Mum desperate to look after my new baby.

[Tacras]

Years ago I had an arrangement with my mum where she would look after my dog one day a month so I could go into the office. Dog walkers weren’t as common place as they are now, and certainly not in my area.

Then my brother had a baby, and my parents offered to look after grandchild once a week (and on the one day each month I needed for work. Grandchild trumps dog, fine, but it left me in the lurch, as it was done without warning or discussion.

anyway, water under the bridge. And I’ve got other support in place and whole thing is sorted. I’ve since told DM that I am pregnant and she is delighted. And wittering on about how much of course she will look after baby one day a week so I can go back to work.

Im just really pissed off. She has left me in the lurch with care before; I don’t know when I am planning on going back to work; it feels like she could’ve helped me out previously, but she likes this option better. I’d much rather plan reliable care for one thing. But it’s also the assumption that I’ll hand baby over one day a week without asking me what I would actually find useful or supportive.

It's the best part of two years off (presumably). And yes, you're right, grandchildren do trump dogs (and like you say, dog care is much more readily available now so not an issue). I'd see how it goes with your siblings child regarding reliability and make a call closer to the time. Fwiw I think it's much better for a child to have quality time with a dedicated care giver than being one of many in a nursery setting.

Just tell her that you haven't made any decisions yet about going back to work and child care arrangements as it's very early days.

If your mum's offer sounds more appealing once you have had the baby and are making arrangements to go back to work, you can accept at that point. If you choose to make other arrangements, that's fine too.

Did she know that you were disappointed the way she just dropped your monthly dog sitting arrangement without discussion? Maybe talk to her about that to clear the air.

@Tacras i get the feeling of it being a bit overwhelming when plans about your unborn child are being made without even asking you. I’m sure there’s no malice behind it.

I agree it was out of order that the decision to stop looking after your dog was made without warning or discussion, but like you said yourself I can see how grandchild trumps dog and it doesn’t sound like you were unable to go to work because of it.

Have a conversation with your Mum - if you’re worried because you felt let down by her before and unsure if she will be reliable - explain that to her - give her a chance to apologise / explain how she will ensure you’re not left in the lurch again and move on - the arrival of a new baby is a lovely thing and life is too short to hold on these grudges

She’d obviously thrilled to be having another grandchild and would rather help you out with her grandchild than a dog. And she’s quite right to do that. You’re lucky to have her. So many people on here say their parents won’t help at all.

It’s the principle though isn’t it.
What happens if another child is born- will op be dumped again.
I’d use her for nights/days out tbh,

What? The grandparents want to be involved and want to look after the baby? And she chose to look after your brother's baby and not your dog? What are monster!

Gosh...Here I am with 2 kids and no help at all, and I have to read about people whining about offered help.

She doesn't get to demand or dictate that she is providing care for your child. It is up to you to make childcare arrangements and to be comfortable with them.

But, the dog backstory is irrelevant I think - I don't blame her for prioritising time with her grandchild over time with your dog, I don't blame her for supporting a woman (parent) returning to work after maternity leave over being a dogsitter, I don't think it's comparable to equate short notice on dogcare with short notice on childcare (because, to be frank, any sane person would be fussier about who they allow to care for their baby than who they allow to care for their dog). I also don't think it's fair to view it as her choosing your brother over you.

I understand feeling overwhelmed that this decision appears to be made without your input but, ultimately, you have 100% of the say here. I don't think YABU for that aspect. I do think YABU to take issue with the dog/grandchild/brother situation at all - let alone to still be having an issue years on.

Fine if you don't need help with childcare, a bit ridiculous that you are still upset over doggy day care.
A dog can stay alone. A baby can't.

Actually I'd be pretty annoyed as well, once a month and it HAD to be on your previous arrangement?

It's not the fact it's a dog vs baby it's a a standing arrangement that just went poof! That's really rude imo.

I wouldn't be relying on someone so flakey op either but I would also wait until baby is here and see how you feel.

You don’t have to let her have the baby one day a week if you don’t want to, but of course a baby trumps a dog!

Which is exactly what I said. But my issue is she has proved to be unreliable, and I don’t feel comfortable relying on her anymore. I also feel uncomfortable that there is no discussion with me on what I need or feel will be useful.

I mentioned the dog care as why I feel like I can’t trust her to fulfill a commitment. Not that I would have disagreed with it if she had told me that was her plan or that our arrangement was changing.

I’m not upset about it. I just mention it as why I don’t feel comfortable relying on her & why I am leaning towards a professional and formal arrangement. I’d happily use her for social things, but where it doesn’t matter if she changes her mind.

What’s the back story? You’ve only said she’s changed an arrangement once, and it was after helping you for a while to take a turn helping her son and grandchild. If you don’t want her help then don’t take it. But you just sound a bit bitter on here really

Well it was an ongoing arrangement that she would look after my dog once a month. And then she wouldn’t. So whilst the arrangement only changed once, I went from regular help to never getting help again.

My mil was like this. Had her other grandchildren round a lot - full time in school hols, after school, did huge amounts of childcare.

she assumed she’d also have ours. We said no. For a start she had form for letting the older kids watch the youngest while she did stuff. She also had form for dropping us if Dh’s sibling or kids needed anything, quite a few times we’d have to cancel plans last minute because a niece had phoned up for a lift somewhere.

i think the dog vs. Grandchild is irrelevant, tbh. If you commit to something, whether that’s dog care, childcare, or whatever, you don’t just drop it without some sort of discussion. She should have said to the brother that’s the day I have the dog, let me speak to o/p and see what I can sort. Then either had the dog and the child, because it is possible to have both, changed days, or given o/p some notice.

it’s fine to say no, o/p. Mine did much better in formal childcare, and I felt it was more reliable.

You don’t have to use her for childcare if you don’t want to, but it is a bit ridiculous to be using the fact she put a grandchild over your dog as your reasoning.

As you’ve acknowledged yourself, a baby trumps a dog, so it makes total sense that her priority changed there. That’s a decision anyone would have made so I don’t understand holding it against her.

I do think though that using family for regular childcare can just be a recipe for disaster so it’s not a bad idea to use a nursery/childminder and then just have family do date nights etc where it doesn’t matter if plans change.

Are you really holding a grudge over this one thing? Seems like you’re making a mountain out of a molehill. Is she unreliable with everything? That’s more understandable but if not I think you need to just move on.

She’s clearly excited and wants to support your which is lovely and so lucky. You’ve got so much time to think about this and what you’re ok with it you don’t need this all pinned down now. There’s no way of knowing how you’ll feel. Perhaps you’ll feel incredibly grateful to have a village who wants to be part of yours and your child’s life.

So has she been reliable for your brother’s child?

It’s fine to say no, but I wouldn’t cut my nose off to spite my face. I don’t think you can compare minding a baby to minding a dog, especially for a loving grandparent. As long as there’s no other issues or a backstory then I would hang fire on saying no just yet.

It’s never a good idea to allow family to help you with your children or pets as they will inevitably let you down at some point.

Tell her it’s a look after both or none arrangement and she can do both the dog and the baby 🤣

For a pretty good reason. A dog is different to a grandchild. And dog care is far cheaper than nursery.

I don’t feel she wants to support me though. She just wants baby time. Which is great and lovely, but there has been no question of what I might want or need, or what our actual plans are.

Just “I can look after baby so you can go back to work”.

Im not holding a grudge. But I believe in letting people show you who they are. She has proven to be unreliable. I’d feel much more comfortable with something formal and paid for in place if I am needing support so I can work.

This is just not true for a huge number of families, it’s possible but certainly not inevitable for everyone.

When baby is here, you'll see how ridiculous you are being about caring for a dog.

How incredibly lucky you are that your mum is so kind to offer to look after your baby. Many people would be so grateful in your shoes.

You sound so mean about your poor mum... "wittering on"?? She's offerer to help you out and your comparing her commitment to a future baby to an actual dog. Madness.