Page 5 | Boarding school?

LotusFlower24 · 2025-06-15T15:58:23+00:00

Just looking for other people's opinions on this situation. My DD is a typical 13yo, we sometimes get attitude, cheek,disrespectful answers,the usual 'fine' to everything and general moody teenage behaviour. My H doesn't seem to be able to live with it anymore, too stressful apparently. I know that emotions run high with teens,they aren't yet fully developed etc. Tried to explain this. He says she is causing him to be so stressed that he thinks he can't do it anymore and that he shouldn't have to live his life like this,driving him insane. He wants me to think about options like living apart,having a flat where he can stay part of the time. One of his ideas was send her to boarding school. I've never wanted anything like this to happen. I would hate to be apart from her and even worse send her away for behaviour that I think is entirely normal. In the past he has left us because I am apparently too much with my PMS and he had to get away,now it's her. AIBU for thinking in this situation that boarding school is not an option and actually he is a complete tool?

cranberryshortcake · 16/06/2025 22:50

RareGoalsVerge · 15/06/2025 17:21

A decent father does not want to get rid of his child when times are tough for her.
A decent husband does not move out of the house when his wife is unwell due to her menstrual cycle.

He is an utter arsehole and you need a divorce.

Do not export your child to a boarding school unless it's in her best interests. Doing it for his benefit is abusive and wrong.

This

Remaker · 16/06/2025 23:06

He’s going to succumb to the stress and die. Who is he, Mrs Bennet from Pride and Prejudice?

It’s your DH who has the issues OP. I’ve never read anything so pathetic. He needs to sort himself out or get out. Not part time to a flat - permanently.

WTHJH · 16/06/2025 23:10

@ConcernedOfClapham I’m afraid you’re rather missing the point of the thread - and your traumas from forty years ago don’t really serve a purpose on a thread where people with current, positive experiences of boarding children are confirming that it would be a completely inappropriate action to take purely to appease an unsatisfactory husband.

HeyThereDelila · 16/06/2025 23:38

Keep DD at home, divorce your useless DH.

AIAgent · 16/06/2025 23:42

LotusFlower24 · 16/06/2025 20:45

Thanks everyone for your responses. You all are saying exactly what I've been thinking for a very long time. Of course I would never agree for her to be sent away,it's a ridiculous idea. It was helpful to read a few of your posts last night and I asked him questions based on them.I asked him if he'd actually looked in to boarding school- nope. Did he think maybe he was the problem and not me or dd? He of course said I has this bad pms which is a mental problem and she also has 'whatever she has' (he's referring to her teenage moods because he actually thinks it's a mental health issue)! And then he said that he didn't have any of these issues so thats why we are the problem and he will succumb to the stress soon and it will kill him. I honestly could not believe what I was hearing. No,we wouldn't have the funds for a boarding school payment each month,we do have savings though. But as one pp said,over my dead body would she be sent away,I have told him I would never agree and I know I can't be forced. I know he is a cunt, massive man-child and all the other things you have all mentioned. I do speak up for her when he is being a dick which usually ends in an argument as he can't be seen to being undermined in front of her. I am not a quiet mouse who says nothing and I usually suffer for it by him getting angry at me for saying how I feel or giving me silent treatment. It's a surreal feeling typing this all out as it's as if I am now realising it's been years of crap that now seems to be escalating. I worry about actually leaving or telling him we're leaving because I would be concerned about his reaction. I do know this has to stop very soon though and I need to get her out of this situation. I've always said to myself that if he ever started being nasty to her then I'd leave so fast. Not as easy as it sounds.

I’m sure it’s not easy OP. The fact you can see he is a massive twat who is negatively impacting both of you and very clearly has issues himself is good.

Don’t take any crap or back down even if you can’t leave now. Your DD needs to see you stick up for her 👍

Psychologymam · 16/06/2025 23:44

WTHJH · 15/06/2025 17:14

The stupid man doesn’t even realise that this isn’t the 1950s. Nowadays even the fullest full boarding means finding yourself on the motorway or trains every two or three weeks to pick up your child for weekends and holidays. It’s pretty much a full time job for a boarding parent. It really wouldn’t be the ‘sending away’ that he probably imagines.

how is picking your child up every 21 days for 48 hours in any way comparable to a full time job?!

LurkyMcLurkinson · 16/06/2025 23:51

The answer is never to placate the person who is the one making everyone miserable.

llizzie · 17/06/2025 00:14

LotusFlower24 · 16/06/2025 20:45

Thanks everyone for your responses. You all are saying exactly what I've been thinking for a very long time. Of course I would never agree for her to be sent away,it's a ridiculous idea. It was helpful to read a few of your posts last night and I asked him questions based on them.I asked him if he'd actually looked in to boarding school- nope. Did he think maybe he was the problem and not me or dd? He of course said I has this bad pms which is a mental problem and she also has 'whatever she has' (he's referring to her teenage moods because he actually thinks it's a mental health issue)! And then he said that he didn't have any of these issues so thats why we are the problem and he will succumb to the stress soon and it will kill him. I honestly could not believe what I was hearing. No,we wouldn't have the funds for a boarding school payment each month,we do have savings though. But as one pp said,over my dead body would she be sent away,I have told him I would never agree and I know I can't be forced. I know he is a cunt, massive man-child and all the other things you have all mentioned. I do speak up for her when he is being a dick which usually ends in an argument as he can't be seen to being undermined in front of her. I am not a quiet mouse who says nothing and I usually suffer for it by him getting angry at me for saying how I feel or giving me silent treatment. It's a surreal feeling typing this all out as it's as if I am now realising it's been years of crap that now seems to be escalating. I worry about actually leaving or telling him we're leaving because I would be concerned about his reaction. I do know this has to stop very soon though and I need to get her out of this situation. I've always said to myself that if he ever started being nasty to her then I'd leave so fast. Not as easy as it sounds.

As you don't have the funds, you cannot send her to boarding school, but if you did, perhaps she would enjoy it.

You don't say if she is an only child, but if she is, and you find a very good school, the time away from her DF who obviously doesn't understand teenage girls might be just what she needs.

She would certainly learn to socialise with other girls from all sorts of backgrounds, and that will boost her confidence. It shouldn't be regarded of being 'sent away'.

If you can find the money and she goes to boarding school, it has to be suitable for her. There has to be something with the school that she will take an interest in. It may be too late for music, unless she already plays an instrument, but with sharing life with other girls, she will get to know more options.

You can 'visit' boarding schools online, look at their curriculum, and the social life they have.

llizzie · 17/06/2025 00:18

LurkyMcLurkinson · 16/06/2025 23:51

The answer is never to placate the person who is the one making everyone miserable.

Not sure I agree with that where children are concerned. DH is going through something, perhaps a midlife crisis?

Perhaps he wants a bolt hole? Maybe a bold hole with someone else?

Whatever, the DD may be better off in a boarding school, where she will learn to socialise with other girls, because if the father is that unsociable at home, will she be better off staying at home?

It isn't like dotheboys hall nowadays.

llizzie · 17/06/2025 00:20

HeyThereDelila · 16/06/2025 23:38

Keep DD at home, divorce your useless DH.

What good does that do? What does it teach DD?

Have you considered she might gain a lot of experience from boarding school?

At the moment she seems like a pawn in a game of chess, with a chance to checkmate, but a very slim one.

llizzie · 17/06/2025 00:25

TheCountessofLocksley · 15/06/2025 17:19

He needs to grow up. Parenting teens can be tricky as they start to assert their independence, form their own opinions etc. Differences occur but how you deal with those as a parent is key. Sending her away because the man-baby can’t cope is punishing her for something that can’t be helped. I’m not anti boarding school (my Dd was as a flexi boarder as that’s what she wanted) but I don’t think it’s the right thing to do here, it will ruin your parent-child relationship.

Her father needs to get a grip. Work, relationships, finances etc can all cause stress, but the majority of us get through that by seeking help if needs be. Is his job that stressful ? If so is there an employee well-being/counselling service he can access or can he go privately (if he can afford boarding school he can afford to pay for the help he needs).

This is his issue - but you need to work together to get to the real reason he feels this way. Keep talking to and supporting your daughter (as it sounds like you are) and you two at least will get through this and have a great relationship.

Edited

Do you really think it a punishment to go to boarding school?

With a father like that, I would think she would quite enjoy it.

LurkyMcLurkinson · 17/06/2025 00:34

llizzie · 17/06/2025 00:18

Not sure I agree with that where children are concerned. DH is going through something, perhaps a midlife crisis?

Perhaps he wants a bolt hole? Maybe a bold hole with someone else?

Whatever, the DD may be better off in a boarding school, where she will learn to socialise with other girls, because if the father is that unsociable at home, will she be better off staying at home?

It isn't like dotheboys hall nowadays.

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She’d be better off living in an environment where she is not learning the message that you have to behave how men want you otherwise they leave you or make big decisions about your life without consulting you. All that does it set up a girl for a life time of shit and potentially dangerous relationships. If the man can’t handle a normal level of stress then the solution needs to come from his actions, such as seeking counselling, medication etc, not from removing whatever he deems to be the problem.

Masmavi · 17/06/2025 00:42

Send him away. It sounds like he can’t cope with normal life.

llizzie · 17/06/2025 00:46

LurkyMcLurkinson · 17/06/2025 00:34

She’d be better off living in an environment where she is not learning the message that you have to behave how men want you otherwise they leave you or make big decisions about your life without consulting you. All that does it set up a girl for a life time of shit and potentially dangerous relationships. If the man can’t handle a normal level of stress then the solution needs to come from his actions, such as seeking counselling, medication etc, not from removing whatever he deems to be the problem.

Show quote history

But she isn't living in that sort of environment, is she? Of course it would be ideal if her parents could both understand and cope with her normal teen behaviour, if that is all it is.

I don't advocate making bid decisions in life for anyone, but neither do I condone the parents making her go through their bad behaviour either.

Looking up the schools and seeing their curriculum and discussing with the girl is hardly forcing her to make a decision. Why would she be making a bad life and have potentially dangerous relationships?

Should she go through life living with someone who cannot cope, who is disrupting her education, and leave home at the first opportunity?

I do not know how or why the father is being like that. Do you? I look at it from a different point of view, that either they have the DC at home or she goes to a boarding school. Who is to say which is the best for her?

I do know that there is a lot of competition between private schools and that can only be good for the children.

SnowFrogJelly · 17/06/2025 01:10

He is the one with the problem tell him to go to boarding school

Rednotdead · 17/06/2025 01:56

Bin him and keep your child at home

Gremlinsateit · 17/06/2025 02:43

Bin him sooner rather than later. Next time he says he wants to move out, say “yes, I expect you’ll need a month to find a flat, so shall we say late July”?

And make sure your daughter understands it’s an issue between the adults and not her fault - because it isn’t her fault. Responsible fathers manage their own responses to teenage moods.

LurkyMcLurkinson · 17/06/2025 03:41

llizzie · 17/06/2025 00:46

But she isn't living in that sort of environment, is she? Of course it would be ideal if her parents could both understand and cope with her normal teen behaviour, if that is all it is.

I don't advocate making bid decisions in life for anyone, but neither do I condone the parents making her go through their bad behaviour either.

Looking up the schools and seeing their curriculum and discussing with the girl is hardly forcing her to make a decision. Why would she be making a bad life and have potentially dangerous relationships?

Should she go through life living with someone who cannot cope, who is disrupting her education, and leave home at the first opportunity?

I do not know how or why the father is being like that. Do you? I look at it from a different point of view, that either they have the DC at home or she goes to a boarding school. Who is to say which is the best for her?

I do know that there is a lot of competition between private schools and that can only be good for the children.

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Of course if she was spoken to and wished to go that would be different but if they send her off when she’s not keen then that would give her the message that men make decisions about women and that if she doesn’t behave she gets rejected, which would set a template for what her adult relationships look like.

Arrearing50 · 17/06/2025 07:53

@LotusFlower24 it’s interesting that you’re supposed to manage your PMS, your ds is supposed to manage herself but your dh has stress which is caused by you that he can’t do anything to manage without removing you or himself.

it is not a fixable dynamic with an attitude like that…

TwoToe · 17/06/2025 12:47

I’ve not read through the comments other than yours

Boarding school can be amazing, for the right child and family. It can be a positive choice. Made with a secure child who knows they have a secure team behind them, and who wants to go. Otherwise it’s a recipe for disaster.

I can’t comment much on your relationship. But those teen years are a time of re wiring brains, learning independence. I found ‘the teenage brain’ invaluable. Is your DH willing to put the work in to help understand the changes any teen goes through?

MrsSunshine2b · 17/06/2025 13:11

YANBU for not agreeing with DH.
YABU for even considering sending your child to boarding school to appease your DH.

Is he her father or stepfather? If the latter, he's really leaning hard into a stereotype.

llizzie · 17/06/2025 14:39

LurkyMcLurkinson · 17/06/2025 03:41

Of course if she was spoken to and wished to go that would be different but if they send her off when she’s not keen then that would give her the message that men make decisions about women and that if she doesn’t behave she gets rejected, which would set a template for what her adult relationships look like.

Show quote history

What we don't know is the family situation. All we know is that a DH wants the daughter out of the house because he thinks she is out of control. We are told it is just normal teen behaviour by the mother.

That is all we know.

Perhaps the daughter might quite like to be away from a situation where she feels her mother expects her to back her up in arguments against the DF?

We don't know, do we? We know that there is a disagreement between DM and DF as to the right way to bring up the DD. We are told it is behavioural and the OP says it isn't.

We don't know just why the DF thinks the home atmosphere is caustic enough to want the DD to leave - or DH will!

We don't know if the DD has excess energy to burn off, and more to interest her in life. Nor do we know if she is happy at the school she attends now.

Perhaps they should all three discuss what the DD wants. They would have to do that anyway, to decide what school is most suitable.

My comments were that boarding schools are not what a lot of people think. They are places of learning, with extra curriculum activities, and learn to socialise with other children. I suggested DD might like to go to such a school.

llizzie · 17/06/2025 14:52

LotusFlower24 · 16/06/2025 20:45

Thanks everyone for your responses. You all are saying exactly what I've been thinking for a very long time. Of course I would never agree for her to be sent away,it's a ridiculous idea. It was helpful to read a few of your posts last night and I asked him questions based on them.I asked him if he'd actually looked in to boarding school- nope. Did he think maybe he was the problem and not me or dd? He of course said I has this bad pms which is a mental problem and she also has 'whatever she has' (he's referring to her teenage moods because he actually thinks it's a mental health issue)! And then he said that he didn't have any of these issues so thats why we are the problem and he will succumb to the stress soon and it will kill him. I honestly could not believe what I was hearing. No,we wouldn't have the funds for a boarding school payment each month,we do have savings though. But as one pp said,over my dead body would she be sent away,I have told him I would never agree and I know I can't be forced. I know he is a cunt, massive man-child and all the other things you have all mentioned. I do speak up for her when he is being a dick which usually ends in an argument as he can't be seen to being undermined in front of her. I am not a quiet mouse who says nothing and I usually suffer for it by him getting angry at me for saying how I feel or giving me silent treatment. It's a surreal feeling typing this all out as it's as if I am now realising it's been years of crap that now seems to be escalating. I worry about actually leaving or telling him we're leaving because I would be concerned about his reaction. I do know this has to stop very soon though and I need to get her out of this situation. I've always said to myself that if he ever started being nasty to her then I'd leave so fast. Not as easy as it sounds.

You indicate that you do not have the same feelings for him any more. You say he considers you and DD have menstrual problems which send you 'mental'.

You obviously have lost all respect for him, and that might rub off on DD, who has no idea how you feel towards him, only that you argue. How does she feel about that?

That is not good for either of you, and certainly not for DD, who up to now has probably had respect for her father.

Have you ever asked her to take sides, and support you? Does she think she should support you and feel about her DF the same as you?

How is her education progressing - if it is? What hobbies does she have? Does she have a lot of friends at school?

Eventually the present atmosphere could make her life intolerable, ruin her learning abilities and her hopes for her future employment.

Have you actually DISCUSSED with DD whether she would like the opportunity to be able to study without rows every day on who is sane and who is mental, or has that part of the argument been avoided?

Do you think it is - even remotely - possible that your DH might be wanting the best for his DD?

llizzie · 17/06/2025 15:00

Masmavi · 17/06/2025 00:42

Send him away. It sounds like he can’t cope with normal life.

Do we know that the DD would be better off without DF?

She would still have to see him because he is her DF. Would OP be able to cope alone?

pipthomson · 18/06/2025 20:38

Self centred and intolerant how much more do you want to put into the relationship?