Not to have a bedroom for our step son

[Allypallypea]

Ok, going to give a bit of context as it's needed but I'm also going to try and be as neutral as possible. I really don't like husbands ex wife but I don't want that to cloud this question.

So husband has 2 boys, 22 and 18(in July) and I have known them since they were 10 and 15. Husband is a very hands on dad, we had the eldest living with us from the end of school until he left for Australia last year (he couldn't live with mum due to arguing etc) and the youngest always stayed with us Thursday to Sunday every week until he was about 15. We moved in together when the boys were 12 and 16 to a house about 40 mins from their school. This obviously didn't effect the eldest boy and didn't phase the youngest at all as their school bus takes about that long despite mum's house being closer.

At about 15 years old the youngest got a girlfriend, started hanging out with mates more and naturally, his mum's being closer to his school and all his mates he started staying with us less and less. I would say for the last year of us living at that house he would stay with us once or twice a fortnight for one or two nights.

In November we moved to a house which was a proper building project. So naturally the youngest was not interested in staying somewhere with no shower 😂 and no carpet and no heating (in December). We are 6 Months in and the house is nearly done. During this whole time we have repeatedly asked the youngest if he would like a bedroom at our house. He has said no, that he wouldn't use it and is happy on the sofa.We invested in a good sofa bed and when youngest does stay with us he kips on the sofa with the big telly right next to the kitchen... He is obviously perfectly happy with this arrangement.

It is important to say at this point that I can't have my own children. I found out 2 years ago and the boys and their mum know this. Husband and I have decided to become foster parents. The boys and their mum know this too but we have been TOTALLY clear and open with both boys and told them there will ALWAYS be space for them. There is always a futon, a sofa bed and eventually there will be a garden room too.

Boys mum has kicked off saying we have abandoned the child and that she will tell the fostering agency that. She has blocked us both and sent the most horrible stuff about how boy should have a room at our house to call his own.

Should he? Are we being mean? Could he be feeling pushed out and not saying so because he knows I can't have children? Does he need 2 bedrooms at 18?

I have had messages from her saying that she is struggling living with him (messy, lazy, etc) she didn't live with her eldest so she doesn't know that's just what young men are like 😂🫣
We have also had calls from him saying she wants him to pay rent/bills etc (he finished college 2 weeks ago and only works 2 shifts a week)

She lives in a 4 bed house with her new fella and their daughter, we have 2 bedrooms and a tiny box room (more of a landing with 2 doors one leads to the bathroom) ok for a baby but not a toddler.

Maybe she is struggling financially, or doesn't like living with messy, smelly teen etc? And that's why she is lashing out?

It just seems so unfair to make us out to be awful parents but I have always treated the boys as my own and loved and supported them. Am I being selfish now I would like to have my own parenting experience?

All comments appreciated
Thanks in advance ❤️

He's consistently said that he doesn't want a dedicated bedroom.

My experience of 18 year olds (we have 3 DS all grown up now, youngest 29) is that the idea of a sofa bed in the living room with nice big TV & able to watch whatever they want is a good deal for them.

When DSs were younger & staying with DH & me we offered them a comfortable spare room/s, but they preferred the sofa bed. It's closer to the kitchen where they have access to snacks, big TV for their games etc also probably access to on line porn on big TV with as could link their lap-tops up to it - but I'm not going there!😱

Funnily enough now all have partners/spouses & 2 out of the 3 have GC, they much prefer the spare rooms. 😂

This thread is weird. OP isn't living in a bedsit ffs! It sounds like a perfectly normal house.

I would totally agree if we had just said "you can have the sofa" but we didn't we asked, gently. And we stared with "what bed would you like" "would you like a telly? Games station? Desk?" Do you think you will stay here? Use it? Etc. he said he wouldn't use it, didn't think he would like to live where we live as it's too far (40 mins from mums/pals)
He said he doesn't want it and is happy sleep overs rather than living with us full time. We have also said its likely to be a year until we start fostering and he can change his mind any time.

Why would you ask if he needed a room? If you’re able to facilitate this, of course you’d do him a room. I can’t imagine any foster agency would be content with this set up either. Everyone staying in the home needs a room. Just because children turn 18 doesn’t mean they don’t need a room to sleep in when they visit.

We were looking at fostering some years ago but realised it wasn’t right for us for a variety of reasons. One thing that was emphasised by our fostering agency was that we needed to factor in for our DD to be able to have her own room at ours until she had her own home when considering age of children due to the size of rooms in our house. I would imagine that you will need to make sure your DSS has space in the house too.

You say there’s a door to the bathroom in the ‘box room’ - could that be moved so that the room is private & the bathroom accessed differently?

I’m also wondering if the poor lad felt you wanted him to say ‘no‘ to his own room (rightly or wrongly) and now you’ve accepted that can’t change his mind?

One other thing you really need to consider is where they might sleep in later years if they bring partners over to meet you or present you with DGC. So maybe having another bedroom would be better.

Good luck with the fostering, they are badly needed.

You have offered, he's made a decision. Sounds like a sensible well-balanced young man.

Obviously SS will probably want to do a DBS check on him as he's a regular person who stays in your household.

How does he feel about your proposed fostering?

Again, well done you - foster parents are so badly needed.

Talking to DH about this post he's brought up the idea for us. I've said probably we too old for children, but there are schemes where people can 'foster' adults with learning disabilities etc to give their carers a break. We have 2 spare rooms, although I work 3 mornings a week, DH is retired. We're talking about doing that.

Until your child, in this case your husband’s child, signs a lease (not student housing) or buys a home, they need to have a real bed in your home. A spot on the sofa does not count. Despite anything they might say, that is the cutoff for when your husband is done providing a home for his child.

We will be building a kitchen extension and the box room will become the landing for a 3rd proper bedroom above the new kitchen. So that's the future plan and an annexe for the boys/guests. I come from a large family of six kids with a 20 year age gap between oldest and youngest and both my parents have a similar set up with sofa beds ets. I didn't have "my room" at my parents since I was 18 but there has always been "a room" sofa bed or space to go to when needed.

@Allypallypea that sounds lovely.

Good luck with the fostering, we have friends that carried on and I know they get a lot from it.

I think for a son who is already feeling rejected by his own mother, having only a sofa bed not in a private room at Dad's house is not ideal at all. Ideally we all have a safe space with a door we can close.

I realise that he has not stayed often and does not acknowledge this need himself. The upshot is he's going to rush out and find people to live with rather
than have the option of stepping into adulthood (and maybe stepping back if things go wrong).

OP, I also cannot have children of my own but have grown up stepchildren. I too was considering fostering a few years back but the lack of space put me off (we have 3 bedrooms but the 3rd is small and used as a home office. Plus my stepdaughter occasionally stays so she gets the other double. I know the intention is great but the practicalities might not work. You’re not being unreasonable exactly as he’s refused a room time after time and the ex sounds a bit of a nightmare. Can empathise!

I think that would be an amazing thing for you to do. Never to old, my husband is 51! (I'm a bit younger) But I heard of a woman in her 70s fostering babies until they could be found suitable homes. And a man fostering unaccompanied minors that were asylum seekers. So purposeful and rewarding as a job ❤️

I can't believe how many people are being so judgemental about what the OP and her DH have offered his son. It's clear that the DSS was offered a bedroom, but decided it wasn't worth them making a room to his particular requirements, as it was unlikely he would visit much. The room they offered him, is STILL THERE! He could use it at any time if he wanted to, but he doesn't!

The OP, has said that it will likely be a year until they're in a position to foster, by which time the DSS will be 19, and likely to be working full time, so by that time, from experience, I would say it's unlikely that he'll want to be spending night's at his Dad's. Also, it's possible (although the OP, hasn't said so), that they might have had the planned extension done by then, in which case, there would be no problem anyway.

The thing with children in care is that they often come from homes that are chaotic, often one of the risks related to to unrelated adults accessing their home, sleeping on sofas, or wherever. It’s incredibly common particularly where drug use has been an issue and most kids in care have been exposed to drug culture and all that goes with it. You need to be careful not to inadvertently recreate a similar environment for any children you foster.

What was your plan if step son had said he did want a room at yours? I think it’s one of those situations where you need to set the tone and make decisions for the household, including any future foster children, rather than him being able to decide. Future foster children will have needs that far exceed those of birth children and step children and those needs must be your absolute priority. It’s good you’re thinking about it early in the assessment process, good foster carers are thin on the ground so you’ll be a valued resource.

Hmm, I think you need to rethink the fostering idea. I have no faith that the social workers will see what the issue is. I have bias as I was placed with abusive foster parents whose reason for fostering was Not Good.

I think you need to research more to understand the role of FP tbh.

As for your step son, if he's happy don't question yourself. Just check with him before any changes.

That's a bit harsh? Has everyone got the funds to buy a three doubled bed house? So different from my childhood experience. Just because the third bedroom was a box room does that make me a bad parent? Or my working class parents?

Not surprising really there are a shortage of foster carers if you need a four bed and no adult children visiting.

It must be a small pool of minted childless foster carers?

DH is 70 I'm 63(ish). We have 7 GC (youngest is 5) who stay with us regularly (not all at once thank God!) & we are wiped out after a 5 day visit. We don't think that we could do the being woken up in the early hours & the full-on that children are for any longer than a week. But we think that we could manage an adult with additional needs for, say, 1 weekend in 4 & the odd week/fortnight.

We currently work with the local RSPCA & foster dogs who aren't coping in kennels. It's hard enough to let them go. I don't think that I could pass a child on.

Not surprising really there are a shortage of foster carers if you need a four bed and no adult children visiting.

You need a private space for the child and for people staying regularly overnight, it’s not an unreasonable ask.

But surely that means four beds then unless your fostering a singleton? Or not having your adult child stay overnight for possibly the years you have the child for? But at least no one with a two bed house ever either?

Personally I think you need to provide DS a proper room until he has a place of his own. I also don’t think foster panels are likely to accept this arrangement because if anything happened to DS’s mum or he fell out with her and had to move in the set up would be inappropriate for a foster child.

I’m not making any judgment about the size of your place, it’s a perfectly normal size, but inappropriate for foster kids until DS has left home.

If you have no resident children and no adult children who stay regularly you can foster in a two bed house. If you foster a sibling pair they may be able to share a room age and sex depending. No four bedroom house required.

Exactly.

I think perhaps I will talk to the fostering agency about only taking a baby, we were thinking siblings in the bigger room but we could have a baby in the box room and the bigger room can stay empty/ready for if the youngest changes his mind. I'm a bit surprised at the reactions here as I thought we had been quite careful but obviously there is a part of me that wasn't sure otherwise I wouldn't have asked.

I/we really don't want the youngest to feel pushed out. He is only 18 after all and has always been quite young for his age.

Stop caring what the ex wife thinks. "Let her".

Agree with PP re teen on sofa in living room not being appropriate environment for foster child(ren).

Is a garden room realistic maybe for your SS?