Tween house hangouts not reciprocated

[Katiecarrot]

My 13 year old daughter has friends over after school a few times a week - played is too young to describe it . They walk home together, hang about and have snacks (ie all the sweets, crisps, chocolate, drinks in the house) leave around 9pm, and for sleepovers every 2-3 weekends - often 24hours+ at ours. I love seeing her have fun with her friends and I enjoy seeing them, she has a few different friendship groups so mix of kids. The issue is there’s no return to her / us. I pay for take aways, hours cleaning up, very loud screaming (playing) and so on but my daughter never gets invited to anyone else’s houses - ever!

The parents don’t even communicate with me, no thank you, no checking on them. They have my number. Just wait at the end of the drive and phone them to come out at pick up time.

I’ve mentioned to the kids about taking turns at each others and get told they aren’t allowed people at their houses.

YABU - you choose to allow kids to play at yours and other parents don’t have to return this
YANBU parents should take their turn and have the kids come to theirs occasionally too

We used to be that house. I loved that my sons brought their friends over, it was good to get to know them and most of the time it was fun having them around.
I grew up in a house where friends weren’t made to feel welcome and I spent a lot of time at a friends house whose mum was so hospitable, I loved going there.
i wanted to be that sort of mum.

At some point I might go out and say hi to the other parent and check they are OK with their child coming round and if its a bit much, offer to send them home earlier? Or restrict it more? I wonder if they feel a bit like it's too much but they aren't sure how to put boundaries in for no real reason. If someone provided open house for my child I'm not sure I'd always be grateful to be honest. Not saying you are doing anything wrong and that parent shouldn't be deciding on their own boundaries though but I can imagine feeling like this.

@Katiecarrot You sound lovely. For the first half of this thread, I assumed you were a single person, as you seemed to be entirely in charge of opening up your house, but I realise now you are part of a couple, and I imagine your partner is similarly enthusiastic about welcoming your DD's friends into your home -wonderful. What you've got going for your daughters is really special, they will be so grateful in years to come for the openness and generosity you have modelled and instilled in them. I always imagined my house to be like yours and for this to be a key part of my parenting, but my tw/eens' dad has developed social anxiety over the years and is very particular about 'having people over', adults or children. It is a big source of sadness and regret for me and a large contributing factor to why I'm trying to facilitate a separation.

I've never heard of a Whatsapp group for secondary school parents I suppose if kids had moved up from same primary to secondary with friends might be some as a hangover from primary school

Can you cut both the hanging around and sleepover sessions down? It’s not fair when you’re paying for all the food.

The bonus of course is that you know where your DD is! But if it’s getting too much and others don’t reciprocate it’s fine to say once a week max.

I have teen dc and I am happy for our house to be a place where the friends come over/ stay etc.

I think it is wise to be the parent who knows who the friends are and sees what they get up to.

That said, I would knock the take aways on the head. If they are hungry, they can have toast etc. I always have lots of bread, cereal and milk in the house.

@Katiecarrot the reason they aren't inviting your DD round is that you are providing it all for them. Either cut back the number of times, or carry on.

There are likely to be one or two in the group where the domestic situation possibly puts them in a tricky situation (eg one parent on shift work, means day time sleeping) to host routinely, but fundamentally you are making it too easy.

Formalise it a bit either with fewer hangouts, asking the girls to bring snacks etc for sleepovers, or set some boundaries such as "not this month for a sleepover because we have xxxx on at home... if they want to host the sleepover I am really happy to take you there DD".

I do think it is lovely having open house, and I too try to do this. But I recognise it is me that drives it. Plus, when I find it gets a bit too much I just try to rein it in for a bit.

Oh and to add... I always go out to say hello to the parents. I do it to make sure their child is picked up ok, especially if I don't know the parents well.

And we did have a WhatsApp group for my eldest’s form at secondary school. But that was because of Covid times and school closures. So it was good to keep in touch with everyone. I still keep in touch with a few parents from that group as their dc are very good friends with my dc and we are now all looking at universities.

I think you should embrace being that house. It's a place where they feel and are safe.
What you could do is talk to your daughter about them all tidying up after themselves before they leave.

But not usual. My DS was in year 11 in 2020. Never been in any Whatsapp groups. Considering he went to a different primary to to most ( 2 from his primary went to that second ary) and had been taking himself to and from school for 5 years at that point the ere was no Whatsapp groups.

My DDs were in school long before Whatsapp groups were a thing.

At 13 parents barely speak to each other and the dc do the organising. I’d be expecting my dd to do the thanking. We’re not the “hang out” house. I’m happy to be but we’re further out than others. At primary play dates tend to be alternating but secondary they hang where’s convenient.

We have had groups of teens round for sleepovers etc but our house at that point was three generations at home, so it was more difficult as we had my mum to consider also and less space than some people had, and when she was 13 DD just really liked being round at one particular friend's house, and it was also near the school so an obvious choice for hanging out.

I did speak to the other mum though who sermed to like having DD round and say her daughter was also welcome to ours any time.

i think you will just have to embrace it,
accommodate them,
dont spend so much on takeaways though!

my friends as a teenager came to my house most evenings
a neighbour allocated a shed to her teen's friends.

If it doesn't bother you having your daughter's friends round, let it go. My house was the hangout for my son's friends and they always remembered that, considered it a safe, second home and had lots of fun. I wouldn't have done it any differently. He did go to their houses occasionally but they always ended up back at ours. One virtually moved in during school holidays.

As long as you get some time to yourselves, some privacy and a few ground rules, it's a good thing and your daughter will appreciate that.

I came from a very inhospitable home, was isolated and would have loved an 'open house' as a child.

op I was very much like you and held the vast majority of sleep overs and friends over at my house. I even threw a Christmas Eve party for 12 friends one year. The one time my eldest daughter went on a sleep over she was sexually assaulted by a friend of the family and it’s affected her entire life. Needless to say , For the rest of my children sleepovers where at my house or direct family members like my sisters only. At least you know your daughter and her friends are safe and you get the kudos of being the coolest mum. Just stop ordering Take away and put a limit on the cost of junk food instead of letting them run crazy through your cupboards. A few goodfellas pizzas, a few sharing bags of crisps and a tub of ice cream is plenty. Farmfoods do amazing deals on that sort of stuff and out wouldn’t cost you more than £6-10 for 4-6 kids. Alternatively, send them home with a note saying that next week is their turn to bring pizza/hot dogs/crisps to lighten the load.

I do love seeing the kids and have such a laugh with them.

it’s calmed down with my older daughter and will soon with my younger so I’ll miss it I know. Although I’m sure it will start up again once they start going for nights out 😅

I have been putting in more boundaries the last few weeks about how often they are here as it got so much with the hot weather - and them not feeling safe in the local park. I felt bad for doing it but remind myself it’s not all on me. My partner and I have jobs with a lot of responsibility so we need that peace in an evening too,

I know all the parents - most for many years, we all know where each other lives etc. it’s a small community. One parent is a relative and they just tell ls me their wife doesn’t like kids in the house so prefers them to go someone else’s, we’ve always had her since she were little.

I know it’s a pain, but you should also feel honoured! You have a fantastic relationship with all of those girls!! They obviously see you as a cool / lovely mum! Plus, at least you know where she is & who she’s with. I hope our house is the hang out when they’re teens! It would be great if the other parents could contribute to snacks & takeaways though.

You're very generous. I can honestly say that as much as I love my son (who is 14), I wouldn't want 5-10 of his mates coming over 2-3 times a week after school!! I wouldn't want 1-2 friends coming over that many times per week either! At most 1-2 friends, once a week, and they wouldn't be staying until 9 pm either! You are providing snacks and a meal for all these children 2-3 times per week! No other parent is going to do the same, why would they when their child is being fed by you 2-3 times per week! Personally, I'd cut this down considerably, and send them home for their evening meal! What about homework? My son is 14 (Year 9) and has homework every night. When are these children doing theirs?!!

I think it's lovely that the kids are happy to come to your house, but every day is too much - and although on Mumsnet it's considered to be perfectly ok and normal to never invite other kids over, I think it's very rude. Kids don't care if houses are small or untidy... And for your DD to not be invited back EVER is poor behavior from other parents.

I loved having my DS's friends over (although it wasn't every day) ...but I think boys tend to scream less than girls, I wouldn't have put up with screaming.

My house also ended up the gathering house as we lived closer to the school. I was always happy for my kids to have their mates over but tried to minimise the impact. My suggestions for
you would be to firstly reduce food availability as that allows them to prolong things 1/ somehow make the snacks inaccessible to your daughter during this time (or don’t have them in the house which was my solution) 2/ don’t provide meals unless by prior agreement - no evening meals really helps bring things to a natural close. If their ‘little faces look sad and they are starving’ tell them to go get a takeout together if they want (that you do not fund). If they say they have no money tell them to ask their parents. You only have to do this once or twice then they stop asking. 3/ if your daughter hosts, your daughter cleans up after them. This for me personally was the big one. Daughters really complained that it was not them, it was Sarah or Jenny or whoever and I said tell them to come back and clean up then - your guest, your problem. After a while they got good at telling their friends to clean up as they went along once it was a them problem. 4/ personally I would limit sleepovers. These are an inconvenience and a cost no way around it. Once a month is more than generous IMO and if they are not happy tough, someone else’s turn. For me this was a birthday or special event only but they all lived close with good public transport so less necessary perhaps.
Personally I wouldn’t mention anything to the kids directly about them hosting - its not their fault their parents are unwilling and I wouldn’t want them to feel unwelcome. The kids will pick up on the situation and do the advocating themselves.

My house is like this.
I like it. I would much prefer them all hanging out in the summerhouse than at the park.

as a teen my childhood home was the same.

What does your dad say when you talk to her about it @Katiecarrot?

My son will ask in advance to have friends round if it’s for tea and a sleepover (which is a general courtesy to the other inhabitants of your house.)
Now they are all bigger teenagers it gets harder space wise so we tend to say 3max for a sleepover & those are limited to birthdays or holiday treats. I think you need to encourage her to be a bit more selective. She might feel ‘bad’ inviting only a couple of girls if she’s used to saying yes to all and sundry but the people being invited will also understand you can’t invite everyone to everything!

It’s nice to be welcoming but mass catering and mass sleepover parties week in week out is OTT. If you are a bit fed up of it, as this thread suggests, then YOU need to do something about it to change the pattern. You can’t blame other parents for not hosting mass groups of teenagers as most households just won’t do that without a special reason.

This is on you. If you’re genuinely happy to have up to ten kids over even once a week but often more. And pay for takeaways too (madness) then that’s your choice.

other parents dont have to do the same. That would never be something I’d be happy to do.

yes I would say thanks for having them if I was the other parent but if my child asked for money to pay for the takeaways instead then I’d say no and tell them to come home for dinner.
id also expect you to send them home at meal times if you’re not happy to pay / provide food.
oh and of course they’re going to pull the sad face at you, just send them home.

and if your daughter is never asked back for the 1:1 ‘play date’ then I’d be looking at if these children are genuinely her friends. It sounds like they’re using her for the fun / free takeaways but don’t consider her their good friend.

I think the stand out thing here was you give in to their ‘sad little faces’. They aren’t actually sad and they aren’t actually little. They know they can play you and get what they want. So this is the part I’d stop immediately if you want to - they aren’t going to starve if they wait 20 minutes to have their dinner at home.