To not let my BD take my toddler away to see his side of the family

[MoonlightDream]

AIBU not to let my BD come take my DD away from me on short notice (less than a week) for a day on the weekend to see her grandma and aunt, when he doesn’t live with me and I’m not on good terms with his mother? The grandma wants to see DD after being away abroad for a month but she got BD to message me telling me he's "going to come and take DD" with no plans to when he'll take her back.

His mother is one of those business women that have very strong opinions about everything, including telling me how to raise my DD. She's is a shopaholic and loves to spoil DD with lots of things every time she meets (approx once a month) which I'm grateful for, but the problem is it's often too much, especially with limited space in my living situation. She's also forgetful, forgets what she bought previously or my failed feeble attempts to remind her and I end up with at least 5 or more of the same type of things, enough for twins or more! I'm not exaggerating when I say we had 10 baby blankets.

£60 PW towards groceries? Probably about right. It works out at £240 pm. Unless you go to CMS and get them to assess it.

I see. This is also money I don't see or access. The only way I can use it is if he goes grocery shopping together and he pays for it.

Felt it would be too long of a post to have all this in the OP but maybe I should have done that from the get go

OP is being unreasonable by using the term "Baby Daddy"
Sounds very teenager-y

I know this is not the point of OP thread.

Goodness gracious, I see why people are tearing into me for this. Tiktok culture has gotten to me without me realising. I only meant to say father of my child, unplanned but she's much loved and wanted at least from my side. I can afford DD on my own, I'm grateful to have support from my side of the family. DD's dad wasn't ready and didn't want this but he had guilt and said it went against his morals to ditch us, hence the reluctance and part time involvement.

BD
I assume she means DB - darling boyfriend

Ok yeah that makes more sense for the question I should I put in the OP. Sleep deprived brain just caused a bunch of confusion

Yes, what fresh hell is this?

Yes it’s very drip, drip, drip.

We started out with having too many baby blankets - which wasn’t really a problem I could imagine being insurmountable - and then somehow the bruises are mentioned almost by the by.

Hi, OP. Sorry, back from last night. Seems like he's benefiting from this flexible arrangement and that's leaving you both not knowing what may happen from one day to the next. What stopped the move into his place?

Gran doesn't accept no for an answer

You don't owe rude people politeness OP. Stop explaining yourself in an attempt to justify your parenting decisions. You don't need gran to agree/give permission/understand/be ok, with your ways etc. All she has to do is accept it. And she has absolutely no choice about that! You are DD parent, you make the decisions, not gran. If she keeps on at you, cease contact with her. Why would you visit, or be visited by, a bully? She'll see DD when your partner has contact time with DD, if he agrees to gran seeing her. It's nothing to do with you whether she sees DD or not, so remove yourself from that equation. You don't have to be bullied by this woman. You're justified in telling her to fuck off, literally.

I wouldn't say bored, it was him saying I'm not efficient enough, I don't stick to the routine and schedules on the dot and he's not understanding that it's hard to follow routines to a T with a young child

Efficient?! He isn't your boss OP. You're entitled to be as inefficient as you like. He's only on these shopping trips because he's financially controlling you. He could give you the money and you could go be inefficiently browsing the socks with flowers in and the stripey notebooks and the merits of these tomatoes over those ones, to your heart's content, if he doesn't like the way you shop. But he won't, will he, because then you're outside the home, even worse you're alone with just DD and worse than that, you're in a place where there's men - and he can't be having that now can he!

Him being trained in the army has drilled in this strict sense of routine and time management.

And him being an abusive arsehole is why he tries to force his ways onto you. He doesn't get to dictate what your routine is, how long it takes or even if there is a routine at all.

You. Can. Do. Whatever. You. Like. With. Your. Own. Life.

And if he doesn't like it, he can join his mother in far away fuck-off-land, the further the better really.

If you want to, you can report your opening post yourself and ask MNHQ to change the title for you.

I guess you missed the part about him being there 3 days a week and eating these groceries too. And using the water/electric etc. It's a pittance.

If you want to model appropriate behaviour in response to such physical abuse, plant your feet, refuse to move, let him escalate it until he's physically pulled you off your feet, whilst yelling loudly "TAKE TOUR HANDS OFF ME! I DON'T WANT TO GO WITH YOU! LEAVE ME ALONE! YOU'RE HURTING ME!" and see how quickly one of the many customers and staff in the supermarket calls the police.

You're not obliged to move just because someone bigger and stronger than you wants you to. He has no rights to force you to move.

Let DD see the truth, that he's abusive.

You sound like my sons ex, mother of my grandchild - any excuse. I was the nightmare...!

Guess what? She grew up a bit, I calmed down. I absolutely adore her and we love each other likewise. I've met her new partner, I've helped her move home. She'll phone me if she's in a tizz about anything...and I have a wonderful relationship with my granddaughter.

You are blocking a relationship between child and grandmother. You are being completely ungrateful and controlling.
10 baby blankets? Open your mouth and have an adult conversation about your issues.
I expected you to say a weekend. It's a day.
The only one missing out is the child.

Okay. I obviously missed posts regarding domestic violence.

My ex broke my hand 3 weeks post c-section. My hand was covering my head whilst I was on the floor and he was punching it.

Get on touch with GP. Or in my case health visitor.

They put me in touch with then Social Services - I attended a group with lots of women who'd been through similar. It was really confidence and strength building.

I'm so sorry for my previous post. I have been on the end of many a vicious word from sons ex. It's upsetting. I'm so glad we have come through. They're still split obviously, we have a rule that we won't talk about it.

Get some support, there is lots out there. Just to get you out, build your confidence, make new friends.

Once again, I am truly sorry xx

And no we don't share the same bed, he complains that it's been well over a year and a half

Good for you. Although it begs the question, why the fuck is he there in your home?! You've basically got a control freak housemate, who considers himself your boyfriend, lives there part time without paying rent or bills and just happens to be the father of your child.

If he's there to see DD then stop facilitating his deadbeat ways. You and your home and your life aren't something he can use at his own convenience and co-opt into his life when it suits him.

If he wants contact time with her, he takes her to his place and parents her himself. This includes providing anything she needs including toys, clothes, food, bed and bedding etc. If he has her overnight, he should wash and dry the clothes she comes in and return her in them, because those are your clothes for her not his. If he has a problem during this time, he deals with it without calling you for help or expecting you to do anything. If she's sick on his day, he nurses her. If she needs to go to hospital, he takes her. If she needs collecting from school halfway through the day, he leaves work and collects her. That's being a parent.

I suspect the minute he's having to do all this, you won't see him for dust. There's a reason most absent fathers have EOW at best, they don't want more than that, it would cramp their style and affect their career. Two things they care about far more than parenting their own children, in most cases.

Work on your self esteem, that he's no doubt helped reduce/destroy, then you'll stop seeing a man who reluctantly says they'll not break up with you upon birthing their child, as a catch. You're worth more than that. DD is worth more than that. You want to be a family, but with someone who wants to be, not someone with a sulky attitude that effectively says ok, if I must and then proceeds to make your life hell. Women's charity can help you. Standing up for yourself will help you. You're as strong and able as anyone else out there. This is a blip in your life and you can come out the other side, but only if you take the steps and keep going. Good luck 🍀

You do realise your in domestic abuse with him doing this? You need out of this relationship. Get in touch with women's aid too for support

You do know that you are now classed as a racist and ‘classist’ for typing those six words, don’t you?

Grow up and sort this situation out properly. That means defining your relationship, committing to it or ending it. Get proper access arrangements so everyone knows where they stand and ffs get proper maintenance sorted from him. He is her father and if you don’t trust him or think he is capable of looking after her or will not allow him to build a proper relationship doing all the things a father should be capable of doing then you should not be in a relationship. Go to court and sort this mess out and make a will because he will be in charge of you die. You have a kid so grow up and do right by her. She comes first that’s the bottom line. And maybe use contraceptives so this mess does not get any more complicated. It’s alway the kids that suffer when parents are so irresponsible

WTAF is a BD?

Baby Daddy! Watch out for the posters who enjoy accusing people of being racist and classist because a lot of us think the term ‘baby daddy’ is ridiculous.

@SlatterndisgraceI actually don’t know what a baby daddy is… how is different from being a daddy or father or even a male parent? At what point does a “baby daddy” become a “daddy”? Is it only for babies? What does race or class have to do with this weird terminology?

Well, you’re asking the same questions I ask myself, to which there is no explanation. I personally think it’s a ridiculously, childish thing but, apparently because the term originated from African-American vernacular and although a lot of black people don’t like the term either, we are racist for questioning it - work that one out! Oh, and classist!

I will add it to all the the other insults hurled at me 🙂