To think my friend should be teaching her child better stranger awareness

[Clariy]

Hi all, so yesterday I was out with my friend and her daughter. Her daughter, her daughter is 5. We were out in London. My friend is comfortable financially and a genuinely lovely compassionate person.

On several occasions when we passed people begging she stopped, gave her daughter a £5/£10 note to give to them. Fair enough if you want to give I suppose. But she also chatted to them and encouraged her daughter to do the same, asked their name, where they were from etc. Not in a prying way but like she genuinely wanted to know about them as a person. I haven’t really seen anyone do this, especially not with people in London.

I asked her about it later, she said that she thinks it’s important to humanise them and she views it as teaching her daughter compassion. I asked about stranger danger and she seemed to brush it off. I then pointed out that some of them probably aren’t really homeless and she replied “For someone to fake hunger they must be starved of something in their soul” she has a tendency to give answers like this. I then pointed out that they may spend it on drugs and she said “my compassion comes with no strings attached”.

I don’t really care if she does this on her own, but something about encouraging a child to do the same feels very odd to me and lacking awareness. Her daughter was also pretty confident doing this and it was clear this isn’t the first time.

I know some of them will be in genuine need, of those who aren’t most are probably harmless but all it takes is one person will intents to take advantage of her, or when her daughter is older, her daughter.

AIBU to think this is quite reckless parenting?

At literally no point does it sound like the mother gave her daughter any indication that she was responsible for the problematic lives of the people they were talking to.

“but there are many many others ways to teach children compassion.”
And yet what’s wrong with treating someone like a human being?

She isn’t doing anything wrong or reckless because she’s with her child. Stranger danger is about kids on their own talking to or going off with strangers.

Presumably, you don’t think it’s reckless for her and her child to chat with, eg, the people next to them on the bus or serving them in a shop? This is no different.

What do you think these people are actually going to do to your friend’s child that couldn’t also be done by any other adult?

I would hazard a guess that a lot more kids are harmed by family members, childcare workers, school staff, sports coaches, youth workers etc than they are by rough sleepers. Get a grip.

Why wouldn't it be fine to talk TO the lady/person in the wheelchair?? Quite puzzled by this as wheelchair people still have a voice and if they don't want to talk then they won't.

But like I said everyone has problems...do we stop and talk to everyone regardless of just the ones whose problems are glaringly obvious?

I live in a small town where we have a well known homeless man who clearly has mental health issues. I always say hi and ask him how he is and encourage my toddler to say hello as well and he will sometimes chat to us both.

I dont agree with stranger danger and instead teach my child the concept of "tricky people" which is far more sensible and logical.

That said i wouldn't give money because i am cautious of what it will be spent on and dont want to fund the drug industry. You should watch billy moores videos on YouTube he knows lots of homeless people and humanises them and is very knowledgeable about their issues.

I don’t know why you think she is asking them about their problems? She isn’t?
She talks about the weather, asks where they are from and discusses that etc.
She never asks about their problems, at least not in my presence. She also didn’t seem to force conversation, the money was always given before the chatting so it’s not like they would feel obligated to reply to get anything. Some didn’t want to chat, she didn’t make them.

To me it’s just the idea of striking up conversation with strangers, of an unknown mental state. What if her daughter does this when she is older and they pressure her into giving more money etc.

Ok I understand.
And agree with you.

Tbf she is very chatty with lots of people (we once missed a train as she was chatting away to an old couple about a film for example). She frequently compliments people as she walks past them (like oh I like your bag! Or where are your shoes from they are gorgeous).

She isn’t British so I sometimes wonder if it’s a cultural thing?

I remember doing this all the time as young child. I didn’t have extensive conversation with them - but definitely gave whatever coins and said a quick hello etc - my mother would be a couple of feet away watching.

I'm not sure it would be stranger danger as it's all being done under parent supervision, and many of the complex things that may come up by the time the little one is out on her own can be discussed when she's older.

That said, I do think your friend lucky if she's never had a negative response to this type of generosity, or at least one that isn't negative enough to make her wary of doing this with her young child there. Even as adults, I encourage my children if they want to do something like to do it with other adults with them as there have been cases local to where I am that someone is so mentally unwell and/or impacted by drugs that they last out to being approached with violence or they're entirely unresponsive to the point people think they're dead or other things I wouldn't want to risk with a 5 year old - there are other ways to teach little ones about generosity and the value of all humans, there are ways to treat others as humans other than giving them money and asking personal questions (and I view asking people where they're from to be a personal question, and if you're in an area where there has been a lot of animosity towards immigrants like I'm in, it can be a very loaded personal question).

Yet your husband assumes if he doesn’t give them a fiver they’ll go and rob someone? Not sure the sneering and judgement is coming too far from your home.

Why do you assume that unless we do thinks your way we are teaching our children to look down on homeless people? Weird way to think.

I wonder if people are more open to her “where are you from” question as she also isn’t British and has an accent and a more tanned shade of olive skin so may feel less threatening than a clearly white-British person asking?

Absolutely this. She sounds lovely and genuinely caring.

When my kids were young I taught them that they could talk to anyone AS LONG AS I OŔ GRANDMA WERE WITH THEM. They are in no danger with a trusted adult present so I don't see how the child in THE OP was at risk or needed to be worried about strangers.

The only person who I had bother with ( as in sexual abuse) was my grandmothers husband who she had married in 1935 ( many many years before I was born) so he obviously WASNT a stranger

“my compassion comes with no strings attached”.

Excellent. So she can happily declare to all and sundry that she facilitated the bag of gear that ended some addict's life. Because that's what her 'compassion' can be - she's buying the bullets, loading the gun and handing it to them. Even if she talks about help they could access, that just changes it to more of a Russian Roulette to be played with their lives; take the red door and you buy a Tesco Meal Deal and a bus ticket to the outreach programme, take the blue door and you buy the death round the back of the car park by the bins, covered with rat shit.

Maybe she should leave her name and phone number so that relatives can invite her to the funerals?

We do the same with our children. I agree with your friend completely. (FYI you never know who will and won’t spend the money on drugs and that’s not our decision to judge).

also you don’t teach children “stranger danger” you teach them situational awareness. All strangers aren’t a danger. You teach them situational awareness so that they can assess situations themselves

I stop and talk to people if I think they need help that I can offer, including homeless people (but also people reaching high shelves at the supermarket, people looking lost etc).

She could host the wakes in her husbands restaurant, for free of course.

Maybe pps husband who doesn’t care what it’s spent on as long as he prevents a robbery, could pull a shift waiting on.

You asked if people would strike up conversation with random men in the street and encourage their daughters to do so. You never specified what the conversation would be about. I answered your question. Yes I do and would encourage my daughters to pass the time of day by saying good morning, a quick chat about the weather etc. It dosent matter if they are male or female. I never mentioned asking them about their problems or what they looked like, that's all you. It is a strange attitude that you seem to think that all men are evil or have some kind of mental health problem.

@CountryQueen you misinterpret, I didn't say he thinks everyone who is homeless is a thief, i said he doesn't care what they do with the money. The general response from people who do not give money to homeless people is 'but they will only spend it on drink and drugs' which happily coincides with them keeping their money for themselves. Some people (like DH) would argue back that it is up to the person in need how they want to spend the money. It's a fair perspective. As for the idea of drug addicts robbing people to buy drugs, that is well documented and not a concept DH invented.

She isn’t British so I sometimes wonder if it’s a cultural thing?

Where's she from?

And no it won't be 'outing', given how much you've already told us.

I agree.

Her mother is Italian, her father is Lebanese.

If you look at who commits violent/sexual crime at a higher rate, then yes it very much matters whether it's a man or woman.

And I think it's worth bearing in mind that mental health provision in this country is absolutely woeful and unfortunately this has meant that people are not properly supported or taking necessary medication thus making some, not all obviously, potentially prone to violence. And it's also worth bearing in mind that addicts are often desperate and will stop at nothing to get the money they need. Doesn't mean these situations aren't sad or we can't feel compassion for those people ...but does mean we should exercise some caution.