To not love my SC the same way I love my biological children?

[annasdltn]

I have 7 yo twins. Sadly, their dad, my first husband, passed away when they just one.

My husband has two children from a previous marriage, aged 9 and 7. While the official custody arrangement is every other weekend, he has a good co-parenting relationship with his ex, so we usually see them more often—about half of the school holidays and most weekends, at least for a day. We’ve been together for four years, lived together for two, and got married this year, so I’ve known his children since they were small. They’re genuinely lovely—kind, polite, well-mannered.

I’m now pregnant with our first child together.

Here’s the honest part I’m struggling with: I often see stepparents saying they love their stepchildren the same as their biological ones, but I just don’t feel that way. I care about my stepchildren, I’m happy when they do well, and I want good things for them—but it’s not love, and it’s certainly not the deep, instinctive love I feel for my own children.

There’s another layer to this. My late husband was very successful and left a substantial inheritance to me, with the understanding it would go to our children. That includes a property portfolio which I still manage (same business he used to run but on a smaller scale) and other assets generating income. Because of this, my twins attend private school, have private healthcare, access to more expensive extracurriculars and a very comfortable lifestyle overall. Each of the twins will have access to a very substantial sum of money to buy their first house in their early 20s. They will not be taking a loan for university. These benefits do not extend to my stepchildren. Of course, I contribute to shared family time—holidays, outings, housing, weekends together—and the stepchildren do benefit in that sense.

So, AIBU for not feeling the same love for my stepchildren? Isn’t it biologically normal to feel more love for your own children? Or are other stepparents really managing to bridge that emotional gap in a way I just can’t?

Although I'm not sure money would be my primary concern.

So screw how these two children feel then? Their human emotions don’t matter because logically they aren’t entitled to the same as their sibling.

It’s a recipe for absolute disaster in terms of future relationships. I hope her DP is ok with never having all of his children in the same room once they become adults.

@Eldermileniummami don’t think DH loves my kids as much as his, nowhere near. But there’s certainly a difference between how I treat SC and how he treats my twins: he’s more hands on with them, he’s done lots of firsts with them like teaching them to ride a bike, he tutored them one summer when they needed help with a subject. Whereas I am not as involved, I guess because they’ve got 2 parents and I don’t want to step on any toes, but also I’ve got my twins to parent full time without them ever going away to their dad’s like SC go to their mum’s. That’s my guess on why the dynamic is a little different?

I find this hard to imagine. I have a SC (now an adult). Financially i have always treated him the same. In fact we recently rewrote our wills to state that I would always financially consider him one of my children in the event if separation or death of DH. His mum is disabled and lives in a council house so he will not inherit from her.

I will agree that I don't love him in the same way I love my children. I love him probably more than I love my gorgeous nephews, but less than my biological children.

We have done everything we can to make him feel as equally important as his half siblings and will continue to do that into adulthood. I think for a strong happy family creating such as divide will cause massive issues particularly with their half sibling. And I personally think there is nothing more important than having a strong family.

I think your own children will actually think you're making a bad decision as well because it will cause more of a divide. Are you not intending for your youngest to go to private school? Or provide them with a deposit for a house? I presume that as the money is from your first husband that you won't and that will cause major issues. But if you do that's equally not fair on your step children.

You feel how you feel. I don't know how I would feel about step-children, not just because they're not biologically yours, but also because you don't see them as often.

But what you've described above is just mean.

Your DH doesn’t love his SC I assume then? Something which you are OK with as you reciprocate it with his children.

I think it’s the half sibling that will be the issue, both from the sc and the dh point of view.

I don’t think you’re at all unreasonable to not love your SC in the same way as your own children - I certainly wouldn’t.

I’m not sure what I make of the other family dynamics going off! Especially now you’ve thrown a shared child into the mix. I think your husband is going to have some ‘conversations’ in the coming years with his children.

You may say 'that's life' but it is a very unusual situation where the financial disparity between two sets of children living in the same home is so great. It's easy for you to shrug your shoulders, but less easy for your DH whose children are negatively affected.

I assume that your shared child will benefit from your deceased husband's money, even though this child isn't related to him in the same way that your step children aren't.

If I were your DP, I would feel very uncomfortable at the rich/poor divide in his own house.

I understand you won't love them as much as your own but your tone makes me feel uncomfortable for your step kids. Why would they feel resentful in regards to xmas presents? Poor kids.
Another successful blended family thread.

OP it all evens out. Your twins children don't have a dad. There's no money in the world that can replace that, so don't feel bad.

@Autumn38id like to add that my DH is by no means poor. He provides for his children well. Their mother works too. It’s just that it isn’t private school and buying every child a house money. But certainly enough money that their childhood is comfortable and they’re not starving. Enough money for ballet lessons, fun weekend outings and to take them on holiday several times a year. But perhaps not enough for mortgage free flats, luxury items just because or private ski instructors every time

OP, I completely understand everything except presents - surely when it comes to Christmas, you spend the same amount (roughly) on all the children, so that the presents are comparable? I try very hard to ensure that my DSC get the same at Christmas as my own DC, even if my own might do a bit better during the year (they are all adults now). You haven’t said what sort of school your DSC attend - if they go to the local primary while your DC are at a rather lovely prep school, that might make for problems when they’re teenagers, especially if your youngest also gets all the goodness - I could see the DSC being rather resentful as they get older. No-one expects you to love the DSC like your own DC, but in terms of day to day living, you might care to level the playing field a little.

Its all very odd isn't it. Your kids get private this private that, your sc don't. It just seems all very unfair. I understand it was your late dh's money but even so. Share it out a bit more fairly!

You don't have to love them as your own but they are infact your family too so show a bit of consideration and common sense, fast.

I don't think there's anything 'wrong' with the way you feel, as in not sharing that deep, instinctive love.

But I think it's worth remembering that children (unless they are teens) generally have little to no concept of money/finances. So if the SC see your kids, or future sibling, receiving more substantial gifts than them for example, they're not going to understand the discrepancy or be able to rationalise it. They will just see it as those children being favoured.

So I think its probably best to disguise the material discrepancies as much as possible and foster a sense of equality, even if it's an illusion.

The children should always feel loved and included by you. I think the resentfulness over Xmas presents is unacceptable (that must be so upsetting for a child) and easily avoided. Even if that means gifting the extra things to your kids without your SC there?

And they are absolutely entitled to their dad’s money. It’s the joint child who is going to cause the biggest resentment. Perhaps even her twins may feel it’s unfair that this child gets some of their fathers money when they aren’t related to him at all.

So you want your twins to be close to the new baby but don't care whether your SC are close to the baby, even though both sets of children will be half siblings to your baby?

You seemed pretty reasonable in your original post, but less reasonable and more dismissive of your SC the more you post.

This . They have a mum to love them like you love your biological children. Maybe if would be different if they didn’t have two parents / or if they didn’t have their own mum - but they do . I wouldn’t feel guilty

My sister has step children and she is doing everything she can to demonstrate the same love towards them as her biological children. I think deep down she loves her biological children more but she would never do anything to outwardly demonstrate that. It is just an extra layer that you do to make a blended family work.
In return her step children have total love and respect for her, probably not the same as their biological mother but they are totally reciprocating. The youngest SC follows my sister around like her shadow, absolutely adorable.

The most important years are in childhood, I would be very careful in creating divisions.

@Workisntworkingi expect him to be kind and warm to my twins but I’d never expect him to take on any parenting that he doesn’t want to (ie it is my responsibility to ultimately make sure the twins go to doctors appointments, have clean uniform, get signed up for the activities they want to attend). I wouldn’t expect him to pay for anything for them.

I think your twins will be fine, maybe over privileged re finances in the fact that they see they get treated better than the others which might make them become entitled if the disparity is Cinderella and the step sisters kind of vibe.
I think the problem will be with how the step DC perceive their future half sibling is treated. This will be awkward for your DH I reckon in the future and may drive a wedge between him and your step dc if handled badly.

This should have all been discussed at length before moving in and getting pregnant came into it. Your sc will grow up full of resentment.

I think you were really selfish to set this situation up and are letting down all of the children massively by creating this ‘family’

I don't think you can expect to love anyone the way you love your own children. You can love stepchildren though, deeply and truly.

In your case I think as a couple your husband and you need to put a bit more thought into the financial situation and try to find creative ways to go towards mitigating, even a little bit, the financial inequality. It shouldn't matter but I'm pretty sure it will. It sounds like you are in a position to contribute more to the stepchildren and your joint child without actually disadvantaging your twins. If you simply don't want to then I would question your commitment to your 'new' family.

As an aside, for years I really admired my husband's stepfather for the way he took on his stepchildren and stepgrandchildren and treated them, I felt, as his own. He's not a nice man in general but I gave him a free pass on other things I disliked largely because of this. It was heartwarming - until his own daughter also had children. Then things changed and phrases such as 'my real grandchildren' slipped out, and a desire to change his will. He definitely treats them very differently. I don't give a shit about the will but as an outsider looking in, my previous admiration has completely disappeared.

So do you think it’s weird when people claim they love their adopted children?