Not to have a bedroom for our step son

[Allypallypea]

Ok, going to give a bit of context as it's needed but I'm also going to try and be as neutral as possible. I really don't like husbands ex wife but I don't want that to cloud this question.

So husband has 2 boys, 22 and 18(in July) and I have known them since they were 10 and 15. Husband is a very hands on dad, we had the eldest living with us from the end of school until he left for Australia last year (he couldn't live with mum due to arguing etc) and the youngest always stayed with us Thursday to Sunday every week until he was about 15. We moved in together when the boys were 12 and 16 to a house about 40 mins from their school. This obviously didn't effect the eldest boy and didn't phase the youngest at all as their school bus takes about that long despite mum's house being closer.

At about 15 years old the youngest got a girlfriend, started hanging out with mates more and naturally, his mum's being closer to his school and all his mates he started staying with us less and less. I would say for the last year of us living at that house he would stay with us once or twice a fortnight for one or two nights.

In November we moved to a house which was a proper building project. So naturally the youngest was not interested in staying somewhere with no shower 😂 and no carpet and no heating (in December). We are 6 Months in and the house is nearly done. During this whole time we have repeatedly asked the youngest if he would like a bedroom at our house. He has said no, that he wouldn't use it and is happy on the sofa.We invested in a good sofa bed and when youngest does stay with us he kips on the sofa with the big telly right next to the kitchen... He is obviously perfectly happy with this arrangement.

It is important to say at this point that I can't have my own children. I found out 2 years ago and the boys and their mum know this. Husband and I have decided to become foster parents. The boys and their mum know this too but we have been TOTALLY clear and open with both boys and told them there will ALWAYS be space for them. There is always a futon, a sofa bed and eventually there will be a garden room too.

Boys mum has kicked off saying we have abandoned the child and that she will tell the fostering agency that. She has blocked us both and sent the most horrible stuff about how boy should have a room at our house to call his own.

Should he? Are we being mean? Could he be feeling pushed out and not saying so because he knows I can't have children? Does he need 2 bedrooms at 18?

I have had messages from her saying that she is struggling living with him (messy, lazy, etc) she didn't live with her eldest so she doesn't know that's just what young men are like 😂🫣
We have also had calls from him saying she wants him to pay rent/bills etc (he finished college 2 weeks ago and only works 2 shifts a week)

She lives in a 4 bed house with her new fella and their daughter, we have 2 bedrooms and a tiny box room (more of a landing with 2 doors one leads to the bathroom) ok for a baby but not a toddler.

Maybe she is struggling financially, or doesn't like living with messy, smelly teen etc? And that's why she is lashing out?

It just seems so unfair to make us out to be awful parents but I have always treated the boys as my own and loved and supported them. Am I being selfish now I would like to have my own parenting experience?

All comments appreciated
Thanks in advance ❤️

Respite care for an up to 10 year old and caring for a small baby/ toddler sounds like a recipie for disaster in such a close space. Do one or the other and make the small room a bedroom for your stepson.

He may want the sofa but is that realistic if you have foster children in the house? I really doubt that it is.

I would tell him you'll be allocating him a room and put a tv in there to sweeten the deal.

You don't do both at the same time, respite is short term and placements are longer. When you don't have a placement you can do respite care

I would be really interested to know what people would suggest we do if we had birth children? We started trying 6 years ago, let's say we had been successful and ended up with a child who was coming up on 5 or 6 years old. Would people suggest we keep the toddler in the box room and keep on unused room ready for adult child to visit. How long should we keep that room? I would be interested to hear from people who have children with large age gaps. I am 21 years older than my youngest siblings and I never had a room since I was 18 and went to uni. My other 3 siblings were the same. My mum lived in a 4 bed house so when the youngest came a long they got a room each and one for the other brother. When he moved out that room became a spare room for us all to use (plus sofa beds in lounge and dining room.)

I think the difference is that you have to be so much more careful with foster children than your own. You could have your own child and choose to bring it up in a yurt but of course this wouldn’t be fine for a foster child who has possibly already been through a high degree of trauma and also needs stability and a safe space. Plus if my 18 yr old had expressed an idea to sleep on the sofa he would have been laughed out of the room- no way would that be happening!

If I am honest it does sound like fostering at the moment might not be the best idea. It’s not great for a foster child to be in a landing room, or (if the foster child is in the proper bedroom) to have to walk through someone else’s room to have a shower or come down in the mornings to someone on the sofa. I think I would remove the element of choice for the 18 yr old and set up the spare room as “his” with a TV. Then concentrate on the house and stabilising the situation with your SS before you get too far into the fostering process.

There are many threads from people in that position. Mostly they are told to

• move somewhere bigger

-get same-sex children to share largest room and smaller bedroom for parents

• partition rooms

-move into one of the reception rooms themselves and give the bedrooms to the kids

And yes foster children a different propostion

OP, I'm sorry that you are not able to have a biological child of your own. It's clear from your posts that you are really motivated to be a foster parent and that's wonderful. However, I am concerned that you're not being realistic about the practicalities in the living space that you have. You have a 2 bedroom house at the moment. The box room is effectively a corridor as you have to go through it to access the bathroom. So it's not a room where your stepson can have any privacy. You say it's suitable for a baby up to 18 months but in my opinion it's not suitable at all. Some babies are poor sleepers and you may need to leave them undisturbed in a quiet, dark room to help them sleep as well as possible. If you can't go through the room because a baby is sleeping in there and you don't want to wake the baby, you won't be able to use the bathroom! You said you have a downstairs toilet but that's not the point, you still need to be able to use the shower, brush teeth etc in your main bathroom. Any parent who has stayed in a hotel with a baby can tell you that it's not great having to creep around the room to avoid waking them. It would be a big ask for your stepson too if he does end up living with you or staying over more often. And as everyone else has said, you can't have your stepson sleeping on a sofa in the communal living space when you have a foster child.

When exactly do you plan to complete the new kitchen and third bedroom? You should crack on with that. Once the work is complete you'll have 3 proper bedrooms, so one can be for DSS (and his older brother if and when he comes back to visit) and the other one for foster children.

You seem to be impatient to push on with the fostering before you've sorted the house, and I can understand not wanting to wait any longer if you spent years TTC, but you really need to sort the house first. You need to be as calm and settled as possible before having foster children in your home because they will need a lot of mental and emotional energy.

Will children's services put you in touch with other foster parents and do you get the opportunity of formal or informal support from more experienced foster parents? I think they would probably have some helpful advice for you based on their experiences.

Fostering isn't a way for you to learn things! The children aren't guinea pigs or there to teach you stuff.

I think every experience in life teaches us things

I give up. You've no idea.

You’ll be rejected as foster parents if your house doesn’t have enough space for the people living in it.

The fact an adult will be sleeping in a communal area will be scrutinised and TBH, it sounds like his relationship with his mother is not stable and he could end up needing permanent accomodation.

Perhaps put on hold until you actually have adequate space.

What is the plan for the older son coming back from Australia? (Assuming he hasn't emigrated but is out there for a year or two).

Given the younger son's mum is already talking about rent, I wouldn't be surprised if he ends up changing his mind about the best place to live for the time being - with you might be the better option for a couple of years. It might all become clearer in a couple of months with exam results/ him getting an apprenticeship but I don't think you can be sure at this stage.

I don't think he will have been making up his happiness with a sofa bed + telly but it's premised on him staying there occasionally, not on falling out with his mother and/or needing more hours of work at the hotel for a chunk of time till he finds an apprenticeship.

People staying in communal spaces is annoying other than in the very short term / for specific events regardless of the impact on fostering.

I think creating a third useable bedroom needs to be a priority - you can designate it a second guest bedroom rather than one specifically reserved for him but that gives you more options for accommodating either young man, other guests or foster children.

Thanks Everyone, most of you have been very helpful 😁 we had a long chat about it last night and decided if youngest wants to come and live with us we would turn the lounge in to a bedroom and move the lounge area in to the dining room. We have a small table in the kitchen so we don't really eat in the dining room very often. My husband lived at his father's place in his 20s and stayed in the lounge he said he loved it 😂 That way he wouldn't disturb us coming in late etc as he can come through the back door and have his late night snacks, use the bathroom etc
Someone asked about our eldest, he has indeed emigrated, both boys are half Australian and have dual citizenship. If and when he decided to come home we should have the garden room sorted at the least, maybe even the extension as well.
It's hard to get nuance across on these things but overall for our family I think we are making the right decision, I know many of you don't agree but it has been 2 years since SS wanted to live with us, he is growing up fast in to a kind and loving soul and he loves the idea of fostering. He recognises that he doesn't need 2 perfect bedrooms if one of them will sit empty most of the time but he knows that we love and adore him and will always have space for him if he needs it.
There are more ways to make someone feel welcome than a room with a telly in it. How you make them feel is just as important. We know our son and we know what he can and can't cope with, and he is 18, we can have adult conversations with him too.
I think some of you have been a bit harsh, especially the woman who insisted we shouldn't be allowed to learn anything by fostering, that was weird. I would urge you all to remember everyone's home is different and everyone's children are different. To pose questions rather than inflict judgements to help your fellow women (and men) navigate tricky situations in life. We all come up against them and I was just looking for a sounding board to help me navigate a big change in our lives.

The social worker working with us did not even bat and eyelid when we discussed our grown up children visiting, helping, sleeping over etc but I will bring it up again at our next meeting, I will discuss the living room bedroom idea with her too as backup for emergencies but I cant see why this would be an issue. As someone pointed out, we don't all live in massive 4 bed houses but I do have a detached 2.5 bed house with a huge garden in a stunning location which will bring joy and nature in to the lives of children who so desperately deserve to have it. And if that means we have to brush our teeth downstairs whilst the baby sleeps or put the TV and the sofa in the dining room for a few years then I hardly see that as a big sacrifice.
We can do something wonderful and purposeful and we can do it as a family with the support and blessing of our adult children, and we can do it without pushing them out or making them feel unwanted. Many MANY fosterers have adult children, and adult foster children who drop by, need help, sleep over etc and they make it work by being flexible, professional and open hearted.

I think our children will benefit greatly from this experience, I think our world will be opened up as will our hearts. I think when we support our children through tough times, through sadness and and difficult things we strengthen their resilience and send them out in to the world prepared. I listened to a podcast recently of a family of foster carers who's adult children were all in their 20s with one daughter still living at home (18yo) and she spoke so wonderfully about what it has meant to her growing up with these children, her parents said how some of the kids couldn't open up to adults but idolised this girl and would open up to her and feel safe with her.

Our home will get bigger, but until then we do have space in our home and our lives for a child and I think we would be crazy to wait another 5 years just to see what our son decides to do, he thinks that would be crazy too and if he didn't, we wouldn't do it. We are being child led and child focused. He is a very lucky boy, he has grown up with great love and privilege and he knows that. He knows he is loved, he knows we would NEVER abandon him and that even if a child moved in with us in 9months time and he suddenly decided he had changed his mind we wouldn't bat an eyelid, we would just make it happen.

I don't know why you posted, tbh. You have stubbornly refused to take on board any of the points made! You are absolutely determined to do this. You are even planning to take foster children before you've done the extension. I hope you get some good and realistic advice from the social workers and experienced foster parents.

Good luck.

For the record op, I think fostering is a lovely thing to do and you absolutely don't need a perfect massive house. I just think everyone in a house with foster children should sleep in a private space ideally. Good luck with it all.

I think we can trust to the foster agencies that they will see the problems even if OP can’t.

You guys are all so mean and judgemental 😂😂 I bet none of you have any real experience of this and as I have said, our social work said it's more than normal that foster carers have adult children. You may see me as stuck in my ways but I actually think it's you who can't put yourselves in someone else's shoes. If you look at the vote, actually more people think IANBU than IABU. But the same people over and over again coming up with weird reasons like having to brush our teeth downstairs as a reason not to foster. many MANY families convert either a dining room or a lounge into a bedroom for themselves or their kids, that is the most normal thing in the world 😂 so if he falls out with his mum, that's what we will do! Simple! Nay sayers be damned, I think you just think you know best rather than actually trying to help people

I assume you mean me. I never said you shouldn't be allowed to learn anything from fostering. Read it back.

Believe me, I know what I'm talking about and how you're speaking about fostering does not shout doing it for the right reasons.

It didn’t sound all that secure and loving in your OP!

Really, I can't see anything there that suggests she doesn't provide a good home. I don't like her, and the eldest boy and her clashed but that's all I said

Such a "loving and secure" home that she drove her eldest away
If a parent and child "don't get on", it's usually because of the parent, not the child.
The youngest will have learned very quickly not to challenge his mother in order to avoid conflict. I expect he's seen the arguments his older brother had and kept his head down.

In your own words:

I have had messages from her saying that she is struggling living with him (messy, lazy, etc) she didn't live with her eldest so she doesn't know that's just what young men are like 😂🫣
We have also had calls from him saying she wants him to pay rent/bills etc (he finished college 2 weeks ago and only works 2 shifts a week)

she acts as if it's very inconvenient for her to have him there

So it's clear he's not 100% welcome in his mother's house.

I don't think she is a perfect mother no. Teenagers are VERY challenging to live with and that's not necessarily the parents fault, it just is challenging when suddenly your faced with an adult one minute and a child the next. The youngest is actually a very laid back guy, hugely empathetic and genuinely a softer character. The eldest is a feisty, determined rebel with a fire in his belly. They just clashed. I clashed with my mum and couldn't live with her, but my other 5 siblings were fine. I think you don't actually know what your talking about on that front. Children have personalities and sometimes its more suitable for a child (our eldest) to be in a more laid back environment. In our youngests case there is not much conflict with his mother and when there is he is more empathetic and less angry, such is his character. You need to remember he has CHOSEN to be there and the other CHOSE to be with us, and that's up to them. His mother is demanding yes, selfish yes I think so, but she is and always will be, his mother. And it is our role as step parents to support love in wholesome relationships with both the parents. That is what I healthiest for the child. No relation ship with me or his dad is every going to suffice as a replacement for a good and loving relationship with his mother. Our eldest is working towards that now and we are supporting and encouraging him as best we can. I had a difficult relationship with my own mother but I have learned how to enjoy my relationship with her, set boundaries and deal with the past in a healthy way. She is and always will be my only mum! Same for our boys.

I do agree that asking him to pay rent etc is madness but lots and LOTS of parents do this. It's not my style but It is what she thinks is best for her child. If he agrees to it, that's up to him. He can live rent free with us at any point and again, he knows that.

I don't think it's a problem to have an adult child sleeping on your couch periodically and would think it's a bit silly to have 2 bedrooms in 2 houses if he didn't want that. My parents split up when I was a teenager and I stayed with my mom for a while. When I moved to my dad's she turned my room into a guest room and that didn't bother me at all.

I 'do' think it's problematic to have this setup with foster children in and out of the house. They will often be coming from a home with lots of disruption and random people here and there, sleeping on sofas and disappearing before they wake up. That should really be avoided, particularly for short-term stays. My own children wouldn't love waking up to find a surprise person on their sofa. So I think this situation with how your stepchildren interact with the foster children needs to be handled carefully - as it's so random, it's not something the children will get used to and it could be really triggering.

I think fostering is an amazing gift and it's wonderful you want to do it, but I really think all the people sleeping in the house need to be behind a door that closes to avoid any anxiety about it for anyone. If your stepson just changes his top in the living room and a foster child walks by because they had an unsettled night, that could be really rough on them. I would imagine, like any child, it isn't like the children you are fostering are going to quietly stay in their rooms all night or have very clear schedules etc. so this sort of randomness from your stepson will be yet another thing to manage.

OP there is a massive shortage of foster homes for DC that need them. Don't let people put you off. It's true that some of the DC have their issues but over time many of these issues boil down to insecurity and wanting a long term home and fear of being moved on. I've fostered for over 13 years now. I took one child in at 5 and he attended a special school and now he's almost 19. He's done brilliantly. He might be called a care leaver but after this time he feels like my own child and he has a home here with us as long as he needs/wants it. It's been a really rewarding experience for DH and me. We couldn't have DC together as I was too old when we met so in our mind this is our DC who we have brought up together and experienced his highs and lows with him. I have 3 older DC from previous marriage and they treat him as a younger siblings. It can really work out well. I just wanted to give you a positive experience to counter the many negative ones. I'm sure your DC knows perfectly well he can stay at your house whenever he wishes.