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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boarding school?

125 replies

LotusFlower24 · 15/06/2025 16:58

Just looking for other people's opinions on this situation.
My DD is a typical 13yo, we sometimes get attitude, cheek,disrespectful answers,the usual 'fine' to everything and general moody teenage behaviour. My H doesn't seem to be able to live with it anymore, too stressful apparently. I know that emotions run high with teens,they aren't yet fully developed etc. Tried to explain this. He says she is causing him to be so stressed that he thinks he can't do it anymore and that he shouldn't have to live his life like this,driving him insane. He wants me to think about options like living apart,having a flat where he can stay part of the time. One of his ideas was send her to boarding school. I've never wanted anything like this to happen. I would hate to be apart from her and even worse send her away for behaviour that I think is entirely normal. In the past he has left us because I am apparently too much with my PMS and he had to get away,now it's her. AIBU for thinking in this situation that boarding school is not an option and actually he is a complete tool?

OP posts:
stillavid · 15/06/2025 17:48

Boarding school isn't the issue - your DH is the issue.

WheresthesaladTheresthesalad · 15/06/2025 18:04

My father used to threaten me with this on a very regular basis. I was a good kid, worked hard at school, good grades, hobbies. But the slightest hint of what he viewed as disobedience resulted in him making boarding school enquiries. Just very normal teenage tiredness would trigger these declarations from him and I always felt on edge.

Was an awful way to live. Why my mum didn't leave him, I will never understand. I of course blamed myself but later as a young adult I realised he was a controlling, narcissistic man and I was loveable. We have no relationship at all now due to this and a whole range of behaviours which the boarding school threats were just one part of. Very sad but very necessary.

Please, please do not accept this man's treatment of your child. It is very impactful.

Good luck OP 💐

Caligirl80 · 15/06/2025 20:47

Boarding school should be an option if it's good for THE CHILD. Not because it will be good for the parents.

If you DH can't cope then he should be taking steps to figure that out. If he's not making efforts to do so (therapy would be a good start as would all the tests for depression etc etc) then he needs to do that before sending children away.

And if you aren't happy and he is done with working on it then move on - get a divorce and try to make the best of it. If he's been moving out anyway then you won't be missing much.

That all said, I would ask your child what's going on with her and try to figure out whether there are actually some things going on she isn't talking about. Teenagers aren't stupid - they can tell when their parents aren't getting along and it impacts them hugely to be living in a nasty natured house where people are walking on eggshells. She's probably absolutely sick of it and utterly fed up with the pair of you bickering.

You could also ask her if she has any interest in Boarding school - maybe she does - and maybe it would indeed be awesome for her and she would love it. At the very least it would get her out of what seems to be a very fractious and unpleasant family living situation. But hopefully it would also give her a tight knit community, far better class sizes, a consistent community, and structure. Boarding school is awesome.

Mischance · 15/06/2025 21:01

Send him away ....

Morechocmorechoc · 15/06/2025 21:04

I said yabu because you're still with him. If he can't be with you because of your pms and can't be with your daughter then kick him out. It's unfair on you both.

itsgettingweird · 15/06/2025 21:07

I think the time has come to send him off boarding elsewhere for his behaviour.

Iloveeverycat · 15/06/2025 21:16

She is behaving normally that's what teenagers can be like his reaction is not normal. Why does he find it stressful was he like this when she was younger. He will only see her in the evenings and weekends and most teenagers don't want to spend time with their parents and are usually in their rooms or out with friends so when does all these stressful situations happen.

Travellingpants · 15/06/2025 21:19

He sounds like someone people have to walk on eggshells around. He's the problem.

Fiver555 · 15/06/2025 21:25

Send him away. If you send your dd away you will have lost her. Your dh will not cope when she comes home in the holidays and he may well leave anyway at that point. He's already tried to say your PMS is too difficult for him - what about when you're peri-menopausal, what then - will he use that as his excuse for wanting to be alone?

It seems to me that it's not you, it's not her, it's him.

Let him move out.

Icanttakethisanymore · 15/06/2025 21:30

Yes, he’s a complete tool.

AIAgent · 15/06/2025 21:32

Is this a joke - because OF COURSE he is a complete tool.

First it was PMS - allegedly
Now it’s her - allegedly
What’s next?

Your response is:

”Have your considered it’s you that is the problem. It might be best for you to move out and get help for yourself because your lack of ability to cope with everyday life and constant threats are making everyone fucking miserable and we’ve also reached our limit”.

FusionChefGeoff · 15/06/2025 21:32

What an immature little twat. I’d be running to the solicitors for a divorce.

I don’t think there’s any point suggesting he should read some parenting books / take a parenting teens course…??

Lifeisinteresting · 15/06/2025 21:33

@LotusFlower24 send here is state. She'll be better off as an adult for it

FluffykinsTheFerociousFeralFelineFury · 15/06/2025 21:46

He is clearly not cut out for family life.

CrustyOldFrump · 15/06/2025 21:55

Your daughter isn’t the problem.

ACynicalDad · 15/06/2025 21:58

whilst boarding was positive for me and I expected to write that on this thread it’s completely wong in this situation unless she wants it for other unconnected reasons. If your child and relationship are incompatible then the child is the one to prioritise. Send him on an overseas contract for a few years until she goes to uni.

OldFamilyTable · 15/06/2025 22:18

Your DH sounds like a gigantic manchild.

MandarinCat · 16/06/2025 17:52

You're not supposed to just send kids away if they start being tricky teenagers.They're not a hobby you can ditch once you get bored.

MandarinCat · 16/06/2025 17:54

MandarinCat · 16/06/2025 17:52

You're not supposed to just send kids away if they start being tricky teenagers.They're not a hobby you can ditch once you get bored.

Edited

For some reason when I click on edit it's showing as "not a hobby" but the word not isn't showing in the real thing.

Igmum · 16/06/2025 17:58

He’s a knob. Teenagers push boundaries. It’s what they do. The best thing that parents can do is show that they can disagree/discipline/quarrel with them and STILL love them and be there for them. Can you imagine how traumatic it would be for your daughter for him to say he can’t take it anymore and leave? Total knob.

Sharptonguedwoman · 16/06/2025 17:58

LotusFlower24 · 15/06/2025 16:58

Just looking for other people's opinions on this situation.
My DD is a typical 13yo, we sometimes get attitude, cheek,disrespectful answers,the usual 'fine' to everything and general moody teenage behaviour. My H doesn't seem to be able to live with it anymore, too stressful apparently. I know that emotions run high with teens,they aren't yet fully developed etc. Tried to explain this. He says she is causing him to be so stressed that he thinks he can't do it anymore and that he shouldn't have to live his life like this,driving him insane. He wants me to think about options like living apart,having a flat where he can stay part of the time. One of his ideas was send her to boarding school. I've never wanted anything like this to happen. I would hate to be apart from her and even worse send her away for behaviour that I think is entirely normal. In the past he has left us because I am apparently too much with my PMS and he had to get away,now it's her. AIBU for thinking in this situation that boarding school is not an option and actually he is a complete tool?

Please don't do this. Boarding should absolutely be a positive choice and can be brilliant but not because your DH can't cope. If DD has any indication that she is being 'sent away' then the effects will be long term sad and miserable for her.

Sharptonguedwoman · 16/06/2025 17:59

Lifeisinteresting · 15/06/2025 21:33

@LotusFlower24 send here is state. She'll be better off as an adult for it

Sorry, what do you mean?

stichguru · 16/06/2025 18:01

Why are you making your child live with this abusive man? Your child needs to be somewhere different from him, but with you.

Arrearing50 · 16/06/2025 18:02

@LotusFlower24 bosrding school is the last thing you want to do if you have a teen that struggles to regulate emotions - speaking from family experience. As everyone else says, you have a dh problem.

Floatingonahope · 16/06/2025 18:03

You need to choose her. In none of his suggestions is he weighing up the best options for her. the first role of a parent is to put their kids first. LTB.

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