To not love my SC the same way I love my biological children?

[annasdltn]

I have 7 yo twins. Sadly, their dad, my first husband, passed away when they just one.

My husband has two children from a previous marriage, aged 9 and 7. While the official custody arrangement is every other weekend, he has a good co-parenting relationship with his ex, so we usually see them more often—about half of the school holidays and most weekends, at least for a day. We’ve been together for four years, lived together for two, and got married this year, so I’ve known his children since they were small. They’re genuinely lovely—kind, polite, well-mannered.

I’m now pregnant with our first child together.

Here’s the honest part I’m struggling with: I often see stepparents saying they love their stepchildren the same as their biological ones, but I just don’t feel that way. I care about my stepchildren, I’m happy when they do well, and I want good things for them—but it’s not love, and it’s certainly not the deep, instinctive love I feel for my own children.

There’s another layer to this. My late husband was very successful and left a substantial inheritance to me, with the understanding it would go to our children. That includes a property portfolio which I still manage (same business he used to run but on a smaller scale) and other assets generating income. Because of this, my twins attend private school, have private healthcare, access to more expensive extracurriculars and a very comfortable lifestyle overall. Each of the twins will have access to a very substantial sum of money to buy their first house in their early 20s. They will not be taking a loan for university. These benefits do not extend to my stepchildren. Of course, I contribute to shared family time—holidays, outings, housing, weekends together—and the stepchildren do benefit in that sense.

So, AIBU for not feeling the same love for my stepchildren? Isn’t it biologically normal to feel more love for your own children? Or are other stepparents really managing to bridge that emotional gap in a way I just can’t?

My mum died when I was v small. I had a sibling too. I have a step mum, who came with a step sibling, and there was a 4th child added when she and my dad had another. I know she struggled with me - my mum was older than my stepmum (and I'm older than her son from first marriage), she took a lot on, she was stressed, she didn't understand me. She yelled a lot, because she struggled with a lack of control of her own surroundings and was working and studying and doing a lot. I'm not saying this is you. My younger sibling still struggles with the memories of the home dynamic. I've realised she just is who she is. The moments I knew she loved her son more than me were not what hurt me, the other things were harder. The resentment, yelling, not being able to do right for doing wrong (eg offering help but being turned down, then being called lazy/messy/deliberately making life harder, when we just needed some input and help to learn life skills). You may or may not be surprised to know those children will probably not view you as a mother either. We have a good relationship as adults, and also have really good relationships with step mum's extended family, who all absorbed us into the pack unquestioningly and made family celebrations and holidays utterly brilliant. What I'm saying, in a waffling way, is you don't have to drum up something untrue. They'll see through it anyway. Plenty of people provide solid strong role models to step children without feeling like they'd die for them - many teachers, coaches etc feel the same. It's not worth the guilt, OP.

It's totally understandable that you don't love your stepchildren as much as your own children. But I would really worry about the family dynamics as they get older - that's going to be an incredibly difficult situation for the stepchildren to grow up in, constantly seeing their step and half siblings getting things they can't have. I can understand it in terms of the big ticket items like houses and university costs, but to differentiate in terms of Christmas and birthday presents, or treats like going to a show just seems cruel. You should never have blended the families if you were going to maintain that kind of division in day to day life.

You obviously want a close family with your twins, but where does your husband figure in all of this?

Do you want separate family holidays/Christmases?

One of our great joys is our grandson, and the times our whole family (step/adopted/bio) is together to be with him. I hope we can do that for subsequent grandchildren too.

Its easy to forget that these children, whose lives we, as adults, currently control, will one day be adults with memories, and the choice to spend time with us, or not.

Will his children want to spend time with you and he?

I see. Were their dad or mum pissed odd with you for your decision?

It sounds as if you love your SC in a different way but it’s still love. I love my DC, GC, siblings, parents and friends but in very different ways. I think the word love is over rated, you show by your actions that you care and that’s what counts. I personally don’t think we get the all consuming love for anyone but our flesh and blood children.

OP what you describe is perfectly normal in my opinion. It's clear you care about your SC but not the same as your own children and I think that's fair enough. Do you think your husband loves your children the same as his own? I expect not!

Financially you are not obligated to provide for the SC either and PP who suggested you pay more for the child you share is wrong as you'd then effectively be paying for his children.

One more thing: the addition of the youngest was a really positive thing for us all. It evened things out (my poor step bro was always the odd duck, we were very different kids, as an adult I have much empathy for his experiences of it, I didn't see so far beyond my own experiences as a child). All of us focused on the youngest and derived absolute joy from him. The dynamic has remained.

It’s not about the step siblings. It’s about the half sibling. They have the same dad and yet one of his children is debt free with a house and a private education and the other two aren’t. Surely you can see how that type of disparity would cause a rift between siblings and potentially between the father and his older children.

I hated being a step parent for this reason. When we split up I stayed in contact with Mum (his ex-wife) and DSD, when I see her we hug and she has such a strong bond with my children. Leaving her Dad was liberating as the relationship was abusive, but not having to worry about her when she has a really strong capable mother was a relief. Financially the kids were all fine due to there mothers (not him) but yes I admit feeling guilty for my own children who needed me and I feel I missed time with them too.

I don't think I know anyone who loves their SC like their actual child. I certainly don't. Maybe I would if they'd lived with us full time and I'd met them as babies. But mine only saw us EOW or less, and were already teenagers.

I don't think the DSC need you to love them like your own. They already have a mother. I think it would be weird to try and replicate that relationship. I suspect in a situation where their actual mother was not involved it would be more likely that you would take on the motherly role in their lives, and you may then find you would love them like your own, but you are not in that situation.

it’s all ok op.
I’ve spent decades trying to make everything fair and square in our blended family but you know what- it is what it is and it’s absolutely wrong to try and make everything fair.
you will tie yourself in knots but it won’t change anything.
your step children have parents to provide for them and your twins have suffered more than any child should and their father and you are entitled to protect and provide for them just as your dh should provide for his .
your joint child is a joy for everyone but doesn’t alter the step children situation.
It’s also perfectly normal to not love them in the same way- they aren’t your children.
I love my natural child with my everything and love my step children deeply but it doesn’t compare in my heart and I’ve finally realised that’s ok .

OP’s DH will have 3 children. One of them will have substantially more than the other two. I couldn’t not treat 1 of my children so very differently from the others and therefore I couldn’t be with a man who was ok with that.

I don’t know how OP doesn’t have the major ick knowing her DH is going to do this to his two children. Gross.

@Conkerjar thank you for sharing your experience!

yes, I absolutely do not want to try to be their mother. They have a mother, she’s a lovely person and I think a great mum! They don’t need another mum. I think with them I try to have a similar role to an aunt or your mum’s friend. No punishing them or rewarding them, I don’t make decisions like can they do xyz but we can have a conversation or join in activities together.

They aren’t her children. He needs to step up and provide for his children then not put it on her. It’s because they’ve lost a parent that they have this money it’s not like they won the lottery. It’s life sadly. They have 2 parents who should provide for their kids same as op who will provide for her 3 kids.

Yeah prioritising a show over a medical appointment is shitty behaviour regardless of whether you love them as much

@NormasArse it’s obviously difficult to tell so many years in advance but I’m guessing the SC would be close to their mum / dad, and I’m just their dad’s +1 if that makes sense. They have a mum and definitely don’t see me as a replacement.

My twins are close to DH, probably closer to DH than SC are to me, but they don’t call him ‘dad’ or view him as a dad figure. They’d never ask his permission for things (although sometimes I’ll discuss with him what the boundaries are, especially if it concerns us both or the house). I would guess it’ll be a similar dynamic - closer to me and DH is my +1 in a sense

I feel the same way about my step daughter, 15 and have been with her dad 11 years. I care about her but it’s not the same love I have for my own.
Just to add my step daughter will also be financially much better off than my son is as she starts in life, her mums got millions in the bank and I unfortunately don’t, my son doesn’t resent this. I’m sure when your step kids are older and may question why there bio half sibling got more of a trust fund than them your husband can explain the money comes from you and not him.

How disgusting, those poor kids

But one of his children is shared and will have a substantially better quality of life. How could a father sit by and let one of his children have private education, no uni fees and a fully paid of house while the other two don’t. that is going to cause resentment and by allowing this he isn’t putting his existing children first.
blended families never work.

I think it's natural to love your own children more than other children. With regards to their inheritance from their father, well it is a tragedy that they have to grow up without him and that is their legacy. I would be careful to make sure that now you are married, the money is protected and ring-fenced for their future in case anything happens to you, so that it does not go to your husband to make subsequent financial decisions about. I would make sure that you and he are on the same page regarding all the children, including the one soon to arrive.

I think it’s normal to love your DC more than SCC, but that aside, your set up sounds hideously toxic.

I think you’ll find that as all the DC get older they’ll band together and no one will thank you for your two tier approach.

@Shinyandnew1both mum and dad wanted me to take them I think. Their mum may have been pissed off but I don’t think she’d ever voiced it and she’s previously explicitly said she doesn’t expect me to share in the parenting and likes that I’m more like a “fun aunt” than trying to be mum #2.
My DH knows very well that I am a mum to my twins first and foremost, and (unless it’s literally a matter of life and death for his children) I would prioritise their interests. So he didn’t express any discontent, although he did ask if I could take them, before I reminded him about the theatre plans.

You sound incredibly privileged to the extent your kids will have £100,000s spent on their education and future housing and you won’t even level up their Xmas gifts. Doesn’t even sound like you like them at all.

How do you expect your husband to treat your twins? In terms of love, care, money.