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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let my BD take my toddler away to see his side of the family

151 replies

MoonlightDream · 13/06/2025 01:36

AIBU not to let my BD come take my DD away from me on short notice (less than a week) for a day on the weekend to see her grandma and aunt, when he doesn’t live with me and I’m not on good terms with his mother? The grandma wants to see DD after being away abroad for a month but she got BD to message me telling me he's "going to come and take DD" with no plans to when he'll take her back.

His mother is one of those business women that have very strong opinions about everything, including telling me how to raise my DD. She's is a shopaholic and loves to spoil DD with lots of things every time she meets (approx once a month) which I'm grateful for, but the problem is it's often too much, especially with limited space in my living situation. She's also forgetful, forgets what she bought previously or my failed feeble attempts to remind her and I end up with at least 5 or more of the same type of things, enough for twins or more! I'm not exaggerating when I say we had 10 baby blankets.

OP posts:
Slatterndisgrace · 14/06/2025 08:10

Oldwmn · 14/06/2025 08:05

I will add it to all the the other insults hurled at me 🙂

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😁 We’re naughty.

Laura95167 · 14/06/2025 08:22

Maybe close this thread and ask the actual Qn/Qns you need help with?

Because tbh can we visit my mum with DD at short notice is the least of the issues

I understand you're tired and at your limit and there's nothing wrong with that but I read your original Qn thinking your DP wanted to take his family to his mums and mentioned it at least the night before and thought it was a non-issue but the living situation was weird.

But the actual issue is he is controlling, intimidating and physically aggressive in public and his mum at best is clumsy and inattentive (which on its own is dangerous with a 20month) and you don't know what to do about protecting your DD

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 14/06/2025 08:43

MoonlightDream · 13/06/2025 23:16

So it happens when I'm looking at food labels or pondering what to get for this meal I have in mind, I feel it's only a couple mins but then he would grab my wrist really tight, I try resisting but it's futile because I'm a lot weaker than him, and he would drag me away to get to the check out. I sternly tell him not to but he still does it anyways. I don't raise my voice for fear it scares DD

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Fucking he’ll OP! That’s absolutely horrific. You need to have nothing to do with this man. There are people who post on MN who know how to get help, there’s organisations that help women escape domestic abuse, but I don’t know unfortunately. No way should he be doing that to you. I’m sorry you’ve got to the point where you feel you have to accept being treated like that. You are being abused. Please get help.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 14/06/2025 08:49

MoonlightDream · 13/06/2025 23:32

Yeah the coincidences aren't making sense so I don't allow her to be alone anymore. I rather take a day off work if I can't get childcare. I don't trust DD alone with her dad either tbf, and I don't think it's me overreacting or being a helicopter mum. After two instances which led us to take DD to A&E, the worst one was DD fell from his arms "accidentally" whilst he was trying to rock her to sleep but she was putting up a fight, I was in the shower and came out to blood all over DD's nose and mouth (landed on face). This was before DD even started crawling

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Oh wow! This just gets worse and worse. OP, please get help, none of this is okay.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 14/06/2025 09:25

' I was the one that filled in the BC and put his name on it. I paid for it and booked the appointment.'

I guess you are not in the UK then ?

as unless you are married, you cannot put the child's father on the birth certificate unless the father is present with you in the Registrars Office.

was he with you ?

You don't need a solicitor if in the UK to sort out maintenance, you just do it through the CMS.
https://www.gov.uk/child-maintenance-service

but you will want a solicitor to help you with the Courts re access / visiting / over nights etc.

Child Maintenance Service

How to set up or manage a child maintenance arrangement, including what to do if a parent does not pay, how to contact the Child Maintenance Service, and signing in to your account.

https://www.gov.uk/child-maintenance-service

rainbowstardrops · 14/06/2025 09:41

I’d be making a clean break from him because you’re in no man’s land right now.
Unfortunately, I don’t think you can stop him taking your daughter for a family visit but he shouldn’t be telling you, he should be having a conversation with you.

Kilofoxtrot99 · 14/06/2025 11:45

Hi OP. If he is still a serving soldier, and you have genuine concerns of abuse, you could contact the armed forces welfare charity to see if they can offer any support or assistance 08002606780. They may be able to give you advice about child maintenance etc and are there to support families of service personnel. Doesn’t matter that you are not married. It is confidential and you don’t have to give them details straight away, but might be worth a call to see if they can provide any help or advice. I’m not suggesting that you should go to his chain of command but he might be more willing to consider his behaviour if there were real life consequences that would impact his actions in how he treats you. Just a thought, you don’t have to give them your or his names and contact details first call, they might be able to give you some advice and information that could help. Am a bit concerned about some of his behaviour and being in the military is not a sufficient justification for it. Best of luck.

sidebirds · 14/06/2025 17:57

MoonlightDream · 13/06/2025 02:16

Sorry, I can't edit that out anymore, basically he's the father of my child

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why not say that in the first place? this American 'ghetto speak' has no place in the English language, and I speak as a non-white British citizen.

Loveperiod · 14/06/2025 18:03

What makes you think u have more say than he does. U really are a child who had a child. Once a month to see her grandparent to me u sound jealous because she can give her material things and u can never be replaced so grow up and raise ur child together properly and stop writing nonsense

carchi · 14/06/2025 20:55

MoonlightDream · 13/06/2025 02:07

She has DD's best interest in mind, I get it, but every time I've left her in her care, silly accidents happen and I find new bruises on DD.

DD's dad is on £70k a year but doesn't pay for any childcare support, he only helps me buy approx £60 groceries every week for me and DD.

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Seriously you don't get any financial help from him other than a few food items and yet he and his mother expect you to act like they are responsible and caring family members. So you are fully financially responsible and yet they feel that they can dip in and out of the relationship whenever they like is really cheeky.

Chinsupmeloves · 14/06/2025 22:35

No matter what you think of the family, it's only fair and in the best interests of a child to know both families.

piscofrisco · 14/06/2025 22:42

Get child support via CMS set up. (It’s support for the child, not you). Get court ordered time with each parent. But keep in mind that he is her dad and so it’s not about you ‘letting’ him do anything, he has a right to see his kid. Unless you suspect abuse of some kind.

llizzie · 15/06/2025 02:14

MoonlightDream · 13/06/2025 02:41

Well, thankfully they're minor incidents, the biggest one was when DD was 4 months old and the bag of nappies that I always kept above the bookshelf next to the changing table somehow fell on DD's head the day I went out on a date with DD's dad.
Another time I left DD alone with grandma for half a day, came back with a burning fever because grandma over bundled her in 25 degree weather.
More recently grandma decided to strongly encourage DD to try foods that DD kept rejecting, one of which is eggs which DD has has had a reaction to since 6 months old (DD breaks out in hives) so I'm extra cautious whenever I try this food. Grandma didn't listen to me and DD ended up vomitting.

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Follow your instincts. Go to family court and get an order for child maintenance. They court will set a time for him to see her.

LBFseBrom · 15/06/2025 02:25

MoonlightDream · 13/06/2025 02:16

Sorry, I can't edit that out anymore, basically he's the father of my child

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Why didn't you say that at the start? "My child's father' doesn't take long to type.

yakkity · 15/06/2025 06:28

Slatterndisgrace · 13/06/2025 01:54

I got lost at baby daddy - what’s wrong with daddy/dad/father?

What’s wrong with accepting other people’s names for things instead of insisting everyone uses yours. Are you controlling in other areas of life too?

yakkity · 15/06/2025 06:30

sidebirds · 14/06/2025 17:57

why not say that in the first place? this American 'ghetto speak' has no place in the English language, and I speak as a non-white British citizen.

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Do you always police threads and try to control other people?

Elseaknows · 15/06/2025 07:39

If he's serving in the forces, they will literally take his child maintenance from his wages. They don't fuck around when it comes to paying for children because even they know he should be contributing to the cost of bringing up his child.
You sound like you are tolerating far too much. Say your daughter was older, would you allow him to treat her the way he treats you? 😞

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 15/06/2025 07:43

Why don’t you finish with him and arrange proper access and child support?

pinkcow123 · 15/06/2025 08:00

The reality of the situation is if he was an ex-partner and had contact on set days, you wouldn’t be able to stop him taking his child wherever he wanted on his days…

Nantescalling · 15/06/2025 17:37

Cassieskinsismad · 13/06/2025 04:14

Then do yourself a favour and ditch him.

He's 30 and still behaving like a teenager. He's not going to change or suddenly decide to grow up. At 30 he is who he is, a fully formed adult (or man-child still controlled by his mummy, in this case!).

He's got one foot in your relationship at best and only one toe in DDs life. He's doing minimal parenting, doesn't want to live with you, but happily saves himself some housework and bills by staying at your place half the week, where he spends as much time as possible away from DD and hanging out with friends or doing hobbies. He's acting like someone who doesn't want a family at all. I suspect he's basically just around for the sex, isn't he.

Meanwhile you're wasting your youth on him, when you could instead be single, open to the possibility of meeting someone who actually does want to be all-in and be a family with you.

You're currently letting him cherry-pick the bits of a relationship and parenting that he likes best, whilst simultaneously he's avoiding all the day to day grunt-work and compromises and teamwork of living with a partner and raising a family.

The homes situation is bullshit excuses. It doesn't have to be your place or his, you can both look jointly for somewhere else that's more suitable!

He also doesn't need "his space" in the property. Women don't have their own space! It's just a home where everyone lives.

He's not going to be a lodger, the plan is he moves in to be a family member. The fact he's not looking at it like that but in terms of carving out a bit of space just for himself, separate from you and DD, speaks volumes as to his general attitude towards you. He sees you both as an option, an add-on to his life as opposed to people he shares a life with. You're a situation he wants to choose to opt in or out of even if living together, hence wanting "his own space". He's not seeing you and DD as people he's already committed to (or should be!) by the act of creating a child with you.

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This!!!

Nantescalling · 15/06/2025 17:41

Cassieskinsismad · 14/06/2025 02:09

Gran doesn't accept no for an answer

You don't owe rude people politeness OP. Stop explaining yourself in an attempt to justify your parenting decisions. You don't need gran to agree/give permission/understand/be ok, with your ways etc. All she has to do is accept it. And she has absolutely no choice about that! You are DD parent, you make the decisions, not gran. If she keeps on at you, cease contact with her. Why would you visit, or be visited by, a bully? She'll see DD when your partner has contact time with DD, if he agrees to gran seeing her. It's nothing to do with you whether she sees DD or not, so remove yourself from that equation. You don't have to be bullied by this woman. You're justified in telling her to fuck off, literally.

I wouldn't say bored, it was him saying I'm not efficient enough, I don't stick to the routine and schedules on the dot and he's not understanding that it's hard to follow routines to a T with a young child

Efficient?! He isn't your boss OP. You're entitled to be as inefficient as you like. He's only on these shopping trips because he's financially controlling you. He could give you the money and you could go be inefficiently browsing the socks with flowers in and the stripey notebooks and the merits of these tomatoes over those ones, to your heart's content, if he doesn't like the way you shop. But he won't, will he, because then you're outside the home, even worse you're alone with just DD and worse than that, you're in a place where there's men - and he can't be having that now can he!

Him being trained in the army has drilled in this strict sense of routine and time management.

And him being an abusive arsehole is why he tries to force his ways onto you. He doesn't get to dictate what your routine is, how long it takes or even if there is a routine at all.

You. Can. Do. Whatever. You. Like. With. Your. Own. Life.

And if he doesn't like it, he can join his mother in far away fuck-off-land, the further the better really.

This !!

Original poster
MoonlightDream · 15/06/2025 21:38

Laura95167 · 14/06/2025 08:22

Maybe close this thread and ask the actual Qn/Qns you need help with?

Because tbh can we visit my mum with DD at short notice is the least of the issues

I understand you're tired and at your limit and there's nothing wrong with that but I read your original Qn thinking your DP wanted to take his family to his mums and mentioned it at least the night before and thought it was a non-issue but the living situation was weird.

But the actual issue is he is controlling, intimidating and physically aggressive in public and his mum at best is clumsy and inattentive (which on its own is dangerous with a 20month) and you don't know what to do about protecting your DD

Good point, that does make a lot more sense, and I’ll try get it all down so less drip feeding. Didn’t expect this thread to end up trending but appreciate the advice

OP posts:
Laura95167 · 15/06/2025 21:44

MoonlightDream · 15/06/2025 21:38

Good point, that does make a lot more sense, and I’ll try get it all down so less drip feeding. Didn’t expect this thread to end up trending but appreciate the advice

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Best of luck to your and dd