to wonder why parents don’t monitor children’s internet access?

[didistutter56]

Just that really; do you monitor what your children are doing online?

I have a 9YO DD who has a phone and an iPad, both with internet access. However both are checked every day which she knows and has no problem with, she cannot be contacted by people who aren’t in her contacts and if she wants to download an app, I have to approve it first. We also share the same YouTube account so I can see what sort of content she’s watching.

we’ve had some trouble recently with a girl in DDs class falling out with her (the only reason I can see for this is that the other girl calls DD sometimes up to 30 times a day, wanting to play/chat, and if DD doesn’t want to she’s called a fake friend, betrayer, backstabber, etc). I’m having to go into school today to let them know the other girl has been posting online about DD, making videos about her, and encouraging other girls in the class to fall out with her - this other girl in question has autism and it seems fairly obvious to me that she has free reign of the internet, because her parents haven’t picked up on anything she’s doing.

DDs latest browsing history searches : “what does nurturing mean”, “types of caterpillars” “how do you change your phone wallpaper”. She isn’t unsupervised, her things are checked daily, she watches a bit of YouTube (again, my account so I can see easily what she’s watching) plays TT rockstars through school cause she’s maths obsessed, and plays obbys on Roblox (with me because she doesn’t want to play alone!)

She fully knows what is and isn’t appropriate online behaviour because it’s been drilled in her from a very young age, because she sees me on TikTok and instagram daily for my business. She knows people go online pretending to be young girls, not to speak to anyone and stranger danger. I don’t need to convince anyone of this.

Anyway, school have been informed and will be speaking to the child and her parents so that’s hopefully the end of that. The girl in question is blocked, as are her accounts on YouTube and Roblox.

I remember when msn was popular when I was around 14 and would speak to many strangers on the site, many of my friends did and we were a lot older than 9 years old. We even met up with some and knew other people that did this. Luckily it turned out they were exactly who they said they were, just kids from the next school. But this just shows how stupid a 14 year old can be. My parents had no idea. Op is naive to think her daughter knows the dangers.

OP - she doesn't "fully know". She can't. It all looks very innocent, but she's 9 and she's very vulnerable.

But you're not fully supervising her, she has her smartphone with her at her dad's house and other relatives houses.

She has already been exposed to online bullying, despite your efforts, yet you still think that you're handling things perfectly and these other parents are lax.

Unless you're physically sitting there with her on YT you can't possibly know what's she's been watching. Even kids YT isn't particularly safe, although you've allowed her access to adult YT and think it's safe.

As technology gets more advanced so do the ways that kids can be groomed, bullied and exposed to things they shouldn't be seeing.

Absolutely not saying I've handled things perfectly with the Internet and my dc on any level, but I have never been naive enough to think my dc are safe online because I have a couple of apps. You seem fully convinced though, despite the fact that it's led to bullying and her seeing videos made about her.

Exactly this 👏🏼Despite everything that op has done her daughter has still been exposed to online bullying. Any normal parent would question if their methods were working not just blame it on parents who apparently don’t monitor their child… the op monitored yet this still happened.

DS is also 9 and has started going to the village park by himself and wanting to stay at home if we pop out to the shops or something. He is very sensible and we live in a very safe area so I am happy with this. We bought him a dumb phone so that he can call or text us. He won't be having a smart phone until at least secondary and hopefully not until well into the teen years.

Apart from the dumb phone and a switch lite which is not enabled to be online DS has no devices of his own. If he needs to do an educational app or research homework on the Internet then he does so on my iPad or DH's PC with one of us next to him.

Oh he is allowed to watch one YouTube video a day (usually Mr Beast) but only on the TV which is in the sitting room and therefore DH and I can see and hear what he is watching.

You wonder why parents don't monitor their kids internet access, I wonder why parents give their 9 year olds a phone and internet access 🤷

Everyone parents differently

My 10 y.o DS doesn't have a phone, I check his ipad regularly, YouTube history and apps, we're all linked to the one Google account.

My 16y.o phone and computer is set up to the family account too.
I genuinely only check if there is something wrong, she is a very quite girl, loves history, doesn't do social media.

Neither have access to the bullying app snap-chat.

Yup. I am a firm believer in giving kids what they are capable of doing and then letting them... do it. So my (almost) 9 year old has a kids watch to call me on and that's the end of his online life.

My 12 year old got a phone at 10 and I did look through it now and again that first year as she was figuring things out. She's autistic and it's been amazing for her - truly amazing. But she doesn't have social media on it and is very uninterested in it in general (she's a young 12). My son is another situation and we will be delaying as long as possible as he is definitely one to push limits!

But none of you know what’s going on in private browsing/incognito mode

all these ‘lovely’ children who are really uninterested in social media….inly looking at history of ‘something is wrong’

oh dear!

Any child with an ipad, might as well be using a mobile phone.
The school is open to dealing with SM bullying issues because they have to be, the good part is there is usually evidence, unless using Snapchat.
I don't know any 9 y.o that doesn't play roblux. (Before everyone jumps in, I'm from a WC area).
Anyway I hope the school nips it in the bud, bullying in any form is awful.

I know. Very troubling. Laissez-faire parenting re: the internet does not have happy outcomes

Judging because a 9 year old knows what YouTube is is a little extreme don't you think. They go to school and other children talk about things there's a kid in my son's class with his own YouTube channel and constantly asks the other kids to watch it.
Unless you're rapunzeling those kids in a tower they're going to know what YouTube is

Hmm. Primary age children with smartphones/tablets and internet access? I thought there was a 'cost of living crisis'?

Absolutely second that - let them be kids they definitely don’t need a phone at that age. My daughter just turned 9 and no way is she having one.

@didistutter56you have opened her world up to this abuse by giving her a phone. Agree any use should be monitored but she shouldn’t have a phone at this age.

I mean there's threads on this site where they discuss 20k a year boarding schools. What people talk about on threads is irrelevant to a cost of living crisis

Alcohol isn't going away either. And they are going to have to live in a world where it is present and need to navigate it/learn how to deal with it.

Lets just give them a drink then? Banning it will just make them drink more right? Plus navigating drinking is a key part of adult social life, it will be important for them to make friends, there will be peer pressure.. all their friends will be drinking. If they don't drink or can't drink, they will likely be left out of plans and pushed out of social situations.

The only difference between drinking and unfiltered/unlimited internet and devices for young minds is that the internet has physical harms as well as mental health damage, whereas smart phones/internet are (almost) entirely on the mental side of their health.

5-10 years ago, before we had the increasingly large body of evidence about the harms that these technologies cause to developing brains, you could have laughed at this comparison. Who compares an IPhone to a beer? But its becoming a lot less funny now that we know, objectively, how much damage addictive digital technology does to young people's mental wellbeing.

I voted YABU because you gave a 9 year old a phone. Staggered you let her on an adult YouTube account too. Most 9 year olds can clear history. It isn’t her school’s job to monitor her activity online and they won’t. They are not responsible for spats outside of school.

Check back in in 2 years she’s got bored of playing Roblox with you and is at high school . Feel free to lecture re parents monitoring internet access then.

9yo with phone and ipad - why on earth? Far far too young.

I agree to a point, but again, it's a learning curve. If used correctly and the child has a good relationship with their parents, and hiccups or bumps will be sorted out.
It's the ones who slip through the net, now that's nothing to do with the internet, it's to do with that child's relationships and look at the world.
Going back to the beer issue, some people when early teenagers get wasted and end up in hospital, many don't.
I'll play devils advocate, but this over arching concern for the few which something harms, is a bit tiresome. The media and social media will only go ott on the 'bad' story, the one where a teenager managed to order something they shouldn't have over the internet and then ended up in hospital - arrgh horror of horrors! A teenager did something bad and something bad happened to them.
This has happened for millennium, and will continue to do so.
We can't ban stuff just because it has a few, a tiny amount of bad things (in the overall big picture).
A parent and childs relationship is key here, just as we need to take a bit more time helping our elderly parents with technology.
Its a learning curve for all of us.

I totally agree with you.

The issue isn't your daughter having a phone it's how the other child is using their phone

I really judged the parents of a girl behaving like this at my daughter's school.

Then the girl,'s dad died.

It turned out her dad had been gravely ill/dying for months.

It's easy to judge other people but sometimes they are fighting battles on other fronts

It's not always "a learning curve", @Lonelydave . I deal with parents of hitherto trustworthy and well behaved children, who, because of opportunities the internet brings, have become mired in some of the worst aspects. I've had parents in tears in my office, because they believed they were monitoring or thought they had adequate controls on to protect their child.
It's taking up too much school and teacher time and is absolutely toxic.

Tragic for the family. However, someone somewhere slipped up with the care and supervision of a child here. It's not a given that tragic circumstances lead to misuse of SM etc.