Pension - I have none and I’m a little unsettled by DHs response!

[EllyRoff]

So last night I got to thinking about pensions and realised I don’t have one! I’m no longer working (I make a small amount of money through art which DH has always been supportive with). I did have an NHS pension when I was working but DH convinced me to come out of it due to the high payments. There was barely anything in it anyway so I received the contributions back. Since then I’ve made very little contribution in national insurance etc.

DH has always said I’ll be fine in retirement as we have his good pension - but last night I thought “what if he died? Does the pension automatically come to me?” Turns out that no - it doesn’t. It goes to a named beneficiary.

So this morning I asked DH if I was named on his pension - he said “don’t worry, you’d get a state pension” !!! I said “what, £60 a week? I have none pension! Am I named on yours?” He said “why don’t you start a little savings account?”

So I’m not named on yours then?? He said “of course you are, I mean - I’ll check but I’m sure you are”. I’m very unnerved by his response - firstly his lack of concern!! Secondly his reluctance to confirm that I’m named on it. He says he’ll check today.

AIBU here? You’d think he’d want me to be ok in his death surely? Especially since it was him that convinced me to give up my own pension. He is 10 years older than me so not massively unreasonable to consider he might die before me.

You should use these funds to start a private pension for you.

People are being too harsh. I'm autistic and until my mid thirties I did not have a clue about the financial running of my home - my exH did it all. He was terrible with money and I ended up taking over the banking when I was about 34. I also started learning about how to run a house - not difficult of course but I'd never done it.

I remember him saying that he knew I'd leave once this happened, so I think there may be an element of control here OP. Make sure you get your share of the equity. And don't leave him if you can't afford to buy a property for yourself....otherwise all your money will be spent on rent and you'll end up with nothing. In previous years you could have used the money for 'buy to let' and received an income from that but that's not an option anymore. Is the mortgage on the house paid off?

Regarding employment, I have (on and off) relied on self-employed cleaning. It's hard physically but you mostly don't have to deal with people and if you don't like a client you just leave and find another. It's not highly paid but it's well above NMW so you wouldn't need to do as many hours so you'd still have time to do your art work.

I'd always ask myself, "what would I do if DH wasn't here?"

Basically, if your DH hadn't been around, you'd have had to sort yourself out. "Doing a little bit of art" isn't going to put food on the table in a worst case scenario. You need to find yourself a little job and/or actively pursue treatment for this anxiety, and take a little bit of responsibility for yourself.

If you remain married and financially dependent, the trustees would lijely pay you regardless of his nominations, they get the final say, although no doubt it would be a headache.

However, you will not be paid the same as he would have (assuming DB). I only get half the pension DH would have got, had he lived.

I’m pretty sure in nhs pension scheme you can get your contributions back if you leave within 2 years of joining. Sounds like Op didn’t work for NHS for very long so not talking a huge loss of pension by leaving.

Also, can we remember that auto enrolment wasn't a thing until 2012, and a lot of companies didn't comply until 2018?! I am nearly 50 and have very little in a private pension because I worked full-time until 2011 (I did contribute a bit over that part of my career, but not a huge amount) and then went freelance. I put money into my pension when I can but it's not easy.

Fortunately I am entitled to the full state pension and also don't have a mortgage, so will eventually downsize and that will help. But not everyone has been organised with this and slowly building pots of 500k or whatever. I don't think any of my friends are in that position - apart from those who are civil service/NHS or very high earners...so please don't shame the OP for being in this position.

Well if you can only get the contributions back if you paid in less than 2 years that probably doesn't make much of a difference overall as would've been a tiny pension pot

Yes, exactly why I could personally never ever rely solely on another. Personally I’d always be worried that if I didn’t toe the line as it were DH could secretly just change it to someone else! Also I do feel some men knowingly give bad financial advice to their DP so as to exert more control and make them more reliant and so less able to leave if they wanted. Same goes for wills even really. It should only be in very extreme cases you don’t have your own financial security plan. The fact that OPs DH is seemingly so nonchalant about her concerns is also such a red flag. I understand that OP could potentially claim a plethora of benefits to where it amounts to only slightly less than full state pension but even the full state pension will result in quite a restricted lifestyle , even if there is no rent or mortgage. I don’t care what anyone else says but especially if single, council tax and mobile, internet and utility bills will eat up almost half of that already. To me it would be just existing. I’m single and 52 right now and having a stab at one last promotion as I want to retire at 62 and if all goes well my projected pension would be approx 2k pcm with a tax free lump sum of 40k. I’ve worked FT for 30 years so far and must admit it was only when I hit 50 I started looking at my projections and just so glad I did as I don’t particularly want more work and stress in my last decade but I also want to go on hols, eat well, afford taxis/going out etc and just continue to be able to live alone and not need a man or support from anyone else!

My DH has been unable to work since early 30s but we have never been financially stable enough to pay into a pension for him. With a young family to support on one salary plus PIP & child benefit it just wasn’t possible. I have an NHS pension & realistically I am likely to outlive DH but if not he will have to make do with spouses share of my pension & state pension. Not everyone is lucky enough to afford extra pension contributions on one salary. Maybe ops family couldn’t either

I wasn't named on my DH's pension, so far as I'm aware, but got it (50%, I think) upon his death - as his spouse.

It may have been a small pot if under 2 years of contributions but the worrying thing is she may have continued to work for NHS after opting out of pension for many more years. That could be a substantial amount of pension and tax relief to lose.

Those saying leaving the NHS scheme is so terrible aren't realising OP must only have worked there for a short tome and paid into it for less than 2 yrs. So it’s not the horrendous mistake people think it is. If she left the scheme but continued to be employed by nhs for a long time then yes it’s definitely a mistake.

This is why I don't understand and will never understand my expat friends here in Hong Kong who survive solely off their husband's money for everything be it food, flights, holidays, accommodation or clothes. Many have never worked or left the workplace too long ago to have any hope in hell of even stepping foot in it again. They receive stipends from their husbands to finance everything be it shopping or meals and everything in between.
They don't realise or accept that it takes one disabling injury, change in affections, a serious illness, a demotion, a termination, a change in economy,a severance, a death and everything in between and they'd be homeless with no money to even go back to their home countries or totally shackled financially on any adult children to survive.

If he can love you, he can hate you.
If he can feed you, he can starve you.
If he can care for you, he can abandon you.

Tradwives love to promote the image of historically women relying on men exclusively. What they don't want you to think about is what happens when the man dies or decides that he doesn't love you anymore or becomes disabled, commences divorce proceedings, changes the will since he is given full financial control, dies or corporate decides that he's not wanted anymore.

You must always have run money along with fun money and a full CV.

My NHS pension automatically goes to my husband if I die, plus he gets an amount of 2x my salary payout. Do you both have life insurance?

Many years ago a financial advisor told me never to touch my NHS pension as it was one of the best there was. I left the NHS but left my pension pot there, I was allocated 12 years and 112 days contributions on retirement and my monthly pension is certainly worth having, your husband was wrong sadly

I will never understand it either. While there are definitely exceptions, I will never understand women in their economic prime with school aged kids and no other caring responsibilities who don’t work and are wholly dependent on their husbands for financial security.

If you had continued paying into your NHS pension you would have had some sort of pension. You’re vulnerable to financial abuse here.

Surely it's easy to understand?

They'd rather not work.

And if they're husband is well paid they don't need to. They can drop their kids off at private school at nine o'clock in the morning, then go to the gym for a pilatis class They'll be in an artisan coffee shop by eleven am to moan about how awful the gender pay gap is.

We’re talking about a family coping with autism here. It’s a disability and impacts families massively in many ways particularly financially. Often children have it too. Gyms,exercise classes and coffee shops are places ND people find particularly hard. Those of us with autism find the impact on our careers particularly upsetting.

Autism is a very very wide spectrum. People with autism can hold down very well paid high pressure jobs. I don’t think it can be used as a reason to have taken no financial responsibility or an interest in the family finances over the years. There are so many radio programs, tv shows newspaper articles and social media streams available for people to watch/listen/read.

You shouldn't be depending on him for financial stability. What if you were to split up? Or as you say, he pass away? What kind of financial situation would that leave you in?

It's worrying he doesn't know if you're a named beneficiary on his pension. Sounds like he was dodging the question which leads me to think you're not named on it. Is there someone else who he could have named? An ex wife or children.

Anyway, aside from his pension, you have to take responsibility for yourself. Check HMRC to see how much state pension you're entitled to, if you haven't made much NI contributions you might not even be entitled to the full state pension. Check with your doctor if there's any medication to manage your anxiety to enable you to go back to work. Even if it's part time. Anything. There's a lot of Autism charities that could offer support and advice. You need to get your ducks in a row.

The basic state pension is more than double £60 a week (I forget how much, DH had one, had hardly ever contributed to NI being a crofter and then a free-lance writer) and you could live on it - not that we did, but you could. But your DH should have named you on is pension as the beneficiary - I suspect that if he has not but named someone else, that could be challenged.