To not let my BD take my toddler away to see his side of the family

[MoonlightDream]

AIBU not to let my BD come take my DD away from me on short notice (less than a week) for a day on the weekend to see her grandma and aunt, when he doesn’t live with me and I’m not on good terms with his mother? The grandma wants to see DD after being away abroad for a month but she got BD to message me telling me he's "going to come and take DD" with no plans to when he'll take her back.

His mother is one of those business women that have very strong opinions about everything, including telling me how to raise my DD. She's is a shopaholic and loves to spoil DD with lots of things every time she meets (approx once a month) which I'm grateful for, but the problem is it's often too much, especially with limited space in my living situation. She's also forgetful, forgets what she bought previously or my failed feeble attempts to remind her and I end up with at least 5 or more of the same type of things, enough for twins or more! I'm not exaggerating when I say we had 10 baby blankets.

Well, thankfully they're minor incidents, the biggest one was when DD was 4 months old and the bag of nappies that I always kept above the bookshelf next to the changing table somehow fell on DD's head the day I went out on a date with DD's dad.
Another time I left DD alone with grandma for half a day, came back with a burning fever because grandma over bundled her in 25 degree weather.
More recently grandma decided to strongly encourage DD to try foods that DD kept rejecting, one of which is eggs which DD has has had a reaction to since 6 months old (DD breaks out in hives) so I'm extra cautious whenever I try this food. Grandma didn't listen to me and DD ended up vomitting.

You and father are in a relationship still?

You stated this:

“She has DD's best interest in mind, I get it, but every time I've left her in her care, silly accidents happen and I find new bruises on DD”

And I asked “Every time?”

Yes, every time

If that’s the case, then grandma can’t be left alone with your daughter and must have someone there with her.

Obviously we don’t know if grandma is responsible for bruises. Could be dad. Or someone else. Op isn’t there.

OP states this:

She has DD's best interest in mind, I get it, but every time I've left her in her care, silly accidents happen and I find new bruises on DD.

Poor kid.

You somehow missed this bit out of the OP, strange.

Yeah. Weaponised parenting.

Then do yourself a favour and ditch him.

He's 30 and still behaving like a teenager. He's not going to change or suddenly decide to grow up. At 30 he is who he is, a fully formed adult (or man-child still controlled by his mummy, in this case!).

He's got one foot in your relationship at best and only one toe in DDs life. He's doing minimal parenting, doesn't want to live with you, but happily saves himself some housework and bills by staying at your place half the week, where he spends as much time as possible away from DD and hanging out with friends or doing hobbies. He's acting like someone who doesn't want a family at all. I suspect he's basically just around for the sex, isn't he.

Meanwhile you're wasting your youth on him, when you could instead be single, open to the possibility of meeting someone who actually does want to be all-in and be a family with you.

You're currently letting him cherry-pick the bits of a relationship and parenting that he likes best, whilst simultaneously he's avoiding all the day to day grunt-work and compromises and teamwork of living with a partner and raising a family.

The homes situation is bullshit excuses. It doesn't have to be your place or his, you can both look jointly for somewhere else that's more suitable!

He also doesn't need "his space" in the property. Women don't have their own space! It's just a home where everyone lives.

He's not going to be a lodger, the plan is he moves in to be a family member. The fact he's not looking at it like that but in terms of carving out a bit of space just for himself, separate from you and DD, speaks volumes as to his general attitude towards you. He sees you both as an option, an add-on to his life as opposed to people he shares a life with. You're a situation he wants to choose to opt in or out of even if living together, hence wanting "his own space". He's not seeing you and DD as people he's already committed to (or should be!) by the act of creating a child with you.

Well a dad taking his DD to see her grandmother isn’t a problem. So I think YABU to say no, as you aren’t keen on this lady. But it sounds like you’ve got bigger problems with this guy. He drags you through the store? Is he hurting you physically OP? Has he ever harmed his child, or shouts at her etc. Taking her for a visit sounds fine, but there’s obviously a lot going on underneath the surface. He should be paying a heck of a lot more than he is. I’d be ending this relationship, he is clearly just enjoying living alone so he doesn’t have to be daddy all the time. He will just keep messaging you around. End the relationship, get CMA involved and get some contact established. But on his time, he will be able to take baby to visit grandma, and anyone he likes. Also, women’s aid might be helpful. Take care.

“Well a dad taking his DD to see her grandmother isn’t a problem“

Except it is if what the OP is claiming is true. She states the child comes back with bruises every time the grandmother has her,

Ok OP, this is domestic abuse.

His mother is also abusing DD. That's what feeding a food to a child you know is allergic to, is called. The rest is neglect, at best, but could possibly be more deliberate abuse.

On £70k you're owed more child support than £60/wk. Get a child maintenance claim in ASAP and have it deducted directly from his wages.

Idk your financial situation but if you're claiming single-parent welfare benefits then either stop and get a job/better paying job or else definitely don't have him staying overnight. Otherwise you're really just a joint household and at 70k he earns too much for you to qualify. You don't need to be giving either him or his mother ammunition to blackmail you with to gain access to DD (or else they'll report you to DWP if you don't keep them happy, is the risk).

You need to leave him though. Nobody should be in an abusive relationship. Nobody should be scared of their partner/family/friends etc. People who frighten you aren't people to have in your life. No wonder you sound passive, confused and overly focused on what he wants, people in abusive relationships often are because the abuse messes with your head.

This relationship and it's effects on you is stopping you from prioritising your DDs welfare.

Neither you nor your partner should be leaving DD unattended with his mum (assuming the bruises etc are being caused by her and not your partner). She isn't a safe person to look after DD because contrary to what you've stated she doesn't have DDs best interests at heart. If you weren't being abused yourself you'd be able to see that a lot more clearly.

The disgust for the term baby daddy on here is never a good look given it originated within AAVE. You don't have to like it (and I know many black posters don't) but maybe reign in your theatrical contempt.

It’s a childish term. Theatrical contempt?

This post says it all clearly.
You need to try and get some real life support around you. You are going to need to be really strong here OP, for both your daughter and yourself. Good luck.

This. Just classism.

Eta: racism too.

I was just about to say this - so classism, racism. Anything else you want to throw at it? Are you calling those of us who dislike the ridiculous term racists and ‘classists’ (I don’t think that’s word!p but hey ho). Please explain are we low brow or high brow? Looking up or down?

You don't own your child, how would you feel if he stopped you taking your kid to visit your family. However if what your saying about your child being at risk is true then you need legal advice

Are you in the US, OP? Which state?

It should be pretty straightforward to claim and enforce child support, at least - you have a system with far more teeth than the UK - and seek some pro bono legal support for your situation.

I can't stand the term (and I'm not trying to "look good".) It implies a very casual attitude to bringing children into the world, from both parents.

Well, that took a turn! I was going to comment that he's an immature idiot, but now he's also a dangerous immature idiot, with a mother (his mother) who is a danger to your child! Don't have a relationship with this man - can't see why you'd continue with someone who drags you through a shop because he's bored! He's a tosser, ditch him. Let them go to court for access, and make it known that you think his mother is not to be trusted with the child. Shaking my head that you'd have anything to do with him!

OP, you say you are not on good terms with ‘BD’ mother yet you freely accept stuff from her, often duplicated and cluttering your home so why don’t you start communicating effectively? Tell BD mother firmly that whilst you appreciate things for the child can she buy xxxx rather than 3 or 4 of yyyy? Talk to her ffs.

As for BD, why isn’t there a proper access arrangement for him to see his daughter? Perhaps you should get that in place sooner rather than later.

It really does sound as though both you and BD are lacking in the communication skills……..please STOP using this child as a pawn in your battle to score points off one another.

You need a routine for contact. I wouldn’t want a child that young staying away from home but the courts may say different. Could she just go for the day at the weekend. The point of no idea when he will return wouldn’t be acceptable unless you can agree when to return. Make sure you have it in writing. But really if you don’t want him having her overnight maybe every Saturday to start for example? His mum doesn’t have any rights this is between you and him.