Not to have a bedroom for our step son

[Allypallypea]

Ok, going to give a bit of context as it's needed but I'm also going to try and be as neutral as possible. I really don't like husbands ex wife but I don't want that to cloud this question.

So husband has 2 boys, 22 and 18(in July) and I have known them since they were 10 and 15. Husband is a very hands on dad, we had the eldest living with us from the end of school until he left for Australia last year (he couldn't live with mum due to arguing etc) and the youngest always stayed with us Thursday to Sunday every week until he was about 15. We moved in together when the boys were 12 and 16 to a house about 40 mins from their school. This obviously didn't effect the eldest boy and didn't phase the youngest at all as their school bus takes about that long despite mum's house being closer.

At about 15 years old the youngest got a girlfriend, started hanging out with mates more and naturally, his mum's being closer to his school and all his mates he started staying with us less and less. I would say for the last year of us living at that house he would stay with us once or twice a fortnight for one or two nights.

In November we moved to a house which was a proper building project. So naturally the youngest was not interested in staying somewhere with no shower 😂 and no carpet and no heating (in December). We are 6 Months in and the house is nearly done. During this whole time we have repeatedly asked the youngest if he would like a bedroom at our house. He has said no, that he wouldn't use it and is happy on the sofa.We invested in a good sofa bed and when youngest does stay with us he kips on the sofa with the big telly right next to the kitchen... He is obviously perfectly happy with this arrangement.

It is important to say at this point that I can't have my own children. I found out 2 years ago and the boys and their mum know this. Husband and I have decided to become foster parents. The boys and their mum know this too but we have been TOTALLY clear and open with both boys and told them there will ALWAYS be space for them. There is always a futon, a sofa bed and eventually there will be a garden room too.

Boys mum has kicked off saying we have abandoned the child and that she will tell the fostering agency that. She has blocked us both and sent the most horrible stuff about how boy should have a room at our house to call his own.

Should he? Are we being mean? Could he be feeling pushed out and not saying so because he knows I can't have children? Does he need 2 bedrooms at 18?

I have had messages from her saying that she is struggling living with him (messy, lazy, etc) she didn't live with her eldest so she doesn't know that's just what young men are like 😂🫣
We have also had calls from him saying she wants him to pay rent/bills etc (he finished college 2 weeks ago and only works 2 shifts a week)

She lives in a 4 bed house with her new fella and their daughter, we have 2 bedrooms and a tiny box room (more of a landing with 2 doors one leads to the bathroom) ok for a baby but not a toddler.

Maybe she is struggling financially, or doesn't like living with messy, smelly teen etc? And that's why she is lashing out?

It just seems so unfair to make us out to be awful parents but I have always treated the boys as my own and loved and supported them. Am I being selfish now I would like to have my own parenting experience?

All comments appreciated
Thanks in advance ❤️

Yes that's the plan but probably not until end of next year. Planning approved but funds not in place yet.

It's not so much I care what she thinks and I'm worried she might be right 🫣😂

Oh my sooooo funny! Yes I think he loves the sofa and the big telly! I will try not to think about the rest 😂😂🙄

I admire foster carers as it’s a really tough job. I’m not sure your set up at the minute is appropriate though. Foster kids have had disrupted lives. They need stability. They don’t need a near adult male deciding last minute they want to sleep on the sofa in the house they’re living. Your dss needs a room and there will need to be some consistency to that.

Can I just say we have bought a house big enough for them and plan to extend it for the long term but he has chosen to sleep in the living room as he prefers it and doesn't want a bedroom because he won't use it. I think it's quite mean to insinuate we are bad people for moving house and questioning the set up when are children are 18 and 22 and hardly ever stay with us

But it’s not true the 18 year old hardly ever stays with you - according to your pps he stays with you regularly: “once or twice a fortnight for one or two nights”.

And if he falls out with his mum too DH needs somewhere to house him.

It doesn’t seem like it would be realistic to have the building works you mention done with foster children in the house. Lots of strange men around, sudden noises, uncertainty and changes to routine would be unsettling for many children, without any trauma history. Will works be completed before you start fostering?

He used to stay to be with us. Now he only stays to work shifts at the hotel (1 night a week tops) if it was our eldest son we never would have considered it. His relationship with his mother was so volatile but they don't fight and argue in the same way so I feel that it's extremely unlikely they would argue so much he left as that's never happened before where as it happened lots with the eldest.

And that will stop when he gets a job or an apprenticeship then I imagine we will see him even less. More likely to meet up for dinner and things than sleepovers

No they wouldn't be but the SW said it's very common for people to extend there homes whilst fostering to accommodate more/bigger children

Sounds as though the tension is rising between him and his mum now, though

Isn't it normal to find it hard living with your adult children? I don't see why this woman is allowed to "abandon" both her birth children to the care of their father as soon as they become too difficult to live with whilst his dad and I keep and empty room incase she blows her top and kicks them out. Mean while said empty room room could be a secure home for a child in need and teach valuable lessons to our young adults about care and community, about love and all it's many forms, about family and privilege and connection and all the wonderful difficult challenging things you can learn through fostering.

I don't think anyone's debating the merits or otherwise of your husband ex-wife's choices. You said there were no issues with their relationship but your earlier posts upthread suggest it's deteriorating.

You keep making this about the ex. Stop making it about the ex.

This

As well intentioned as you may be I think the priorities are wrong. Existing children must come first.

Hi @Allypallypea
Im not going to get into the morality debate about whether or not he should have a room of his own but add something on the fostering side.

I'm both an adoptive parent and now foster carer. I have one adult son and unlike some people have suggested Im neither minted nor live in a mansion.
I live in a bog standard three bed terrace. Although my son is away at uni most of the time, his room is still his room so I only have one available for fostering.
To be honest I can't quite see how fostering would work, for me anyway, with my living room being out of use because someone is sleeping in there. How noisy is he likely to be with the TV and gaming. He may be 21 but I still have to have words with my son when he gets carried away by a game.

Anyone staying overnight in your home will need a DBS, regardless of how infrequent it is.
Any foster carer will tell you that if there is any conflict of Interests between a foster child and a birth child, SWs will expect you to prioritise the foster child.
Did SWs tell you that babies toddlers often have very frequent contact with birth family which can be very time consuming and emotionally challenging

Im wondering about the practicality of having another major building project and caring for a young child, plus meetings with SWs etc, and contact time.
I had my bathroom done before Christmas. The SW turning up when the dining room was stuffed full of materials and an upturned bath, and no actual bathroom, was not my idea of a fun evening, even though they were understanding. It was way more stressful than if I was just on my own getting it done.
You've obviously done your research about fostering. In all my years as an adopter and now FC, I've rarely come across a situation which couldn't be made to work with a bit of thought and planning.
A last thought, your SW will be interested in getting another foster carer on board, children's SWs will look at things slightly differently. You need to keep both happy

Good luck

Personally, I think regardless of whether DSS is happy to sleep in the sofa or not, he should be given the second bedroom. It’s a place in your house that’s his, he can store his stuff there etc. I know he’s said he’s fine with the sofa but it’s not ok really and I think you know that else you wouldn’t have started the thread.
The fostering needs to wait until after the extension.

Mom just wants him over at yours by the sound of it!

I do think this is why she has gone off on one tbh, she acts as if it's very inconvenient for her to have him there 🙄 we would be totally glad to have him, he is ace but alas his pals and his girlfriend are more important to him right now. Go figure 🥴

Kindly OP it’s difficult to see how you would be likely to teach foster kids these things if you’re not willing to teach your own stepsons - the “valuable lessons about care, community, family, privilege, connection “ etc you talk about. Which should be that they have room in their dad’s house as long as they need it until they are established. Charity begins at home.

Both the boys are actually “allowed” to choose to live with their dad regardless of what their mother is up to. If you want to teach “young adults” lessons why not start with them.

It’s not an empty room it’s full once or twice a fortnight which is a normal amount of contact for a non resident parent.

From what you have said in your OP there seems to be the very real possibility that DSS will be living with you at some point due to conflict with his mum.

Can you change the access to the bathroom so you do not have to go through the box room and give him either that room or the other room. I agree that the fostering board may not be comfortable with him on the sofa in the lounge. You are clearly very committed to fostering and I think you should arrange the living conditions to give yourselves the best chance of being accepted. If he wants the bigger room then perhaps you might have to foster babies only until DSS is older and earning enough to have his own home.

Thankyou that's really helpful. He doesn't really game or stay up late making noise as he just stays for work so arrives home at 11pm leaves again at 8am and might come home at 4 pm for tea before heading back to his mum's. When he gets a full time job or apprenticeship I suspect he is more likely to socialise with us at meals, holidays, special events and stay over infrequently. A DBS is no big deal. So it's literally just a place to sleep and then he is off again.

The extension is a kitchen/3rd bedroom so although it will be a big project then worst of it is over (bathrooms, kitchens etc) so it will not really effect the living space until we knock through.
I am aware that contact can be arduous but we are self employed and I intend to take time out of the business to focus on the foster care responsibilities.

The fostering agency won’t care what she says? I mean they are many fostering places how does she know which one you are with? Stupid. The boy is 18 next month and classed as an adult. So you don’t have to legally provide a place for him. No issue the mother is being an idiot.

He wants the sofa 😂😂

He’s just being nice OP. No-one really wants to sleep on a sofa.

@Allypallypea my parent literally walked out on 4 of us and was still allowed to foster and adopt 10 years later so you've got no issues.
You will need to have both children dbs checked as part of the process though, anyone over the age of 16 in the home has to be.

Sounds like you’re doing a great job of whittling step son out of your life.
You have two empty bedrooms but won’t set him up in one with a tv of his own?
He gets to sofa surf so you can foster?
Shame on his father for going along with this exclusionary behaviour.