To not love my SC the same way I love my biological children?

[annasdltn]

I have 7 yo twins. Sadly, their dad, my first husband, passed away when they just one.

My husband has two children from a previous marriage, aged 9 and 7. While the official custody arrangement is every other weekend, he has a good co-parenting relationship with his ex, so we usually see them more often—about half of the school holidays and most weekends, at least for a day. We’ve been together for four years, lived together for two, and got married this year, so I’ve known his children since they were small. They’re genuinely lovely—kind, polite, well-mannered.

I’m now pregnant with our first child together.

Here’s the honest part I’m struggling with: I often see stepparents saying they love their stepchildren the same as their biological ones, but I just don’t feel that way. I care about my stepchildren, I’m happy when they do well, and I want good things for them—but it’s not love, and it’s certainly not the deep, instinctive love I feel for my own children.

There’s another layer to this. My late husband was very successful and left a substantial inheritance to me, with the understanding it would go to our children. That includes a property portfolio which I still manage (same business he used to run but on a smaller scale) and other assets generating income. Because of this, my twins attend private school, have private healthcare, access to more expensive extracurriculars and a very comfortable lifestyle overall. Each of the twins will have access to a very substantial sum of money to buy their first house in their early 20s. They will not be taking a loan for university. These benefits do not extend to my stepchildren. Of course, I contribute to shared family time—holidays, outings, housing, weekends together—and the stepchildren do benefit in that sense.

So, AIBU for not feeling the same love for my stepchildren? Isn’t it biologically normal to feel more love for your own children? Or are other stepparents really managing to bridge that emotional gap in a way I just can’t?

Of course you don’t feel the same about someone else’s children as you do your own. That’s entirely normal.

The financial bit is trickier…not because your step kids should inherit from your late husband, but because nor should your joint DC with your new husband. Is the inheritance in trust to them? The best thing you can do is set your existing kids up with a trust from their dad and not make it a thing that ‘you’ are doing for them.

We're talking about an OP who won't take a sick kid to the doctor when the parents are unavailable because she doesn't want to forego her kid's treat. So it's hardly surprising she thinks in these terms.

At first her son was a little jealous, a bit like bringing home a new baby. Her daughter was thrilled at having a new sister/ best friend and she is always picking up the youngest step sibling and protecting her too.
Her biological children and SC have hearts as big as her.

The children all treat each other as full siblings.

I am sorry that you had heartbreak. But it can and does work if the adults do everything they can to be equitable.

If the OP is using money from her late husbands estate for her younger child , I think her two children could sue her in later life because that child has no claim on the estate. I hope there is an independent Trustee who is looking out for the interests of those children. To me the OP is misusing her late husbands legacy.

Many people will tell you it's fine for you to love your biological children more than your stepchildren. Personally, I don't see biological connections as being superior to other relationships, although many people do. And if those issues are important to you, remember that your baby will be as closely related to your stepchildren as he/she is to your kids.

But there is something a bit odd about the way you frame your concerns, with a hierarchy of each person's "interests." I don't mean the financial side of things, which seems fine to me. But saying that you would always prioritise your children's interests over the stepchildren except in matters of life and death just seems an odd and rather cold way of looking at family life. Surely there are times when the stepchildren need to be put first. If you're always calculating whether your children come first, then it seems as though you'll never become a truly blended family. It will always be "us and them," which is not a pleasant existence for your stepchildren.

I agree, but I also think that this is on the husband. He shouldn't agree to this setup at all, I don't see why he is so passive.

My mum was a step parent to two DC the same age as me .
She was an absolutely shit mum..but give her her due she treated us all the same .
So now she's very ill ,the will goes 3 ways equally
The step children stopped bothering with her approximately 15 years ago.
I am now fully responsible for her ,I have LPOA ..it's been a nightmare.
They have been nowhere to be seen ..no help at all.
Yet I'm sure when the will is read they will make themselves available.
For me as a child ,being treated badly by my mum and step mum..I felt very bitter she treated them the same as me ,there was nothing extra for me ,no mother and daughter days ,not a crumb extra .
I have no relationship with these step siblings..and didn't as children despite living in the same house .
Which ever way I look at at ..my opinion is step families don't work

The bit I'm confused about is that you claim you can give your new child a similar future to your twins without affecting their money in any way, but you claim if you contributed towards your stepchildren it would disadvantage your twins? This doesn't quite add up. Either the only money in question is the twins' inheritance which only benefits them, or you do have money of your own too outside of that, which you can use as you wish as you are going to with your new child. It sounds like you just don't want to spend anything to even up things with your stepchildren. Honestly that's not a good look.

I completely sympathise, I have a step daughter and like you I care for her and want what's best for her but the bond is not there like it is with my own children. It's also strained more because of some of her behaviour towards my children, if she was my biological child I would be protective over her too but I end up feeling resentful towards her instead which is a horrible way to feel about a child but I can't help it.

it probably would have been just as appropriate for one of their parents to miss work for the appointment, as for you to have to sort out childcare for your other two kids and loose the money you'd spent on the theatre tickets.

This is a reasonable point I think.

If you lost your business or ability to work OP, would you expect your DH to step in and financially support your twins until adulthood? And to the same degree as his bio kids? Or would you be accepting that tjat tables had turned and your twins would be in a less privileged position than their step siblings.

It's doesn't sound like a partnership in the way you describe it. I can't imagine not loving my DH's kids whether they were mine or not but as an adoptive mother, I don't see blood as thicker than water.

I wouldn't worry - if given the choice most people would choose to have their father alive and present for their childhood over a mortgage-free flat, so your SC have an advantage your twins won't have

Re the theatre/doctor - if it wasn't serious enough for SC's parents to cancel their work things, it wasn't serious enough for you to cancel your tickets

I know of many blended families that don’t work so today they categorically do work is false

I'm sorry you lost your first dh @annasdltn. I think this is deeper than you not feeling a deep love for them in the same way you do your children and I think you are really good to begin to think about it a bit more b/c I think the disparity coupled with your insistence your husband doesn't do more for them by contributing a bit less towards the household, will be problematic down the road. I also think the way you speak about your step-children, honestly, doesn't show much care or regard for them...they are children. Young children. They didn't ask for their parents to be divorced. They didn't ask for their Dad to re-marry. They didn't ask for wealthy step siblings nor a new sibling. Please remember the issue isn't them.

You sound exceptionally very well off @annasdltn (please don't say you are just comfortable as many wealthy try to say). Would it really be a problem if your husband put a bit less in the joint pot so that he can save a bit towards their futures like towards a house deposit or Uni or give them more opportunities? Could you maybe contribute to particular things to reduce the gap? For example if they wanted riding lessons, surely you could do that without it taking from your own children?

I worry you see it as anything they need = less for my kids. That's not a healthy dynamic. They aren't vultures. They are children. What more do your children need?

I can honestly say if one child wanted something and another needed the Dr, I don't think I'd have made the choice you did unless their parent could take them on the same day, they weren't feeling unwell stuck at school etc. Remember your children are watching. They are learning how to think about their step siblings and people with less, by watching you.

I would worry this will all blow up. Especially since now their father's other biological child (the one you are expecting) is going to still benefit enormously through your first husband's wealth.

Sometimes in your tone, I wonder if you resent them? You don't need to answer that. Just something to be mindful of. I think this is far more than not just the same connection. Remember, you actively chose to be their step mum. That was a choice you made.

Perhaps he didn't think OP would be quite so exacting about the arrangements. Or perhaps he's just another bloke thinking with his dick and not his brains? They should both definitely have given it more thought before tying the knot.

I don't think OP dislikes the stepchildren. But I do question whether she feels ANY emotional attachment to them.

This!

I feel for all the children being brought up in this toxic environment. How incredibly selfish of you and your husband, why didn't you date and live separately?

Setting up a trust fund for the twins in accordance with their father’s will is fair enough, but your attitude to the SCs’ everyday care is frankly repulsive and is inevitably going to lead to trouble in the future. Would you actually tell their dad that you wouldn’t be prepared to sacrifice your DCs’ time, money or enjoyment for his kids’ benefit? You really should.
That’s not just going to lead to justified resentment from the SC, it’s also setting your DC a terrible example of how to treat others, and most DC I’ve seen who’ve grown up in luxury with everything handed to them on a plate, who constantly get the message that they’re somehow worth more than others, have been fairly spoiled, unpleasant characters (see Cinderella for details).
You seriously need to even out Christmas presents at the very least. And try having an open and honest conversation with your DH instead of looking to strangers online for confirmation when you know your behaviour is actually pretty shoddy.

Op - you say that your late DH left a substantial inheritance to you. Have you ring fenced this inheritance at all? Because now that you’ve re-married won’t everything automatically go to your new DH should anything happen to you?
You’ve probably thought about this already but you want your late DH’s inheritance to go to your children on your death, not your new DH.

This is a perfect example of why the rich are so fucking awful.

I think you're conflating two issues here.

1. Should I love my stepkids as much as I love my own kids? Probably not. Don't think anyone can fault you for that.
2. Should I give my stepkids an equal - or even unequal - share in the wealth that has been left to the disposal of my own kids?

Your logic seems to be: as I don't love my stepkids as much, I don't have to give them any of the advantages my own kids have.

I don't think that's right.

Wrong, actually, is what I think it is.

And I think it's wrong because it implies that in the expression 'my stepkids' you're more interested in the syllable 'step' than the syllable 'kids'.

Let me put the question another way. Do you consider the stepkids part of your family?

It’s sad that your kids spend a lot of time with your DH and have a closer relationship with him than you do your dsc. I couldn’t bring another child into the situation without feeling like I had a close relationship with his children and it’s cruel that his new child will receive better presents/ a more privileged day to day life than them. I think you should keep in mind that he will have to try to compensate in some way for them. When the baby is born he needs to spend a lot of time with them too and neither of you should be making selfish decisions when children are involved. Be very careful mindful of the psychological impact on his children. It is both of your responsibility now.

This makes you sound awful though. You and your children are extremely rich with an extravagant and privileged lifestyle. £1000 would be a drop in the ocean to you. Most couples pay into the family finances proportionately to their income. You sound determined to ensure that your SC never benefit in any way from your money. You've even said that they are really nice children so you have no reason to dislike them.

It would be like visiting the zoo with your children and inviting one of their friends and their friend not bringing any money and you buying your children lunch and refusing to buy the friend anything as it would be like giving their parents money. You would rather let them go hungry.

Absolutely This.

Personally, I don't see biological connections as being superior to other relationships, although many people do.

Yeah I think more posters need to take into account that not absolutely everyone agrees that biological connections will always matter more than anything else. I’m friends with a married couple who adopted out of choice when they could have had biological children, so clearly they didn’t feel this way. I don’t think they’d particularly appreciate being told they can’t possibly love their adopted children as much as other people do their biological children.

It’s fine to say biological connections matter most to you as an individual, but you don’t speak for the whole human race.

Why what happens with Christmas presents that would make them resentful.