To feel a sense of rage every time someone replies to a thread with unsolicited autism diagnoses?

[ImAHandModel]

I am autistic, but late diagnosed because I was too intelligent to be autistic in the 70s 😅. But it really winds me up something rediculous when reading threads asking for relationship/parenting advice, and every. single. one. has a reply, "have you considered DS/DH/MIL (take your pick) might be autistic?"

This desperate need to label everyone with a neurodivergence undermines the reality of actually autistic people, non-autistic people who are struggling to get on, and (more importantly to me) the responsibility of parents to do your job properly! If your kid is autistic, you still need to help them to live in the real world, and if you are parenting without a head (I imagine your own) up an orifice, and are paying attention to what your child shares day-to-day (in whatever way they choose to share) then their neurodevelopmental status doesn't matter anyway. It does not let you off the hook from good parenting if your child is autistic, and unless everyone here is a psychiatrist, clinical psychologist or child psychotherapist, they really shouldn't be suggesting that every problem on the forum is solved by assuming that the antagonist of the story is autistic.

Oh god I have! Usually from posters to profess to be autistic themselves, and seem to have extremely rigid thinking in that regard. They recognise one small snippet of the story in themselves, and then won’t have it that the person in the post isn’t also autistic even if there is literally nothing else to suggest that.

I’ve been told very aggressively on here that my DS is definitely autistic, based solely on him having stage fright

I suspect I am autistic, and I read a lot of threads about autism here (the things that parents go through fighting for their children to get basic support are horrendous)

But a lot of the time I look at a set of corresponding traits and think 'that could be autism... but equally that could just be a person who learnt certain behaviours growing up and has never been challenged on them, and wants all the perks of a relationship and kids without changing their life or behaviour in any way'

Agree! I think the diagnosis situation is MENTAL. Literally most posts on mn these days have people giving out diagnosis of various neurodivergent types. It’s mad. I genuinely think people use it as a way to explain the world because they cannot fathom that there is so much variety in people!

YABVU

I'm a regular ' is it possible they might be ND' poster.

Which posts would I write that on? The ones where I sense a familiar pattern. If the sense is wrong, what's the problem personally for posters who get upset about it? If it's totally off the mark and there's no possibility, what's the actual problem with considering it on ones mind?

It is a genuine question; what is the exact reason this upsets you? I ask that for everyone who gets upset.

The advantage of considering ND possibility, of then exploring that, of then potentially being assessed and then diagnosed. This far far outweighs everything and is why I will suggest it. I'm pretty sure I'm usually always right. Which will piss people off reading here no end.

At this moment in time I don't bet for a single second that people are being over diagnosed or getting some made up diagnosis because they want it. ( Who would want this when you look at the treatment and stigma). You can't even access an assessment now on parts of the UK.

Make it make sense 😭

I first suspected I might be autistic from reading posts here on Mumsnet. Which led to me seeking, and getting, a diagnosis from health professionals.

I don't think there's harm at all in (often very knowledgeable) posters picking up on a pattern of behaviours from a post and making that suggestion- and often a lot of good in it.

Clear distinction should be made between suspecting neurodiversity and using it as an excuse for abusive behaviour however.

I sometimes raise the possibility of autism. But that’s something I sometimes have to do in real life, and the majority of children I refer onto community paeds do receive a diagnosis. So if it looks likely, and the parent hasn’t considered the possibility, it can be helpful.

Okay, so maybe plumbing is a bad metaphor, but I'll stick with it.

In a parallel situation, you need a different kind of plumber to fix a blockage, to a systern plumber, and then there are overflows that can be fixed yourself.

Problem is that all of the plumbers cost £800 just to have a look, or you can get it for free, but you might have to wait a few years. The people saying, "get the blockage plumber," say it with such frequency and conviction, that people struggling to manage their leaky toilet might feel like an awful person for complaining about the toilet, and even more guilty if they can't afford to stump up the cash. They might have the money, but they might get a plumber who isn't really qualified (and how would you know; the forums and recommendations are only good for the plumbers who say all toilets are blocked toilets, that's good customer service) and in the end, you might have to tolerate the leak, because the people on the Internet, and the (potentially) cowboy plumber, said it was designed that way.

And for the comments about gatekeeping; maybe I'm not great at communicating, so I'll try and say it a third time. I have no problem with people who are autistic being assessed and diagnosed (or with appropriately qualified plumbers giving their expertise). My problem is the misogynistic way that neurodiversity is used to make women put up with bad behaviour from friends or partners (yes, addiction is more common in people with ASD... is that an excuse? No!) or is used to undermine good, boundaried parenting with difficult children, and its common synonym, labelling children as ASD so parents don't have to do the difficult parenting.

Of course there will be exceptions, especially for girls, but mental health/SEN advice should be raised by teachers and health visitors etc, not strangers on the Internet with no real context or understanding of the family dynamics, history or motivation.

To use your metaphor, if someone said I have a blocked toilet and do not know where to turn, would you advise them to contact a plumber or would it be better to keep your mouth shut because you are not qualified to know if the toilet is really blocked? People aren't generally saying your DC is ND, but signposting them in the direction of the support they may need.

Exactly.
The suggestion is to consider it, not just say 'ah, yes, that's it'.
A diagnosis doesn't justify bad behaviour, but it can help understand certain behaviours. Of course, you can be a d**k with ADHD or autism just as you can be one as a NT person. 😵‍💫

To add

'Of course there will be exceptions, especially for girls, but mental health/SEN advice should be raised by teachers and health visitors etc, not strangers on the Internet with no real context or understanding of the family dynamics, history or motivation.'

Those of us with young DC know that often this isn't raised. You often see threads where a child has been excluded multiple times or put on a reduced timetable but the school havent applied for an EHCP and an educational psychologist hasn't been contact. Often teachers comment on those threads not knowing the legal procedure they should follow and claiming there is nothing that could be done to support the child. In an ideal world yes, professionals would do this but we know that usually this doesn't happen.

@Smugzebra see the thing is autism is a spectrum and you can not easily read off those that will never be able to live independently at a young age.

DS1 is of average cognitive ability but has severe social anxiety which means as an adult he is effectively housebound.

When I read of intense sensitivity to clothes and socks in particular and selective mutism in a young child not yet diagnosed as autistic, I can see this as a potential replay of my own early experience and hope that early invention may make future life easier for the child and their parents if they seek diagnosis earlier.

Hindsight can’t help my DS or me as now full time carer but my experiential knowledge may help others. Social media enables free giving of practical and emotional support to those who really need it.

The lack of funding and support is the real issue not the straw target of chancer parents of the NT.

Your situation sounds quite unusual then, if you're saying you were somehow involved with this health care professional without any previous inkling that you may be autistic and they were the first to notice your autistic traits and suggest exploring further. It's quite usual (and entirely unproblematic) for assessment to come about after an individual or their friends and family notice patterns of behaviour which indicate the possibility of autism. It therefore follows that people on online forums may also recognise potential patterns of behaviour from a description of a person.

I can't say I've seen anybody on MN suggest that autism is the cause of every "interpersonal difficulty". People talk about patterns of behaviour and sometimes these are recognisable to others as potential autistic traits.

YANBU. I'd be interested to see how many people that think you're being unreasonable are autistic themselves. Also autistic btw

”My problem is the misogynistic way that neurodiversity is used to make women put up with bad behaviour from friends or partners (yes, addiction is more common in people with ASD... is that an excuse? No!)”

If we’re talking about women being expected to tolerate men’s bad behaviour (which may/may not include addiction) ‘because neurodiversity etc’ I absolutely agree, ie it’s not ‘an excuse’.

However, any condition of ASD/ND underlying a presentation of chronic addiction absolutely deserves attention in its own right. It’s not about excuses and dodging consequences/accountability, but may well be part of the explanation around the process of addiction, and give people a meaningful chance for recovery.

I agree.

I think I'm trying to talk about how all-or-nothing it feels. It doesn't feel like people are informing the picture most of the time. There are occasional posts that suggest different approaches that are ASD-friendly, but most feel like they're pushing the posters to capitulate with the behaviour and kowtow to the aggressor, "because autism."

I agree, I see this often too

I agree with you completely.

OP has changed the narrative. This was initially just a bog standard, gatekeeping, "everyone is desperate for a label" thread. Only when there was some objection did it suddenly become primarily a thread about women being expected to tolerate poor male behaviour (which I think most would agree does happen A LOT and is wrong).

MN is a public platform with a range of experiences and opinions, and ASD/ND is certainly thought-provoking stuff. I reckon people will go on to do their own research if they need/want to find out more.

Maybe I’m reading different threads but I don’t think I have ever seen a thread where neurodivergence is being queried for general assholery.

I have seen plenty where it is suggested for behaviours which DO actually sound like neurodivergence.

Reading threads like that helped the penny to drop for me and then be able to recognise similar traits in my DC, who are now diagnosed / on the path to diagnosis.

What really annoys me on these threads is when autistic people act like they own autism and tell everyone else they are wrong based entirely on their own experiences. Some people with autism cannot cope with getting on a bus without a carer, some hold down successful stressful jobs and a million other in between types. So it's entirely possible that someone behaving in a way alien to the autistic person is also autistic, just as NT people encounter those they cannot understand no matter how hard they try. I have two sons with an autism diagnosis and you could not find two more different individuals in this world. They don't get on either, absolutely cannot get each other so the double empathy theory goes out the window here. They both manifested wildly different autistic traits as babies and young children, when DS2 came along I was just as much in the dark because nothing I learned with DS1 applied to him. For this reason I think YABU and it's very important to keep an open mind. If posters are wrong to suggest it so be it but if a parent is posting because they are worried about a behaviour it's because they already see something a little 'off' from NT behaviour and they are looking for guidance and suggestions.

That is of course how it should be and maybe you work in a good school. But what I have seen is that without a diagnosis schools don’t see “need” they see “challenging behaviour” and do things like children missing breaks, being not allowed to do activities. These misunderstood children then spiral further downwards. Are later diagnosed and have some sort of protection but it is all too little too late. I am talking primarily about children who initially appear neurotypical and can access the curriculum.

Have you considered that one or both parents might have undiagnosed Autism so parenting might not be the same

I was always being told to put dc in timeout or remove a toy or all the other bull crap stuff that works with a NT child
Tell them off was another pearl of wisdom

Even before I was diagnosed it was clearly never going to work with my own Dc because it never worked with me.

Still can’t understand why taking something away is punishment. Don’t you just do something else.

People ask could child be ND because most of the time what is being described does show ND traits.

Whilst everyone with a Neurodivergence isn’t the same there are a range of behaviours that could be recognised as ND

Had a conversation with a client about our meds when I noticed he was mainlining coffee and wasn’t wearing socks.

I have had other peoples clients (who have ADHD) stop me to ask me if I have ADHD based just on me walking across a room

It takes one to know one.

Unitedthebest · 15/06/2025 23:11

In my experience from a professional and personal view, often those that are ND are the ones that display the most caring, nurturing, positive human traits so yes I agree with the OP…when we see people commenting their husbands treat them like human garbage and people say ‘oh are they autistic’ it enrages me.
FWIW being ND or suffering from anxiety/depression is NEVER an excuse to behave appallingly to someone..the two categorically do not go hand in hand.

If the person is inherently selfish, ie everything comes back to them, which is a huge part of autism, and they feel out of control in how to deal with the everyday, and have to think about another person’s feelings, but don’t really know how to do that of course it can come out as appalling behaviour

Exactly this!