Best friend has ghosted me

[ThatTwinklyEagle]

I’ve had a close best friend for about 17 years, since uni. We were always inseparable back then, and then she moved away to London for a job. That was always fine, I’d go visit, we’d message almost every day, she came to see me, all good.

Over the past 3 years, I’ve gotten engaged & married, and had a baby. She was the maid of honour at my wedding. She has absolutely no interest in ever getting married or having kids, in fact, she thinks getting married is some weird thing women do because we feel we have to due to the patriarchy, etc. She has made this very clear. But she gets on great with DH just FYI.

Over these past few years I’ve noticed we’ve really drifted apart which has made me really sad. It was great at the wedding, like we’d never been apart, but I’ve only seen her once since, almost a year ago. She now takes weeks to reply to a message. I have invited her to stay like she used to, and she told me she’s ’going through a lot’ (recently moved house and had some issues with sister) but according to social media is still managing to go out with friends, on dates, get tattoos, etc.

I recently voicenoted her to ask if everything was ok between us as I felt we hadn’t really connected in ages, and she has not replied for about 6 weeks despite me asking her if she had listened etc. The only message I’ve had in this time from her, was from a group chat with a couple of other friends we have, to ask if I’d be around on a specific weekend in July as they had plans to do something together then. This would be my anniversary weekend (you’d think she might remember!). Clearly they have decided they’re doing something with or without me on that weekend. I felt quite pissed off by this and an afterthought.

I am feeling really hurt and lonely. This feels like a breakup. I am a first time mum and the hardest part of this journey has been how my friendships have changed with my non-mum friends. I try really hard to keep in touch and make plans, still go out etc & not overwhelm them with baby chat, but my DS is a part of my life and I don’t want to hide him away to make myself more palatable for other people.

Thanks for reading - am not sure what I’m really asking - has anyone been in a similar boat?

AIBU - friend hasn’t done anything wrong, people are just busy
YANBU - you’re being ghosted/going through a friendship break up

Life has taken you in different directions for now. This happens a lot. You have totally different lives at the moment but that doesn’t mean forever. I’ve got children (all teens and older) and am now late 40’s, in all honestly if a friend with younger children asked me to come and stay for a weekend I wouldn’t be too keen; been there done that and don’t want to spend precious time off with other people’s young kids hanging around. Maybe once your DC is a bit older you and your friend could go and have a girls weekend away on your own?
I don’t think you should expect your friend to remember your anniversary either- my childhood friends and I were all at each others weddings and I couldn’t tell you when any of their anniversary’s were and I doubt they’d remember mine! I don’t even remember my own half the time!
It isn’t kind of your friend to ignore your messages and maybe, sadly you just need to draw a line under this friendship. I promise you will find new friends. Some of my best and closest friendships are ones I made in my 30’s and even 40’s. There are definitely friends that come along for different stages of life.

It hurts! Take time to grief.
My 'best friend' did this to me around 10 years ago. No explanation. Remember no response is still a response.

She has no interest in getting married and having kids. All you’ve been doing for the last 3 years is getting married and having kids. You’re not interesting to her anymore. It’s shitty that’s she’s ghosting you but if she’s interested in going out clubbing and getting tattoos, and you’re interested in talking about weddings and babies then your lives have diverged. It may change if she decides later in life to get married/have kids, but at the moment you don’t have a lot in common.

I don't really understand why, as some posters have said, people have the need to tell friends you're dropping them

Because it then puts you in a tricky position where you dont know what to do for the best- should you keep trying to reach out because there might be something seriously wrong with your friend? (eg mental health issues, physical issues/stress etc) if you care about your friends then you would naturally worry about them if they just suddenly disappeared and went silent. Or, should you drop the rope and give them space. Its the not knowing what to do thats hard.

I've read threads on here that say you should absolutely keep reaching out regardless because thats what a good friend would do and they might be going through a crisis or depression etc Then others say give them space.

Thats exactly why people should make it clear to others what they need rather than dropping people who care about them and letting them guess.

I didn't see many friends again after I had the baby. I was the first to have a baby and they didn't understand that I couldn't go out a few weeks after the birth. I remember feeling lonely and rejected. But looking back on it they just wanted to meet up for drinks, they now viewed me as a boring non participant. I actually bumped into one of them recently and she went red and seemingly embarrassed. She's had two children since then so I'm guessing she realised how she behaved was shitty.

Thank you. I feel like I’m going out of my mind - ignoring someone is a shitty thing to do, isn’t it? And yes I’m used to listening to those kind of conversations for a lot of friends haha. Like I mentioned before, I don’t want to bore them with too much baby chat, so I’m always happy to listen to their topics. Thanks for the book recommendation, I’ll check it out.

Thanks everyone for your messages and for those with book recommendations and advice.
Sorry just to be clear, I phrased the original post badly (been up since 4:30 with DS) - I’m not annoyed that she didn’t remember my anniversary. I wouldn’t remember others either. This was a flippant comment.

I am upset by the fact although she told me she has a lot going on, but I can see that she is visiting other friends, and has made plans with our other group without asking me about dates etc. I feel like an after thought as the invite was very much ‘we’re doing this on this date’ and that’s that.

for context, she used to visit regularly, we always voicenoted, deep open chats are her thing, so that wouldn’t be too much for her.

I think you’re all right that this boils down to different life stages, and I have to accept this is how our friendship is now, and move on. It’s just very painful.

Hi OP

Yes not responding to a voice note it shitty.

Just to pick up something in your posts though, you've mentioned she used to visit a lot but doesn't any more etc...you've not once mentioned going to visit her.

What was your response to her message that she'd been going through a lot? Did you ask how you could help / when you could visit? Do you make the effort to go and see her?

Just wondering if she has been going through some stressful times, she did tell you but instead of offering support you've made it about you and your friendship? And she feels as though you don't make the effort to see her unless she travels etc?

I don't necessarily agree. It could be this or it could be that she feels disdain for OP's new life - I wouldn't jump to jealously and assuming all women just really want a husband and kids.

I agree with this. Call her out on her shitty behaviour, regarding the read message,but accept that your lives will move in different directions inevitably.

Also I don't accept that 'different life stages' is a reason to drop anyone. I've never hear a man say 'yeah Dave's not invited to the night out because he has a kid now and is in a different life stage'. As long as both sides still make the effort it's still possible to have things in common and have fun together etc even when you're life's prioritises are quite different

I agree with all the PPs saying different life stages or life just tsking you on different direction. It's really hurtful though and I don't know whether I could ever get past the rudeness and callousness of being ghosted by a long standing friend.

All I can echo is that this is sadly pretty common - I've had a fair amount! Sudden ghosting from a close friend and I've also been faded out by a few other close or good friends because our lives have changed up.

It's always shit and it's always painful - women are far less likely to be violent criminals but we can certainly be unfair and cruel. As someone who myself wasn't a great friend to my friends who had gotten married/ had babies I know the other side of it isn't as personal as you'd think. The life you're living is just so different and they don't get it.

Yep- I agree with this. I have a large group of close friends whom I've known since we were all young and single at college. If we had dumped someone the moment they went through a different life stage we wouldnt still be friends 25 years later.

What a sad way to view people you care about! You got married?- you're dumped!, you had a kid?- dumped, you bought a house?- Bye bye!

Its not physically possible to mirror life stages at the exact same time as all your friends so you wouldnt have any friends left if you adopted this approach 😂

Hi there, yes I’ve offered to go and see her too. I mentioned it in my voice note too. I have stayed with her in the past but it’s been less since I had DS as in the beginning it was difficult (over 4 hours away from me). She now commutes for her job and stays there for a week at a time (sorry trying not to give too many specific details to remain anon!) and literally passes where I live on the train, so she used to stop off for a night or two on the way/way back.

I’ve called her regularly, several times since she’s had issues with her sister and living situation, and completely listened to her without bringing up any of my own situation. I stopped since I noticed how much she’s been doing/seeing other friends, as I felt a little rejected.

I love this 😂 haha - you’re so right. It’s a shame because I don’t think I’ve necessarily changed that much because I had a DS - we’re both very arty so have that in common, I still like to go out for dinner/drinks, watch tv/films, etc. Just obviously can’t do it as much as before. But I’m not dead!

I kind of feel the same and I think it is very common. I have two long standing friends from age 7 and 13. We don't see much of each other anymore and I feel we've drifted apart, have different political opinions and really don't have much in common. We meet once or twice a year and text sporadically. People are very different from teenagers to having children and careers at different life stages. I don't feel I can cut people out it would feel like a break up after so many years but do feel we aren't the same people closeness and never will be. So you either cut off or accept it's just going to be a meet up every now and then. As you age and children grow up it may come back around again.

I’ve ghosted/told a good friend previously that I no longer want to be in touch. One was a friend from uni, we were close throughout our post grad and when I lived near her but once we moved, we drifted. She got married, had dc, I didn’t. She wanted lots of phone contact during covid but only wanted to talk about ‘the one that got away’, a mutual friend, which made me uncomfortable given she’d been married a fair while at this stage, 2 lovely dd, plus it was her sole topic of conversation.

I think (obviously, having done it myself!) that it’s ok to terminate a friendship. Don’t we usually agree that if our dc no longer want to be friends/change friendships, it’s ok?

Oh pack it in. This kind of thing really annoys me, how people always jump to jealousy.

Some women genuinely don’t want those things. I have never wanted children and frequently think thank god I didn’t have them, especially knowing some friends with children.

Exactly! Its fine to end friendships if you feel they arent meeting your needs or if the person isnt treating you very well and it becomes one sided or whatever, but to end them solely because that person has got married/had a child/bought a house etc is frankly, extremely weird to me.

I find it very odd that people would be so rigid in limiting their friendships to people who must be in the exact same life circumstances as them and practically, how would that even be possible?- how can you possibly coordinate every milestone in your life with those of your friends?- you'd be dropping people left right and centre 😜

Hurtful op yes. I would make other friends. I lost a 24yr friend. It was a lesson have a few friends. I think you at different life stages too. Had that too voice notes ignored. Not nice. Sometimes friendships fizzle out

Your lives have fundamentally gone along different paths

She should have had the decency and respect to talk to you but she's chickened out and tried the slow distancing

You have nothing really in common any more and she wants to move on/away
(happened to me too and she was also my kid's godmother)

I'm sorry

This is one of those circumstances where comparing it to what men would do doesn't feel that relevant. Sweeping generalisation ofc and sure there are exceptions, but from my experience of all the generations of men in my life, male friendships just aren't comparable to women's. My DH, who's about as far from a man's man as can be, will happily not see his 'best' friends' for months or even years and then they can all get together to do gaming or somesuch for a weekend like no time has past and never even discuss what's going on in their lives. That's perhaps an extreme example but it's not far-fetched to say that men's friendships are generally more straightforward and often operate around 'the third thing' (i.e. doing something together, essentially they both look at something else and talk about that whereas women look at each other and talk to each other more), so course it's harder to imagine them getting the hump about the evolution of friendships. Female friendships tend to be more complex from the off (all those dramas at school around who's friends with who) and can continue in that way, also being more affected by life choices like becoming a mum in ways that the men's can be less affected same as their careers are often less affected. I don't disagree with the point that it's still possible to maintain friendships as life changes, but this is one where the MN standard m/f reversal isn't so applicable.

I’ve been all the people. I’ve been the friend who didn’t have children but was expected to be more interested/committed/etc in other people’s decisions to have children. I just wasn’t and was aware of the unspoken presence of The Kids in meet-ups.

I’ve then been the person who had miscarriages later on, and found it very painful to be around other people with babies.

I was the person who had small DC, and had diminished contact with old close friends.

I do not expect my friends to relate to me in the way they used to. Even if I don’t talk about my kids with them, I am aware they know I have them and that they are important to me and so feel obligated to ask. Depending on where they are in life, this can be a boring chore or very painful. Either way it impacts on how they feel about spending time with me. I don’t have friends who just adore children because they’re children.

But I do keep in touch - never mention my kids beyond ‘kids are fine’ because our friendship didn’t ever involve kids - and as my children get older I am seeing them more again and it feels normal and natural. I talk about stuff we used to talk about - my cats 😂, shared friends, memories, latest crafting project. But rarely the children - this doesn’t feel like an omission at all to me because I’m not as all consumingly obsessed with them as they grow and become more independent.

This sucks. I had a similar thing happen.

Its like society decides once you are a parent, you are just that and no longer need friends.

Or if they don’t want children they don’t come near. In time your children become your friends.

I went from little miss popular to my children becoming my mini besties.