What could I have done differently? 15yr old no tea

[Oollliivviiaa]

My 15yr old is being vile to me recently. Everything is my fault and some days she will barely speak to me. Yesterday she was awful to me all day. I got a half hearted apology in the evening.

She has taken to moaning about everything we give her to eat. We've asked her what she wants and within reason try to accommodate it (recognising that others have to eat it, time constraints etc). However she just says "I dunno" if we ask her so Ive started just cooking. That always end up with "ugh I dont want it". Tonight I started cooking and she demanded to know what I was cooking. She likes it but if I told her, she would have moaned and I just cant be bothered so I said "it'll be done soon, can you set the table please". She started moaning so I said "it doesnt matter what it is because you'll moan that you dont like it anyway". Not the most helpful comment I know.

Anyway she stormed off to her room because of that comment and has decided shes not going to eat tea (she still doesn't even know what it is!). Her dad went up to tell her it was done and she refused to come down. Ive gone up just to say that if she doesnt eat it, there wont be anything else until breakfast and if she doesn't eat it tonight, it will be reheated for tomorrow's tea. (It reheats well so Im not serving her anything horrible). I wasnt being confrontational or anything like that. She made a sarcastic comment so I just walked away.

She's not come down so I guess shes not having tea.

Its just All. The. Time. It is constant. I am worn out and as awful as it sounds, Im struggling to care that she hasn't had tea (she had a big dinner, she wont starve).

FYI - she refuses to help. Sometimes she wont even stay in the same room as me.

Her dad / my husband is of no use and just sits on the fence. I dont feel like he ever has my back. Yes, that's a husband problem etc etc.

So, how could I have stopped this? What could I have done differently?

Before anyone suggests it, her cooking her own food isnt an option for a myriad of reasons and would actually cause more problems than it solves. Plus, its not really relevant anyway.

I can't believe the posters on this thread who think a whole household should revolve around the whims, caprices and moods of one stroppy teenager! As for those who accuse the OP of being controlling - Jesus wept. Clearly, OP, you should not do any cooking, laundry or any other household tasks without on the spot approval from Her Majesty - oh, and you should also have sought said approval well in advance, on the understanding that she is entitled to change her mind at any given second. 🙄

I think most people are less irritated by an unknown 15 year old than you are and have simply suggested that the OP cooks whatever she wants and her daughter can make a sandwich or some pasta for herself if she doesn’t want it.

You seem extraordinarily wound up about it. You alright?

Why can't you train her how to do it?

She can do a whole load when you tell her and hang it. Get a drying rack for her room and a tray for under it for her stuff. In Germany, we just hung our clothes on a line in the basement rain or shine. No dryer.

I am a firm believer in just cooking. And if someone wants to eat it then eats it. If not then the kitchen is open and stocked up.
I agree don't have battles over it. She is 15 if she refuses to eat then she knows the consequences, hunger. She may just come down later and eat it.

Does she suffer with bad periods, PMS or PMDD. I had is very bad as a teenager and a right moody cow 5 days before and during my period. Lots of strops and going to my room.

Also as others have said is something troubling her? School / friends / bf issues etc.

Doesn't it smell damp though? No air flow or sunshine.

Listen to what I am saying. I cant even relax the rota for myself. No one wants to live in a damp smelling house with clothes hanging from door frames and having to blow dry shirts because they werent washed in time to dry. My daughter hates it as much as everyone else.

Do you think I like being beholden to the laundry pile? Of all the things I want to control do you really think Id chose dirty underwear?

Can’t believe how many teenagers there are here who criticise the meals prepared for them. My kids are at university now but would never have dreamed of being so rude about food that somebody else has cooked for them. I would have zero tolerance of this.

Yes it results in smelly clothes and will end up making her room damp too. We've had that issue in the past.

She doesnt open her windows. Or her curtains. Im not arguing with her over that.

She is quite capable of doing it. As I keep saying, its just the practicality of it.

As someone else said, if we stick the wet stuff in her room, it will get smelly (she doesnt open her windows) and will cause damp in her room.

OP's a lost cause. She has very rigid routines and can't relax her need for control enough to allow her daughter to actually learn the life lessons that she as the parent is supposed to be teaching her.

If DD "won't" do her washing on a Tuesday, then it doesn't get done. When it builds up, she pays for a cab and takes it to a laundrette herself. If this happens a few times, she will get the message and start doing her washing on a Tuesday. Because she will have faced consequences that inconvenience her, beyond annoying her mother.

But OP hasn't tried anything like this, and won't.

Open her windows when she's out. It's good to let the whole home air out daily. It keeps that musty smell from building up and keeps down mold.

I was initially v sympathetic. Having read several of your posts, I think you also need to consider your rigidity. I grew up not far from the Lakes. Don’t buy the washing rota. Rule up there is if the flags are dry it’ll dry the washing. No one had a tumble drier and managed without a system you’re describing.

You seemingly don’t want advice on anything but remain with a problem. Insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different outcome and all that….

You can choose to do your own laundry, and go on strike and not do either of theirs. You are deliberately choosing to use excuse after excuse. What's the worst that will happen? They will realise they have no clean clothes, and will pull their finger out.

I didnt even bring up the laundry!!! The laundry isnt even particularly an issue! What is the obsession with kicking me over the laundry?!

I doubt that many people on here have their kids do their own laundry anyway. I don't know anyone irl who does.

Besides, if she runs out of clothes because she doesnt do the laundry, we will have strops and screams and school refusal. She couldn't find her pe t-shirt in the mess that is her room a few weeks ago. She would not leave the house until she did. She was over 1hr late for school.

Exactly how do you force a 15 year old to school, or to the laundrette or...? And no, I know her, it wont happen once or twice and she will learn. She will stick her heels in and will happen over and over and over.

But because I wont let her do her own laundry because of the amount of work it will cause me when I already struggle with it (and none of us particularly care whether she does ot or not) and because it kicks off over one meal, I am rigid, restrictive and a crap mother who is letting her child down. OK then, thanks for that.

Have you tried having a bit of a heart to heart with your daughter. Telling her you’ve noticed she’s unhappy and you’re worried about her as she seems very cross and is lashing out at you and her dad. Explaining that while you’ll always love her you don’t want her to think that she can behave this way in the future in friendships or romantic relationships, as people won’t tolerate it. Asking her if there is anything she thinks she needs in terms of managing her mood?

We have but she wont which is why we suggested counselling. So she has somewhere safe to offload if she doesnt feel able to with us. She refused to.

90% of her anger is aimed at me. Even when she isnt angry at me, she says I do things eg she put her watch somewhere she doesnt usually put it last night. This morning, I must have moved it, not her Dad, me.

She is changing schools in September (100% completely her choice although we agree its a good idea but have made it clear we will support her whatever she decides). We are hoping that will help.

She sounded pretty ordinary teen stuff in your first post but in your later posts she does sound quite anxious and rigid about things. If she's keen to change schools that suggests she isn't getting on very well socially? And if she was just seeking adult attention then counselling would be right up her street. I was struck by her limited emotional expression, everything seems to become anger or blame but I bet she's quite stressed and worried underneath and she's protecting herself by not talking about it. Has she always been like this?

At the moment you're a bit stuck in a loop of negativity with her. Rather than her having counselling you and DH could try a parenting group yourselves just to help you break the loop.

Some teenagers are just really shitty. You have to try really hard to ignore all of this stuff. They say kids are most awful to the people they feel the most comfortable with don't they. Not much of a consolation I know. Look up pathological demand avoidance, otherwise, just pick your battles and it will pass.

She isnt happy at school. No bullying or anything like that. Shes doing really well academically and has friends. Its just not the right place for her. Its a "good" school but really big. Shes a good kid and we actively support her and the school so she gets lost as the school "ignore" her and focus on/reward the kids who dont behave to try and bring them up.

The new school is a lot, lot smaller and has a different approach to education. We really do think it will suit her better. A couple of her current teachers encouraged her to apply for it too because they think it would be good for her.

As I say it is 100% her choice to move. She is in year 9 so she isnt moving mid GCSE.

I think there is understandably anxiety about that because its all new and she'll be leaving friends. Her dad isnt helping because he sees the new school as a panacea to everything and when she has issues with her current one (or life in general) he'll say things like "the new school won't do that" but frankly, we dont know that. Open days etc only show thr good stuff. I feel like he's making out this school is perfect and amazing and it wont be because nothing is. Im worried shell be disappointed that it wont be.

She said once that she wished we didnt care about her because then she could get away with doing what she wanted. 🤣

I will look that up. Thank you.

She must feel super comfortable and safe with me then! 🤣😪

Today she went to school with non regulation trousers "because everyone else does". I told her she'd get into trouble (they do a uniform check at the gate!) but she's old enough to make thay decision so off she went. Sure enough, we have had a text to say shes got a detention. So shell be grumpy about that when she gets home.

Let her go without. Don’t ask her what she wants, just cook what you are having and she either eats it or goes without.

I can recommend a few books.

One is Raising Human Beings by Ross Greene. It's a description of a problem solving process which can be used between two people (or parties) e.g. an adult and a teen, to find a mutually acceptable solution which is genuinely acceptable to all and takes all parameters into account. The solutions can look a bit unconventional but I think it's a brilliant tool.

Another is How To Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk. The versions for younger children are just brilliant and the bits I have read of the Teens one are just as good. Always helped communication and cooperation with my children. This one is probably less "out there" than the Ross Greene.

Then two I have heard great things about but not read myself (yet).

Untangled by Lisa Lamour - I only have sons, but I have heard this is brilliant for understanding how the parent/teen daughter relationship changes during puberty and how to handle it in the most harmonious way.

Non-Violent Communication - this is essentially a de-escalation manual so might in fact be exactly the thing you need. It's on my list for me to read for my very reactive 6yo with ADHD. I haven't looked into whether there is a specific parenting one, but the general one might be the best thing given her age. I find a lot of parenting books unless they are specifically aimed at teens tend to focus more on the 3-12 age group.

Oh op bloody teenagers hay!, well just today am guessing by not wearing her uniform trousers she's hoping for a reaction from you, knowing she'd get an reaction from school, god she's pushing all boundaries here isn't she,

Well she will be grumpy when she returns home but she will be expecting you ' i told you so' tut tut' cos we do, but this time don't, play the game, you know she's going to be late so don't mention it, don't look her way just do, dinners in the kitchen, leave it there, honestly she will be waiting for your reaction , I learnt this after years of frustration, high blood pressure, couldn't do right from wrong honestly it's draining, my lesson is lived by, two teenagers, was ' they are the fire and I was the fuel, stop putting the fuel on the fire and the fire soon goes out, and it worked op, I did spend many days mumbling under breath, swearing though gritted teeth, while smiling at them,
So stop the fuel, you just may claw back some sanity op,

I see the trousers a bit differently. She's trying to "do the right thing" socially and fit in. Poor kid, she's desperate for approval and now she's stuck between two different ways of "being good", the school way and the teen way.

But anyway the practical consequences are the same. I agree with pp about not feeding the fire. So as little input from you as possible. No "what did I tell you" and no scolding for the detention and rein in any sympathy you feel. Calm acceptance, this is what the school have decided, she'll have to do it, then it will be over.

I also could have earned an Oscar for some of my efforts at "calm". I used some Ross Greene myself, for us it was his "Explosive Child" book because DC was younger and had more intense problems, but I'd agree that Greene's especially good for smart but anxious stressy rigid kids.

It doesn’t help in the moment I’m sure but I hope you can take some comfort in knowing teenagers are often the worst to the people who they feel most secure with, as they know the love they get is unconditional even if they’re being a challenge. In terms of supporting her in the moment I think it’s about offering her a space to talk, even if she declines it, by saying something like “I can see you’re having a hard day today, do you want a hug or to talk about anything, whether now or later”, even if you know she’ll decline. It’s also about protecting yourself though and having appropriate boundaries. Don’t stand around and take it if she’s being abusive, walk away and say I’ll be happy to talk to you later but I’m not going to stand here for you to speak to me like this, and put appropriate consequences in for bad behaviour etc. I would also try and see each day as a new day and try to create opportunities for fun in and out of the home. It’s hard not to take behaviour personally sometimes but she’s having a hard time, it’s not about you, the fun will help you bond and it will provide her with distraction from whatever is going on that means she needs to process her more difficult feelings by lashing out at you. You might not see any changes in the immediate but in the longer term her well-being will benefit from having a consistent, supportive, warm parent who creates space for her to connect emotionally if she wants to.