To be unsure about naming our baby after partners best mate?

[AngelMiracle0]

Bit of a long one sorry but not sure if I’m being harsh or just overthinking.

DP was in a car crash 10yrs ago when he was 17. He was a passenger, his best mate sadly died and the driver (another mate) ended up in prison. Both the driver and the mate who died were drunk. DP wasn’t drunk but didn’t stop them or report it or anything. He was just there basically.

His best mate’s family were (understandably tbh) really angry at him and have always said that if he’d done something, their son would still be alive. Like he’s lived his life with no real consequences while they lost their son. He barely speaks to them now and hasn’t for years. Only slight contact is with the sister but even that’s rare and not really close.

Anyway I’m pregnant now and we’re having a boy. DP wants to name him after his best mate who died. Full on first name not middle name. Says it would be a tribute. We can’t agree on anything else and he’s really set on it.

I just feel a bit uncomfortable with it. Mainly cos of how the friend’s family might react. The 10yr anniversary of the crash is next month and DP’s already struggling emotionally. I don’t want things to kick off if they somehow hear the name or see something on social media or whatever.

We don’t speak to them so it’s not like we’d be announcing it to them directly but it still feels like we’d be stirring stuff up. Would it be awful to ask them for their blessing (even knowing they’ll probably say no) or should we just do it anyway cos it’s our baby?

AIBU to feel unsure about it or should I just let him have this one?

I wouldn't do it even if the family were happy about the tribute. I know it's silly, but it feels like it would be bad luck to name a baby after someone who died tragically.

It’s morbid. I wouldn’t let him do it. Not first name, not middle name. That won’t help him get over it, if anything it extends the misery. It will put pressure on your son to fulfil this memory of a man he’s never met. Happy with tribute names after a loving grandfather, but Dad’s mate from years who died in a car crash? It’s just not a nice story.

NO, it’s just not appropriate especially for your child.

@Cerialkiller nailed it!

@AngelMiracle0

Our DS2 was originally going to be named after DH's best friend who died in a plane crash at 20. It was a common name, not a favourite of mine, but I could live with it. I had the naming of DS1 so I figured I'd let him have the naming of DS2 and that's what he chose. In the end, he decided to give our son his late friend's name as a middle name. Mainly because there was a man in our 'social circle' who was a real egotistical prick and DH knew that if we named DS 'that name' this man would think we'd named our son after him.

So maybe search and see if there is some sort of 'less than favorable association' with your DH's friend's name that might put him off using it as a first name.

It wouldn't be a tribute it would be about him trying to stop feeling guilty, it wouldnt work and I dont think it is appropriate

Given that your husband is still carrying so much guilt around this, it’s entirely possible that he will start to associate your child with the trauma if you give him his dead friend’s name. That can cause all kinds of issues further down the line. Not to mention the potential fallout with the grieving family.

Your husband needs to go back to therapy. Maybe you can revisit the conversation once the anniversary of the accident has passed?

No, a million times over.

I'm sorry that the drivers parents are resentful about your DP. What could he have done, he was a teenager and was probably in shock.

That aside, it's totally a bad idea for baby to have the same name as late friend.

Correction sorry, his friend's parents. Incidentally does he still keep in touch with the friend who was the driver?

I’m named after my mum’s friend who was killed in the blitz. But she died trying to save her little brothers. So my mum had no guilt around her death. I’ve always been proud of my name.middle name in fact.
This however is an entirely different situation and I’m not convinced this will go anyway to helping your dh in fact it will make him worse. I would say no and encourage your dh to have more therapy.

I think even the middle name is pushing it frankly, but I suppose it's a compromise.

Please remember Angel that if you are unmarried, only the Mother can register the baby's birth and your DP can only be named on the birth certificate if he is present at the appointment. You do not have to use his surname either. So if push came to absolute shove you can name your baby whatever you like, with no reference to your DP at all. A nuclear option undoubtedly, but an option he needs to be aware of. Yes he can get his name added to a birth certificate at a later point, but he won't be able to change the name without your agreement.

I can't think of anything worse than a child's name being a constant reminder of something so traumatic.
It would be different if the baby was named after a relative who lived a long and happy life, but this isn't a happy thing being memorialised, and I would hate using the name myself too.
Personally I would just completely say no. How is your DH actually going to cope thinking of his friend every time the name is said. And I wouldn't want that myself either.

I really feel for your husband, I lost a best friend in a crash when I was younger and it screwed me up for a long, long time.

From what you've described, I think his grief has not been fully recognised - not by the family of his friend and I can see how damaging that would be.

Complicated grief is especially difficult to live with and I found the 10 year anniversary of my friends death incredibly difficult - the grief started building afresh around the 8th anniversary. It felt raw again at this point & I really struggled.

I'm not trying to compare your partners grief to mine, but I can see why he's struggling so much right now. At 10 years, I was no longer the person I was when my friend died, neither were our mutual friends. Our lives had all entered new chapters and moved on from the time we shared together...while my friend was...left behind. It was like losing them all over again.

With your husband's friend's family blaming him for the tragedy, his own guilt (and I imagine the fear that others must blame him too), it must have been difficult, if not impossible, for him to feel connected to his friend. Maintaining a connection with mine was absolutely central to grieving.

Without it...your partner must have been so lost all this time. I can absolutely see how naming your son after his friend is so important to him and honestly, I don't think I'd fight him on it.

Unlike (seemingly) everyone else here, I've never felt it a bad thing to name a child after someone who has died, although I understand why so many people feel differently.

It's a burden to the child only if you let it be. Don't project guilt, grief or expectation onto the child and they're not going to suffer. Unless you think your partner is going to struggle not to do this, then I don't believe it would be harmful to your son.

Is the name one that suits a nickname? Either a typical shortening or something similar (eg Margot as a nickname for Margaret)? Or even an endearment (Bear Grylls was called 'Bear' as a family nickname).

That way your son can be Name known as

I would also not mention your son on social media at all. It isn't necessary and puts his future privacy at risk (true for all children).

Lastly, I have immense empathy for the family but it wasn't your partner's fault. He was not responsible for his friend's actions or choices, or those of the driver. And just because that's painful to the family doesn't make it less true.

They cannot arbitrate how others who loved their son choose to remember him, especially when those people have suffered so greatly and for so long in their grief. It might also be that had they not directed their anger towards your partner all this time, he would not feel so strongly about naming his son after theirs.

Your partner's grief is as valid and worthy as theirs - it took my own experience and the kindness of my friend's family to teach me that, but it's true.

See if you can go with your partner's choice of name but use a nickname for day-to-day. Keeps the 'tribute' but also gives your son something new.

The reason you can’t agree on anything else is because your DP will veto anything until he gets his way. That not how choosing a baby name works.

Another way to look at it: your partner's friend was so much more than how he died.

I hope when I go, I am remembered for my life & friendship and not the circumstances of my death.

Reframe it - the name is only a tragedy if you let it be one. You & your partner are the ones who tell the meaning of the name to your son - and it certainly doesn't need to be something he grows up knowing.

No Don't give a new baby the name of his Dads dead friend! It's not a family name
Compromise on a middle name? If you actually like the name, that is.

It’s not appropriate and a heavy load for your child to carry.

'You know your baby boy, the one you held in your arms that I was responsible for getting killed? Well, I've got a baby boy now and I've named him after your dead one'

They will see him as 50% responsible. He did nothing. It'll feel like another wound to them, especially as it's ten years and they will never see their boy or have a grandchild from him.

Stick to your guns and don't do it.

Your precious baby is their own person, not some tribute to a friend whose family hate you. Why would you want a constant reminder of that? Bonkers!

If doing this will upset his late friend’s family it shouldn’t be done. His friend would not have wanted his family to be further distressed by this.

That thing about every anniversary? It's called survivor guilt. Perhaps the therapy he had as not the right sort or he just needs more but this really isn't appropriate and is guaranteed to inflame feelings, especially as they hold him responsible for what happened. You can't make someone else's tragedy all about yourselves which is exactly what this would be doing. Please just have a bit of empathy and stay away from this idea. It is really going to rub their faces in it. Ten years down the line they clearly haven't come to terms with it and this is only going to cause more upset. What your bf went through is awful and it is unfair that they blame him when his friend made a choice to drink drive, but he needs to move forward so his entire life doesn't revolve around this forever. Think also about the fact your child won't always be a baby. One day he might have an opinion of his own about being named after his dad's dead friend as some sort of grief tribute that was nothing whatsoever to do with his own life, and that opinion might not be what you're expecting.

I agree with what everyone else has said, it’s not fair for your child to be linked to such guilt and tragedy. Different when naming a child after a beloved family member, but this wouldn’t be fair at all on the child.

To add, it isn’t fair that the family have blamed your DH all this time, I doubt he would have changed the minds of his friends, and he was just a silly teenager himself. I’m sorry he’s had to carry this burden.

I suspect the friend's family will see it as a massive fuck you. You said in your OP they see it that your DP has lived his life without consequences, and this is a physical embodiment of exactly that.

It isn't his place to do this and you'll be paranoid every time you shout his name in a play park.

Middle name yes, first name no

In DH family it is traditional to use family names but it means there are a lot of big Brian and little Brian, cousin Brian, 2nd cousin Maud’s Brian.
How do you differentiate between dead Brian and baby Brian when having a conversation.