less often, so be it.
To be fair, I think straight from school until 9pm several times a week is an insane amount. Does no one have homework or hobbies? Don't their parents cook for them and expect them home? Do they just turn up or have you agreed specific days with your daughter beforehand?

I think you've made a rod for your own back in a way. There is no way I'd be providing a meal for someone I hadn't specifically invited for a meal. I'd be telling them it was time to go home when our dinner was ready, because I can't cater for that many people regularly. And if they want more than a biscuit or whatever for snack they or your daughter should stop at the shop and buy it. You need a chat with your daughter about reigning it in a bit, setting some ground rules. If I was the other parents I'd be wary of having kids round in case they expected what you allow them! What you describe in terms of numbers, snacks, takeaways is more eat is do for my kids birthday than a regular week night!

My general rule is that if my kids are invited somewhere I assume the parents are happy so I'm not going to say no just because I don't want to reciprocate (although I make sure I have them round at some point, but in a way that suits us, not necessarily soon, or with sane amount of effort). Some parents I know seem keen to have the kids mix regularly outside school for company / to keep them amused, but we're not as bothered and happy for it to be occasional. But if the kids are free and want to go it would seem bizarre to say no just because I don't want to reciprocate. If the parents don't want them as often they shouldn't invite them as often.

They should say thank you occasionally though, and if they are turning up uninvited and expecting feeding you need to address that.

Yes I have been too soft, I will never stop allowing the kids the have friends over as it’s their home. But as I’ve got older (and menopausal) I’ve got less tolerant, and in turn better at cutting off people who take the piss - so will be doing this more so with the kids coming round .

They aren’t all bad by any means,
Some of them are better than others, Some go home much earlier for their tea, homework etc.

If you're happy to have up to 10 teenagers over until gone 9pm "a few times a week" and for 24+ hours at weekends doing "loud screaming", eating all your snacks and badgering you to buy them takeaways then that's a personal choice you're entitled to make. Personally, I would find that completely excessive. I also wouldn't particularly want my 13 year old hanging out at someone else's house until gone 9pm on a school night multiple times a week, but that's not the point I suppose.

You talk a lot about your relationships with your DD's friends, how you're really close to "the girls", they "tell you everything", you "have such a laugh with them" etc. It reads a little like you want to be part of the gang, OP. I wonder if they've picked up on this and so they take advantage. You're the adult, if you tell these kids to go home for their dinner they should just do it! They shouldn't be doing "sad faces" and guilt-tripping you into buying them takeaways, that's really entitled behaviour. I'm also appalled that they feel entitled to mess up your house to the extent that it takes "hours cleaning up". They are old enough to know better.

Your OP and subsequent posts seem to suggest you wish other parents would "reciprocate" to give you a break from a situation you have created for yourself. You can't realistically expect that to happen but what you can do is to start setting some boundaries and ground rules with the kids. You can be warm and welcoming and still insist on you and your home being treated with respect.

I would always prefer to be the hosting house.

Echoing the last comment you are the adult here @Katiecarrot you set the groundrules:

They aren’t all bad by any means,
Some of them are better than others, Some go home much earlier for their tea, homework etc.

They are children, they don’t think like adults. How do they know they’ve overstayed their welcome unless you nicely tell them?

Some of this is down to your dd Our DS likes to have his friends at our house, they have a designated space to game and access to a garden plus I think he likes the convenience of not having to go anywhere! We told him we didn’t want to always be the host and they sometimes go to his friend’s house on the way home after school instead.

Dint just wish things were different, you need to advise them what to do differently.

@Katiecarrot I think you need to read this and work out what you want to gain from this

I would never want that number of girls on a regular basis and neither of mine what to have people round for sleepovers they like their own space

Well you are being very passive here (also very kind tho). I get your frustration but noone else has to host and neither do you. (I am a hoster btw so I do get it).

Set some boundaries and enforce them - visits only on Tuesdays and Thursdays, bring own snacks, no meals/takeaways provided and leave at 7pm after everyone has tidied up - to your standards. Or whatever.

People aren't taking the piss though. This isn't a younger child's playdate where you would expect some degree of give and take and parents are heavily involved in the arrangements. It's a group of teenagers choosing to hang out in your house because it's a welcoming space.
If you don't want to provide snacks, then don't. If you don't want to buy a takeaway, then don't. If they leave the house in a mess, then tell your daughter to clean it up, and that her friends won't be welcome any more if they continue to create messes.

Other parents have clearly set their own boundaries with regards to use of their houses. They are not offering to do any more, because, unlike you, they have appreciated that this is something their teens are organising and nothing to do with them. If you stopped or reduced access to your house, I guarantee that the friends would simply find another space to meet. They are meeting at your house at the moment because not only is it simplest and most convenient, but you throw in snacks and takeaways as well. Step back and let them sort it out for themselves. If you don't want them round so much or you want them to leave at a particular time, then say so!

Same here, JG24. I lived in a tiny 2 up, 2 down house with no bathroom and an outside toilet and had to share a room with my brother until I was 16. I am eternally grateful to my close friend's parents for letting her invite me round to spend weekends at theirs (she was an only Child) and to another friend's parents who let a little group of us hang out in her room after school every now and then. We were always fed (not expensive takeaways, obviously)because that's what Northern working class families did if kids were there at mealtimes.

Double posted!

I love that ours is the house where they love to come! It means I get to know all their friends really well. I love that they feel relaxed and welcome here. I prefer them all being here than out in the park somewhere. My kids are now a bit older, but the same friends come round. Some of these have been so good for my kids, and I love them. I feel sorry for the parents who don't get that experience, but I understand that not everyone wants to be so involved

My DDs friends came round. But one at a time not a huge group of them

I would resent the cost and never having free time but would feel so much happier and safer that they're under my roof than in someone else's home with less supervision and maybe in a field with a bottle of vodka and 16 year old boys

As a child/teenager, having people come round to my house was never even a consideration. My mother would never have entertained the idea. It’s possible this is the case with these kids. I can understand how it’s tough for you though!

My mother was the same, extremely inhospitable. I was quite different as a parent, always had open house.