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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not send my daughter back to school? Her last day

134 replies

Zaina89 · 13/06/2025 07:05

I wrote a thread on here a couple of weeks ago that my 9 year old daughter was getting bullied, some of it racial about her skin colour and body hair ( she’s half Pakistani) and other snarky mean comments which has been going on for all of the duration of year 4 and half of year 3. Been brought up to the teachers and assistant head teacher a number of times, her teacher is fully aware. My daughter has also countless time told teachers what’s been happening.

we are moving houses and my son got a place at another school and started this week, I’ve been mentally all over the place worried about my daughter but I got a call Wednesday afternoon saying they would be able to give her a space thankfully, she starts this next upcoming Monday the 16th.

i did tell my daughter to stand up to the bully before she leaves, my daughter didn’t and wouldn’t say anything bad, she just wanted peace as she used to be best friends with this girl for the start of primary that’s why she’s more upset but she stopped being friends with this girl because she was being mean to other children and then once she stopped being friends with her she turned it into her.

yesterday my daughter went up to the girl with 2 of her friends as witnesses and said “ I’m leaving tomorrow and part of it is because of you, I don’t know what I’ve done wrong to you and we used to be good friends and it’s sad it has to end this way but I wish we could sort it out” my daughter said the girl was pulling sad sarcastic faces the entire time she was speaking and then laughed sarcastically in her face and walked off.

i think this has now mentally affected my daughter as she came home in tears, she was crying on the floor in my arms for over an hour asking what she’s ever done wrong, why she isn’t liked and if she’s useless.

i made the decision last night for the sake of her mental health I wouldn’t send her back in to the school as she’s starting her new one on Monday, I told her we’d spend today going to buy her new uniform and shoes and go out for lunch to make her feel better so she’s fresh minded ready for Monday.

now I’m thinking should I let her go in for her last day or call the school and tell her I won’t be bringing her back in because of her mental health due to this and that I’ve been in countless times about this bullying some of it which has been racial in the past.

what would you do? I understand full well, my daughters teacher asked her yesterday “ are you moving for the same reason as your brother or because of the other thing” she is able to ask this because she knows full well she has done nothing about it, she( the teacher) was hugging said bully at sports day last week and she comes out smiling and laughing with this girl every day at pick up. She’s clearly her favourite hence why she never tries to sort this out.

what would you do? Send her back for her last day or leave her off? She has stuff that needs picking up from school and also wants to say bye to her friends but is adamant she doesn’t want to go in.

OP posts:
MayaPinion · 13/06/2025 07:21

I’d send an email to the school head saying you’re moving her for the following reasons:

They knew what was going on and you failed to protect her

They continued to allow her to be bullied

They were unable to manage poor behaviour

They failed to follow policy and procedure

Systemic failure meant that your DD continuously felt unsafe

etc.

At the very least it might trigger a discussion on how to prevent it in the future.

And keep her off. Use the time to help her prepare for her new school. Your DD did right to tell the bully why she was leaving, and although she’s devastated now, she’ll be glad she did it in the future.

Growlybear83 · 13/06/2025 07:23

I’m always the first person to say parents should never keep their children off school but on this occasion I think you should keep your daughter home today. I can’t see any point in the poor girl going in to face a final day of bullying. I’m sure she will be much better off having a day with you relaxing and getting ready for her new school. But do make the current school aware of what happened yesterday and why she won’t be going in today. I think I would follow it up with a written complaint to the headteacher so that s/he is aware of how the teacher has allowed the bullying to continue. I hope your daughter has a much happier time at her new school.

SunnyPugdays · 13/06/2025 07:23

Complaint to head , governors lea and Ofsted
No don't send her

RareGoalsVerge · 13/06/2025 07:24

Don't send her in. Tell the school that she isn't coming in due to the vicious bullying that they have done nothing about. Tell ofsted that they are totally inadequate at dealing with bullies. All schools have bullies, a school that thinks it doesn't is one where the bullies are winning.

TeenLifeMum · 13/06/2025 07:28

Lucyliesdown · 13/06/2025 07:14

I wouldn’t have her start at the new school until September if that was an option op. Very tricky time of year to start with only 4 weeks remaining of school.

I disagree with this. She’ll be joining at the point the fun stuff happens, be able to get a flavour and then starting in September won’t feel so daunting. It’s often advised to do this or dc spend a summer holiday feeling anxious.

but yes, keep her home. Schools really like to pretend bullying isn’t happening. I’d be writing to the governors and ofsted. Well done for supporting you dc. I hope she finds her crowd in the new school op.

Imisscoffee2021 · 13/06/2025 07:29

Give her the day off and do everything you said there, show her that it doesn't matter to go in and face a bullying again because that bullying is less than important. She's in thr past now and it's up to your daughter to leave her there now. Giving her and her behaviour, including her last sarcastic cruel parting interaction, too much power will mean she continues to live in your daughters life, in her mind and her worries and memories.

Hard as it is, time to leave her in the dust and giving your daughter a day focused on her new school, and having lunch and doing fun things, shows its a new chapter.

Sassybooklover · 13/06/2025 07:29

I wouldn't send her back in either. Make arrangements with the school for you to go and collect your daughter's belongings after school today. Have you verbally complained to the teacher/head teacher regarding the bullying and/or have you put this in writing? The fact some of the comments have been racially motivated and the school haven't taken steps is a safeguarding issue. You need to put all your concerns into an email to the headteacher, and copy in the governors. An email means there is a paper trail, verbal conversations can be denied. I appreciate your daughter is leaving, but for other children's sake you need to report this and follow it through. You can even report to Ofsted, and the local education authority too.

Mama2many73 · 13/06/2025 07:30

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 13/06/2025 07:13

I’d make a complaint to the head teacher/governors. I wouldn’t send her in.

Totally this ⬆️.

I would write a letter to the Governirs explaining the situation and the lack of action by the teacher and leadership team at the school to bullying, including racial incidents which HAVE to be recorded as such. I'd also mention the fact of her mental health suffering.

I'd keep her off and do something extra special with her.

ColinCaterpillarsNo1Fan · 13/06/2025 07:31

Don't send her in but do email the headteacher, the board of governors & cc the education dept exactly what you've told us.

Let them know that by ignoring the racist bullying, they have allowed it to flourish. So you have removed your dd because of their inability to tackle the problem.

Say that you've informed your community that their children will not be psychologically safe at their school. Therefore, you wouldn't recommend their school to your network due to the endemic racist problem.

You might as well throw them under a bus on your way out.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 13/06/2025 07:33

Don’t send her in. Tell them exactly why. My youngest has been being bullied in primary, not as badly as your daughter from the sound of it, and I’ve kept her off for the odd day here and there. Forcing kids into school when they’re genuinely distressed about it can actually have long term effects on their mental health.

Mauro711 · 13/06/2025 07:33

I too think you should keep her off today and do something fun with her. My DD was also bullied for a couple of years in primary and it was horrific. Walking away from the school was bliss and she ended up in a school where she made lots of nice friends. It took a while for her to regain her confidence though and it was daunting for her to start somewhere new.

I wish your DD all the best for Monday and you can now both put this awful experience behind you.

Move22 · 13/06/2025 07:33

Wakeywakey678 · 13/06/2025 07:09

I accidentally clicked yabu, but I meant yanbu! Have a great well-being day with her ❤️

You can change your vote!

AtomHeartMotherOfGod · 13/06/2025 07:33

Lucyliesdown · 13/06/2025 07:14

I wouldn’t have her start at the new school until September if that was an option op. Very tricky time of year to start with only 4 weeks remaining of school.

OMG ignore this... 1 day is a long time in education; 4 weeks is ages! No wonder children today have low resilience if this is the view some parents are taking.

She would miss so much learning and there may be trips or fun days planned where she could get to know people in her new school. As long as you are straight with the new teacher that there needs to be some serious 'buddying' put in place to ensure she is always supported at break and lunch, it should be fine.

NestEmptying · 13/06/2025 07:34

She shouldn't go. It won't do any good and it's best just to draw a line under everything and have a fresh start.
A duvet day or a day off school once in a while is really valuable for mental health I found. They need to feel protected and that's one way you can do that.

WhatNoRaisins · 13/06/2025 07:34

This will make me sound like a dickhead but schools are really pressured about their attendance figures so given how they have failed her I wouldn't send her in.

Reallyyyyyy · 13/06/2025 07:35

Don't send her in. Tell the school exactly why! Can they be reported to ofsted for this? As in the way they handled it and failed (maybe not. Im not sure how these things work)

Enjoy your day off together. You both deserve it. Good luck for Monday!

itsgettingweird · 13/06/2025 07:38

MuggleMe · 13/06/2025 07:08

If she doesn't want to go in don't send her. Arrange something out of school as a sendoff for her friends.

First post nails it.

let your DD lead it and organise something for the 2 friends who supported her outside of school.

TheNightingalesStarling · 13/06/2025 07:42

I'd let the school you are withdrawing her immediately due to the inaction over racist bullying, and that a parent will call at Reception at X time this afternoon to pick up belongings. A formal complaint to follow

TreeDudette · 13/06/2025 07:44

No need to ring anyone, take your daughter for a lovely day out getting ready for a new school.

Imbusytodaysorry · 13/06/2025 07:45

@Zaina89 id leave the decision up to your Dd . If she doesn’t want to go in then you both arrive half an hour befroe the end and collect her things and let her say good bye to the friends .

TimeForABreak4 · 13/06/2025 07:54

I wouldn't send her and do what you planned. I'd call the school and say as she has a new place and as she's been bullied and the school haven't resolved it in anyway, I won't be sending her for another day of it.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 13/06/2025 07:55

Make sure you get contact info for her good friend so you can maybe arrange a play date now and then.

My good friend at school moved during year 5 and I was so sad. I appreciated her parents still bringing her for play dates :)

I would also submit a formal complaint about this girl, the actions of the teacher, and I wouldn’t let it drop.

flufffyyydog · 13/06/2025 07:56

Don’t send her back. How awful for her.

flufffyyydog · 13/06/2025 07:59

PlnkSnail · 13/06/2025 07:16

Why would you send her in??

Tell the school you're sending a letter to Ofsted about the experience your daughter has had with racist bullying. Maybe text the girl's mother and father if you think they don't know. I'd want to fucking know if my children were saying things like that.

I hope she has a much better time at the new school

I agree about telling them that you’re sending the letter to ofsted! Do that for sure.

I wouldn’t get involved with the girl’s parents as that probably won’t end well. They’re probably horrible racists themselves.