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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boarding school?

125 replies

LotusFlower24 · 15/06/2025 16:58

Just looking for other people's opinions on this situation.
My DD is a typical 13yo, we sometimes get attitude, cheek,disrespectful answers,the usual 'fine' to everything and general moody teenage behaviour. My H doesn't seem to be able to live with it anymore, too stressful apparently. I know that emotions run high with teens,they aren't yet fully developed etc. Tried to explain this. He says she is causing him to be so stressed that he thinks he can't do it anymore and that he shouldn't have to live his life like this,driving him insane. He wants me to think about options like living apart,having a flat where he can stay part of the time. One of his ideas was send her to boarding school. I've never wanted anything like this to happen. I would hate to be apart from her and even worse send her away for behaviour that I think is entirely normal. In the past he has left us because I am apparently too much with my PMS and he had to get away,now it's her. AIBU for thinking in this situation that boarding school is not an option and actually he is a complete tool?

OP posts:
Quirkswork · 15/06/2025 16:59

LotusFlower24 · 15/06/2025 16:58

Just looking for other people's opinions on this situation.
My DD is a typical 13yo, we sometimes get attitude, cheek,disrespectful answers,the usual 'fine' to everything and general moody teenage behaviour. My H doesn't seem to be able to live with it anymore, too stressful apparently. I know that emotions run high with teens,they aren't yet fully developed etc. Tried to explain this. He says she is causing him to be so stressed that he thinks he can't do it anymore and that he shouldn't have to live his life like this,driving him insane. He wants me to think about options like living apart,having a flat where he can stay part of the time. One of his ideas was send her to boarding school. I've never wanted anything like this to happen. I would hate to be apart from her and even worse send her away for behaviour that I think is entirely normal. In the past he has left us because I am apparently too much with my PMS and he had to get away,now it's her. AIBU for thinking in this situation that boarding school is not an option and actually he is a complete tool?

I'm not sure boarding school should be used to get time out from a difficult child. It should really be a positive choice in my opinion.

Apologies for quoting your original post BTW. I'm not.sure how I did that and I know it winds some people up.

BuffaloCauliflower · 15/06/2025 17:00

Your husband needs therapy to understand why he’s acting so extremely to normal teenage behaviour.

Exaltedmalteaser · 15/06/2025 17:02

I'm taking it he isn't the father?

Don't get rid of your child because of your partner.

Thaawtsom · 15/06/2025 17:03

He sounds like he can't cope with normal life, and living with other people at all. This is not on your or your DD. It's him that has the problem, not you or her. And he's the only one who can do something about it.

Original poster
LotusFlower24 · 15/06/2025 17:04

Thanks so much for these answers so far, you have all made me feel better and that I'm not being too sensitive.

OP posts:
Original poster
LotusFlower24 · 15/06/2025 17:05

@Exaltedmalteaser he is her father

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 15/06/2025 17:06

Just saw he's her dad.

That's a huge overreaction wanting to get a second place for him to get away

I think he wants out of the marriage

Original poster
LotusFlower24 · 15/06/2025 17:07

@outerspacepotato yes

OP posts:
AlertCat · 15/06/2025 17:07

Wow. No, you ANBU, he IS a tool. What does he bring to your lives positively?

neverbeenskiing · 15/06/2025 17:08

He wants you to send your child away so he can have an easier life?

Over my dead body would this be happening and I'd be beyond furious with him for even suggesting it.

Exaltedmalteaser · 15/06/2025 17:09

LotusFlower24 · 15/06/2025 17:05

@Exaltedmalteaser he is her father

That makes it even worse. My point still stands

WTHJH · 15/06/2025 17:10

Don’t worry - decent boarding schools are not at all keen to take pupils who really don’t want to be there.

Besides which, at 13 she’s already missed the application process and main entry point, so wouldn’t be remotely welcome anywhere until post-GCSE.

You need to rid yourself of your tiresome husband.

Hankunamatata · 15/06/2025 17:10

Wtf he needs to get a grip. Get therapy/medication.

I thought my dh was crap with our teens but he has never tried to ship them off

WTHJH · 15/06/2025 17:14

The stupid man doesn’t even realise that this isn’t the 1950s. Nowadays even the fullest full boarding means finding yourself on the motorway or trains every two or three weeks to pick up your child for weekends and holidays. It’s pretty much a full time job for a boarding parent. It really wouldn’t be the ‘sending away’ that he probably imagines.

Thaawtsom · 15/06/2025 17:16

And agree with PP -- sounds like he wants to leave the family. What is your financial situation like, OP? Looks like that will be his next step.

TheCountessofLocksley · 15/06/2025 17:19

He needs to grow up. Parenting teens can be tricky as they start to assert their independence, form their own opinions etc. Differences occur but how you deal with those as a parent is key. Sending her away because the man-baby can’t cope is punishing her for something that can’t be helped. I’m not anti boarding school (my Dd was as a flexi boarder as that’s what she wanted) but I don’t think it’s the right thing to do here, it will ruin your parent-child relationship.

Her father needs to get a grip. Work, relationships, finances etc can all cause stress, but the majority of us get through that by seeking help if needs be. Is his job that stressful ? If so is there an employee well-being/counselling service he can access or can he go privately (if he can afford boarding school he can afford to pay for the help he needs).

This is his issue - but you need to work together to get to the real reason he feels this way. Keep talking to and supporting your daughter (as it sounds like you are) and you two at least will get through this and have a great relationship.

TonTonMacoute · 15/06/2025 17:19

I can't think of a worse way to deal with a difficult teen than to send them away to boarding school - and I say that as someone who sent their DS to boarding school!

Its hard work sometimes, and teens can be nightmarish, but your DH is an an adult. You can't just opt out of parenting when it gets hard, you have to develop strategies to deal with the behaviour. There is a lot of good advice out there these days, now we understand more about teenage brain development.

50Balesofgrey · 15/06/2025 17:19

Divorce would be cheaper than boarding school. And SO much better for all of you

QuickFawn · 15/06/2025 17:20

send him away

You’ll find both your lives dramatically improve

RareGoalsVerge · 15/06/2025 17:21

A decent father does not want to get rid of his child when times are tough for her.
A decent husband does not move out of the house when his wife is unwell due to her menstrual cycle.

He is an utter arsehole and you need a divorce.

Do not export your child to a boarding school unless it's in her best interests. Doing it for his benefit is abusive and wrong.

BethDuttonYeHaw · 15/06/2025 17:22

Boarding school to ‘fix’ your child. Hmm. Not the first approach I’d recommend.

it will probably just ruin your relationship with her.

get rid of your arsehole DH rather than your child.

Uricon2 · 15/06/2025 17:23

In the past he has left us because I am apparently too much with my PMS

and now he wants to opt out of parenting your daughter because he can't cope with what sounds like pretty normal teenage behaviour.

He's a dick @LotusFlower24

CocoPlum · 15/06/2025 17:24

outerspacepotato · 15/06/2025 17:06

Just saw he's her dad.

That's a huge overreaction wanting to get a second place for him to get away

I think he wants out of the marriage

Edited

My thought too. He knows you'll not want her to go away, so this is his "compromise" he thinks you'll agree to.

cardibach · 15/06/2025 17:29

From the title I was going to come on and say boarding is only beneficial for a very small number of children/young adults (source: I was a boarding house parent for girls age 13-18). However, I’ve now seen why you are considering boarding and my advice is to send your ‘D’H away.

jeaux90 · 15/06/2025 17:44

Split with your DH. Sounds insufferable anyway. My DD16 does flexi boarding a couple of nights a week and loves it but this isn’t the reason why you are being forced to consider it.

Stand up for your DD and he can move out.

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