Not to have a bedroom for our step son

[Allypallypea]

Ok, going to give a bit of context as it's needed but I'm also going to try and be as neutral as possible. I really don't like husbands ex wife but I don't want that to cloud this question.

So husband has 2 boys, 22 and 18(in July) and I have known them since they were 10 and 15. Husband is a very hands on dad, we had the eldest living with us from the end of school until he left for Australia last year (he couldn't live with mum due to arguing etc) and the youngest always stayed with us Thursday to Sunday every week until he was about 15. We moved in together when the boys were 12 and 16 to a house about 40 mins from their school. This obviously didn't effect the eldest boy and didn't phase the youngest at all as their school bus takes about that long despite mum's house being closer.

At about 15 years old the youngest got a girlfriend, started hanging out with mates more and naturally, his mum's being closer to his school and all his mates he started staying with us less and less. I would say for the last year of us living at that house he would stay with us once or twice a fortnight for one or two nights.

In November we moved to a house which was a proper building project. So naturally the youngest was not interested in staying somewhere with no shower 😂 and no carpet and no heating (in December). We are 6 Months in and the house is nearly done. During this whole time we have repeatedly asked the youngest if he would like a bedroom at our house. He has said no, that he wouldn't use it and is happy on the sofa.We invested in a good sofa bed and when youngest does stay with us he kips on the sofa with the big telly right next to the kitchen... He is obviously perfectly happy with this arrangement.

It is important to say at this point that I can't have my own children. I found out 2 years ago and the boys and their mum know this. Husband and I have decided to become foster parents. The boys and their mum know this too but we have been TOTALLY clear and open with both boys and told them there will ALWAYS be space for them. There is always a futon, a sofa bed and eventually there will be a garden room too.

Boys mum has kicked off saying we have abandoned the child and that she will tell the fostering agency that. She has blocked us both and sent the most horrible stuff about how boy should have a room at our house to call his own.

Should he? Are we being mean? Could he be feeling pushed out and not saying so because he knows I can't have children? Does he need 2 bedrooms at 18?

I have had messages from her saying that she is struggling living with him (messy, lazy, etc) she didn't live with her eldest so she doesn't know that's just what young men are like 😂🫣
We have also had calls from him saying she wants him to pay rent/bills etc (he finished college 2 weeks ago and only works 2 shifts a week)

She lives in a 4 bed house with her new fella and their daughter, we have 2 bedrooms and a tiny box room (more of a landing with 2 doors one leads to the bathroom) ok for a baby but not a toddler.

Maybe she is struggling financially, or doesn't like living with messy, smelly teen etc? And that's why she is lashing out?

It just seems so unfair to make us out to be awful parents but I have always treated the boys as my own and loved and supported them. Am I being selfish now I would like to have my own parenting experience?

All comments appreciated
Thanks in advance ❤️

The first thing I’d be aware of is that fostering isn’t the same as having your own parenting experience. It’s a caring role but one with many boundaries and complexities even with very small children - you don’t have parental rights other than what you need for day to day caring, the local authority and the birth parents share parental rights.

Your fostering agency will want to see private space available for anyone regularly living in the house, I doubt they’d be ok with someone regularly sleeping in a communal space in your family home. How far along are you in the application process?

You are completely unreasonable to consider fostering in such a tiny space. Sorry OP. I don’t necessarily think the teenager needs a room but it’s ridiculous that you are fetching kids from broken and dysfunctional homes in to the house when you have an 18 year old kipping on the sofa.

Agree with the first poster, I think you probably need to discuss the bedroom situation with your fostering team/agency to see if they would find it acceptablebor not.

I’d ignore her. He has repeatedly said that he doesn’t need a room at yours and is happy to kip on the sofa. If that changes he can let you know. It sounds like his mum and stepdad are being a bit shit asking him for rent already but if he wants to tolerate it to be close to his girlfriend that’s up to him.

You’ve made it very clear that they’re both welcome so I can’t imagine what else she thinks you ought to do. Sounds like she’s just being a twat tbh.

That said, it does sound like your current house is a bit small to be considering fostering.

You don’t need to have any contact with the ex. Block all numbers and platforms. She is your husbands issue to deal with, don’t get Involved.

They're not all from broken dysfunctional homes and even if they are doesn't mean they're not good kids. Yes lots will be damaged but they need love and understanding, something that the Op and her husband seem to have in spades.

So what bedroom space do you have? How many children do you expect to foster?

I think the point the PP was making is that all children in foster care need safe, secure, orderly homes and having someone sleeping on the sofa isn’t appropriate for the care of the foster child, not that foster children are bad in any way.

We are at the beginning of the process but we told the social worker who came to the house and she was happy about the arrangement. It's also a long"ISH" process and I think it likely that sleep overs will reduce as he transitions from college in to an apprenticeship.

The social worker may not have ruled it out entirely but I think the fostering approval panel may take a different approach. You run the risk of having to tell your step child he can’t stay when you have a child on placement, only you know how your partner might feel about that.

I know that fostering is different to parenting but I also feel that the adoption system is not for us and we have investigated that quite extensively. We would rather help lots of children, and get the support to help them as best we can. We also feel that children given the opportunity to maintain links with their birth families can be really helpful for their identity and sense of belongings

I will clear that up with them, thankyou for the thought. It would not be ok to tell him he can't stay over when we have children on placement

My understanding is that he's now 18 so legally an adult, but, as us parents know, he will still need somewhere to stay for many years.

Well done you - foster parents are desperately needed.

It's a tough one. I have a close friend who fosters children up to school age. She frequently gets calls from SS asking if she can take a new-born & then will have them until they are able to go back to parents or adopted. Frankly, I couldn't do it as it would break my heart to give up a toddler who'd I'd cared for from a few days old.

Your Social Worker will make a decision about whether you have the space for a foster child. It rather depends on what kind of fostering you're looking at - some foster parents have a child with additional needs on a regular basis to give their parents a break, others only have under 3's for a few nights on an emergency basis whilst waiting for a more long term arrangement or due to a family emergency. Others take children long-term. Your Social Worker will look at all these options & discuss with you what is the best 'fit' for your family.

Good luck & well done you. 😘

To be clear, we have 2 double bedrooms one for us and one for perspective children and a box room/nursery. I dont think our house is "tiny". Currently our boy works one or 2 shifts a week at the hotel where I work eg Saturday night comes home at 11 and starts on Sunday at 8am so literally just sleeps. But I know he wants to get full time work or an apprenticeship so that will change very soon

You (as in you and your husband) need to provide for the children you are already responsible for before you start trying to do it for other people’s.

Most people don’t stop needing the security of their parental home the moment they turn 18.

We have a double bedroom and a Box room suitable for a baby up to 18months? and we are looking at "short term" (up to 2 years) children under school age and up to 10yo for respite care

No they aren’t but the majority are. The children need space and freedom to be alone if they need to be. Where did I say that they aren’t good kids? Some will have been through unquestionable trauma. The last thing they need is to be sent to an overcrowded house.

But he has a secure loving home that he prefers to be in and that has been the case for 2 years. Do we really need to continue to provide this space if he is not using it and says he doesn't want it?

Do they? Even though they’ve managed to exclude the DHs boys by buying a house that’s too small to accommodate them? To me, that shows a distinct lack of awareness of family dynamics.
By virtue of the fact that a child has been placed in foster care means that their home IS broken - otherwise they’d still be living there. It’s disingenuous to think these are children who are just popping by for a sleepover.

Perhaps he has seen that you’ve renovated this house and not thought about him having his own space? Perhaps he’s just pretending that he’s not bothered that his father and stepmum don’t want him there anymore.

He is only sleeping on the sofa out of choice. He could have a bedroom but he wants to have the telly 🫣😂

Would the box room fit a single bed or sofa bed for the step son?

Yes it has a futon in it. But also there is a door to the bathroom in it so not very private 🫣 although we could use the downstairs loo when he is here

I would make the biggest bedroom yours, second biggest for a foster child and set up a single bed for 18 year old in the box room.

Foster children come from all different backgrounds and without going into horrible details on here, it's really not ideal to have a grown man occasionally over sleeping on the sofa. No matter how innocent it would be and how lovely your partner's son is, it could be scary for some children.

If 18 year old does not feel he wants a bedroom at your house that is fine from the point of view of not making that child upset, but I would be surprised if you were considered for fostering younger children, with an adult sleeping in one of the communal spaces. If it were just your own children, fair enough some families have to use communal areas as full time bedrooms for a child, so having an occasional visiting child using a communal room as a bedroom would be fine, but I suspect your house will be considered too small/crowded for you to be allowed to foster.