Best friend has ghosted me

[ThatTwinklyEagle]

I’ve had a close best friend for about 17 years, since uni. We were always inseparable back then, and then she moved away to London for a job. That was always fine, I’d go visit, we’d message almost every day, she came to see me, all good.

Over the past 3 years, I’ve gotten engaged & married, and had a baby. She was the maid of honour at my wedding. She has absolutely no interest in ever getting married or having kids, in fact, she thinks getting married is some weird thing women do because we feel we have to due to the patriarchy, etc. She has made this very clear. But she gets on great with DH just FYI.

Over these past few years I’ve noticed we’ve really drifted apart which has made me really sad. It was great at the wedding, like we’d never been apart, but I’ve only seen her once since, almost a year ago. She now takes weeks to reply to a message. I have invited her to stay like she used to, and she told me she’s ’going through a lot’ (recently moved house and had some issues with sister) but according to social media is still managing to go out with friends, on dates, get tattoos, etc.

I recently voicenoted her to ask if everything was ok between us as I felt we hadn’t really connected in ages, and she has not replied for about 6 weeks despite me asking her if she had listened etc. The only message I’ve had in this time from her, was from a group chat with a couple of other friends we have, to ask if I’d be around on a specific weekend in July as they had plans to do something together then. This would be my anniversary weekend (you’d think she might remember!). Clearly they have decided they’re doing something with or without me on that weekend. I felt quite pissed off by this and an afterthought.

I am feeling really hurt and lonely. This feels like a breakup. I am a first time mum and the hardest part of this journey has been how my friendships have changed with my non-mum friends. I try really hard to keep in touch and make plans, still go out etc & not overwhelm them with baby chat, but my DS is a part of my life and I don’t want to hide him away to make myself more palatable for other people.

Thanks for reading - am not sure what I’m really asking - has anyone been in a similar boat?

AIBU - friend hasn’t done anything wrong, people are just busy
YANBU - you’re being ghosted/going through a friendship break up

Friendships change when you have a baby. I’d just accept it for now and message occasionally. When your children are older you might pick up the friendship again? Your lives are just moving on and in different directions

Well it is shitty that she hasn't responded to your message.

I don't think it's particularly out of order that a) she didn't remember it was your anniversary (i don't remember the dates of weddings I've been a bridesmaid at) or b) that they're still planning on doing something even though you're not available as that might be the only date that works.

It’s hard and sad, I know. I don’t think your friend should be ignoring your messages. She should be up front about it. But it doesn’t look like she’s going to be, so look after you, realise you have to accept it and try to move forwards. She doesn’t want to be part of the life you have now and you can’t make her.

I don’t think your friends should be expected to plan around your anniversary, however.

Aww OP I'm sorry. It sounds like you did everything 'right' but for whatever reason she's decided the friendship has run it's course. It's so hurtful when this happens.

You say She has absolutely no interest in ever getting married or having kids, then you also say you've started noticing the change in the years since you got engaged and had some pretty major life changes.

My first thought is that friend in fact is very much interested in having the kind of life you now lead and is putting up an act. The lady doth protest too much, etc.

Obviously ghosting not okay, but what struck me reading your OP is that your friend's might be envious/struggling.

Edited to add I think it's unusual to remember friend's wedding anniversaries. I certainly don't, and wouldn't attach too much significance to it.

I feel really sad for you. I understand how painful
It is.
Your friend hasn’t done anything wrong and your not being unreasonable to mourn the shift in the friendship.

it’s just that for now you’ve grown apart and are on different paths.

Its so incredibly common.
Keep in touch. Cherish the friendship that was and focus on meeting friends who are currently on your path.
Mel Robbins in the “let them theory” talks a lot about friendships. I found it helpful.

I guess OP's point is that she's clearly not a priority since if there was a genuine intention to include her, that isn't a date which works. I wouldn't expect my friends to remember my wedding anniversary but if they genuinely wanted to include me I'd expect us all to try and find another date that worked for me too instead of just saying 'oh well, we're going ahead anyway'. By going aged anyway they're signalling to OP that it's not important to them that she be there.

How did they come up with that as being the only date that works though.. she obviously wasn't involved in that initial discussion!

OP I think it happens to us all to an extent. I hardly ever see my best friend now..but I don't think she's ever left me on read for six weeks! I'd call that out to be honest.

It’s always tough when friends grow apart but I do think it’s unreasonable to expect friends to remember your anniversary. I’ve been in weddings not so many years ago and have no idea now what the date would have been. It’s hard to get a group together and they’ve obviously thought of you and wanted to include you as they’ve invited you. There’s also nothing stopping you going and celebrating your anniversary with your husband the day/weekend before/after, especially if they are friends you don’t get to say frequently.

I agree with this. It sounds as though you want all the benefits of your old relationship with her but for it to fit around your new expanding life without acknowledging that things had fundamentally changed. That impacts both of you. Not unreasonable to want but unlikely to happen. There is a lot of weight of expectation behind your choice of words (you’d think she’d remember, for example). That sort of pressure can break relationships. She clearly isn’t getting what she used to from your relationship. She has been pretty rude about it but you’ve also created pressure there. My dearest friend from similar time hates texting and phoning and is hard to meet up with. When we do it’s like it always was, so I accept her for who she is. And she does the same for me. It’s fhat or relegate friendship to the past, remember it fondly and move on.

Has she listened to the voice note? If she has then that makes the situation considerably worse. If she hasn’t though it may be that she isn’t ghosting you, but is just overwhelmed and not prioritising your friendship. While that’s hurtful it doesn’t mean the friendship can’t be repaired. I also think it’s unlikely she knows it’s your anniversary though, and I suspect your upset about the relationship is making you sensitive to any perceived slight, so I wouldn’t take that personally.

OP, if I had a friendship I was desperate to keep going and was asked to attend an event, I wouldn’t decline it on the basis of a wedding anniversary unless I already had fixed unchangeable plans.

Say she does feel she has less in common with you these days (and that she never sees you without your DH in tow or maybe she thinks you talk about nothing else,I have no idea, I’m speculating). If they’ve come up with a plan for an event and you’ve stated your not available to see them, even though you’ve not seen them in a year, because you want to spend time with your DH to celebrate your 3rd wedding anniversary, I think I’d probably roll my eyes and crack on with my own plans too.

Thank you, yes this is exactly it. Just to clarify, she just asked me if I was free on this one date as they were planning on getting together. So clearly it had been decided separately that this is what they were doing, or else wouldn’t you say, ‘we’re thinking of doing XYZ, are you available on this date? Or what dates can you do’ etc.
I’m not particularly bothered by not remembering that it’s my anniversary but it was the cherry on top that it was this weekend.

LurkyMcLurkinson · Today 07:30

Has she listened to the voice note?

Good question. Is there a way of knowing or do blue ticks show when they've seen it, rather than played it? Because I almost never listen to them when I see them because I'm out in public or doing something that means I cant stop and listen, especially if it's more than about ten seconds long, and there's every chance I just forget about it then.
They are less convenient that both a phone call or a text.

Yeah, she’s listened to it. It’s very strange! This is what stings. If I received a message from someone asking if our friendship is ok because we hadn’t really spoken much lately, I would get back to them asap to reassure them or talk about whatever it was that was going on.

I think you’re being unreasonable expecting your friendship to remain exactly the same when you now live in different parts of the country and have very different lifestyles. Ultimately your life has a completely different focus to hers and you probably have far less in common than you previously did. I wouldn’t really want to go and stay with a friend who had a husband and a baby in tow, even if I got on well with their husband. It just massively changes the dynamic and however much people think they don’t talk about their baby all the time… I guarantee that they always do! It’s understandable; I would expect someone’s attention to be completely dominated by their baby. It’s normal. But it’s also often very dull for people who are interested in you rather than your child.

I also think you’re being very unfair and quite judgy when you complain that she’s going out, dating and ‘getting tattoos’, as if that means she can’t possibly be having a difficult time. There is a huge difference between going to stay with someone for a weekend and getting a tattoo or going for a drink. I also think you’re being a bit precious expecting people to remember your anniversary weekend. Most people don’t have their friends’ wedding anniversaries uppermost in their minds.

I'm not sure, maybe you need to be open to the possibility of your relationship continue but in a different way to before.

Just re the comment about your anniversary - I don't think anyone really remembers anyone else's anniversary.

Your common interests are reducing and you are drifting apart. That's normal no need to make it a big break up situation. You will find new friends through having a child who you have more in common with at this stage of your life.

Sounds entirely normal tbh. You’re just at different phases in life and you’re not what she needs right now. You’ve taken different paths.

It reminds me of the key relationship in Dolly Alderton’s book / bbc tv series ‘Everything I know about love’. The main character has to move on a bit from her main best friend, for a while, as best friend gets married / babies and it just is a million miles away from where the main character’s life is right now. Different interests, schedules, priorities.
There’s a lot of love from both sides, but each person is on a journey and the friendship isn’t the same anymore.

I would be dropping a friend that choose to ignore a voice note like that, assuming she doesn’t have serious issues/problems or poor mental health.

Your anniversary just isn’t that important to her, nor is your baby or the life you have chosen. She has chosen something else for her own life op.

I would crack on building up a great network of local mothers and start developing other friendships. You can stay loosely in touch when she messages you, otherwise I would bow out gracefully, you are on different paths.

I think YABU to expect her to remember your anniversary. I don’t remember any of my friends or even family members anniversaries. Your anniversary is for you and husband to celebrate your marriage, it has absolutely no relevance to anyone else after the actual celebration on the wedding day.

Clearly she’s either got shit going on she doesn’t want to or have the energy to talk to you about; maybe she just needs easy undemanding superficial friendship right now, and that isn’t the dynamic that your twos friendship has?

Friendships do shift when you’ve taken such different paths BUT there is no reason for her not to reply and keep in touch more. I had a similar friendship and while I had chn she got sterilised and wasn’t interested in any chat about home life etc. It was hard to relate at times. We drifted apart but later reconnected when my children were older. It’s not how it was but I still value . I made friends through work and chn’s school.

Friendship break ups really hurt. I tell a friend if I dont want them in my life. Ghosting is shitty.

How many friends have you told that??? Why? Curious.

In that case I’d assume ghosting, I would reply
saying I’m not free that weekend then I would
move on from the friendship. Life’s too short for people who can’t find a moment to even text a quick reply to a message sent in an attempt to reconnect.