To be unsure about naming our baby after partners best mate?

[AngelMiracle0]

Bit of a long one sorry but not sure if I’m being harsh or just overthinking.

DP was in a car crash 10yrs ago when he was 17. He was a passenger, his best mate sadly died and the driver (another mate) ended up in prison. Both the driver and the mate who died were drunk. DP wasn’t drunk but didn’t stop them or report it or anything. He was just there basically.

His best mate’s family were (understandably tbh) really angry at him and have always said that if he’d done something, their son would still be alive. Like he’s lived his life with no real consequences while they lost their son. He barely speaks to them now and hasn’t for years. Only slight contact is with the sister but even that’s rare and not really close.

Anyway I’m pregnant now and we’re having a boy. DP wants to name him after his best mate who died. Full on first name not middle name. Says it would be a tribute. We can’t agree on anything else and he’s really set on it.

I just feel a bit uncomfortable with it. Mainly cos of how the friend’s family might react. The 10yr anniversary of the crash is next month and DP’s already struggling emotionally. I don’t want things to kick off if they somehow hear the name or see something on social media or whatever.

We don’t speak to them so it’s not like we’d be announcing it to them directly but it still feels like we’d be stirring stuff up. Would it be awful to ask them for their blessing (even knowing they’ll probably say no) or should we just do it anyway cos it’s our baby?

AIBU to feel unsure about it or should I just let him have this one?

Please don’t do this. You’re having a child. A person in their own right, not a tribute and means to assuage your DP’s feelings of guilt.

Imagine growing up and knowing you were named after someone that died in a horrible accident…how does that benefit your poor baby? Imagine the sense of pressure and expectation it will bring. The fact your husband will potentially associate your baby with what is presumably the most traumatic experience of his life. Is that how you’d want to grow up? Your husband can’t bring back his friend, he needs to go back to therapy to deal with his survivor’s guilt.

Then for the family, imagine how raw and painful it would be…the one in the car that walked away and managed to have a life their boy never got, naming his child after the one you lost. It’s like replacing him. Please don’t do this.

Just say no. He has vetoed your options, veto this one. If you don’t want to get into an argument about the tribute, just say you don’t like the name and don’t want to name your child that name. I wouldn’t even do it as a middle name.

There’s thousands of names, he can find one he likes amongst your suggestions.

Yanbu. Not OK to use that name. Your baby needs it's own name.

I didn't realise Joaquin Phoenix had named his son River 😬.

He shouldn’t name him after his lost friend but I can understand the impulse.

but also that family are being extremely unfair to the 17 year old version of your husband. Extremely unfair.

no wonder he is feeling like he needs to do this

I am named after someone who was killed tragically for my middle name. My aunt. And I always liked the connection to her this way.

Ds is named as his middlename after my late brother in law whom also were tragically killed. I know ds (age 23) likes the connection too.

So for those who says notnto due to thst readon I would disagree it can give a connection.

Having said that I would not use it as a first name. Middlename is a tribute imo but with the issues around the crash I think it would cause the family pain to be told he has done this.

Op you say your husband has had counselling. Could you go back together for a few sessions to work this out? Why is it so important for him that it is the first name not a middlename?

@AngelMiracle0 Your partner needs to go back into therapy. Naming your child after his dead mate in this situation is him trying to absolve himself of guilt. He’s trying to prove to the family that he’s sorry and for them not to blame him. 1, that won’t work, and 2, it’s not your poor child’s responsibility to bear. I find it very distasteful to be honest. I would just point blank refuse. Hard no. Offer to put a framed photo of his mate up or something (a normal tribute).

There is a difference in that your experiences are of using names from your own family.

They're not laced with survivor's guilt and another family's anger and blame.

That's quite a major difference in association.

(My DCs have family names, but they're not tragic in that kind of way. They're also mainstream names so don't have very specific associations)

If I had lost one of my sons in those circumstances , blamed one of the others in the car and then found that that young man ( who has lived a life my son didn't get the chance to live)has named his newborn son after my dead son ( as an attempt to ease his guilt) I would not be remotely impressed.

I think naming a child after someone is nice, but not in these circumstances. There are too many negatives and especially as the friend’s family may react badly.
Your poor DH though. Are you saying that the family think he should have prevented the others from driving and hold him to blame for the accident? Or just that they resent him for surviving whilst their loved one didn’t? Either way, it’s not his fault, and naming your child won’t help either. Perhaps it is time for more therapy now he is older and more able to process the emotions.

It would be too sad for the family of the dead chap.
A middle name is maybe okay but only if the family agreed.

Can your DH choose another name that starts with the same initial?
I think that your husband is needing to speak with a different counsellor.

I would ask him to see a therapist about this specific issue.
Even as a middle name it's potentially damaging to your child and unhelpful for your DH.

Do not link your baby to this angry accusing bereaved family. Terrible idea. Friend will never be able to be chuffed by this tribute. So who are you doing this for? The friend’s family if they are like this, will be lashing out a thousand times more if they see a lovely baby with their son’s first name. Your DP is inappropriately looking for their forgiveness or trying to atone publicly for an imagined sin by symbolically offering up your lovely baby as some kind of gift to them. Absolutely not.

Very important that you as the mum realise you have to begin sticking up for your kid right from the off. Before he is born. Start now. That family are not nice people if they have purposely left another young lad with the lifelong burden of responsibility for their own lad’s loss of life. Who does that? Your DP wasn’t responsible anyway but in any case he was just a silly kid just like theirs was. As a PP has said. What kind of adult leaves a kid with that burden? rather than work through their own feelings?

Everyone behaves differently in how they handle things after a bereavement. Sadly things could have been completely different between your DP and the friend’s family. perhaps if you were all really close with each other then maybe you could use the name as a middle name.

But how this family are actually being, is awful. Look what it’s still doing to your DP. DP needs to realise that he was just a silly kid as they all were ten year ago and it was just terrible random luck that it ended in such tragedy. The driver is in prison FGS and that’s on him forever. Your DP was lucky to survive a crash, so he needs professional help to move on with his life. He needs to not be living like a ghost himself but to allow himself to grow up and enjoy life, do important and good things with it. Like becoming the best dad he can be to the lovely new baby you are having. He needs to look forward into the future now. Plant a tree in a nice place in the friend’s memory, remember him in your own way without the family being involved. But that’s it. Leave your baby out of it completely.

I’d hate to be that child, carrying a dead person’s name that evokes so much pain for so many people.
Give the poor kid a break and find a different name you can agree on.

I was named after my father’s mother who died when he was a baby. I can’t say I ever had a problem with it growing up, it was just my name. My DH’s best friend was killed in a motorcycle accident when he was 16. DH always said that if he had a son he’d lime to name him after his friend. I wouldn’t have had a problem with it but that situation never arose anyway.

@AngelMiracle0 would be a firm NO from me .
Your baby is happy times . Not giving it a dead persons name that brings sadness and trauma when mentioned.
A middle name would be nice but even then if it makes you uncomfortable then no .

No, definitely not. He needs to move on. He was a teenager, his deceased friend, family may not want the name used either.

I'd only pass on the name of a person who was truly special, in a positive way.
DD has my mothers name as a middle name, it is special now mam has died.

How the friend's family feel is irrelevant IMO. They've behaved appallingly for almost two decades - grief is no excuse for loading blame on to a surviving child. And you don't speak to them anyway. It's none of their business.

I also think it's fine for a child to be named as a tribute to a dead friend, relative etc. Happens all the time and doesn't mean they won't carve out their own identity. Most people I know who were named after someone don't really give the original person a second thought.

However it doesn't seem like a good idea because of what the name represents for your husband - a trauma that's clearly very far from resolved. He needs to think very carefully about his son's name being a constant reminder of that to him.

I'd compromise on middle name not first name.

Our DS has a middle name of DHs cousin who passed away at 18. (car accident). We cleared it with DH aunt beforehand. We would never had done it if DH didn't speak to his aunt as you just don't know how they will react. I know its slightly different with family but the same concept I think.

Strong likelihood it wouldn’t be welcomed by the family. As they blamed him, it could well compound the hurt. He’s alive and has a son, and he’s called the boy after their dead child. That could seem tone-deaf, however well-intentioned, even to a much more forgiving family. And nowadays it probably will get back to them.

DH sounds traumatised and like he’s suffering from survivor guilt. There are ways to actually deal with that, beyond making grand gestures with a brand new human. If DH doesn’t want further therapy but is stuck in a loop of revisiting this, he could find a meaningful way of acknowledging his lost friend that would make a positive difference in the world. Ideally without you having to do something you feel is a mistake.

Its hard to watch someone you love suffer but he’s not treating you with respect, our grief doesn’t trump everything else. You’re not a vessel. This is compounding grief, not alleviating it.

You definitely do not need to inform the family - nobody owns a name. If you like the name by all means use it but I wouldn0t be doing it 'as a tribute'. What happened was nothing to celebrate.

I understand the middle name being used as a tribute in these type of circumstances.

However it's different to the op's situation where the driving factor seems to be guilt.

Guilt is so powerful and insidious, and we can do extreme things to avoid feeling the shame and pain of guilt.
But naming the baby out of guilt is not fair on the baby but also not going to ease the pain.

Also if your dp suffers every year of the anniversary, how is he going to react to his child with the same name? Every year is going to be a source of more shame and guilt.

He will never heal and move on if his son has the poor friend's name.

But would he have chosen the name if his friend hadn't died very young? That seems to be the catalyst for the choice to me. If the friend were still alive and a similar age to him, would it have crossed his mind to want to use the name for his baby?

It's very different from a grandparent or even great-grandparent, who had a good long life but is only no longer with you because of wholly natural, expected circumstances

I vote middle name, first name sounds a bit much l think. Ok maybe his friends family wanted someone to blame but their son or the driver are way more culpable than your husband. Plus by the sounds of they were all around 17 or that age. It hardly sounds as if your husband had got away unscathed from the whole thing.

Absolutely NOT. Insane idea - naming your child after a dead friend?! How do you think the family would feel if they ever found out.