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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boarding school?

125 replies

LotusFlower24 · 15/06/2025 16:58

Just looking for other people's opinions on this situation.
My DD is a typical 13yo, we sometimes get attitude, cheek,disrespectful answers,the usual 'fine' to everything and general moody teenage behaviour. My H doesn't seem to be able to live with it anymore, too stressful apparently. I know that emotions run high with teens,they aren't yet fully developed etc. Tried to explain this. He says she is causing him to be so stressed that he thinks he can't do it anymore and that he shouldn't have to live his life like this,driving him insane. He wants me to think about options like living apart,having a flat where he can stay part of the time. One of his ideas was send her to boarding school. I've never wanted anything like this to happen. I would hate to be apart from her and even worse send her away for behaviour that I think is entirely normal. In the past he has left us because I am apparently too much with my PMS and he had to get away,now it's her. AIBU for thinking in this situation that boarding school is not an option and actually he is a complete tool?

OP posts:
Richiewoo · 16/06/2025 20:19

Keep your daughter. Ditch the husband. He sounds like a useless arsehole.

BellaTheDarkOverlord · 16/06/2025 20:21

Boarding school is a great idea in this situation. When can your “d”h leave for it??

okydokethen · 16/06/2025 20:26

Send him away

Theroadt · 16/06/2025 20:34

Depends on ghd school - a friend’s DD started Stowe at beginning if Y10

AgeingGreycefully · 16/06/2025 20:36

He sound very sensitive to perfectly normal situations and this bears investigating. He can’t just opt out of life’s difficulties because they freak him out. He signed up to the husband/father thing and if it’s all a horrible shock, he needs to seek professional help. You should encourage him in this so he doesn’t spend the rest of his like running away if it all gets a bit tough! Life is tough, end of. If it wasn’t, how could we appreciate the sublime joys that it also brings? Sending lots of positive encouragement your way.

Original poster
LotusFlower24 · 16/06/2025 20:45

Thanks everyone for your responses. You all are saying exactly what I've been thinking for a very long time. Of course I would never agree for her to be sent away,it's a ridiculous idea. It was helpful to read a few of your posts last night and I asked him questions based on them.I asked him if he'd actually looked in to boarding school- nope. Did he think maybe he was the problem and not me or dd? He of course said I has this bad pms which is a mental problem and she also has 'whatever she has' (he's referring to her teenage moods because he actually thinks it's a mental health issue)! And then he said that he didn't have any of these issues so thats why we are the problem and he will succumb to the stress soon and it will kill him. I honestly could not believe what I was hearing. No,we wouldn't have the funds for a boarding school payment each month,we do have savings though. But as one pp said,over my dead body would she be sent away,I have told him I would never agree and I know I can't be forced. I know he is a cunt, massive man-child and all the other things you have all mentioned. I do speak up for her when he is being a dick which usually ends in an argument as he can't be seen to being undermined in front of her. I am not a quiet mouse who says nothing and I usually suffer for it by him getting angry at me for saying how I feel or giving me silent treatment. It's a surreal feeling typing this all out as it's as if I am now realising it's been years of crap that now seems to be escalating. I worry about actually leaving or telling him we're leaving because I would be concerned about his reaction. I do know this has to stop very soon though and I need to get her out of this situation. I've always said to myself that if he ever started being nasty to her then I'd leave so fast. Not as easy as it sounds.

OP posts:
Laura95167 · 16/06/2025 20:50

Hes the victim of his own story and it's awful.

You dont want your daughter to learn this is what love looks like. You need to get rid, he will be fine and if he isnt it's his responsibility to fix it

hcee19 · 16/06/2025 20:51

So he see your dd as a problem and when he can no longer cope, get rid of the problem. What a horrible man...If anyone should go, it should be him, help him pack and tell him not to bother coming back. Mr bloody perfect, do one!

Todayisaday · 16/06/2025 20:52

Sorry what have I just read... I thought this was to be a post about whether boarding school was a good option becuase of the facilities or that you move a lot etc. No way did I think I would read a post to say that a childs father wants to send her away or leave becuase his teenage girl is a bit moody and hormonal and he can't be bothered to deal with it.
What a way to fuck up someones life, to send them away as a teen because they were being a normal teen.
He should leave in this instance.
I bet if she fell pregnant out of wedlock he would try and put her in a mother and baby unit and sell her baby yo the catholic church, but thankfully it is not 1905 and women can survive without men like this calling us hysterical and phtting us in institutions and burning us at the stake because we dare to have emotions.

Wildefish · 16/06/2025 21:01

LotusFlower24 · 15/06/2025 16:58

Just looking for other people's opinions on this situation.
My DD is a typical 13yo, we sometimes get attitude, cheek,disrespectful answers,the usual 'fine' to everything and general moody teenage behaviour. My H doesn't seem to be able to live with it anymore, too stressful apparently. I know that emotions run high with teens,they aren't yet fully developed etc. Tried to explain this. He says she is causing him to be so stressed that he thinks he can't do it anymore and that he shouldn't have to live his life like this,driving him insane. He wants me to think about options like living apart,having a flat where he can stay part of the time. One of his ideas was send her to boarding school. I've never wanted anything like this to happen. I would hate to be apart from her and even worse send her away for behaviour that I think is entirely normal. In the past he has left us because I am apparently too much with my PMS and he had to get away,now it's her. AIBU for thinking in this situation that boarding school is not an option and actually he is a complete tool?

Keep the daughter snd loose the husband

MissAmbrosia · 16/06/2025 21:03

He needs to go - not her. I suspect it might help.

Endofyear · 16/06/2025 21:04

I'd be getting rid of him and my daughter wouldn't be going anywhere! It sounds like you and your daughter would be better off without him. Tell him to leave if he doesn't want to live with your child.

AlertCat · 16/06/2025 21:09

If he mooted the idea of him moving into a flat before, encourage him to do that. Then file for a divorce. Good luck @LotusFlower24

Fitasafiddle1 · 16/06/2025 21:16

He is looking to leave and he is using his own child as an excuse, it’s utterly despicable and will do untold harm to her. Your dd is being completely NORMAL! How devastating that he does not love her enough/at all. That poor child.

missymousey · 16/06/2025 21:20

Yes you should send your husband to boarding school. It'll be the making of him.

cheapshoes · 16/06/2025 21:25

I feel so so sorry for your daughter that she is hearing this. Dealing with hormones and also in effect being told she is hated and unloved by her own father - because that will be what she is hearing. How can you let her experience this. No wonder she is having difficulties regulating her emotions. Poor poor girl. Please put her first and do the right thing.

Daisy12Maisie · 16/06/2025 21:29

I would re home him not the child. Parenting teenagers is hard but it doesn’t sound like he is even trying.

Aimtodobetter · 16/06/2025 21:31

I'm glad these answers are helping you with perspective. If the stress of having a moody teenager "will kill him" he has the mental health issues, not you or your daughter. I don't honestly know how i would deal with a partner (and father) that irrational. Maybe say something like "I know teenagers can be annoying but I talk to lots of other mums with kids and this is perfectly normal behaviour - you are the one who needs to adjust your expectations because being a good father means working through the teenage ups and downs with her and showing her she is still loved and cared for - that isn't what you are doing. If you can't find a way to do that organically - then as a responsible father you need to seek therapy or other support that allows you to be a loving and caring father of our daughter. She deserves that."

Ketzele · 16/06/2025 21:50

This sounds so hard, OP. But your post also made me a bit tearful - partly because I too have a currently obnoxious teenager, and it is so gruelling (and not once has it occurred to me that sending her away would be an option!). But also partly with anger because so many men do this. My gran, my mum, myself and my kids all grew up without a dad in the house, and those dads all had such a story about why they couldn't be expected to play a part in their kids lives.

And yes, I know not all men are like that - that almost makes me feel worse! My own brothers are such beautiful dads (God knows where they got it from - our dad was a violent alcoholic who I saw so infrequently I fantasised he was Paul McCartney - and told everyone at school). I look at the love and commitment they have for their now-adult children and stepkids and think, lots of men get this, how did the others think that conception was the end of the hard work?

Your dd will likely grow beyond this. Your dh likely won't. Not fair to you, and I'm so sorry.

Blablibladirladada · 16/06/2025 21:56

Yeah he is a complete tool but it is your tool so try to find an in between.
flat, probably no…
boarding, probably no…

USaYwHatNow · 16/06/2025 21:59

I've voted YABU because you're even giving this headspace as an option. Ditch the husband

ChiliFiend · 16/06/2025 22:13

Sending your child to boarding school because a parent can't stand to be around her will fuck her up for life (speaking as someone who went to boarding school and loved it, but was sent for the right reasons).

OntheBorder1 · 16/06/2025 22:31

I would be inclined to consider solving the problem by getting rid of your DH.

LimitedBrightSpots · 16/06/2025 22:41

Ditch the deadweight. Besides everything else, I suspect he has a history of making his inadequacies and inability to deal with normal life your problem so then you have to tiptoe round him and can't ask him to "adult" properly at all.

ConcernedOfClapham · 16/06/2025 22:46

Don’t send your daughter to Boarding School. I went, and have only begun to deal with the mental scars over the last decade or so (I’m 52 in November). Read the book ‘Trauma, Abandonment and Privilege’ to learn more (a valuable tool in helping me confront my demons)