Ok, going to give a bit of context as it's needed but I'm also going to try and be as neutral as possible. I really don't like husbands ex wife but I don't want that to cloud this question.
So husband has 2 boys, 22 and 18(in July) and I have known them since they were 10 and 15. Husband is a very hands on dad, we had the eldest living with us from the end of school until he left for Australia last year (he couldn't live with mum due to arguing etc) and the youngest always stayed with us Thursday to Sunday every week until he was about 15. We moved in together when the boys were 12 and 16 to a house about 40 mins from their school. This obviously didn't effect the eldest boy and didn't phase the youngest at all as their school bus takes about that long despite mum's house being closer.
At about 15 years old the youngest got a girlfriend, started hanging out with mates more and naturally, his mum's being closer to his school and all his mates he started staying with us less and less. I would say for the last year of us living at that house he would stay with us once or twice a fortnight for one or two nights.
In November we moved to a house which was a proper building project. So naturally the youngest was not interested in staying somewhere with no shower 😂 and no carpet and no heating (in December). We are 6 Months in and the house is nearly done. During this whole time we have repeatedly asked the youngest if he would like a bedroom at our house. He has said no, that he wouldn't use it and is happy on the sofa.We invested in a good sofa bed and when youngest does stay with us he kips on the sofa with the big telly right next to the kitchen... He is obviously perfectly happy with this arrangement.
It is important to say at this point that I can't have my own children. I found out 2 years ago and the boys and their mum know this. Husband and I have decided to become foster parents. The boys and their mum know this too but we have been TOTALLY clear and open with both boys and told them there will ALWAYS be space for them. There is always a futon, a sofa bed and eventually there will be a garden room too.
Boys mum has kicked off saying we have abandoned the child and that she will tell the fostering agency that. She has blocked us both and sent the most horrible stuff about how boy should have a room at our house to call his own.
Should he? Are we being mean? Could he be feeling pushed out and not saying so because he knows I can't have children? Does he need 2 bedrooms at 18?
I have had messages from her saying that she is struggling living with him (messy, lazy, etc) she didn't live with her eldest so she doesn't know that's just what young men are like 😂🫣
We have also had calls from him saying she wants him to pay rent/bills etc (he finished college 2 weeks ago and only works 2 shifts a week)
She lives in a 4 bed house with her new fella and their daughter, we have 2 bedrooms and a tiny box room (more of a landing with 2 doors one leads to the bathroom) ok for a baby but not a toddler.
Maybe she is struggling financially, or doesn't like living with messy, smelly teen etc? And that's why she is lashing out?
It just seems so unfair to make us out to be awful parents but I have always treated the boys as my own and loved and supported them. Am I being selfish now I would like to have my own parenting experience?
All comments appreciated
Thanks in advance ❤️