To not love my SC the same way I love my biological children?

[annasdltn]

I have 7 yo twins. Sadly, their dad, my first husband, passed away when they just one.

My husband has two children from a previous marriage, aged 9 and 7. While the official custody arrangement is every other weekend, he has a good co-parenting relationship with his ex, so we usually see them more often—about half of the school holidays and most weekends, at least for a day. We’ve been together for four years, lived together for two, and got married this year, so I’ve known his children since they were small. They’re genuinely lovely—kind, polite, well-mannered.

I’m now pregnant with our first child together.

Here’s the honest part I’m struggling with: I often see stepparents saying they love their stepchildren the same as their biological ones, but I just don’t feel that way. I care about my stepchildren, I’m happy when they do well, and I want good things for them—but it’s not love, and it’s certainly not the deep, instinctive love I feel for my own children.

There’s another layer to this. My late husband was very successful and left a substantial inheritance to me, with the understanding it would go to our children. That includes a property portfolio which I still manage (same business he used to run but on a smaller scale) and other assets generating income. Because of this, my twins attend private school, have private healthcare, access to more expensive extracurriculars and a very comfortable lifestyle overall. Each of the twins will have access to a very substantial sum of money to buy their first house in their early 20s. They will not be taking a loan for university. These benefits do not extend to my stepchildren. Of course, I contribute to shared family time—holidays, outings, housing, weekends together—and the stepchildren do benefit in that sense.

So, AIBU for not feeling the same love for my stepchildren? Isn’t it biologically normal to feel more love for your own children? Or are other stepparents really managing to bridge that emotional gap in a way I just can’t?

What's going to happen financially with your joint child?

@Hankunamatatanot the point of the post - I’m asking about feelings towards SC.
She’ll be ok, will likely also have enough £££ for first house and no uni loans before my first husband’s business which I have continued running is doing v well.

I think you become scared by life, love hurts, there is always going to be a gap between people you meet. I think as long as you welcome the children, play fair as far as treats and holiday etc and include them in family life, that’s all you need.

I think instinctively adults protect children, you would pull them from a burning car, or jump in the sea if they were drowning. It’s still love, just not as deep or exclusive.

I think you are doing fine.

@Hankunamatata * because my first husband’s business, which I have continued running…

Will your step kids be resentful of the financial disparity? Maybe I guess. Particularly given there’s now a shared child who presumably will benefit like your other children, while they won’t. That one needs careful handling by your DH. Re loving them the same or differently, you will get people coming on saying for them it’s the same, others will experience it differently. Very personal to the situation I think. You won’t love them the exact same but will likely love them for them.

@Silvertulips yes, I think it’s what you describe. I would treat them similarly to my best friend’s children - I’d pull them from a burning car or save them from drowning if I needed to, but I wouldn’t sacrifice my own children’s anything (time, money, enjoyment etc) for their benefit.

there was a situation for which I did feel mildly guilty but still needed to make the choice in favour of my children. I’d planned to take my twins to see a show that they were excited for, at the same time as one of the SC needed to be taken to the doctor (non emergency but they were unwell). If I didn’t take the SC then they’d have to wait as both parents had important things on at work that can’t be cancelled. I went to the show

Depends, would you be happy for your new husband to channel a little more of his income towards reducing the lifestyle gap for his kids? By you picking up more of the costs for your shared kids perhaps?

Personally I don’t think this is good for the step kids
but now your pregnant what can you do !

would have been better to get with someone else that didn’t have kids really then expand your family with new person
but bit too late for that now

most peopel I know raised by step parent wasn’t a good experience
including my dh sadly

Ah in this instance I would have cancelled the show...health over enjoyment every time

@Purplecatshopaholici imagine they would feel resentful, yes. But then that’s an emotion that comes up in life and they’ll have to learn to manage.
I think in some ways they already do with things like Xmas presents but… it’s life.

Of course it's only natural that however much to like your SC, you would be unlikely to feel about them the way you feel about your own DC.
I care very deeply for my nieces and nephew, but nothing like the depth of feeling and love I have for my own DC.

I’d planned to take my twins to see a show that they were excited for, at the same time as one of the SC needed to be taken to the doctor (non emergency but they were unwell). If I didn’t take the SC then they’d have to wait as both parents had important things on at work that can’t be cancelled. I went to the show

Were you looking after the step child at the time? Who was with them when you were at the show/their parents were at work?

No, I wouldn’t. Because that’s effectively me paying for his children? Mathematically him underpaying £1000 towards joint child’s expenses (which means me overpaying £1000) would be exactly the same as me just paying £1000 directly for his kids. Which I wouldn’t do.

I don't think yabu at all to feel differently about your dsc from how you feel about your own children. That's completely normal and natural in my view. But in your situation, I think it would have been better not to blend families imo. It's very hard on your dsc to be the poor relations in their own home. This is your DH's fault really...he should have considered the impact on his kids properly before moving them in with you.

Ofcourse you will love your own children more than step children. They are your flesh and blood. Your biological children are lucky because of what their dad left them , it certainly doesn’t mean you have to share it with the other children. They have 2 parents too just because they didn’t make the same choices and money doesn’t mean they should take your children’s money. I wouldn’t be sharing it either.

@Shinyandnew1they were just at school, would have been taken out of school to see a doctor (it wasn’t contagious) - in the gap when private school holidays started but state schools were still in term time.

I suppose it all depends on whether you want a close family when they’re grown up.

@NormasArse this is part of it… I want a close family with my twins and I think we will be close. I want my twins to be close among themselves and I am absolutely sure they will be. I want my twins to be close with my youngest, although I know with an 8 years gap it might be difficult.
I don’t mind as much about the closeness between my children and SC. I am pretty sure the SC will be close to each other - they are now!

You aren’t obliged to love them as your own, but they did deserve more consideration than they have reciprocated from you and their father. They are in a difficult enough position already with their father living with someone else’s children who already have much more than then do, and now you’ve gone and given them a sibling who will be better off both with family and finances as well. It’s a shitty situation for them, and I do think that a decent person would try and minimise differences in opportunities available to all children in a blended family that they chose to create.

i wouldn’t reproach yourself for feeling this way about your SC. Indeed your DC are in a different situation to most in blended families, having lost their father, so you’ll be even more protective of them than if you’d separated and their dad was still around for them. It’s nice that he left them well provided for, and that they have a committed step dad, but they still don’t have the two parents plus step parents that your step DC have so it’s okay to feel differently about them and not really in your control. You can still be a good step mum and be there for them without needing to feel the same level of love. It’s entirely understandable.

I would be very unhappy if my half brother or sister was given a substantially better quality of life than me. (Step siblings fine because they lost their dad)

this is why blended family’s don’t work.

Your twins will never know their father whereas your SC have both their parents living

you are under no obligation to fund them or take money away from your kids.

of course you don’t love other people’s children like your own. I think it’s weird when people claim they do.

Mmm I don’t think I’d feel comfortable with such a large disparity. It sounds as though you are quite wealthy and evening up things like birthday presents would be kinder than shoving the difference in your SC face. Future very large purchases such as houses would be your children’s inheritance from their father but I think the obvious day to day difference would drive a wedge between them and their step siblings. I’d rather build a happy relationship between them for the future. You’ve chosen to blend families rather than just acquiring step children.

Blended families do work, the step children have 2 parents too. It’s just bad luck that they don’t have the money that her children do. We all make choices . She is the one with money so can pay for her own children and why shouldn’t she.