To be unsure about naming our baby after partners best mate?

[AngelMiracle0]

Bit of a long one sorry but not sure if I’m being harsh or just overthinking.

DP was in a car crash 10yrs ago when he was 17. He was a passenger, his best mate sadly died and the driver (another mate) ended up in prison. Both the driver and the mate who died were drunk. DP wasn’t drunk but didn’t stop them or report it or anything. He was just there basically.

His best mate’s family were (understandably tbh) really angry at him and have always said that if he’d done something, their son would still be alive. Like he’s lived his life with no real consequences while they lost their son. He barely speaks to them now and hasn’t for years. Only slight contact is with the sister but even that’s rare and not really close.

Anyway I’m pregnant now and we’re having a boy. DP wants to name him after his best mate who died. Full on first name not middle name. Says it would be a tribute. We can’t agree on anything else and he’s really set on it.

I just feel a bit uncomfortable with it. Mainly cos of how the friend’s family might react. The 10yr anniversary of the crash is next month and DP’s already struggling emotionally. I don’t want things to kick off if they somehow hear the name or see something on social media or whatever.

We don’t speak to them so it’s not like we’d be announcing it to them directly but it still feels like we’d be stirring stuff up. Would it be awful to ask them for their blessing (even knowing they’ll probably say no) or should we just do it anyway cos it’s our baby?

AIBU to feel unsure about it or should I just let him have this one?

I don’t mind tribute names, but this one goes too far. Your baby is not a means for your husband to process his grief and guilt.

I think it’s a terrible idea. The family are already mad at him, I think it would be devastating for them if their son’s name is taken in this way. Plus, it’s not a great thing for DH’s mental health, or for the baby to feel a tribute or a replacement. It’s not going to make DH feel better about his mate dying or ease the guilt he unfairly feels.

My DH's BFF also died tragically a few years before DS was born. DH didn't ask but I wouldn't have used any of the names for DS as DS is a whole individual person, not a memorial page. Instead he has names with nice meanings that he can explain, not one linked to a gory death.

It's a really awful idea.

Every time he hears or says his son's name he will think of his friend. Why on earth would he do that to himself?!

If the friends family hear of it they will be absolutely livid. Their son will never have children, and if they blame him, then for him to name his child after their dead son would surely feel like an absolute slap in the face.

He's not going to feel a solution from this, it will make everything worse. And if it's a kind of penance he's trying to experience than that's even worse.

None of it is at all fair to dump on your child. It would be just awful.

I almost named DC after a relative who died. I asked the closer relatives very sensitively because the alternative is dreadful.

Bear in mind as a DP you can name the baby without him, he can’t without you. Ultimately it’s legally your choice.

It would be a no from me. But it's obvious your bloke is struggling with the upcoming anniversary, maybe it might be worth directing him in another direction to mark his friends death and any guilt he's feeling.

Absolutely no way. This is a brand new human being, not some kind of tribute to your DH’s distress about the past.

We gave dd her middle name after my sister who died. But there was no additional blame or trauma from her death, she was an adult when she died and it had been several years previous. I wouldn’t have gone first name though.

I wouldn't agree to this. My friend's small child is named after both of her partner's best friends who died young (so first name - after friend who died by suicide, second name - after friend who OD'd on heroin) and I always thought (though obviously never said!) that it was... I don't know... A bit of a burden on the wee boy? And that he should have had his own name, not be named after people who died because of their own actions (of course both cases were tragic, my H was also close friends with them both, but I wouldn't want to be named after not one but two people who died like that! I think being named after a much loved grandpa or something is a bit different somehow).

Could you not have it as a middle name and choose something completely different as a first name? That would be more appropriate IMO.

My Dad wanted me named after his baby sister who died when she was 9 months old. Mum said no, she said my Dad's sister's death was tragic, but she didn't want me having her name as a reminder of it. They compromised on using the name as my middle name. It's different if the name is a family name, but in my case it's linked to a tragic death. I don't think you should give your son, your husband's friend's name - the incident will be forefront in your husband's mind forever. Compromise and use it as a middle name. I don't think using the name as a first name is healthy for your husband either.

We had hints to use family names when our DC were born. I refused as I believe their names shouldn't carry the burden of another person's memory or mistakes, or be compared to them.

We gave the DC our names as middle names (DD shares my middle name as it's more suitable) but that's it.

As a middle name perhaps. I never had kids but if I had, would have wanted to give my late sibling's name as a middle name.

Since the friend's family feel badly towards your partner, however unjustified that may be, they may feel he is taking the piss by naming a new baby after their son.

This is a good compromise

Agree

I very much doubt the drink friend's would not have driven just because he told them not too. It’s not his fault, it was theirs.

Do you WANT to give your baby his name? Is it not going to be a massive burden on him and also stir up severe negative emotions in both of you constantly?

I think that was @lazyarse123’s point

I’m the mum of a boy who died. I wouldn’t like his name being used by someone I associated in any way with his death. It’s not relevant in my situation as no one was responsible but I’m just saying as a parent who has lost a child I wouldn’t like someone naming their baby after him in the circumstances you describe.
His name was Max so if someone decided to use that name that is up to them but for example my sister is currently pregnant. If she decided to call the baby Max I would expect her to speak to me about it first and to be honest I would really rather she didn’t. (She won’t as they like more unusual names anyway.)
I think a middle name is a nice tribute as it would be less in your face to his family etc. Also each child is their own person so I don’t think they should be named after someone who has died.

Well yes that's what I was trying to say.

I would say this is a baby- a tiny human to be cherished, and you’re not starting out right. A middle name as a nice memory, but not a first name as all the baby represents. If it’s a first name maybe the family will hate him, maybe they will want to see him, and that’s not fair on our baby or me.

Assuming you're not married, OP, he can't register the baby's birth without you.

So you need to tell him that you're not naming your baby after his dead friend so he needs to accept that, move on and start considering other names.

I agree with this. It is not an appropriate tribute. The manner of the death does impact this. Your baby is going to be their own person. A friend of my parents was always known by a nickname totally unrelated to his actual legal name. To the extent I didn’t know his actual name. As a child I never thought anything of it but then one day we were talking about birth certificates and my Dad joked to his friend that, of course, he had two. He did indeed that two identical birth certificates where the only difference was the date of birth. His elder sibling had died before he was born and his parents had given him exactly the same first name and middle name. It has massively impacted his whole life. He didn’t feel his name was his own. Given the upset of your DH’s dead friend’s family and their strain relationship with your DH, it would be cruel to give this name to your baby.

If he really wants a name tribute as a reminder, why can't your DH officially change his own middle name - or add another one - to that of his deceased friend?

Apart from anything else, that would last hom as a permanent reminder of his friend for the rest of his life; whereas children quickly grow and then go off to live their own lives, and don't necessarily see you constantly or even very often at all.

If he thinks that would be weird - bearing in mind that he knew the friend well, whereas
your baby will obviously never meet him - that might give him pause for thought as to why it might be magically different for your baby to have to bear the name in these circumstances.

No. Just no. Put your foot down @AngelMiracle0 and find another name.

Middle name - fine. Fiirst name - no!