to wonder why parents don’t monitor children’s internet access?

[didistutter56]

Just that really; do you monitor what your children are doing online?

I have a 9YO DD who has a phone and an iPad, both with internet access. However both are checked every day which she knows and has no problem with, she cannot be contacted by people who aren’t in her contacts and if she wants to download an app, I have to approve it first. We also share the same YouTube account so I can see what sort of content she’s watching.

we’ve had some trouble recently with a girl in DDs class falling out with her (the only reason I can see for this is that the other girl calls DD sometimes up to 30 times a day, wanting to play/chat, and if DD doesn’t want to she’s called a fake friend, betrayer, backstabber, etc). I’m having to go into school today to let them know the other girl has been posting online about DD, making videos about her, and encouraging other girls in the class to fall out with her - this other girl in question has autism and it seems fairly obvious to me that she has free reign of the internet, because her parents haven’t picked up on anything she’s doing.

I agree that 9 is far too young for a phone. My niece has had a phone since she was 9 and she spends her whole time on it when meeting up with her cousins, no interaction with them at all. It's sad to see. My 8 year old has a kids kindle tablet that she sometimes uses, mainly on long car journeys but generally spends her time playing with toys. Schools are having such a hard time having to sort out fall outs and bullying that is happening over social media. Bullying has always been a thing of course but now children have no break from it in their safe space at home which is incredibly damaging to kids mental health.

Just because other 9yo’s have smartphones doesn’t mean your DD has to have one too 🤷‍♀️

Because she’s 9, and she has no idea what that even is. She’s not a sneaky girl, she’s well behaved, and knows the dangers of social media and speaking to strangers online.

You're very wise. It does become more challenging at secondary school, but they certainly don't need a smartphone.

I'm sure she's lovely, but 9 is very young. Bright, well behaved children get drawn in. It's addictive and people out there know exactly how to exploit children. Even really nice, well behaved children.

I’m not saying that she does? I’m saying that on Mumsnet it seems like smartphones are a rarity for primary school children, but the environment at DDs school, and her friends outside school would suggest differently.

In general, I’m fairly pro-internet. I’m self employed and run an online business that requires me to be online hours of the day. I think there are great things that can be done online, but young children need supervising and limited access if you are allowing it to them. That’s all.

And there’s the problem…right there!

A lot of parents don't have time at work to be online. Or know from their online business how to sort children's access to internet. Can't be a big surprise for you.

We're all pro internet, unless we live somewhere in the wilds with no access. We all know, as adults, how useful it is. However, any access for children has to be very strictly controlled and rigorously monitored. I can't tell you how many parents say to me "not my son, not my daughter". Parents who occasionally check or think they've put blocks on, all to be circumvented.
Then they're confronted with what the child has been up to/ the recipient of.
There's not much I haven't seen in a long teaching career based in non selective state schools, but let me tell you - some things children access online , and associated behaviour, has shocked me.

Absolutely.

But she's also 9 and will make mistakes and be inquisitive. It only takes one person to show her incognito mode and that's that. Also monitoring is all week and good but it's after the event!

DD’s primary have banned smartphones starting from September with exceptions only for those using one for some sort of medical monitoring (insulin pumps etc). Hopefully more primaries will follow suit

By the same token, why would a 9 year old have a phone and internet access at all?! I have an 8 year old and I can’t see it happening for a long way off yet. Definitely not primary school. I don’t care what the other kids do.

This is terrifying 😬

What age were they all when they got one??

My son is 8 and so far so good - I know it’s coming and I’m prepared to be strong and say no, because it’s really not good for them. I get it’s hard co-parenting but I’d still just manage it by her being able to use the parent’s phone for calls. I was a child of separated parents before phones were a thing and guess what, it was fine!

You’ve given your 9 year old a phone so are in no position to judge anyone else! Ours didn’t get near a phone until at least 12. No ipads.

I have no idea why parents give 9 year old children a phone!

Makes absolutely no sense and imo is a terrible decision. 🤦‍♀️

You cannot monitor your child’s devices enough - unfortunately they will still see things they shouldn’t and there will likely still be issues between children online.

Sure, because she’s nine.

So are you going to remove it when she’s not nine?

We can all get nine year olds to fall in line. This is like those couples who tell you how great at parenting they are going to be before they have children.

Your child is being given free rein on the internet. I see that as absolute madness. You see the friends parents as nuts.

Parents should monitor what their children do on line, just as parents should know where their children/teenagers are - but we all know this doesn't happen 100%.
If monitored and educated effectively it shouldn't be a problem. for my own two children I used the 'What would grandma say?' if you were doing something which she would go 'ick' at, it was probably wrong or at least needed confirmation.
We can't ban everything outright, there are too many ways around these things, but, we can only be responsible for our childrens behaviour. Children have always bullied and always will, so they will find new and interesting ways to do this what ever we as parents try to do.
I'd also suggest that using a trust model works wonders, tell the children you are not 'actively' monitoring, but if something is wrong, or you download something they know you disapprove of..... well, fan and poo spring to mind!

Consuming internet is a lifestyle choice exactly like eating certain foods, drinking or smoking. Judging other families' decisions is essentially the same as judging someone else for drinking excessively or being fat because they eat too much. It's not "ideal" but the reasons behind it genuinely don't relate to you.

The problem here seems to be this specific girl rather than a overall issue of internet access or smartphone usage. You mentioned the girl has autism which probably affects her understanding of social cues and the boundaries of acceptable behaviour. Uploading public videos about other pupils without their consent is clearly something the school can intervene on.

What’s the school going to do other than speak to her parents? If the parents don’t care then your daughter is still going to be bullied. Then what?

I highly doubt a 9 year old really knows the dangers of speaking to strangers on the internet when grown adults do this and still end up killed. Google it if you don’t believe me. No way would I be letting my 9 year old use the internet without supervision.

If The uploading is done during school then yes the school can intervene but they can’t tell a child off for what she does outside of school hours at home.

Exactly.

I have two teenagers. They both have phones and can use WhatsApp and they have access to the Internet. We use Familylink and have blocked a lot of sites. My kids don't have Tiktok, instagram or anything else. Just whatsapp. We check their phones most days, we can monitor how much time they are using on what sites. My advice is that 9 is way too young for a smartphone. Messaging and calling is fine if you are co-parenting, but your DD doesn't need social media. Lots of my kids friends are on their phones 24/7. Their parents don't care, they don't check. Ultimately, if your DD can access the Internet then she's at the mercy of others and many parents have no idea what their children are doing online. I'd also block the number of the child who is calling multiple times a day.

The internet isn't going away, nor are smart phones or anything else, it's all about education - we were all children at some stage, and did we all do exactly what our parent/teachers said? Nope, if you ban a child doing something, thats the best way for them to find some other underhand way of doing it. Educate and let them know the guidelines.
We are creating generations of future adults who have no idea of boundaries or free thought because parents/teachers/society bans this, bans that and doesn't let children make their own mistakes and learn from them.
9 may be too young for some, but what if a 9 year old is really into Lego or train sets, and watches the 'how too' videos etc..,
Or the use the audio books or instructional videos on how to get those chords right the the guitar or piano.
For everything which is 'bad' there are good, perhaps trust in your instincts and not get parenting advice from social media? Goodness, how on earth did our parents manage, or our grandparents!?