Best friend has ghosted me

[ThatTwinklyEagle]

I’ve had a close best friend for about 17 years, since uni. We were always inseparable back then, and then she moved away to London for a job. That was always fine, I’d go visit, we’d message almost every day, she came to see me, all good.

Over the past 3 years, I’ve gotten engaged & married, and had a baby. She was the maid of honour at my wedding. She has absolutely no interest in ever getting married or having kids, in fact, she thinks getting married is some weird thing women do because we feel we have to due to the patriarchy, etc. She has made this very clear. But she gets on great with DH just FYI.

Over these past few years I’ve noticed we’ve really drifted apart which has made me really sad. It was great at the wedding, like we’d never been apart, but I’ve only seen her once since, almost a year ago. She now takes weeks to reply to a message. I have invited her to stay like she used to, and she told me she’s ’going through a lot’ (recently moved house and had some issues with sister) but according to social media is still managing to go out with friends, on dates, get tattoos, etc.

I recently voicenoted her to ask if everything was ok between us as I felt we hadn’t really connected in ages, and she has not replied for about 6 weeks despite me asking her if she had listened etc. The only message I’ve had in this time from her, was from a group chat with a couple of other friends we have, to ask if I’d be around on a specific weekend in July as they had plans to do something together then. This would be my anniversary weekend (you’d think she might remember!). Clearly they have decided they’re doing something with or without me on that weekend. I felt quite pissed off by this and an afterthought.

I am feeling really hurt and lonely. This feels like a breakup. I am a first time mum and the hardest part of this journey has been how my friendships have changed with my non-mum friends. I try really hard to keep in touch and make plans, still go out etc & not overwhelm them with baby chat, but my DS is a part of my life and I don’t want to hide him away to make myself more palatable for other people.

Thanks for reading - am not sure what I’m really asking - has anyone been in a similar boat?

AIBU - friend hasn’t done anything wrong, people are just busy
YANBU - you’re being ghosted/going through a friendship break up

It’s a tough one. Same happened to me but it was friend who got married. I don’t see her at all anymore and it makes me very sad. We had a great friendship for twenty years but she changed when she met this new bloke. Some of his behaviour was questionable and she knew I was worried about how it would pan out for her long term. At the end of the day, she chose him over me.

I would say that you need to loosen the grip and be prepared to let the relationship go. It sounds like it might have run its course. I would reply to the group chat by saying you would love to go but already have plans in place for your anniversary. Hopefully you can catch up another day.

If someone wants to do something they will. You don’t need to coax or persuade them. Step back and see what happens. If she wants to stay friends she will make the effort.

I think this may be my intention - will have to make another one so I have two 😅

I’m sorry it’s happened to you too. It’s really painful. I’m moping about the house too, so feel bad for DH & little one. I need to snap out of it, it’s ruining my weekends!

What strikes me is how aggrieved you sound, OP, and how strongly you feel she’s the one doing something wrong, especially in seeing other friends when you feel she should be prioritising you, and in not having been consulted on the date for getting together with the other friends. I’m not sure that’s someone many people want to be around, even if the hurt is genuine, as it clearly is.

thanks for your kind comment!

Do you talk about anything other than your baby? Lots of women don’t realise how boring they are after a child. I’m sure the state of your baby’s nappies and how they can now wave etc is all you want to talk about but it is excruciatingly boring to listen to

You're clearly very different people now. The mum bubble is very hard for anyone to understand so obviously you're going through a lot.
People move on and she has done it in a cruel way. Sorry. Try and build a bigger network and that way you're not so reliant on one person.

OP not responding is telling you. You just might not want to hear it.

I would reply to the group chat by saying you would love to go but already have plans in place for your anniversary.

Though nicely intended, I'd fear that reply would underline the gulf between them and could be the nail in the coffin. It'd make clear that OP is in marriage priority mode and the friend forgot the anniversary, that they're both at different stages and neither is the other's priority. Which is fine if they're both chill about that, but OP isn't and friend knows that from her voicemails. Friend is rightly or wrongly keeping it light - not ghosting but inviting OP along to something rather than planning it around her. That's not the friendship OP wants and is upset by it. There's not really any getting around the mismatch, but it depends how much OP can accept that and roll with it, or if she'd rather let it go completely. If the latter, then I think mentioning the anniversary in the reply is one way to go. If not, then it probably won't help to mention it and better to just say that date doesn't work and maybe suggest others for a future get-together.

It sounds as though you want all the benefits of your old relationship with her but for it to fit around your new expanding life without acknowledging that things had fundamentally changed.

Wait what.. erm the benefits of the old relationship is the same benefits that exist generally in all relationships or friendships. You'd expect someone to reply to you and speak to you. 🤦‍♀️

THIS. Its hardly wanting "all the benefits of an old relationship" simply because she would like a reply from her friend.

Good grief - WTF is wrong with some people? OP has clearly said she's been there for this friend multiple times, its not asking a lot to expect a fcking reply.

OP- you deserve a fcking reply. All of us do. Its the most basic level of respect a person can give you.

OP I completely understand how you feel. Some people will tell you to get over it, you’re overthinking it and to move on - but when you’ve had someone in your life for so long it can feel like heartbreak when you drift apart.

Someone you once spent every day messaging, talking about important events, having them by your side on your wedding day… can become a complete stranger. Someone you couldn’t imagine living without - you’re now living without.

It is really sad but true, friendships change and people drift. She hasn’t done anything wrong, you haven’t done anything wrong. You were a priority, now no longer. It stings and it’s something I’m trying to work through myself.

I do think getting married, moving away and having kids are huge reasons for friendship changes as people go on different life paths.

You have reached out and voicenoted. The ball is in her court. No response is usually a response though.

I have decided to put my time and effort into making other friends rather than dwell on the best friend I’ve lost. In time maybe you will become close again, maybe you won’t. But get out there - make a new friend and remind yourself you had great times together xx

OP, it definitely can happen the different stages thing.
However, the ignoring your voice note is unkind and I certainly wouldn't be contacting her again.

Get yourself out there to groups with your baby and meet other new mums.

I have made tremendous friends from groups 25 years ago.
None of our children were friends, but our friendships have flourished and endured.

When people don't respond to messages and give excuses like being busy they are telling you that they're just not interested anymore.

Yes it hurts but what can you do. Just draw a line and move on. Go to playgroups, meet other parents at the same stage as you are.

Don't contact her again op, just let it go sad though it is.

You haven’t read my posts, I certainly don’t talk about my toddler’s nappies.

So she shouldn’t mention her first anniversary for fear of upsetting the friend who can’t be bothered to reply to her message? That’s just ridiculous.

A lot of people said that to me after my best friend drifted after I had a baby “maybe you became boring” “all the baby talk” I looked back on my messages and never even spoke about my baby, and when I tried to arrange to meet it was for baby free evenings.

Thank you and to you too @Moonlightexpress . Appreciate this!

This is exactly how I feel. Thank you for empathising. And I’m really sorry it’s happened to you too.

Thank you, it is a really horrible place to be. I’m at the “I need to stop trying to hold this friendship together and it’s time to move on phase” but I’m still really upset about that

Nope, she can mention her anniversary by all means. I'm just saying that a short msg saying she can't come because it's her anniversary says it how it is - her friend hasn't consulted her on dates because OP isn't a priority and OP is doing anniversary things that day because that's her priority. It captures all the issues right there. The friend won't be upset, she'll just think 'that's what I thought, OP is different to me now so I was right not to involve her more, fine, she can have fun with her DH and I'll carry on having fun with my other friends.' It's OP who'll be upset by that, not the friend, whose signals have all showed that she's not as invested as the OP. She might be intending to say something to the OP about voicemail in person if OP went along to the event, or she might just be hoping that be being nice in the group and having fun that way, she's letting OP know that they're still friends but not how they used to be and haven't been for ages.

Edited to nitpick - I'm not sure it's her first anniversary btw. She says over the last three years she's got engaged, married, had DC, so doesn't sound like first.

You don’t have to defriend , just accept that she’s in a different place. She has handled it badly and that’s not your fault. You have tried to maintain contact so the ball is in her court. As PP have said, move forward. In my experience friends come into focus at different times in our lives depending on circumstance, life stage, work etc. For now she’s not in focus but she may well be in future and if she’s a true friend and she can explain her reasons you may well forgive her. Time is a great healer. For now look after you and your new life.

It’s perfectly acceptable for her to mention the anniversary as a reason not to go. It may not be her first anniversary but it was within three years and this friend was maid of honour at her wedding.

I honestly read some people’s responses and despair. You’re not allowed to mention anything these days for fear of upsetting or offending someone.

OP you sound nice and I’m sorry this is so painful. It does slightly sound like you have given a lot of thought to the ways she has changed as a friend to you, but maybe not as much thought to the ways you will have changed as a friend to her, and what that experience may have been like for her. I’ve been the best friend slowly falling down the priority list as a best friend gets married and has one child then another, and as much as I understand it’s reasonable on her part (of course her DC should be her priority!) it’s painful. Realistically no matter how much effort you are putting in, the friendship won’t be the same as before you met your DH. If she’s decided that she’s not planning to marry or have children then friendships will be the primary relationships in her life (apart from parents etc), and she is probably looking for people who can match the energy of the kind of best friendship you and she had before you met your DH. That can’t be you any more because you have other commitments now. It would be nice if she could bend with you and let the friendship evolve as you both evolve, but it’s sounding like that may not be where she’s at right now.

I would make any mutual friends aware that things are a bit strange between you and say you've tried to reach out but your voice note went unanswered, not in a bitchy way at all, but they may talk to her and get to the bottom of it if you're all in a friendship group. And maybe send one more message in the group chat saying it's a shame I can't make that weekend, would love to see you all another time.

Then the ball is in her court as you've reached out multiple times and told other friends that from your perspective, she's the one with the issue and not you.

Just say it like it is.