To be unsure about naming our baby after partners best mate?

[AngelMiracle0]

Bit of a long one sorry but not sure if I’m being harsh or just overthinking.

DP was in a car crash 10yrs ago when he was 17. He was a passenger, his best mate sadly died and the driver (another mate) ended up in prison. Both the driver and the mate who died were drunk. DP wasn’t drunk but didn’t stop them or report it or anything. He was just there basically.

His best mate’s family were (understandably tbh) really angry at him and have always said that if he’d done something, their son would still be alive. Like he’s lived his life with no real consequences while they lost their son. He barely speaks to them now and hasn’t for years. Only slight contact is with the sister but even that’s rare and not really close.

Anyway I’m pregnant now and we’re having a boy. DP wants to name him after his best mate who died. Full on first name not middle name. Says it would be a tribute. We can’t agree on anything else and he’s really set on it.

I just feel a bit uncomfortable with it. Mainly cos of how the friend’s family might react. The 10yr anniversary of the crash is next month and DP’s already struggling emotionally. I don’t want things to kick off if they somehow hear the name or see something on social media or whatever.

We don’t speak to them so it’s not like we’d be announcing it to them directly but it still feels like we’d be stirring stuff up. Would it be awful to ask them for their blessing (even knowing they’ll probably say no) or should we just do it anyway cos it’s our baby?

AIBU to feel unsure about it or should I just let him have this one?

I really don't think that naming a child after someone who was tragically killed is fair to the child.

A baby is not a tribute, they are a full human being who shouldn't carry this memory of someone they never met. A name should be joyful, hopeful a d full of love, not associated with their father's guilt.

Your DHs ongoing guilt and trauma over it all make it even worse.

The other family is irrelevant as they aren't part of your lives.

Has DH had therapy?

i am not a fan of offering people as tributes. You need to give them their own identity

Your husband has survivor's guilt and he should work that out with a therapist.

I think it would be pouring salt into the family's trauma.

Naming your child after his dead friend will bring it into his life all the time, your child will always be associated with a serious trauma for both him and the family and I think it's a really, really bad idea.

Oh no this doesnt sound good. Don't do this to the child. It could be a constant reminder of horrible tragedy and unresolved pain and anger. Given the family's reaction so far they could respond poorly, don't invite that into your precious time with a newborn. Your husband needs to find another way to honour his grief, protect your peace.

I think I might agree to compromise with a middle name, but I wouldn't want to be forced or guilted into giving a name that has meaning for your DH but not, presumably, for you. I'd be adamant I was not giving them this name as their Christian name under any circumstances. This is your baby too.

I agree with pp saying your baby is a person in their own right - not a tribute to DHs teenage mate whom they never met.

No please steer him off that. The friend’s family might be upset or furious though they are unreasonable on blaming him as there was probably nothing he could have done.

I think it'd be quite a lot for a teenager to carry, knowing he was named after a man killed in a car crash which there is animosity towards his dad about, I don't think that feels healthy.
Has your DH had some therapy, it must be a painful and tough thing for him. Especially with the blame from the parents.

after reading the first bit I was thinking “aww let him have the name, it’s meaningful to him” but reading your reasoning I totally can see the concern that it might stir something up which would ultimately be horrible for you all. So YANBU. Can you compromise on having it as a middle name so it won’t be so noticeable to others?

I wouldn’t want to be named after someone who died tragically imo.

I remember when Joaquin Phoenix named his son River, everyone thought it was wonderful and I thought it was awful. As if the baby can’t just be his own person. What a legacy.

Just to answer a few bits – yeah he has had therapy in the past and it did help a bit but every year around the anniversary he goes through it all again. It’s like he carries this guilt that never really goes away and it definitely ramps up around this time of year.

We’d actually agreed on a girls name really easily, no drama at all. But now we know it’s a boy we just can’t agree on anything. I’ve suggested loads and he’s shot down every single one. It’s like this is the only name he can picture for the baby.

I do get why it means so much to him, but it’s not just about us. That family have already lost so much and I just don’t want to cause more upset, especially when things are already raw for him too.

I would agree on a middle name but not the first name.

There's too much negative trauma linked with the name to be a first name. In this case, not ideal for a middle name but it would be less frequently used.

Continuing family names is different in that they link continuity through a family's generations and there is an ancestoral connection.

Not for a friend when there's so much sadness and guilt around.
Also parents' generation names can often be off the child's generation which could potentially stand out in an awkward way.

Even if the family wasn't carrying this anger towards your DH, and he was confident that they would be deeply touched and grateful for such an act of rememberance, I would still have strong misgivings for all the reasons highlighted by PPs. It is very, very different from giving a child a family name of a late, much loved great grandparent who lived happily to 100, for example.

But given their feelings towards your DH I think it is absolute madness to even consider this.

I think it needs to be used as a middle name tbh, not a first name

I wouldn't allow this, it's far too much of an emotional load to place on a child.

It sounds as though your Partner has a lot of issues he needs to work out and clear from his mind. He might feel that giving the child this name will make him feel better about himself. If that's the case, he would certainly tell the child the history of its name, and that could cause huge upset to your child.

The poor child might assume some of your Partner's guilt and unhappiness about the sad event. You really can't let that happen.

Stick to your point of view, and choose another name.

I would say you are not comfortable with it.you are having the baby carrying giving birth. Say you are happy for a middle name .what do his family think .it would be upsetting to be calling out "paul come here, or no don't do that "

This is a dreadful idea sorry @AngelMiracle0 No WAY would I allow this. If he has so little to do with the family (who, whilst I am sorry for their loss - don't sound terribly nice,) then why is he wanting to do this? Does he have survivor guilt or something? As a pp said, has he had therapy. I would veto this for sure.

How common a name is it?

They really have no right to blame him, he chose not to drink and so could the others. He was 17 and not an adult the best he could have done was refuse to get in the car.
It is a terrible idea poor baby.

The first post nails it.

If you look into the opinion of psychologists, they'd also say no. It's really unfair to burden a child with this. Let your child become their own person.

You have no obligation to 'let (your husband) have this'.
This is such an awful idea, and not based on any positive reasoning.

He can pay tribute to his friend in a zillion other ways.
And he may want to mentally tell his friends parents to fuck right off. Shame on them for expecting a young man, the same age as their son to have better judgement than their son did. To be more mature than their son was. To not think the same way their son did- that they were indestructible. How dare they put a lifetime of guilt on your husband.

Why on earth would he want to turn your baby's name into some sort of peace offering. This is all kinds of messed up, and you're probably the only one who can protect your child from being a legacy to guilt and shame.

Totally unfair on the child. It's a burden.

A middle name maybe but definitely not as a first name.
Do you want to explain to your son that it was to honour your dads friend who sadly died, because you then also have a good chance of it coming out that they think your Dad could have saved him. That would not be fair to your son to live with.

Truthfully I really do not think naming your son after him would be in anyway good for your husband. Having to call the name daily etc would be a constant reminder when you have already said your husband struggles with his death.
The birth of your son should be a happy time for you both, a new beginning. I would put your foot down on naming your son the name.

The family just want to blame and be angry at someone, your husband got the cop for it, they know deep down it isn't his fault but if they get word of your son being named after their son I really think they'd reignite their anger all over again, it won't go down well.

It's a really bad idea because your DH is trying to alleviate his guilt, not wanting to honour his friend. The family were understandably angry and it was easier for them to blame the boys who survived than their own son. But your DH wasn't responsible for his friend's bad choices and he can't offer his own child as some sort of recompense. This won't actually make him feel better and it's not fair on your child.

(I do know a child with a middle name chosen for a relative who died in an accident but the memories are positive, and about the life not the circumstances of the death.)