Best friend has ghosted me

[ThatTwinklyEagle]

I’ve had a close best friend for about 17 years, since uni. We were always inseparable back then, and then she moved away to London for a job. That was always fine, I’d go visit, we’d message almost every day, she came to see me, all good.

Over the past 3 years, I’ve gotten engaged & married, and had a baby. She was the maid of honour at my wedding. She has absolutely no interest in ever getting married or having kids, in fact, she thinks getting married is some weird thing women do because we feel we have to due to the patriarchy, etc. She has made this very clear. But she gets on great with DH just FYI.

Over these past few years I’ve noticed we’ve really drifted apart which has made me really sad. It was great at the wedding, like we’d never been apart, but I’ve only seen her once since, almost a year ago. She now takes weeks to reply to a message. I have invited her to stay like she used to, and she told me she’s ’going through a lot’ (recently moved house and had some issues with sister) but according to social media is still managing to go out with friends, on dates, get tattoos, etc.

I recently voicenoted her to ask if everything was ok between us as I felt we hadn’t really connected in ages, and she has not replied for about 6 weeks despite me asking her if she had listened etc. The only message I’ve had in this time from her, was from a group chat with a couple of other friends we have, to ask if I’d be around on a specific weekend in July as they had plans to do something together then. This would be my anniversary weekend (you’d think she might remember!). Clearly they have decided they’re doing something with or without me on that weekend. I felt quite pissed off by this and an afterthought.

I am feeling really hurt and lonely. This feels like a breakup. I am a first time mum and the hardest part of this journey has been how my friendships have changed with my non-mum friends. I try really hard to keep in touch and make plans, still go out etc & not overwhelm them with baby chat, but my DS is a part of my life and I don’t want to hide him away to make myself more palatable for other people.

Thanks for reading - am not sure what I’m really asking - has anyone been in a similar boat?

AIBU - friend hasn’t done anything wrong, people are just busy
YANBU - you’re being ghosted/going through a friendship break up

Agree

Maybe 4 over the last 20 years. When you break up with a partner. You tell them it's over. Why should a friendship be different.

I’m intrigued as to why you’d need to do that.

Why? Nothing stops the OP going away just because it's her anniversary does it? Not a thing that friends should be expected to remember

It sounds like you are just at different life stages with a bit less in common which is ok and normal. I would keep things civil because you may well want to reconnect when your lives are a bit more aligned in the future (from similar experience!)

Just going against the grain, I HATE voice notes. I would really struggle with one that was asking me what the problem is rather than a phone call. It just feels a bit off as it doesn’t give me the chance to answer. That might just be me though, I find them way more intrusive than texts.

why don’t you text and see if she’s free for a call at some point so you can have a 2 way conversation. Hopefully it’s just perception on your part rather than the end of the friendship.

Not sure what there is to understand. So everyone knows where to stand. Because cutting people off and ghosting them is a cunts trick. It hurts if the other person doesn't know why.

She’s ignoring you for some reason I wouldn’t reach out again. The fact she replies to others shows me the friendship is over.

Just seems unusual to have to cut 4 people that you counted as friends out of your life.

It is upsetting. Put yourself out there op and build local friendships with women with same age kids. They can be really life enhancing for you and your child. Playgroups/ baby classes / primary school are rich pickings for new friends.

This started way back when she moved away. It’s nice you kept in touch remotely but you’ve made very different choices and are old friends rather than best friends and have been for a while. Your DH is probably your best friend now and she’s very clear she’s not into marriage and kids. Neither of you are wrong but you’re very different now and need to reset expectations. She’s not ghosted you as she still asked you along to this event, but didn’t arrange it around you and your anniversary as that’s not her priority now, just as you wouldn’t prioritise her over your family plans. Afraid I’m another one who hates voice notes, especially heavy ones. Take her non response directly to it as a response. She is okay and asked you to the get together. There’s no big drama that she feels needs discussing and it might upset you more if you both had to unpack what’s gone on. Better to see the friendship for what it’s been for a long time now and decide if you want that or not, because it’s never going to be what it was and that is quite normal when lives diverge from distance and shared experiences so much.

Not really. How many have you stayed close friends with everyone in your whole life. From the sounds of it. You'd just ghost them.

she should respond to you. However, she’s clearly got her own issues which are no doubt impacting the way she’s (not) reacting right now. Your comment about her and your friends not picking up on your anniversary makes me think perhaps you’ve been a little self-absorbed. I personally would not expect anyone else to remember the date I got married, or make arrangements around it. Your friends invited you to go and it looks as if you’ve decided not to, which is your choice but you can’t blame them.

Sorry to hear this op. I’m married with kids and ghosted a very good friend who was/is unmarried and no children. I started to find her too much as I found her really intense for me (she hadn’t changed at all - it was more me that changed after having kids) and thought I couldn’t take her any longer. I just stopped wanting to spend time and money on going to see her when I could have done other things that made me happy.

I didn’t ‘suddenly’ ghost her, things slowly built up over a period of time - I kept going with friendly texts for a while even though I didn’t feel like I was happy with the friendship.

some things change and move on or drift apart but it’s not your fault op. It’s the force of nature. I’m sorry you’re going through this, it’s always very difficult when this is happening to you.

I have a best friend who, like me, has kids and living abroad. We haven’t seen each other for years but always keep each other posted on our lives. I wrote to her something that was concerning me about one of my DC but she hasn’t replied to it for two weeks. She does this sometimes when I’m struggling but would write to me everyday when I’m not. She used to be a lot more caring in our teens. I’m wondering if she herself is going through a lot but she seems to be quite active on social media.

Anyway, one thing for sure is that you can’t change other people and expect them to behave in certain ways, even if they’ve always done it. There is one option though - for you to change and start doing things differently.

No I’ve never ghosted anyone. If someone is my friend they’d have to really mess up for me to tell them I’m cutting them out of my life. Friends are still friends even if life has taken us in different directions and we only speak occasionally. I have friends I see once a year because of distance etc but it’s the same as it ever was when we’re together.

Having a kid usually always changes friendships with friends that don’t as you can no longer relate.
She may find calls with you a bit tedious cos you probably talk about your kid a lot / parent stuff and she can’t relate.

Or something might trigger her and she might feel sad or jealous.

Or, she may be going through her own battles, things affecting her mental health etc so may not have the capacity or energy to respond / respond right away. It may be nothing to do with how she feels about your friendship but about what’s going on with her.

Those people aren't friends they become acquaintances if you only see or hear from them once a year.

No I disagree. I might see them once a year but we we text or share photos etc. We send birthday / Christmas cards. You don’t stop being a friend and become an acquaintance. An acquaintance has never reached a deeper friendship .

I'm not saying they should have been expected to remember but if they were like 'hey OP let's meet up on 12 october' and OP said 'oh sorry, I can't do that date because it's my wedding anniversary' and they said 'oh well, we're going ahead anyway' instead of saying 'no problem, what date would work for you instead?' Then it's not suprising OP feels like she's an afterthought, is it?

I think take a step back and let this take its course. Too much pressure will drive her away. There will be another group get together you can make. You’ll see her there and be your old self, which might nudge things back to where they were. But you might find it never does. I have a friend who was great when my kids were little. Genuinely loved them. We have stayed in touch intermittently over the years (she has lived abroad with work several times). She hasn’t seen them for about 6 years now and has distanced herself recently. She cuts conversations short if they come up naturally. I think this is because she’s realised she’ll never have her own, so she protects herself by not wanting to know. I’ve just accepted that.

People change and go off in different directions in life. It's happens.

I would be dropping a friend that choose to ignore a voice note like that, assuming she doesn’t have serious issues/problems or poor mental health

I totally agree with this. It's incredibly mean spirited to leave a close friend on read for such a long time and to purposely ignore a caring voice message genuinely asking if all is ok. Thats not something a decent person would do, I'm afraid.

I see you have explained the anniversary thing and I agree that I wouldnt expect others to remember my anniversary either.

I also dont agree with PP saying that she must be bored with your conversation now you have a baby. Sure, noone wants to listen to anyone endlessly going on and on about something they cant relate to but I have listened to my friends wanging on for ages about "why didnt he call me" and " why cant I meet someone" etc - that also got a bit tedious after a while but I listened and supported them because I care, so I would expect the same back when its something important to me. Isnt reciprocity what friendship is supposed to be about?

I'm sorry OP, your friend sounds like she is fading you out. I also recommend the book Let Them by Mel Robbins, I think it will really help you process this.

Just to pick up on one thing I don't think anyone else has said yet - she says she's "going through some things" but you doubt this because her social media seems to show she's fine? Don't believe everything on social media. She sounds like an avoidant type who isn't keen on talking emotionally, so if she is going through stuff (maybe she isn't as indifferent to marriage and children as she said, as a previous commenter suggested) she's very likely to be hiding that and trying to make her social media appear all fine.

Or she’s just not interested in kids.

My friend? Definitely not! She used to adore them. She was like a doting aunty. I used to think she visited to see them more than me!

I agree with this. I don't think there's a need to confront her - leave the door open in case you are both able to reconnect in future. I know this is painful but you can move on for now

I don't really understand why, as some posters have said, people have the need to tell friends you're dropping them. Ok in the case of incredibly shitty behaviour , fair enough, but if it's just because you're at different life stages, then it's good to leave a possibility of reconnecting. I have reconnected with old friends when we had drifted apart and I am really glad we did.