To think my friend should be teaching her child better stranger awareness

[Clariy]

Hi all, so yesterday I was out with my friend and her daughter. Her daughter, her daughter is 5. We were out in London. My friend is comfortable financially and a genuinely lovely compassionate person.

On several occasions when we passed people begging she stopped, gave her daughter a £5/£10 note to give to them. Fair enough if you want to give I suppose. But she also chatted to them and encouraged her daughter to do the same, asked their name, where they were from etc. Not in a prying way but like she genuinely wanted to know about them as a person. I haven’t really seen anyone do this, especially not with people in London.

I asked her about it later, she said that she thinks it’s important to humanise them and she views it as teaching her daughter compassion. I asked about stranger danger and she seemed to brush it off. I then pointed out that some of them probably aren’t really homeless and she replied “For someone to fake hunger they must be starved of something in their soul” she has a tendency to give answers like this. I then pointed out that they may spend it on drugs and she said “my compassion comes with no strings attached”.

I don’t really care if she does this on her own, but something about encouraging a child to do the same feels very odd to me and lacking awareness. Her daughter was also pretty confident doing this and it was clear this isn’t the first time.

I know some of them will be in genuine need, of those who aren’t most are probably harmless but all it takes is one person will intents to take advantage of her, or when her daughter is older, her daughter.

AIBU to think this is quite reckless parenting?

What exactly do you think is so wrong, reckless and “stupid” about it?
My child and I often chat to people at the bus stop, at the park etc. Why are you pretending it’s so weird? I think your insular life is the weird one.

You spend Christmas Day with them every year in their restaurant and happened to be passing as she donated hundreds of books to school?

She sounds patronising and performative. Funny that her “charity” always involves flashing the cash.

Homeless charities specifically ask that you don’t give money to people on the streets, you are not helping. As for using people to “educate” your kids right in front of them. Fucking grim.

Yes that’s a good point. I didn’t really see her interrogating as such, more started casual with a “gosh it’s hot isn’t it” if they seemed receptive to chatting, she’d ask their name, where they were from and if not the uk she’d discuss their country with them, something like oh how beautiful, I visited there in …., which led to natural chat. She never asked how they ended up in that position, she told them about her husbands restaurant, where it is etc and told them if they were ever in the area or just wanted a meal and some company they were welcome to drop in.

I do think she sometimes fails to see she is privileged, the restaurant and flat they live in were bought for them by family. Her daughter’s school fees are paid by grandparents etc.

Chatting at the bus stop is completely different to giving your 5 year old a fiver and making her approach a homeless person to buy his life story from him.

Performative and ghoulish at the same time. It’s on a par with the types who pose for photos at Auschwitz

No I don’t spend every Christmas with them, but I have in the past and when I ask what they are doing this Christmas she would just say same as last year. I really don’t think she is performative at all.

As for the books, she asked if I could pick up some bits to take to the school as she doesn’t have a car. I asked what they were and she said just some bits, it was the receptionist who told me as I was taking them in that they were books for library she was donating.

I think some people are being very cynical about her compassion here.

Are you sure this isn't a reverse and you just want people to say how lovely and generous you are without actually telling people about your good deeds?

Seems like you're around an awful lot when she's doing this stuff.

She is my closest friend! Our children go to the same school, we went to university together. I’m almost certain she does more I have no idea about, this is just the things I’ve seen over 15 years of friendship.

I like your friend and I think YABU. I talk to people all the time, every where! And I encourage my kids if they are comfortable to do so. I honestly can't see it as danger, chatty assertive kids are less likely to fall victim anyway, and there is massive jump between small talk on a bus and going off in the back of a van.

Dh gives money to homeless people all the time, he says he doesn't care if they need it for drink or drugs, it could stop them robbing someone else or if nothing else it makes them feel like the world isn't against them. I've told my kids if they do want to talk to a homeless person only do it with an adult present, in an open place and always make eye contact and never ask personal questions. If life had dealt us a different card we could be them and vice versa.

It depends. Generally, there’s nothing wrong with a brief chat with another parent.

But not everyone is up for chatting. It really is as simple as that.

It sounds like she’s teaching her daughter compassion. Under her direct supervision, so I’m not sure “stranger danger” applies when she’s right next to her.

Your friend sounds great. Casual conversation with a stranger when you are with a parent in a public place to me is not reckless. I wish more people were like your friend I think the world would be a kinder place.

I think the opposite. I think she recognises her, and more importantly her daughter’s privilege and wants to teach her that it’s kind to help people where she can (and that is not always financial)

If anything you are being the unreasonable one in this scenario

Oh don’t be so disgusting, it’s nothing like posing for a photo at Auschwitz.

It seems like “performative” is just the buzzword for anything certain mumsnet posters don’t like these days.

Considering it sounds like she does a lot in her life to help people it doesn’t seem performative at all and seems like it’s completely in line with her values.

YABU. What exactly was dangerous in this situation?

I hate that we live in a world where we discourage interaction with strangers, us, even homeless ones. They're still people and some like to chat (sounds like your friends tries to read the mood).

Sometimes kids (and adults) will need to rely on strangers, we need to teach them appropriate awareness and risk assessment, not to just refuse to interact with anyone else and certainly not to inadvertently teach them homeless people are lesser, automatically dangerous and to be avoided.

Your friend sounds amazing.

Fucking hell 🤣

So if it weren’t for your husband he thinks homeless people will commit robbery and your children can only go near them with adults around, if they make eye contact and only in an open space.

Performative and judgmental. Brilliant

As for your best mate OP. She’s patronising as fuck. Here private school, have zillions of books, my underling will drop them off. Do make sure she knows why dahling.

Are people imagining the homeless person will be moved and pleased to finally be seen as a human, with a name, a backstory and someone showing an interest?

Because obviously the reasons as to why people become homeless are complex but they probably aren’t ones you’d want to get into on the street with a five year old.

Unhinged? that's an over-the-top word to use in this scenario. The OP has brought up an interesting point. You're the one that's unhinged!

Gosh you are cynical aren’t you, the dahling was so unnecessary there considering my friend isn’t even English or British!

I don’t think she is perfect and I think she probably practices a form of radical softness which I don’t think is always the right move but I do think she is selfless and kind.

@CountryQueen you can laugh all you like but this thread is about stranger danger, of course I don't send my kids down a dark alleyway to give money to a homeless person. A balance is required, telling kids they can talk to a stranger in an open space with people around is fairly basic parenting. Telling them to ignore everyone because they are strangers is pretty shit parenting in my opinion. Homeless people are people who are homeless, simple as that, not some sub species to be ignored and sneered at. I think its good that my children aren't afraid of 'them' but of course some precautions have to be taken, same as any other stranger.

Why are people imagining the homeless person is going to kidnap the daughter in front of the mum?

I think it's weird to stop and speak with anyone in London, the beauty of that city is that people just get on with things😂

I don't know if the "beggars" have any interest in a conversation, maybe some do.

Yes, why? Often when walking down the street people will say good morning to each other, mention the weather etc. If you regularly walk to school, work or just for leisure you will bump.into people and sometimes make polite conversation. Same at bus stop or train station. Have you honestly never had a short conversation with a stranger?

Could not agree before. Heaven forbid people actually like to do nice things.

I don't think that will happen.

But I don't think it's a good idea to teach girls to talk to random men who potentially have drug/alcohol/complex mental health issues ...nor is it a good idea to give them any indication that they hold any form of responsibility to grown adults with problematic lives. Yes the reasons maybe sad...but there are many many others ways to teach children compassion.

These sort of interactions you've described are natural and spontaneous...not a forced approaching of a person and engaging with them about their lives...most people don't do that. Absolutely everyone you walk past in the street will have a problem of some sort....do you strike up conversation with them all about their problems? Or just the ones who look disheveled?