AIBU to be worried about my son’s marriage dynamics?

[MyCyanShaker]

I've noticed some concerning dynamics in my son's marriage. When I call him, he'll often rush off the phone as soon as his wife comes home from work or starts talking to him. Sometimes she'll even answer his phone when he's not around. When I offer to get him something, he'll mention what she'd like too, without even asking me if I want to get something for her. It feels like she's dominating the conversation and possibly even controlling him.

My son works overnights, and I rarely get to talk to him. When I do, he often sounds agitated, even when I ask him simple questions. I've tried texting him to check in, but he doesn't always respond. He's always been a bit independent, but lately, I've felt like he's becoming more distant. We've always been close, but now it feels like I'm struggling to connect with him.

They've been married for 5 years, and they've been together for 9 years before that, so I thought they had a strong foundation. I'm worried about his well-being and feel like his wife might be isolating him from our family. We've always been a close-knit family, and it's hard for me to see him pulling away. He's always been closest to his younger brother, with whom he shares similar interests and personality traits. They're close in a way that he and his middle brother aren't. Given this, I'm thinking of asking his younger brother to check in with him and see if he's okay. Maybe his brother can get a better sense of what's going on and offer some support.

I'm torn between being a concerned mum and respecting their marriage. I don't want to overstep or interfere, but at the same time, I want to make sure my son is happy and healthy. Has anyone else dealt with similar concerns about marriage dynamics? Should I be worried, or am I just being a concerned mum?

Just read this thread out to my DH and he couldn’t believe it. He’s close to his mum but we definitely find them overbearing and he has had to explain a few times that we are a unit now. They often show little interest in me and make me feel unwelcome/uncomfortable in their presence but since he spoke to his DM more recently, things have vastly improved. I’d find the souvenir thing a bit passive aggressive to be honest. If you saw something that reminded you of your son or something, absolutely get that for them. But to deliberately exclude her in the way you are is not very kind. Of course this would be hurtful to your DIL! By explaining how he feels your DS is giving you the opportunity to repair your damaged relationship but your refusal to see his pov is going to result in further damage. Before long, it will be no longer be salvageable. If you want a relationship with your son you have to compromise but this sounds like you want to stamp your feet and get your own way. Your DIL does not sound controlling but probably fed up of your behaviour which ultimately will push your DS away as she is his family now. He chose her OP, not you. You have to buck up or prepare to create more distance between you.

I think your son doesn't want to have as much contact with you as you'd like and instead of accepting that you've decided it must be his wife stopping him and you've become consumed with hatred for her.

He often seems agitated and annoyed when I ask simple mundane questions.

Because you're annoying him.

Expecting long phone calls every other day, when he's likely stretched for time anyway is annoying. 15 minutes is a long phone call when it's that frequent, unless you have anything specific to discuss or unless you BOTH want to chat.

Offering to buy him useless junk from a gift shop is annoying. Maybe he doesn't want anything so he's asking his wife, or she knows he finds it annoying so she chimes in.

He's not your toddler anymore. And you would probably be closer if you weren't quite so demanding and possessive over him.

You sound like my Mum. She has no idea how annoying she is. Thankfully for me she is worse with my brothers than she is with me - they often avoid her calls.

Re gifting - why not look for something that they BOTH like? That solves it. You buy one gift that will enhance their household. That treats them like a unit and is only one gift. Otherwise yes, you buy two individual gifts.

If a family member said to me they were going to a gift shop and was there ‘anything you would like’, I would assume they meant my husband and me. We are an entity. Why would I think they meant just me and not him ? I only expect presents only for me on my birthday.

OP have you never heard the expression, ‘a daughter's a daughter for life, a son is a son until he takes a wife’ ? It also doesn’t matter if you have another son who phones you every day. We are all different and have different relationships.

Your best way forward, in my experience, is to get your daughter-in-law as close as you can. She’s the one who will push him into contacting you (as opposed to you continuously contacting him), remembering your birthday, Mothers’ Day, facilitating time with any grandchildren.

My late MiL cold shouldered me and was convinced I’d taken her lovely son away from her but she didn’t hear me nagging him to contact her, making sure he did birthdays and Mothers’ Day etc.

My DP has a mum like this. It often results in frequent arguments.

My DP didnt know this wasnt normal until he was in a relationship with me.

He told me his mum called every night to say goodnight and to have a chat. I found it odd to be honest. Who has updates on a daily basis to chat about in boring, mundane life? And also, you need some distance as you get older and form relationships and new family units.

I am close to my mum. She only lives 10 minutes away. At the most, I call her for a chat or a catch up once a week.

DP eventually seen that so frequent communication with his mum - which was actually resulting in tension and arguments with his mum, was actually not normal. They now speak about once a week, unless there is something important to call about.

He has recently started living with me, and he has a call usually on Friday/Saturday night with his mum, which is grand. However, I think if he was still having daily calls every evening, it would start to become annoying.

I doubt your other sons want to call so often, but actually see it as an obligation or fear you will react badly if they dont.

Honestly, you need to look within yourself and wonder why having daily contact with your adult children is so important to you. I guarantee it will be about control / ego for you.

You're assuming they're UK based. A lot of what OP has said, to me sound more American. 13 hours driving isn't unusual in the US.

Your examples sound quite minor OP and you don’t seem to be adding anymore examples, so to me you do sound unreasonable. They basically don’t like how intrusive the frequent calls are, your son gets irritated with your questioning, DIL sometimes speaks on the phone and you aren’t managing to get away with the slightly spiteful behaviour of not including your DIL when you buy souvenirs and they are calling you out on it. With that list I’m failing to see the alienation you think you are experiencing or the evil control of the DIL.

What I can see though, is you resenting your DIL, blaming your DIL for your sons choices and you trying to exclude your DIL. You sound like the problem, not her.

You do sound overbearing based on your responses I'm afraid.

What is your relationship with your DIL? And what is/was your relationship with your MIL? Do you have a husband or companion?

Don't blame your son's annoyance/impatience with you on your DIL. It sounds like it is your actions (gifting/excluding her/demanding of his time) that may be pushing him away. You need to understand and accept she is his wife and you are unfortunately, not his number one and most likely not even number two if they have children.

This. Completely.

As mum to a ds :

1. When you next speak to him say you'll cut calls to once a week and ask when suits him.
2. You can tell him you'd like to have his attention and some privacy but would you not sometimes like to have a chat with your DIL too? She probably thinks you don't like her if you never actually speak to her.
3. The gifts. Honestly, unless you are skint, if you are on travels would it not be nice to bring her something too?
4. This does read like you don't and have never liked her. Maybe that's why your ds gets off the call quick when she is there.
5. Like it or not, she is your sons priority.

OP for what it's worth, re the gifts, I think you and your son might have different views about what the gifts show. You want to show your son love by treating him with a gift. He wants you to show him love by welcoming the person he's chosen as his wife into your family. Buying her a souvenir when you buy him one would demonstrate that to him.
Buying a souvenir is the sort of thing you do for family members.

I would personally be quite embarrassed if my mother regularly offered to buy me souvenirs but not my husband.

It's different if you're buying a gift for your son for a reason that is personal to him. Like a birthday, a promotion, or because he's been having a rough time and you'd like to cheer him up. In those cases of course there would be no suggestion that a gift should be offered to their spouse too. But a souvenir from your travels isn't seen by your son as personal to him. You're probably buying souvenirs for other people in the family too. So it would seem like you are EXcluding his wife from a family group activity if you don't include her in the souvenirs.

TLDR: frequently offering to buy him a souvenir, but not her, could easily be interpreted by them as meaning she's not been fully welcomed into your family.

Your son ends the call soon after his wife is back from work can also be because end of the day he looks forward to seeing her.

Him asking to get something for his wife too can also mean he does not want to exclude his wife from this gift giving.

It could be that he is really fond of his wife so he naturally gravitates towards her. That does not mean she is controlling.

If she came and start talking to him while he is on phone with him can also indicate they are not that formal that she must wait before you finish.

Why can’t she answer your call on his phone if he is not around?

Your other son calling you everyday can also mean that son is emotionally dependant on you or have no personal life of his own or his job, life circumstances allow him more time.

Also a son can be independent while his mother is controlling or rather over bearing.
You say you are close knit, maybe your son find you overbearing and hence he needs more space from you. Perhaps that’s the real he gets agitated with you.

There could be many reasons, why would you jump to him being controlled by his wife. If she was controlling, their relationship would have broken after 9 years before they got married.

Change their tune?

You don’t entertain any possibility of you being wrong.

Self righteous people are difficult to have good relationships with.

She's not coming back is she

She probably doesn't immediately know he's on the phone, I would often shout, hello I'm back, it's hot/cold/raining/ I'm knackered or something as I came in the door. If my MIL was on the phone he would probably mime a shush, if she had heard me she would say was that DW coming in, give her my love, I'd better go and let you get on, and he would say his goodbyes. Holiday presents would usually be joint (probably for the house), but if she saw something she thought he would love she would get that as well or something she thought I would love, it was never a thing to ask for something specific for a holiday present. If she's chiming in on calls he has it on speaker so is deliberately involving her, which I think is nice, we used to hand the phone back and fore between us so I could also talk to MIL. It sounds like you don't really have a friendly relationship with his wife which is a shame. Are your other sons married, if so do you get on better with their wives?

But the one you are quoting was a new wife. In this scenario DIL was with DS for 9 before they married. I don’t understand why it took DIL to take this long to isolate him. Also why she didn’t isolate him from his younger brother?

OP I really don’t think you need to be worrying about your sons marriage, they seem just fine.
His problematic relationship is with YOU and you can’t see it/are blind to it and want to blame his wife.

When you call him, he wants to rush off the phone when his wife comes home- yes probably because he is over the chat and it’s a perfect excuse to be like “wife’s home now mum, gotta go!”

When I talk to him he gets agitated even if I’m asking simple questions- yes because he’s annoyed with YOU and doesn’t have the time for you quizzing him, how are you blaming this point on his wife? How can you think that’s anything to do with her and not a him/you issue?

He often doesn’t respond to your texts/he’s becoming distant/you’re struggling to connect- again a you/him issue. Not his wife.

It must be very hard and I’m sure it’s easier to blame his wife than admit to yourself that your son can’t really be bothered with you.

As always with these posts, it would be interesting to hear the other side of the story!
I find the gift giving thing a bit weird, how often are you buying gifts for just your son? Outside of bday and Christmas? If I buy gifts or souvenirs for family members, it includes their partner.

the biggest red flag to this situation is you saying “Married or not a mother should always be a priority in your life”. It’s not for you to tell your son who should be a priority in his life…

No ….. op didn’t get the answers or validation she wanted, so has flounced.
Probably to start another thread.
Op doesn’t want harmony and good relationships with her son - she just wants obedience.

I think it all sounds a bit much. The amount you contact your sons that is.

As others have said, your son’s wife is his primary family. Both of them probably feel smothered by the excess attention from you.

100 percent this.
My mil was just the same.
It was so sad because she could be the most loveliest person - but absolutely no Self awareness.

Has his wife always been like this? What do your other sons think of their SIL. From what you have said it doesn't sound quite right but it's hard to know.

Has his wife always been like what?

Calling out to say she is home when she arrives from work? Hardly unusual.

The rest is down to the son. Frankly if I was on my third interrogation in a week when DH came home I’d be gagging for the escape excuse. In practice both of us would close off personal calls when the other came home from work - its the polite thing to do.

If DH had had a call on speakerphone when I was there I’d assume he meant to include me.

There is literally nothing in the OP’s posts which suggests a problem with the DiL, there are plenty of comments suggesting the DS has issues with her demands.

I call him every 2 days and asking for 15 minutes

when someone’s on the phone regardless of who it is you don’t just start talking to the person as they are on the phone

I don’t like my DIL answering his phone from time to time

when I ask my son what he wants from say a gift shop when I’m traveling then I hear my DIL chime in and say a mug for me would be nice when I didn’t when realize she as there or my son mention something she wants on her behalf it’s like overstepping when I only offered to my son

I should be able to maintain an individual relationship to my son.

this isn’t a normal way to treat your mother

@MyCyanShaker In this post alone these are all the things you want YOUR way and rules YOU think your son should be living by. It’s very demanding and controlling. The way I see it they are only trying to put in some boundaries - limiting length of calls, and expecting you to treat DIL equally and fairly, yet you are outraged by that. Your demands and expectations of your son are FAR greater than anything you say your DIL is doing. I think if you carry on as you are you are going to lose your son completely, and it will be your fault, not DILs.