To not love my SC the same way I love my biological children?

[annasdltn]

I have 7 yo twins. Sadly, their dad, my first husband, passed away when they just one.

My husband has two children from a previous marriage, aged 9 and 7. While the official custody arrangement is every other weekend, he has a good co-parenting relationship with his ex, so we usually see them more often—about half of the school holidays and most weekends, at least for a day. We’ve been together for four years, lived together for two, and got married this year, so I’ve known his children since they were small. They’re genuinely lovely—kind, polite, well-mannered.

I’m now pregnant with our first child together.

Here’s the honest part I’m struggling with: I often see stepparents saying they love their stepchildren the same as their biological ones, but I just don’t feel that way. I care about my stepchildren, I’m happy when they do well, and I want good things for them—but it’s not love, and it’s certainly not the deep, instinctive love I feel for my own children.

There’s another layer to this. My late husband was very successful and left a substantial inheritance to me, with the understanding it would go to our children. That includes a property portfolio which I still manage (same business he used to run but on a smaller scale) and other assets generating income. Because of this, my twins attend private school, have private healthcare, access to more expensive extracurriculars and a very comfortable lifestyle overall. Each of the twins will have access to a very substantial sum of money to buy their first house in their early 20s. They will not be taking a loan for university. These benefits do not extend to my stepchildren. Of course, I contribute to shared family time—holidays, outings, housing, weekends together—and the stepchildren do benefit in that sense.

So, AIBU for not feeling the same love for my stepchildren? Isn’t it biologically normal to feel more love for your own children? Or are other stepparents really managing to bridge that emotional gap in a way I just can’t?

Sounds like to me there is enough money for all the kids- why not spread the wealth?

I'm not sure in your shoes I would of got married again .
Will your new child be going to private school
Will your husband be paying for that ..but not paying for his children to go too.
This has the potential to be very messy

And this is absolutely fine until you bring a shared child into the equation. They are blood related siblings. Why should one get private school and fully paid off flats and their siblings get nothing.

and for that matter why should your twin’s fathers money be spent on a child that isn’t related to him?

The step children have two parents. They don’t need a third parent to pay extra. The twins have one parent. OP should only help her own children financially. The youngest shared child is a blood relation to the twins so they may feel resentment towards the twins.

I could have written your post word for word!

I don't care what anyone says. This is just another example of how blended families just don't work. I don't think anyone would be surprised you don't love your SC as your own and your original post made some sense, but every subsequent post makes you seem more and more unfeeling towards your SC and of course they will be aware of it.

As to the financial split, it may have had made some sense with two different sets of children but the new shared sibling and the financial advantages they will have from a man they are not related to or have never met is unfair and will be difficult for the stepchildren to rationalise and experience.

As to the unfairness re: Christmas presents, why? Surely in little ways like that it's easier to spread some of your wealth and even the playing field? It's not inheritance, fgs.

Why do people never fully think through their circumstances before remarrying and having more kids? It's so unfair to the children involved to have no choice in their living situation and that's without the added complications of inheritance, large financial windfalls and new half-siblings.

I think it’s also worth remembering @annasdltn that your own children have experienced the death of a parent and presumably experienced having a very sad mother for a part of the life. In many ways, they are worse off as your DH’s children both have their parents alive.

It makes sense that you love your own DC more and also that they’re close to your DH - they’re not splitting their time as they’ve lost their father, so probably leaning on him more.

I would love my own DC more, for sure, and I wouldn’t want to step on the toes of the parents… it’s nice to hear you think the mum is nice.

OP if the situation was reversed and your children were the step-children living with a stepdad who prioritised taking his kids to a show over taking one of them to the doctor when they were ill, and your children would be the ones watching their step-siblings get private everything and university and house paid for while your children didn’t, how would you feel about it?

How different does Christmas look for the children in your house @annasdltn?

Say it’s a year when you both have the SC on Christmas morning. How do their presents and experiences differ?

To be fair they have two parents who need to financially provide for them, its not your role too. I wouldnt feel bad about that.
youll never love a child who isnt yours like your own, its normal.

You feel what you feel; if you don't love your SC right now you don't. Perhaps you will in time.

I see a huge red flag here in that your husband's custody arrangement puts a disproportionately large part of the parenting on his ex, and while he does a little more than the bare minimum you say that's because of his good relationship with the ex - ?? He should be doing his half of the parenting of these children both financially and hands-on. Make sure he doesn't also shirk in his duties when it comes to your children together!!

Of course you love your own children and don't feel quite the same about your step children. That's perfectly natural. As long as you are still kind and caring and a positive force in their lives, you have nothing to reproach yourself for in not loving them.

Hopwever, the size of birthday or Christmas gifts having a disparity does sound pretty harsh. They are children, they don't know about property portfolios. Private vs state school won't feel as hurtful as "he gets big presents and I get small cheap things."

Things shared in the home ought to be fairly equal between all the children, not a two tier family.

I think you are doing your best, and the reality is that you have to be both mother and father to your twins. Your step dcs have a loving mother, you say, and a good relationship with their father.
Life isn't fair. It never was, except in fairy tales.
But I would think/hope/expect that when it came to day to day treats, birthday parties and holidays and nice bedrooms and things like that, all four, soon to be five, children would be treated exactly the same.

I think a lot of it depends on your partners expectations too, I cared for my step child but my ex husband wanted more and tried to force a relationship that neither me nor my stepchild wanted. It caused a lot of resentment between us and was a big factor in the demise of our relationship.

Its not wrong to not love your SC the same as your BC but there is more to creating blended families that arent harmful to the children in them than love.

Your DH has taken a massive risk in the long term future of his relationship with his children by marrying opting to have more children with someone that will create such levels of disparity for his children.

That's on him, and resentment may be "that's life" but it isnt a healthy dynamic to have in your family unit that you grow up in for the entirety of your life.

I think it is fair that your late husband's money goes to his kids. But that wouldn't include your new child. So you are treating it like your money. And if it is your money then it is mean to exclude your step kids from benefits. I would recommend putting some proportion of the money in trust for the twins, and then the rest should be family money, or at least the income from the other investments if not the capital.

No, I don't think it's at all strange to love your own DCs more than step DCs.

Getting on well with your DSCs is a bonus.

That is so cold.

No way I could be with someone who would do that to my kids.

Why are your children in private school? What would happen if your DH children want to go to private school as well? I would feel awkward being your DH. When they get older his children will surely feel resentful about your children' life style.

My partner of 4 years and I have 4 children (19-28) between us.

He had a bit of a windfall earlier this year and gave all four of the children an equal amount of money.

Mine were hugely grateful for his generosity.

He obviously doesn't love my children the way he loves his own and the same is true of me. But we made a decision early on to always treat each of them equitably.

I don’t think anyone loves their stepchildren as much as their biological children when push comes to shove.

Given the circumstances I don’t think your focus should be on your feelings for your stepchildren; I think your worries should be on the financial situation of your joint child and their relationship with your older children.

From one of your posts you seem to suggest that you will support your joint child in enjoying no student loans and a mortgage free property. Essentially then your joint child will benefit from a business established by the father of their half siblings (granted you are working to keep this business successful) money that their father intended for them. What will your elder children think of this? Potentially one or both of them might support this or resent this? That is the issue.

Relationships between stepchildren are not generally considered as important as relationships between half-siblings. Even if your stepchildren do resent their stepsiblings they can logically deal with it but your joint child will also be their half-siblings as well but I think if they have any resentment about their half-sibling’s prospects it will probably be directed to their dad.

I wouldn’t have got married in these circumstances. I hope your late husband’s business is I.e. your elder children’s inheritance is safe from divorce or your death.

My sons are half brothers with different prospects and it’s a source of real upset for me.

This set up sounds horrid. The idea a child wouldn’t be taken to a medical appointment so others can have a leisure activity is abnormal. Adults not doing parenting to all the kids equally because they’re not blood related is ridiculous. If you choose to blend a family, why not actually be a family? Why not just date until your children are all older? Bringing in a baby to what sounds like different families living together is madness.
The Christmas thing is weird. All kids should have the same spent on them. The private school is one thing if that’s the twins father’s money but Christmas gifts should be equal. Even if you include what SC’s DM buys as well, they shouldn’t be having clearly less.
I see since you’re managing your late husband’s business and its thriving that means that your baby will be able to benefit from that, which i don’t think is unfair, but it’s certainly muddied waters when the twins are of an age when they’ll want to know why their sibling is benefiting from their father. It’ll be a clusterfuck.

People who treat their stepchildren as their own. I do wonder if their biological children feel good about their largesse. Essentially treating a stepchild the same as them .

A minefield!

I also think it's worth grappling with the fact that soon both sets of kids will share a sibling, and you will be related to the SC through your child. Regardless of your feelings towards them, you are about to become more significantly entangled with them.

Presumably you want your child to have a close bond with all of their siblings, including your SC. Would it feel a bit different if you viewed them through the lens of 'my baby's siblings' rather than 'my step-children'?

Maybe not. But regardless, I don't think the clear-cut separation/hierarchy of kids is very sustainable or fair... They don't have to share the inheritance but this inequality should not be obvious to them when they're young. I think any shared experiences (holidays, Xmas etc) should be equalised and any extra privileges your kids get should be discreet.

Most people don’t love other people’s children as they do their own.. obviously that isn’t unreasonable.