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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Best friend has ghosted me

115 replies

ThatTwinklyEagle · 15/06/2025 07:03

I’ve had a close best friend for about 17 years, since uni. We were always inseparable back then, and then she moved away to London for a job. That was always fine, I’d go visit, we’d message almost every day, she came to see me, all good.

Over the past 3 years, I’ve gotten engaged & married, and had a baby. She was the maid of honour at my wedding. She has absolutely no interest in ever getting married or having kids, in fact, she thinks getting married is some weird thing women do because we feel we have to due to the patriarchy, etc. She has made this very clear. But she gets on great with DH just FYI.

Over these past few years I’ve noticed we’ve really drifted apart which has made me really sad. It was great at the wedding, like we’d never been apart, but I’ve only seen her once since, almost a year ago. She now takes weeks to reply to a message. I have invited her to stay like she used to, and she told me she’s ’going through a lot’ (recently moved house and had some issues with sister) but according to social media is still managing to go out with friends, on dates, get tattoos, etc.

I recently voicenoted her to ask if everything was ok between us as I felt we hadn’t really connected in ages, and she has not replied for about 6 weeks despite me asking her if she had listened etc. The only message I’ve had in this time from her, was from a group chat with a couple of other friends we have, to ask if I’d be around on a specific weekend in July as they had plans to do something together then. This would be my anniversary weekend (you’d think she might remember!). Clearly they have decided they’re doing something with or without me on that weekend. I felt quite pissed off by this and an afterthought.

I am feeling really hurt and lonely. This feels like a breakup. I am a first time mum and the hardest part of this journey has been how my friendships have changed with my non-mum friends. I try really hard to keep in touch and make plans, still go out etc & not overwhelm them with baby chat, but my DS is a part of my life and I don’t want to hide him away to make myself more palatable for other people.

Thanks for reading - am not sure what I’m really asking - has anyone been in a similar boat?

AIBU - friend hasn’t done anything wrong, people are just busy
YANBU - you’re being ghosted/going through a friendship break up

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 16/06/2025 00:00

DelphiniumDoreen · 15/06/2025 19:39

It’s perfectly acceptable for her to mention the anniversary as a reason not to go. It may not be her first anniversary but it was within three years and this friend was maid of honour at her wedding.

I honestly read some people’s responses and despair. You’re not allowed to mention anything these days for fear of upsetting or offending someone.

Show quote history

For the third time, I’ve said she can mention the anniversary. No wonder you despair at the responses if your comprehension is so poor.

Busymum987 · 16/06/2025 06:17

You have a husband, a child and I am guessing family?!

Your friend has moved away, is single, started a new life and doesn’t live near. Don’t take it personally.

You might make friends with other parents at groups, school etc in time.

Wallywobbles · 16/06/2025 06:42

Does she like your DH. I see very little of one of my BFs because her husband is a twat.

NarnianQueen · 16/06/2025 07:56

I am upset by the fact although she told me she has a lot going on, but I can see that she is visiting other friends, and has made plans with our other group without asking me about dates etc.

This is a minor point but…. This is why social media scares me, because people make judgements without knowing the other person’s mindset. I sometimes feel guilty if I’ve told a friend I’m busy and then I post pictures on social media but… the thing you can see online is the thing I was “busy” doing! If your friend has an active social and dating life then she DOES “have a lot on”. It’s hurtful that she’s not prioritising seeing you but I do wonder if you made go on about being married with kids a lot (seriously, nobody else cares about your anniversary) and she doesn’t want to hear it

Imrighthere · 16/06/2025 10:23

ChuckleDaughter · 15/06/2025 20:51

I would make any mutual friends aware that things are a bit strange between you and say you've tried to reach out but your voice note went unanswered, not in a bitchy way at all, but they may talk to her and get to the bottom of it if you're all in a friendship group. And maybe send one more message in the group chat saying it's a shame I can't make that weekend, would love to see you all another time.

Then the ball is in her court as you've reached out multiple times and told other friends that from your perspective, she's the one with the issue and not you.

I know we are all entitled to our opinion but I would not recommend telling other mutual friends what is going on. Unless there is a reason too “Oh have you heard of so and so lately” “We’ll I’ve tried to reach out a couple of times but no response so I don’t know if the friendship has drifted”

But I wouldn’t reach out and message the other girls to say “by the way so and so is ignoring me just to keep you updated unless she says anything” because they might speak to her and it might come across bitching

Imrighthere · 16/06/2025 10:28

NarnianQueen · 16/06/2025 07:56

I am upset by the fact although she told me she has a lot going on, but I can see that she is visiting other friends, and has made plans with our other group without asking me about dates etc.

This is a minor point but…. This is why social media scares me, because people make judgements without knowing the other person’s mindset. I sometimes feel guilty if I’ve told a friend I’m busy and then I post pictures on social media but… the thing you can see online is the thing I was “busy” doing! If your friend has an active social and dating life then she DOES “have a lot on”. It’s hurtful that she’s not prioritising seeing you but I do wonder if you made go on about being married with kids a lot (seriously, nobody else cares about your anniversary) and she doesn’t want to hear it

Just sticking up from OP, it doesn’t sound like this is just a one off where her friend has said she is busy or ignores her messages but has gone out with other friends. You are completely allowed to go out and about and post on social media without the need to respond to friends and can do when you’re not busy. But you’re missing the point of the thread, OP has said that this has been going on for a long time. she has made this point to say, she has had time for others over the past couple of years but not for me.

It is clear that OP is not a priority anymore to her friend, it is a shame but it happens. It is really sad.

I don’t think it’s fair to try and blame op By saying she goes on about her kids and marriage and that’s the reason.

Witchypooforyou · 16/06/2025 10:28

Do you even like your friend as you’re very judgmental and snarky about her. If that’s how you treat your best friend I can see why she would ghost you.

Witchypooforyou · 16/06/2025 10:32

pasturesgreen · 15/06/2025 07:13

You say She has absolutely no interest in ever getting married or having kids, then you also say you've started noticing the change in the years since you got engaged and had some pretty major life changes.

My first thought is that friend in fact is very much interested in having the kind of life you now lead and is putting up an act. The lady doth protest too much, etc.

Obviously ghosting not okay, but what struck me reading your OP is that your friend's might be envious/struggling.

Edited to add I think it's unusual to remember friend's wedding anniversaries. I certainly don't, and wouldn't attach too much significance to it.

Edited

Nah I read the opposite, very clear that the friend isn’t interested in weddings and babies hence why she’s stepped back. I wouldn’t make effort with things that don’t interest me. Rather pointless.

Witchypooforyou · 16/06/2025 10:44

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 15/06/2025 09:28

Also I don't accept that 'different life stages' is a reason to drop anyone. I've never hear a man say 'yeah Dave's not invited to the night out because he has a kid now and is in a different life stage'. As long as both sides still make the effort it's still possible to have things in common and have fun together etc even when you're life's prioritises are quite different

Very different for men as they aren’t the ones giving birth or need to breastfeed. You also see many posts on here about mothers not wanting to leave their baby because they feel guilty. Men don’t have this issue.

ChuckleDaughter · 16/06/2025 11:14

Imrighthere · 16/06/2025 10:23

I know we are all entitled to our opinion but I would not recommend telling other mutual friends what is going on. Unless there is a reason too “Oh have you heard of so and so lately” “We’ll I’ve tried to reach out a couple of times but no response so I don’t know if the friendship has drifted”

But I wouldn’t reach out and message the other girls to say “by the way so and so is ignoring me just to keep you updated unless she says anything” because they might speak to her and it might come across bitching

Show quote history

My advice was based on experience sadly, when someone in my friendship group of women went funny with me.

I think it's important to make it clear that the other person is the one with the issue. It was definitely a good idea for me to do so with our mutual friends. But yes I agree you have to be careful that it doesn't come across as bitching and just stick to the facts.

Imrighthere · 16/06/2025 11:17

ChuckleDaughter · 16/06/2025 11:14

My advice was based on experience sadly, when someone in my friendship group of women went funny with me.

I think it's important to make it clear that the other person is the one with the issue. It was definitely a good idea for me to do so with our mutual friends. But yes I agree you have to be careful that it doesn't come across as bitching and just stick to the facts.

Show quote history

It’s hard to navigate isn’t it… I think the best thing you can do is always leave the situation with your head held high . You were always a good friend and tried to reach out, you’ve done all you can.

DelphiniumDoreen · 16/06/2025 11:30

pinkdelight · 16/06/2025 00:00

For the third time, I’ve said she can mention the anniversary. No wonder you despair at the responses if your comprehension is so poor.

Edited
Show quote history

There’s no need to be rude.

Mary46 · 16/06/2025 11:35

I think if you reached out then voicenote no reply to that just leave it now. Honestly op I stopped chasing people.. But you right we soo busy but they have time for others. I outgrew a few friends and them me so it happens

DelphiniumDoreen · 16/06/2025 11:45

At The end of the day, it doesn’t actually matter what anyone thinks. It’s your feelings about the situation that matters. Feeling hurt by her actions and lack of care after she’s been a good friend and maid of honour at your wedding is totally understandable.

Grieve the loss but look at things you can do that would make you feel better. It’s time to let her go and move on I think.

Edenmum2 · 16/06/2025 12:03

I honestly don’t think any of my friends would remember my anniversary despite them all coming to my wedding, so I wouldn’t be too upset about that

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