To think my friend should be teaching her child better stranger awareness

[Clariy]

Hi all, so yesterday I was out with my friend and her daughter. Her daughter, her daughter is 5. We were out in London. My friend is comfortable financially and a genuinely lovely compassionate person.

On several occasions when we passed people begging she stopped, gave her daughter a £5/£10 note to give to them. Fair enough if you want to give I suppose. But she also chatted to them and encouraged her daughter to do the same, asked their name, where they were from etc. Not in a prying way but like she genuinely wanted to know about them as a person. I haven’t really seen anyone do this, especially not with people in London.

I asked her about it later, she said that she thinks it’s important to humanise them and she views it as teaching her daughter compassion. I asked about stranger danger and she seemed to brush it off. I then pointed out that some of them probably aren’t really homeless and she replied “For someone to fake hunger they must be starved of something in their soul” she has a tendency to give answers like this. I then pointed out that they may spend it on drugs and she said “my compassion comes with no strings attached”.

I don’t really care if she does this on her own, but something about encouraging a child to do the same feels very odd to me and lacking awareness. Her daughter was also pretty confident doing this and it was clear this isn’t the first time.

I know some of them will be in genuine need, of those who aren’t most are probably harmless but all it takes is one person will intents to take advantage of her, or when her daughter is older, her daughter.

AIBU to think this is quite reckless parenting?

No I don’t think it’s reckless parenting in the slightest.
Stranger danger is about trusting and going off with a total stranger, not making polite conversation with your parent and another adult.
Your reaction sounds quite unhinged.

In what way do you think one of these homeless people would take advantage of the daughter?

She sounds like a champagne socialist. The kind that would be up for a sponsored help a village in Africa thing when her kids are older

I’m not sure it’s reckless parenting. I do think it’s a sort of performance parenting, wanting to show the world just how generous and compassionate you are and how you’re raising your child to be the same.

You were right to question whether it was the right thing to do, a lot of homeless charities actually caution against giving money on the street as it’s not the best way to target support.

I wonder if she’s as generous when nobody is watching!

I don’t agree, OP. You sound really judgemental and intolerant. I think you should butt out of her opinions and parenting decisions.

Why is MN obsessed with any behaviour you can directly see being ‘performative’? It’s so tiring.

Oh absolutely not. She is vocally against performative activism. I don’t think she is under any illusion that her money is making any real difference to these people, I think she views it more as a token of compassion and she was chatting to 2 of the more chatty people about options for genuine help.

I wouldn’t call her a champagne socialist at all.

No I don’t think it’s reckless parenting, I actually think it’s really good parenting and I wish more parents where we are would follow her lead. Just a few weeks ago a homeless man not far from her was verbally harassed and then physically beaten by a group of 10-12 “kids”- they found it so funny they filmed it and posted it to their snapchat stories, 2 of them live streamed it on Facebook. Perhaps if they had been raised with even an ounce of her compassion this would not have happened.

I’d also say you’re just as likely to be harmed or abducted by a man in an expensive suit, or a police uniform, as you are a homeless man. Unless your message would be “don’t speak to ANYONE”, then YABU.

Based on years of friendship, I know it isn’t a performative act, she is genuinely like this all the time. I’d say she is probably selfless to a fault more than anything, this is just one example that seemed dangerous to me, but she is very genuine person.

No, it’s not reckless parenting.

Stranger danger is an outdated concept and is not taught anymore, because in 99% of situations, strangers are the ones you need help from. Most children are harmed not by strangers but by people they know.

Wow your friend sounds amazing. Were that we were all so kind and compassionate.

She wasn't encouraging it when she wasn't there. She was teaching her daughter a valuable lesson.

Stranger danger is about when you are alone as pps have said.

I think it’s excellent parenting.

That's an incredibly stupid thing to do

Yanbu

It’s good parenting
jusy because someone is down on their luck or mentally ill it doesn’t make them more of a threat than anyone else

talking to people in a busy space with friends and family around is dangerous how exactly ?

Easy to check if she's performing or more genuine. What volunteering does she actually do to help out if she's that compassionate? What help is she actually giving people?

Charities are struggling with lack of funding, even schools are massively struggling. How many hours a week does she give?

If they were men, and I assume some of these people were ....do people really encourage their daughters to strike up conversations with random men in the street.... homeless or not?

Stranger danger is much less of an actual danger than family. Statistically, abuse and violence to children almost always comes from people known to the child. So I do t agree that teaching your child to have a conversation with people is inherently dangerous, no.

Stranger danger is an outdated concept

It REALLY is not, what a stupid thing to say.

It doesn't mean you don't warn and prepare kids about non-stranger danger.

I have endless compassion for people on the streets but pretending that many of them aren’t troubled and disturbed is misguided.

I don’t think anything would have happened on this particular occasion; I don’t like it though - not everyone wants to chat and homeless people are included in that, but I do think that it encourages a sort of naivety which isn’t wise.

That said, I think stranger danger isn’t taught much now because we don’t let children out unsupervised until they are considerably older than in my day. I have a four year old and haven’t told him explicitly not to go off with strangers.

Her husband owns and runs a small restaurant, they very often give meals for free to homeless people around them, even inviting them in to eat, rather than expecting them to eat it on the street. She recently made massive donations to our children’s schools library to update the stock (I mean 100s of books). They do Christmas dinner for those struggling every year, he used to volunteer with the Red Cross before she became a mother.
She doesn’t post any of this on social media (or even had it). The only reason I know about these are because I’ve witnessed it, not because she’s told me.

What's reckless about it?

It sounds perfectly fine to me.

This.

Your friend sounds great.

If you're one of the posters who thinks it's fine... would you ordinarily encourage your dds to start conversations with random men in the street?

I actually find it a bit patronising. Let’s give money and have permission to interrogate the downtrodden in society. I wouldn’t do it because it’s none of my business to know about anyone’s troubles.
Performance parenting!

I think this is how I feel about it.

Other people aren’t a book, to be discussed and learned from in front of them.

It is absolutely fine to talk about the lady in the wheelchair away from her hearing and explain why some people can’t walk very well (or at all), how they might feel about it, and how we can be helpful and considerate. It would not be fine to talk TO the lady in the wheelchair or about her in her hearing!

then fair enough to her, she does care!