To not let my BD take my toddler away to see his side of the family

[MoonlightDream]

AIBU not to let my BD come take my DD away from me on short notice (less than a week) for a day on the weekend to see her grandma and aunt, when he doesn’t live with me and I’m not on good terms with his mother? The grandma wants to see DD after being away abroad for a month but she got BD to message me telling me he's "going to come and take DD" with no plans to when he'll take her back.

His mother is one of those business women that have very strong opinions about everything, including telling me how to raise my DD. She's is a shopaholic and loves to spoil DD with lots of things every time she meets (approx once a month) which I'm grateful for, but the problem is it's often too much, especially with limited space in my living situation. She's also forgetful, forgets what she bought previously or my failed feeble attempts to remind her and I end up with at least 5 or more of the same type of things, enough for twins or more! I'm not exaggerating when I say we had 10 baby blankets.

Open a claim with the CMS otherwise you’ll never get regular payments from him. It sounds like he’ll use money to control you, if you allow him to. Doesn’t sound like much of a relationship tbh, and his Mum doesn’t respect your wishes around DD because he doesn’t.

The child will be perfectly fine for one day. Take the time to have some time to yourself. Not creating a confrontation will be better for all concerned in the long term too.

This is a mess. Take the advice given here.

Why do you go shopping with him, for goodness sake? Just sort out adequate child support and do your shopping by yourself.

Are you in the UK? I am assuming not due to tine of posts but you could be having a bad night.

You lost me at "my toddler". It should be "our toddler". Separate the fact that he seems to be a bit of a wet wipe in terms of actual routine and coughing up money, he has a right to take your child to see his family (even if you don't like them) because it's also his child and their family.
Do yourself a really big favour and apply CMA. Have set contact days so he can take his child to see their family. Stop letting him dictate how long you spend shopping ffs.

Why are you even still with this man? You have a child together - he should either be in or out. Not swanning in whenever he fancies it, doing F all of the work and contributing next to nothing financially despite being a high earner. You’d be much better off ditching him and then getting a proper arrangement for child support and access organised.

I think you should put in a child support claim and your relationship if he hasn’t committed to you, scares you, shouts at you and doesn’t support you. It seems like you are a part time girl friend and a part time family - he could very well have another girlfriend too. The aggression would make me break up, the lack of commitment would make me break up, the lack of financial support would make me break up. You will be financially and emotionally better off cutting ties and getting a legal agreement re support and access.

You should be getting at least double that in cash, not in shopping.
https://www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance I filled in £70k, no other kids, but I presume he's paying into a pension which you need to subtract, so it may be less than £144 a week.

Don't be in an abusive relationship, it's not good for your child or you. You sound quite passive and psychologically beaten into submission, you really need to stand up for your child now. Give Women's Aid a call
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/
Or a more local/culturally appropriate organisation like Southall Black Sisters if you think they'd understand you better
https://southallblacksisters.org.uk/get-help/

YANBU to reject anyone telling you they will come and take your child on a certain day. Haven't these people ever heard of common courtesy ?

Email back and say that day isn't convenient, you already have plans but your child's df should email you to arrange a mutually convenient day. He can confirm increasing child maintenance payments at the same time. Or a CMS claim to manage maintenance.

Then raise the issues with bruising and make it clear that your child cannot be left alone with granny any more for safety reasons. .

As for all the gifts, let them enjoy buying stuff, and just take anything they have duplicated or that you don't need/have room for straight to the nearest Cancer Research shop, unopened.

Would like to know as well.

YABU to have a shelf above her changing table from which things can fall on your DD - this could just be coincidental

Over dressing for the weather and feeding food your DD is allergic to is NOT acceptable

Toddlers get bruises from their daily activities as well so Grandma may not be hurting her

YABU in stopping your partner/ex partner taking your DD to see his family but it would be on the proviso that she isn't left alone with Grandma and that he tells you exactly when he will be bringing her back to you

Put in your CMS claim immediately and get what your DD is entitled to

Sorry but looks like your trying to make problems when there's no need to. Baby will have a lovely weekend with her dad and other family then come back to her loving mum that's how it should be all around. Not a pawn you do this,that whatever

Hang on,

He drags you physically through shops? Wtf??

YABU. Purely for using the term 'baby daddy'. 😂

TBF a lot of terms that originated in American English are disliked on here.

If he’s not on the birth certificate, tell him to sod off and go to court. You need to apply for child maintenance (£60 a week when he’s on £70K-total joke!)

Have you told him your dd comes home with injuries every time he dumps her with his mother? And can you not tell her to please stop buying random shite for her? Just plead lack of space as it’s true.

OP, if you are still convinced, after all this, that you genuinely want advice from people on this site, I would get your thread deleted, and try again, using their preferred terminology.

BD is of course a widely understood phrase, essentially impossible to miunderstand in this context, but people on here will associate it with the working class, and therefore tear you to shreds for your presumption in daring to have a child when (they think) you are poor......

In your OP I don't see the issue in your DP taking his DD to see his mum. Youve said you're a couple, hes her dad so why would he give more notice that he wants to visit his mum with her. He's ask much a parent as you are. I bet you don't ask about taking her to your mums.

Although you've later drip fed hes aggressive and physically assaults you in supermarkets dragging you about. Is he DP or exP? Is he on the birth certificate? Is he paying maintainence? And DGM leaves DD with bruises!?!?

At this point youre either a family ot you're not. Either the Qn is AIBU DP wants to take DD to visit his mum and gave me less than a weeks notice? In whichcase yes, do you ask permission or give notice to take her to your mums? Or it's ExP who doesn't contribute financially, is physically aggressive asked to take DD to his mums where DD often returns with bruises? In whichcase letting this continue is facilitating abuse, and you need to get court ordered agreed access where DD is safe and provided for

@Laura95167 He is not the resident parent as does not live with op. This means he does get the benefits, register dc at the GP or do all the dc admin. He doesn’t get to scoop up DD without warning and pre planning. He needs to work with op and agree a timetable as he’s absent.

She said however they're a couple, while I suspect you're right she'll do all that there are families that live separately for a variety of reasons - young parents/work meaning someone lives away.

He's with them 3 days a week and they live separately because shes in a 1 bedroom flat and it's easier for him to get to work from his place. He isn't absent (although hes clearly not supporting her enough financially)

So why is it unreasonable to say this Saturday my mums asking to see DD?

He is her father. He can visit anyone.he likes during his contact time with DD.

@Laura95167 Because they are not cohabiting. They don’t live together or parent together. They are not married and the op is the resident parent in this situation. They need to work out what rota works and stick
to it. They are not a couple in terms of child arrangements. He’s barely contributing anything.

He can have his name put on the birth certificate if he really wanted to do it through the court system.
Something I'm sure his DM a business woman will insist on, if they break-up.

I agree he sounds useless.

But i disagree they need a rota, 3 days a week hes with them. They are a romantic partnership, hes her partner and the child's father. Them not being married doesn't mean they aren't together.

I don't understand why they need a rota. He isn't getting access to the child 3 days a week hes coming back to be with his family. (Which i agree he isn't contributing enough to) when hes physically present they're a family, when hes at his place and working hes still her DP and child's dad. We will just have to agree to disagree, because unless they split and agree custody as to separated parents I don't see why it's an issue for a man to want to take his daughter to his mams for the day with more than 24hrs planning and no suggestion it's interrupting other plans