To be unsure about naming our baby after partners best mate?

[AngelMiracle0]

Bit of a long one sorry but not sure if I’m being harsh or just overthinking.

DP was in a car crash 10yrs ago when he was 17. He was a passenger, his best mate sadly died and the driver (another mate) ended up in prison. Both the driver and the mate who died were drunk. DP wasn’t drunk but didn’t stop them or report it or anything. He was just there basically.

His best mate’s family were (understandably tbh) really angry at him and have always said that if he’d done something, their son would still be alive. Like he’s lived his life with no real consequences while they lost their son. He barely speaks to them now and hasn’t for years. Only slight contact is with the sister but even that’s rare and not really close.

Anyway I’m pregnant now and we’re having a boy. DP wants to name him after his best mate who died. Full on first name not middle name. Says it would be a tribute. We can’t agree on anything else and he’s really set on it.

I just feel a bit uncomfortable with it. Mainly cos of how the friend’s family might react. The 10yr anniversary of the crash is next month and DP’s already struggling emotionally. I don’t want things to kick off if they somehow hear the name or see something on social media or whatever.

We don’t speak to them so it’s not like we’d be announcing it to them directly but it still feels like we’d be stirring stuff up. Would it be awful to ask them for their blessing (even knowing they’ll probably say no) or should we just do it anyway cos it’s our baby?

AIBU to feel unsure about it or should I just let him have this one?

Don’t do it. It’s unfair on the child, who will find out at some point why he has that name. It’s an unfair burden for him to carry. His father's sorrow and (probably unnecessary) feelings of guilt should not be made into a burden for him.

You should not ask for the family's blessing - just asking rakes the whole thing up again for them, and they might feel that it rubs it in that their son never got the chance to be a father. And you shouldn't just do it anyway, for the same reason.

I can just about see why having it as a middle name might be a reasonable compromise, but I wouldn’t agree to anything more.

Your DH needs more therapy. A terrible thing happened, but he has no right to extend the tragedy and associated feelings onto his son. Perhaps his feelings could be directed towards something positive, e.g. raising money for a charity he knows his friend would have supported.

God no
Bad idea
He's just trying to make himself feel better
I would 100% not allow this
Baby needs his own name with no dreadful reason behind it

I think it's a lot of drama and ill feeling to be associated with your new little baby.

I think that would be really inappropriate. The name is associated with shame, guilt and regret which is a massive burden for your child to bear. It isn't the same as naming your child after a beloved relative who has died. It's even more inappropriate for your DH to want it as the first name rather than the middle name.

Is he expecting that this is a grand gesture that will make his deceased friend's parents forgive him?

Their blame is misplaced but understandable. Their own son didn't try and stop the drunk driver either but they obviously will not want to blame him. In their mind, your DH is the only one who hasn't been punished as their son died and the driver went to prison.

Your DH needs therapy and you need to say no to naming your child after his deceased friend.

I agree. It's a terrible idea!

I agree, the family of the dead child have NO right to blame him, none at all.

It's much too complex a situation to encourage in any way.If the other family don't recognize the tribute is it a slight on the child.
I know of another case where a lady with severe mental health issues literally stalked a man who she dealt with in a professional capacity.She named her child after him with no consultation whatsoever.The names were so distinctive that they linked immediately to him and caused huge issues for everyone. His mother died and this lady issued a public memorial notice with her son's full name attached.He was a widower with no children.
Urge your partner to have counseling.

Awful for the child and disrespectful to the family of the deceased. Your husband needs to find another outlet for his guilt.

Agree

If the friend was a close one then a middle name would be ok

No that sounds like a terrible idea.

Your child is a person in their own right, their father should not be reminded of his dead friend every time he calls their name.

It’s also unfair and unwise for your baby to be named after a person involved in a complex tragedy your partner is still struggling with.

Tell him this, and - assuming you are - say you are happy to have it as a middle name. You can say that’s where tribute names are traditionally used.