What to do when one member or a group does not want to tip?

[Heritagehog]

Title should say one member OF a group, sorry!

So I have a family member who, on principle, does not agree with tipping in restaurants. She particularly objects to the 10% ‘discretionary’ gratuity being added onto the bill presumptively. She will not bat an eyelid asking waiting staff to remove the gratuity from the bill, no matter how well served we have been.

Now, no doubt there will be people here who agree with her that it is unnecessary in the UK and rather cheeky. I’m aware there is a debate to be had. Personally, however, my stance is that I would much rather just suck it up and pay the gratuity (unless there was actually a problem of some sort) for the sake of being gracious and not offending the staff (rightly or wrongly).

In a few months’ time, we will be going on a family celebration. It is a ruby wedding anniversary and 10 of us will be going somewhere quite fancy (well, fancy for us). The sort of place that has both an a la carte menu and a set menu, and two courses will probably come to £50 each, with drinks on top. I fully expect the service to be excellent.

I have googled the menu and they do add the 10% gratuity.

With such a large group, it’s pretty much a given that we will just split the bill equally between us all.

I will cringe myself inside out and die of embarrassment if she asks for the gratuity to be removed before we split the bill (and she 100% would do this).

How do I handle this? Should I approach the restaurant staff beforehand to quietly pay the gratuity upfront and ask that they remove it from the bill? Would that be strange?

Has anyone else had a situation like this before?

I’m not really interested in being right or fair in this scenario, my main objective is to have a happy evening where nobody is annoyed, embarrassed or offended.

I never tip in the UK, I find it odd and old fashioned, it's a hangover from the days before the NMW.

Do people still tip in those places where you do it all yourself apart from cook the food.

Can you and everyone else in your group make a big deal of leaving a tip so "non tipper" just looks like a total arse when she doesn't??? That way the serving staff know it's a case of her and not the rest of you being miserly.
Appreciate tippng is becoming less common now anyway as we're all skint.

I think it's also an American thing where you'd are important to the staff as it pays their wages. It's different here in the UK as staff will be on a salary regardless.
When I've worked in restaurants I've always seen it as a not to be expected bonus.

Easily influenced and sheep basically

In the UK restaurant staff get paid per hour unlike the US, so they aren’t using tips to top on their wages, it’s an added bonus.

While I do actually tip (unless service/food has been horrendous) I think that like so many things, this way of doing things has been adopted in the U.K. through watching American tv and films, in which this is standard practise. Like you say, it’s a completely different way of doing things regarding pay, which just isn’t the same here, but now it has become the norm so you appear tight, or even overly harsh to the staff if you don’t, despite them not being in the same boat as their American counterparts.

You’re also right about why do waiting staff get these daily bonuses and other workers in lower paid jobs don’t?

But why only restaurant staff? Plenty of other jobs are paid min wage.

I think it’s more embarrassing to continue a trend because you feel pressure to adhere to social norms. Sheep just following sheep comes to mind.

There is no need for a big drama, just ask to take the 10% off first and then whoever wants to leave a tip leave one after in cash.

Having worked for quite a few restaurants in the London I can 100% tell you the included tip does not always go to staff. Mostly in my experience it doesn't.

I’m lucky I don’t really care if I come across as tight, I’m not going to do something I don’t agree with just because others feel forced to do it, that’s on them. I doubt these people that tip restaurant staff are tipping every bar tender after they’ve ordered a drink or Uber driver or Deliveroo driver? Where does it end though? I know people that tip their hairdressers, barbers, beautician, window cleaner and now they are even buying teacher gifts, which I find more performative than anything else.

Should also say what about the other workers in the restaurant? Mainly the chefs? Surely they should get a tip since they are the ones making the food. What about the kitchen porters? Dishwashers? Both which will be on minimum wage. Cleaning staff, hostess? All those people contribute to the dinning experience but so what about them?

I'll throw my sixpence worth in here, I'd ask the group (or a few select individuals), then phone ahead. If the majority are in favour then include the tip, if not exclude.
I'd make a big thing about then stating what decision is made prior to going out, bugger the consequences as it's your parents evening - not anyone else.
Siblings can be a nightmare, brought up with the same environment, but completely different set of morals, I could go on with nature/nurture but it's too early and I've only had 2 double espressos so far....

This is the sort of thing that makes me hate group meals out. In general, I think tipping is outdated and distorts wages so I wish it would go away. But I wouldn't disrupt a special dinner to make a point about it. The only solution I can see is that the non-tipper pays her bill separately - preferably quietly and without too much fuss. Could you have a word with her beforehand?

I almost always tip. However - tips are discretionary and not a requirement. Your friend is allowed to not want to tip, and anyone who does tip can give as much (or little) as they want. When I was a waitress it was nice to receive, but not an expectation and I didn’t think any less of a table that didn’t. If tipping matters to you then cover her share and keep it moving. I don’t agree with PP who say it’s “the right thing” to tip, or try make her feel awkward for not doing so. It feels like you’re trying to make something major out of a non-issue: the more you tie yourself in knots trying to avoid awkwardness the weirder it will get.

Just because something's been accepted for a long time doesn't make it right! Thank goodness some people question what we do and see that things can be improved. (E.g. women getting the vote, ending slavery, fighting racism, tackling pollution, stopping child labour, giving free education etc.) Tipping is unfair (why some jobs and not others?), is a way to dodge to tax and distorts wages.

Because card payments are going through as earned income so have to show on her books and tax and NI paid

Cash tips are much more easily hidden

I would just add her part of the tip onto my bill

I agree with this! Let her have a separate bill and get on with it.

I always ask for the service charge to be removed from the bill and only leave a tip if the meal or service was exceptional, staff are paid a reasonable hourly rate now therefore I don't feel the need to tip.

I couldn’t deal with a person like that, and would never go out to dinner with her again after the first time she acted like that. Being tight is an awful trait to have. If you’re already dreading what should be a lovely dinner for everyone, then this speaks volumes about her and that she’s willing to ruin it for the rest of you. Incidentally the word ‘miser’ is actually derived from the word misery. Says it all really!

All tips are shared equally amongst the staff working - even the kitchen porters

Ive worked in hospitality all my life and I dont tip as a rule, unless the server went above and beyond. Why should I tip someone getting paid the same as me for just doing what they are paid to do?

When I was younger I did tip because back then restaurant staff were paid shockingly low wages, but with NMW enforced and many now paying living wage I dont

Before ordering, ask for your relative to be billed separately.

Not all places do tips fairly, surely it depends on your place of work? I’ve worked in many places such as restaurants and bars when I was younger, and a few places where waiting staff would get the tip and they were expected to give 10% to bar staff and didn’t or lied at how much they got. Managers weren’t allowed tips either as they were paid a higher wage in a few places I worked at, they were chains so might be different to independent places.

If the service is good, make a point before she says anything of tipping. Especially if the service you received was worth it!

I don't understand why some posters are so embarrassed to remove about not tipping? We don't need to tip here. The restaurants/pubs I've worked in haven't shared the tips out until Christmas and I haven't even been sure that the owners haven't kept most of the tips for themselves. My point is - I don't think staff will be offended as they likely don't even see the tips. Just like the staff won't care if you have tap water to drink. They will care if you're polite and kind to them though but I don't think tips are often shared between the staff as we hope they are when we leave a tip.

Personally, I would be tempted to ask for separate bills, that way the person who objects to service charges consort her own out and there’s no embarrassment for anyone else is there?
If she wants to potentially make a show of herself then that’s her problem.