To feel a sense of rage every time someone replies to a thread with unsolicited autism diagnoses?

[ImAHandModel]

I am autistic, but late diagnosed because I was too intelligent to be autistic in the 70s 😅. But it really winds me up something rediculous when reading threads asking for relationship/parenting advice, and every. single. one. has a reply, "have you considered DS/DH/MIL (take your pick) might be autistic?"

This desperate need to label everyone with a neurodivergence undermines the reality of actually autistic people, non-autistic people who are struggling to get on, and (more importantly to me) the responsibility of parents to do your job properly! If your kid is autistic, you still need to help them to live in the real world, and if you are parenting without a head (I imagine your own) up an orifice, and are paying attention to what your child shares day-to-day (in whatever way they choose to share) then their neurodevelopmental status doesn't matter anyway. It does not let you off the hook from good parenting if your child is autistic, and unless everyone here is a psychiatrist, clinical psychologist or child psychotherapist, they really shouldn't be suggesting that every problem on the forum is solved by assuming that the antagonist of the story is autistic.

Actually, it IS important and I will continue to suggest ND when I see a pattern that fits my experiences.

I am long-term married to a man with a late autism diagnosis (35), have an autistic DS, and various other extended family members.
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My hubby's diagnosis has transformed our marriage. He has a far far better understanding of himself, lots more tolerance for me being outside his lines, and I can reasonably step in when needed without it being an insult or issue e.g. he no longer puts himself under pressure to go to family events and I can say why.

Autism isn't controlling to demean or belittle. It is controlling an environment to minimise change. If ND is a possibility, we can all learn how to adapt to reduce / prepare someone for change.

And why insist that ND should just cope with "the real world"? They are part of the world!! How about NT start really implememting adaptations for ND as we reasonably expect for disabilities instead.

I diagnose autism for a living.

tn the vast majority of cases on here where somebody suggests the child sounds autistic, I silently agree.

i used to offer advice but found other people on mumsnet without professional knowledge would wade in and disagree, so now I can’t be arsed to comment usually.

@Wowwee1234 thanks for your thoughtful and positive comment 🙏

If ND is a possibility, we can all learn how to adapt to reduce / prepare someone for change.

And why insist that ND should just cope with "the real world"? They are part of the world!! How about NT start really implememting adaptations for ND as we reasonably expect for disabilities instead.

What ND are you talking about here? Because the adaptations for dyslexia will be different for autism, which will be different for ADHD, which will be different for Tourette’s… and which will all be different depending on the individual anyway. It’s definitely not about reducing / preparing for change for everyone.

@BlueyNeedsToFuckOff As a society we can more or less* manage ramps, lifts, sign-language, hearing loops, and braille, so we can also learn to accommodate each form of ND in it's own way.

*aware provision is often terrible but the requirement is at least mostly understood.

he no longer puts himself under pressure to go to family events and I can say why

Please note I'm not trying to belittle your story, @Wowwee1234. I picked up what you said here to echo @Seamoss upthread:

The spectrum of 'normal' is getting smaller and anyone with a hint of a trait must be (self or friend diagnosed) neurodivergent

I know this is the way things are going (even have my theories about why) but reserve the right to do a tsk and eye-roll every so often! I'm assuming it never occurred to you or DH to simply tell your would-be hosts that he wouldn't be joining? No host, family or other, has a right to demand explanations - I mean, you can lie a little bit if it helps, but I've often told people my husband/friend/I wasn't up for a social thing.

I don't even like the rush to diagnose children, though I realise resource scarcity means we can't have individual support for each child as needed - the system's designed to filter and categorise needs because it can't cope flexibly. It gets a bit exasperating, though, when grown-ups perpetually label themselves with some disorder or other instead of starting from a position of "this is how I am, it creates this and that problem, this is one way I'm trying to manage it". Taking full personal responsibility, in other words, and demonstrating self-knowledge.

This would apply to the ~50% of autistic people who can function in society, by the way. The other 50% cannot. We don't hear as much from them because most are unable to maintain social communications. They don't label themselves or talk about being special, they just are themselves.

I wonder if anybody's created a template of human normality? Perhaps the DSM committee would be qualified to do it. I wonder how many people actually fit the definition?

100% agree. It looks like gaslighting of women.

To echo another comment on here:

Person A ‘my husband is a violent drunk who refuses to contribute to household bills’
Person B ‘maybe he has ND. Have you tried writing a list for him and/or walking on eggshells?’

Person C ‘My son is a violent drug user who refuses to go to college’
Person D ‘maybe he has SEND. Have you tried writing a list for him and/or walking on eggshells?’

For sure, it’s never acceptable to give out or be on the receiving end of violence. No, no, no.

However, having worked in drugs/alcohol rehab for nearly a decade in the past, there were many clients who were assessed as ‘dual diagnosis’, ie neurodivergent - BPD, schizophrenic, ADHD, dyslexic etc. It was important to be aware of this vulnerability so the client had a better chance of stabilising/getting well.

Taking personal responsibility was a big part of the recovery process, as was getting support/knowledge/developing insight. Interestingly it was often (def not always) ND clients who were ‘kinder’ to each other, and made good use of support.

I know spectrum stuff is a big topic, with lots of experiences and opinions. But I think about the years of wasted potential and suffering, even for so-called high functioning people, and, not least, the impact on friends and family.

Exactly this. It's also shocking how many people describe characteristics of a person, and don't see how they may well not be NT. Lots and lots of adults were just branded 'difficult' or 'challenging' as children, and many also masked - so much so that they seemed NT in public. I also think that undiagnosed/managed ND can lead to a whole host of mental health issues.

if you are parenting without a head (I imagine your own) up an orifice, and are paying attention to what your child shares day-to-day (in whatever way they choose to share) then their neurodevelopmental status doesn't matter anyway. It does not let you off the hook from good parenting

Ouch. Imagine your not HF or diagnosed well into adulthood? Imagine your diagnosed at 3, can't talk at 7, illiterate at 10. Never stepped foot in a mainstream school and never will. Will never sit a gcse, never get a job, never have kids, never get married?

In my sons case their neurodevelopment does Fucking matter. He won't ever be on a forum poo pooing ASD diagnosis because he accidentally found out in later life.

Maybe he and I need to buck the fuck up?

You are completely unreasonable. You got diagnosed late in life, you should understand more than anyone. So many people grow up not knowing they’re autistic but knowing something is ‘different’ about them - it’s only if people point it out that those people research and get the diagnosis they deserve. The education and people sharing the knowledge is beneficial to helping aid people in getting the medical support they need.

My son is awaiting a diagnosis for autism and adhd (it’s pretty clear and multiple professionals have stated he is, just waiting for the ‘official’ diagnosis). It wasn’t until I had my son that it kind of clicked for me that me feeling different and odd my entire life is likely the fact that I’m autistic too.

Absolbloodylutely! Spot on!

YABU by hogging the diagnosis for yourself. It presents in all different ways not just how you experience it. And most people aren’t as lucky as you, going through life struggling and masking and being exhausted, having difficulties etc. I’m grateful it’s being normalised

It's either that or "Do they have MH issues?"

I imagine it must be pretty challenging and heartbreaking to parent an ASD child with high level needs. And as autistic adults life is still difficult to navigate.

However, being diagnosed later in life, when all the dots join up and the mask falls off - the grief, the pain, the missed opportunities, seeing how different life could have been etc - is also a thing.

Gatekeeping is not helpful.

Asking if someone has considered it, isn’t the same as diagnosing them.

A friend of mine posted on another site about some issues her child was having and someone said ‘have you considered they may be autistic?’ My friend hadn’t, but looked into it based on this comment. She had her child assessed and it turned out they are autistic and have some other ND, so she’ll be forever grateful to that person suggesting it as a possibility. Her child now gets some adjustments at school, is getting some other help and all of their lives have much improved.

It’s not just autism, though - any instance of selfish/lazy/just plain rude behaviour is too often met with suggestions of some sort of neurodiversity.
Too often it seems that there always has to be an excuse, so that it’s not the person’s fault.

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER you have a point. I’ve noticed some of the younger-diagnosed/lower needs often overly declare themselves as a bit ‘special, unique and different’. I don’t think it’s helpful.

I'm late diagnosed autistic and if I see traits then I'll mention it. Why are you trying to gatekeep diagnoses?

Some schools. Some refuse to acknowledge there's any needs until there's a diagnosis and unregutable proof from a medical professional team detailing them.

I think people are trying to find a logical reason for the behaviour that they have an issue with. Some people seem to have a problem with the fact that sometimes people behave badly just becuase they want to. No other reason. And actually, so what if the person is nd or not, you can choose not to be around the person.

Definitely this.

Plus, having a ND child doesn't mean that you don't parent them, but that you parent them differently. My daughter didn't get diagnosed until she was 13, but we implemented strategies for autistic kids from the age of 4. It made a huge, huge difference, but without the heads up, we never would have known to try a different approach.

I am autistic, but I do believe the rise of the ‘screen’ does people to youngsters brain development and that’s why we are seeing a whole lot more children being diagnosed as ND now. I think it’s becoming, in a lot of cases, a condition they develop, rather than one they are born with.
Screens and the addiction to them and the instant gratification is doing something to brains that are still maturing, and the result is the behaviours that we are now labelling as autism or ADHD.

But its only your opinion that the issue is ever “lazy parenting”—or even if it was what relevance is it to threads on badly behaving adults? If a poster—here on mumsnet generally female—finds herself in conflict with another person why should NT/ND not come into the discussion as a lens through which to examine the issue ? ND OPs are often supported by commentors and identifying common misperceptions or mismatches in expectations between NT/ND can be useful.

Isn't it just!

Autism for me but not for thee.