Page 4 | To not let my BD take my toddler away to see his side of the family

MoonlightDream · 2025-06-13T00:36:12+00:00

AIBU not to let my BD come take my DD away from me on short notice (less than a week) for a day on the weekend to see her grandma and aunt, when he doesn’t live with me and I’m not on good terms with his mother? The grandma wants to see DD after being away abroad for a month but she got BD to message me telling me he's "going to come and take DD" with no plans to when he'll take her back. His mother is one of those business women that have very strong opinions about everything, including telling me how to raise my DD. She's is a shopaholic and loves to spoil DD with lots of things every time she meets (approx once a month) which I'm grateful for, but the problem is it's often too much, especially with limited space in my living situation. She's also forgetful, forgets what she bought previously or my failed feeble attempts to remind her and I end up with at least 5 or more of the same type of things, enough for twins or more! I'm not exaggerating when I say we had 10 baby blankets.

TizerorFizz · 13/06/2025 22:44

There’s no such thing in law as a romantic partnership. If he wants rights he needs to do what the government says, as attached. He’s no rights at the moment.

To not let my BD take my toddler away to see his side of the family

TizerorFizz · 13/06/2025 22:45

@Laura95167 See point 2 when the picture appears. It’s about negotiation.

Original poster

MoonlightDream · 13/06/2025 22:53

InterestedDad37 · 13/06/2025 06:17

Well, that took a turn! I was going to comment that he's an immature idiot, but now he's also a dangerous immature idiot, with a mother (his mother) who is a danger to your child! Don't have a relationship with this man - can't see why you'd continue with someone who drags you through a shop because he's bored! He's a tosser, ditch him. Let them go to court for access, and make it known that you think his mother is not to be trusted with the child. Shaking my head that you'd have anything to do with him!

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I wouldn't say bored, it was him saying I'm not efficient enough, I don't stick to the routine and schedules on the dot and he's not understanding that it's hard to follow routines to a T with a young child. Him being trained in the army has drilled in this strict sense of routine and time management.

Seeing as he's the father of my child, I've been trying to make it work and compromising. It seems like from the comments I've been more tolerant than I should have been, I guess I wouldn't be this way if DD wasn't in the picture.

OP posts:

Anon501178 · 13/06/2025 22:56

MoonlightDream · 13/06/2025 02:20

Would it be worth getting a lawyer involved to have this set legally? Frankly I've gotten terrified of him in the last year, he was previously in the army and occasionally he uses that against me be in it shouting or physically dragging me through the store to get the shop done quicker because I was "taking too long looking at stuff" and 40mins isn't quick enough for a weekly shop

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So the dad is abusive, the grandmother is incapable of meeting your daughter's care and safety needs....
How do you even need to question this??
Of course it's a no! Especially at 20mths old.
Supervised contact all the way or they can do it through court.

ThistleTits · 13/06/2025 22:56

@Cassieskinsismad the most comprehensive, insightful answer and I hope the poster listens to you.

Anon501178 · 13/06/2025 22:57

MoonlightDream · 13/06/2025 02:41

Well, thankfully they're minor incidents, the biggest one was when DD was 4 months old and the bag of nappies that I always kept above the bookshelf next to the changing table somehow fell on DD's head the day I went out on a date with DD's dad.
Another time I left DD alone with grandma for half a day, came back with a burning fever because grandma over bundled her in 25 degree weather.
More recently grandma decided to strongly encourage DD to try foods that DD kept rejecting, one of which is eggs which DD has has had a reaction to since 6 months old (DD breaks out in hives) so I'm extra cautious whenever I try this food. Grandma didn't listen to me and DD ended up vomitting.

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I wouldn't say they are that minor (other than maybe the first one- unless the pack was open and there was the plastic bag risk and she left it in the cot)

EmeraldShamrock000 · 13/06/2025 22:57

The drip feed threads are very irritating.
They're almost embellished for the audience.

Isittimeformynapyet · 13/06/2025 22:58

HappydaysArehere · 13/06/2025 10:00

Would like to know as well.

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RTFT then.

Original poster

MoonlightDream · 13/06/2025 22:59

Slatterndisgrace · 13/06/2025 02:54

If that’s the case, then grandma can’t be left alone with your daughter and must have someone there with her.

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Yeah it all became too often to dismiss, I no longer leave DD alone in her care. Apart from work, I'm rarely away from DD. My social life is non-existent, and on the rare occasion (once a month) if I do have any activities they're normally play dates or lunch meets, they are all planned with DD in mind, I take her with me.

OP posts:

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 13/06/2025 23:07

Can you elaborate on the literally dragging you through the store? Because it really doesn’t sound good. If you genuinely means physically holding you and dragging you that is a matter for the police

Laura95167 · 13/06/2025 23:09

TizerorFizz · 13/06/2025 22:45

@Laura95167 See point 2 when the picture appears. It’s about negotiation.

You don't know that hes not on the birth certificate
Legally if they aren't married and he didn't add his name to the birth certificate he doesn't have parental responsibility but that doesn't make it a unreasonable for a man to say to his partner when I get home this weekend I want to take our DD to my mums.

I'm not arguing whether he legally has parental rights or not. I don't know if he signed the birth certificate @MoonlightDream is DDs dad on the birth certificate?

Although that's how he gets parental rights and it's usually used in cases of separation where access is an issue. Access isnt an issue if hes with them (OP and DD) half the week. Also where you highlighted point 2, a parental responsibility ageeement isnt a "rota" or negotiation of access it's her agreeing legally hes the other parent and him agreeing he accepts that and wants to be recognised as it.

The question wasn't legally can he take her against her mums wishes it was aibu to refuse to let my DP take our DD to his mums at short notice. And IMO if you're a couple, and hes her dad and staying with you half the week and working half the week from his flat OP is BU to not let him take DD to see her grandma unless either a. It's unsafe or b. It interrupts other plans they had. And if OP said you're not mu DH and youre nor on the birth certificate you can only see her and take her where I say id say that is BU unless there's cause.

Original poster

MoonlightDream · 13/06/2025 23:13

Slatterndisgrace · 13/06/2025 03:06

OP states this:

She has DD's best interest in mind, I get it, but every time I've left her in her care, silly accidents happen and I find new bruises on DD.

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It's her first grandkid, she means well but not sure if it's the age or generation differences in child-rearing, we don't see eye to eye. She would still try offer advice and comment on things where she has no experience in like breastfeeding. She would often mention her doctor friends and what they did because they also had experience being mums. Basically implying I'm not a good enough mother because it seems like I'm not doing the same (I tell her and explain I tried multiple times but DD didn't respond the same way and that's normal because every baby is different). Gran doesn't accept no for an answer

OP posts:

InterestedDad37 · 13/06/2025 23:13

MoonlightDream · 13/06/2025 22:53

I wouldn't say bored, it was him saying I'm not efficient enough, I don't stick to the routine and schedules on the dot and he's not understanding that it's hard to follow routines to a T with a young child. Him being trained in the army has drilled in this strict sense of routine and time management.

Seeing as he's the father of my child, I've been trying to make it work and compromising. It seems like from the comments I've been more tolerant than I should have been, I guess I wouldn't be this way if DD wasn't in the picture.

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Please believe me, dragging or tugging or hurrying someone through the supermarket because they are taking 'too long' is neither normal nor excusable behaviour, army or not. It's controlling, manipulative and abusive. There can be no excuse for it whatsoever.

Laura95167 · 13/06/2025 23:16

MoonlightDream · 13/06/2025 22:53

I wouldn't say bored, it was him saying I'm not efficient enough, I don't stick to the routine and schedules on the dot and he's not understanding that it's hard to follow routines to a T with a young child. Him being trained in the army has drilled in this strict sense of routine and time management.

Seeing as he's the father of my child, I've been trying to make it work and compromising. It seems like from the comments I've been more tolerant than I should have been, I guess I wouldn't be this way if DD wasn't in the picture.

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If hes aggressive and you tolerate it you'll show her that's what love looks like. And she might end up accepting similar behaviour when she's older.

If you're afraid of him leave. But you have to decide whether DD needs to be afraid of him too. This started as AIBU for wanting more notice when DP wants to take out DD to his mums. And moved on to you're scared, his mum is neglectful and you're tolerating it for DD.

You need boundaries, and you need to decide what's best for your child. All kids deserve as much love as possible but they also deserve protecting from violence and fear.

I think this taking her to his mums is the wrong hill to die on. Do you want to be with him? Does he have parental rights? If you end it do you know how you plan to proceed? I'd be deciding quickly

Original poster

MoonlightDream · 13/06/2025 23:16

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 13/06/2025 23:07

Can you elaborate on the literally dragging you through the store? Because it really doesn’t sound good. If you genuinely means physically holding you and dragging you that is a matter for the police

So it happens when I'm looking at food labels or pondering what to get for this meal I have in mind, I feel it's only a couple mins but then he would grab my wrist really tight, I try resisting but it's futile because I'm a lot weaker than him, and he would drag me away to get to the check out. I sternly tell him not to but he still does it anyways. I don't raise my voice for fear it scares DD

OP posts:

TizerorFizz · 13/06/2025 23:17

The short notice is against her wishes! That’s what this is about. The advice is for fathers who are not married to the mum and not on birth cert - he’s neither. So he doesn’t get the rights he would if on birth cert or married and separated . He has to negotiate. He doesn’t have rights that trump ops. That includes taking dc out of her care when she’s not happy about it.

Laura95167 · 13/06/2025 23:20

MoonlightDream · 13/06/2025 23:13

It's her first grandkid, she means well but not sure if it's the age or generation differences in child-rearing, we don't see eye to eye. She would still try offer advice and comment on things where she has no experience in like breastfeeding. She would often mention her doctor friends and what they did because they also had experience being mums. Basically implying I'm not a good enough mother because it seems like I'm not doing the same (I tell her and explain I tried multiple times but DD didn't respond the same way and that's normal because every baby is different). Gran doesn't accept no for an answer

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You're back tracking again. Mothers, grandmother's have opinions and some are annoying and patronising.

But earlier youve said you find bruises under MILs care, that isnt acceptable. You shouldn't leave DD alone with her if she regularly gets injured. All kids fall and have accidents but the way you worded that implies regular accidents happen with grandma, serious enough to leave marks which means at best she isnt attentive enough. Someone needs to be present when grandma sees her.

InterestedDad37 · 13/06/2025 23:22

MoonlightDream · 13/06/2025 23:16

So it happens when I'm looking at food labels or pondering what to get for this meal I have in mind, I feel it's only a couple mins but then he would grab my wrist really tight, I try resisting but it's futile because I'm a lot weaker than him, and he would drag me away to get to the check out. I sternly tell him not to but he still does it anyways. I don't raise my voice for fear it scares DD

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Do not give this man any more involvement in your life. Seriously. There is no excuse whatsoever for his behaviour. You have a child, so access will need to be sorted out, but ditch him from your 'personal' life together. He doesn't deserve to be included in your life.

Original poster

MoonlightDream · 13/06/2025 23:25

Cassieskinsismad · 13/06/2025 04:14

Then do yourself a favour and ditch him.

He's 30 and still behaving like a teenager. He's not going to change or suddenly decide to grow up. At 30 he is who he is, a fully formed adult (or man-child still controlled by his mummy, in this case!).

He's got one foot in your relationship at best and only one toe in DDs life. He's doing minimal parenting, doesn't want to live with you, but happily saves himself some housework and bills by staying at your place half the week, where he spends as much time as possible away from DD and hanging out with friends or doing hobbies. He's acting like someone who doesn't want a family at all. I suspect he's basically just around for the sex, isn't he.

Meanwhile you're wasting your youth on him, when you could instead be single, open to the possibility of meeting someone who actually does want to be all-in and be a family with you.

You're currently letting him cherry-pick the bits of a relationship and parenting that he likes best, whilst simultaneously he's avoiding all the day to day grunt-work and compromises and teamwork of living with a partner and raising a family.

The homes situation is bullshit excuses. It doesn't have to be your place or his, you can both look jointly for somewhere else that's more suitable!

He also doesn't need "his space" in the property. Women don't have their own space! It's just a home where everyone lives.

He's not going to be a lodger, the plan is he moves in to be a family member. The fact he's not looking at it like that but in terms of carving out a bit of space just for himself, separate from you and DD, speaks volumes as to his general attitude towards you. He sees you both as an option, an add-on to his life as opposed to people he shares a life with. You're a situation he wants to choose to opt in or out of even if living together, hence wanting "his own space". He's not seeing you and DD as people he's already committed to (or should be!) by the act of creating a child with you.

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Hmm, I guess I need this reality check, thanks for putting it into perspective.

I did also suggest somewhere else entirely, I was open to it as long as we sort some childcare arrangements for working days. I suggested we could rent a place together, or buy or whatever, or move in with his mum (since he likes her area so much, but he moved out for a reason and doesn't want to live with her). Basically he doesn't want to downgrade from his current lifestyle. And no we don't share the same bed, he complains that it's been well over a year and a half

OP posts:

Laura95167 · 13/06/2025 23:32

TizerorFizz · 13/06/2025 23:17

The short notice is against her wishes! That’s what this is about. The advice is for fathers who are not married to the mum and not on birth cert - he’s neither. So he doesn’t get the rights he would if on birth cert or married and separated . He has to negotiate. He doesn’t have rights that trump ops. That includes taking dc out of her care when she’s not happy about it.

The question wasn't does she have the right to "trump" him and refuse. It was was it unreasonable to.

You don't know if hes on the birth certificate or not yet. He might be. He may have equal rights we don't know.

But assuming he isnt, he said I want to take DD to mums on Xday. Yes OP can refuse, if he isnt on birth certificate OP has final say legally.

But I'm saying generally speaking you're in a relationship and DP says on Xday (even say he said tomorrow) i want to take DD to mums. I partner doesn't say, I don't want you to and you're not on the birth certificate so I get to decide. Or DP doesn't "negotiate" what the weekend family plans are. I'm saying morally I think you ABU to make it difficult for your partner to take your child, perhaps even the 3 of you, to his mums if the only issue is you didn't like the notice period.

We're going to have to agree to disagree because I don't think if you're together as a family, just because you're unmarried it would be OK to just say my rights top yours.

Original poster

MoonlightDream · 13/06/2025 23:32

Laura95167 · 13/06/2025 23:20

You're back tracking again. Mothers, grandmother's have opinions and some are annoying and patronising.

But earlier youve said you find bruises under MILs care, that isnt acceptable. You shouldn't leave DD alone with her if she regularly gets injured. All kids fall and have accidents but the way you worded that implies regular accidents happen with grandma, serious enough to leave marks which means at best she isnt attentive enough. Someone needs to be present when grandma sees her.

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Yeah the coincidences aren't making sense so I don't allow her to be alone anymore. I rather take a day off work if I can't get childcare. I don't trust DD alone with her dad either tbf, and I don't think it's me overreacting or being a helicopter mum. After two instances which led us to take DD to A&E, the worst one was DD fell from his arms "accidentally" whilst he was trying to rock her to sleep but she was putting up a fight, I was in the shower and came out to blood all over DD's nose and mouth (landed on face). This was before DD even started crawling

OP posts:

Emonade · 13/06/2025 23:35

MoonlightDream · 13/06/2025 02:41

Well, thankfully they're minor incidents, the biggest one was when DD was 4 months old and the bag of nappies that I always kept above the bookshelf next to the changing table somehow fell on DD's head the day I went out on a date with DD's dad.
Another time I left DD alone with grandma for half a day, came back with a burning fever because grandma over bundled her in 25 degree weather.
More recently grandma decided to strongly encourage DD to try foods that DD kept rejecting, one of which is eggs which DD has has had a reaction to since 6 months old (DD breaks out in hives) so I'm extra cautious whenever I try this food. Grandma didn't listen to me and DD ended up vomitting.

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He sounds horrid you need to be getting more support financially from him and to not be involved with him romantically

Original poster

MoonlightDream · 13/06/2025 23:38

Laura95167 · 13/06/2025 23:32

The question wasn't does she have the right to "trump" him and refuse. It was was it unreasonable to.

You don't know if hes on the birth certificate or not yet. He might be. He may have equal rights we don't know.

But assuming he isnt, he said I want to take DD to mums on Xday. Yes OP can refuse, if he isnt on birth certificate OP has final say legally.

But I'm saying generally speaking you're in a relationship and DP says on Xday (even say he said tomorrow) i want to take DD to mums. I partner doesn't say, I don't want you to and you're not on the birth certificate so I get to decide. Or DP doesn't "negotiate" what the weekend family plans are. I'm saying morally I think you ABU to make it difficult for your partner to take your child, perhaps even the 3 of you, to his mums if the only issue is you didn't like the notice period.

We're going to have to agree to disagree because I don't think if you're together as a family, just because you're unmarried it would be OK to just say my rights top yours.

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Fair enough. DD's dad literally said, I'm taking her away this weekend. No mention of time, negotiation, location. He knew I wasn't keen so didn't bother to ask, it was just a statement that he sprung on. It's a dilemma for me, I was the one that filled in the BC and put his name on it. I paid for it and booked the appointment.

OP posts:

Laura95167 · 13/06/2025 23:38

MoonlightDream · 13/06/2025 23:32

Yeah the coincidences aren't making sense so I don't allow her to be alone anymore. I rather take a day off work if I can't get childcare. I don't trust DD alone with her dad either tbf, and I don't think it's me overreacting or being a helicopter mum. After two instances which led us to take DD to A&E, the worst one was DD fell from his arms "accidentally" whilst he was trying to rock her to sleep but she was putting up a fight, I was in the shower and came out to blood all over DD's nose and mouth (landed on face). This was before DD even started crawling

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This is beyond uncool. Is he on her birth certificate?

I'm not saying accidents can't happen, but hes clumsy and dropping her, DGM is bruising her. He's aggressive and pushes you around and doesn't contribute financially

Yabu for staying with him like this. What's the situation with your family? Do you have support?

Laura95167 · 13/06/2025 23:41

If you've put him on the birth certificate hes legally got as much parental rights and responsibility as you.

I'd really be looking to get my ducks in a row to get away if it were me. I'd be keeping a note of anytime hes physically aggressive and planning a clean split from him

But as hes on birth certificate he can pursue and likely will get partial custody or access if he wanted it. I'd be looking for some legal advice